Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I've been thinking if I should post here the last couple of days and then figured, ahhh why not?
Anyway, I'm just wondering if there are anyone out there who feel inadequate in the sheets. Or even if maybe they have a partner like me, who is so self conscious and expresses their feeling of inadequacies. If you have a partner like me, do you reassure him/her?
I guess I feel inadequate because my husband is way into porn.
I always thought I was an awesome partner (in bed) to have. I'm pretty explorative and don't mind doing and trying out new things (except the multiple partner thing - but I'll play along if its a fantasy of being with other people, just won't do it in real life). I actually thought I was a pretty skilled lover too till my H came along.
He's hard to please. Literally. He says everything is fine, but I don't want it to be fine, I want it to be like the best sex he's ever had. I've only had sex with 3 other men in my entire life, and I know for a fact that I was one of the top lovers in their lives, I hate to say how I found out about a couple of 'em, but I believe it. I don't mean to sound like a *****, or anything, because I'm anything but, I just want ya'll to understand where I'm coming from and why my situation now feels sort of devastating. Its just I can't seem to please my husband, no matter what techniques I use. His **** totally outlasts my everything. I thought I was a good bj giver till my H, I thought I was good on top till my H, etc. Its not that he never makes it, but I feel defeated every single time after sex. He almost always ends up having to help himself somehow. Its so depressing. We are 5 years apart (I'm older) and it makes me feel like I can't keep up or something.
Although he never complains and says he's happy w/me, he HAS said he's gotten better bj's. Posted via Mobile Device
He always tries to assure me that our love making is 'fine'. But I've never had anyone say I was just 'fine' before. And I just hate this apologetic demeanor I automatically get after sex. I always try to tell myself, next time will be better, but its not. I'm really worried that if I can't give him spectacular sex, he'll go looking for it elsewhere later on. I know that sounds foolish, but it is still a fear I have. Posted via Mobile Device
Sounds like he can't get off without going to porn images in his head. porn is bad for relationships, intimacy and sex.
Studies show that porn changes the brain, and that it makes men see their own real life lovers as inadequate, because they never measure up to the unrealistic standards set in porn, that the porn stars themselves aren't really enjoying. In fact most (porn stars) admit, most of that they do is painful, uncomfortable, degrading etc.
It is also like a drug, and is addictive, and it is like the junk food of sex. If we think of porn it really is McD's, nothing of nutritional value.
There is nothing you have done wrong. It wouldn't matter what you did in fact. he is being selfish and choosing to let porn be a part of his life.
If he wanted a really good sex life, he would concentrate on what you have and making it better and ditch the porn.
Here are some articles you might like to share with him.
The first is a doco you can both watch, very eye opening.
This next one is about the brain and how porn changes it for the worse.
Quote:
102 The current porn epidemic gives a graphic demonstration that sexual tastes can be acquired. Pornography, delivered by high-speed Internet connections, satisfies every one of the prerequisites for neuroplastic change [forming new neural circuitry- a key piece in addiction].
Pornography seems, at first glance, to be a purely instinctual matter: sexually explicit pictures trigger instinctual responses, which are the product of millions of years of evolution. But if that were true, pornography would be unchanging. The same triggers, bodily parts and their proportions, that appealed to our ancestors would excite us. This is what pornographers would have us believe, for they claim they are battling sexual repression, taboo, and fear and that their goal is to liberate the natural, pent-up sexual instincts.
But in fact the content of pornography is a dynamic phenomenon that perfectly illustrates the progress of an acquired taste. Thirty years ago, "hardcore" pornography usually meant the explicit depiction of sexual intercourse between two aroused partners, displaying their genitals. "Softcore" meant pictures of women, mostly, on a bed, at their toilette, or in some semi-romantic setting, in various states of undress, breasts revealed.
Now hardcore has evolved and is increasingly dominated by the sadomasochistic themes of forced sex, ejaculations on women's faces, and angry anal sex, all involving scripts fusing sex with hatred and humiliation. Hardcore pornography now explores the world of perversion, while softcore is now what hardcore was a few decades ago, [103] explicit sexual intercourse between adults, now available on cable TV. The comparatively tame softcore pictures of yesteryear--women in various states of undress--now show up on mainstream media all day long, in the pornification of everything, including television, rock videos, soap operas, advertisements, and so on.
Pornography is more exciting than satisfying because we have two separate pleasure systems in our brains, one that has to do with exciting pleasure and one with satisfying pleasure. The exciting system relates to the "appetitive" pleasure that we get imagining something we desire, such as sex or a good meal. Its neurochemistry is largely dopamine-related, and it raises our tension level.
The second pleasure system has to do with the satisfaction, or consummatory pleasure, that attends actually having sex or having that meal, a calming, fulfilling pleasure. Its neurochemistry is based on the release of endorphins, which are related to opiates and give a peaceful, euphoric bliss.
Pornography, by offering an endless harem of sexual objects, hyperactivates the appetitive system. Porn viewers develop new maps in their brains, based on the photos and videos they see. Because it is a use-it-or-lose-it brain, when we develop a map area, we long to keep it activated. Just as our muscles become impatient for exercise if we've been sitting all day, so too do our senses hunger to be stimulated.
The men at their computers looking at porn were uncannily like the rats in the cages of the NIH, pressing the bar to get a shot of dopamine or its equivalent. Though they didn't know it, they had been seduced into pornographic training sessions that met all the conditions required for plastic change of brain maps. Since neurons [109] that fire together wire together, these men got massive amounts of practice wiring these images into the pleasure centers of the brain, with the rapt attention necessary for plastic change. They imagined these images when away from their computers, or while having sex with their girlfriends, reinforcing them. Each time they felt sexual excitement and had an orgasm when they masturbated, a "spritz of dopamine," the reward neurotransmitter, consolidated the connections made in the brain during the sessions. Not only did the reward facilitate the behavior; it provoked none of the embarrassment they felt purchasing Playboy at a store. Here was a behavior with no “punishment,” only reward.
The content of what they found exciting changed as the Web sites introduced themes and scripts that altered their brains without their awareness. Because plasticity is competitive, the brain maps for new, exciting images increased at the expense of what had previously attracted them--the reason, I believe, they began to find their girlfriends less of a turn-on.
Hardcore porn unmasks some of the early neural networks that formed in the critical periods of sexual development and brings all these early, forgotten or repressed elements together [112] to form a new network, in which all the features are wired together. Porn sites generate catalogs of common kinks and mix them together in images. Sooner or later the surfer finds a killer combination that presses a number of his sexual buttons at once. Then he reinforces the network by viewing the images repeatedly, masturbating, releasing dopamine and strengthening these networks. He has created a kind of "neosexuality," a rebuilt libido that has strong roots in his buried sexual tendencies. Because he often develops tolerance, the pleasure of sexual discharge must be supplemented with the pleasure of an aggressive release, and sexual and aggressive images are increasingly mingled--hence the increase in sadomasochistic themes in hardcore porn.
To me it's a deal breaker, I don't want to be compared to objectified, plastic people who do cartwheels in bed. If my So chose porn over me, then I would not be able to forgive that.
He for some reason whats you to feel inadequate, and that's quite mean and I'd be wary of that even without the porn reference.
Not everything is about porn. You don't connect with him on that level. You could try to find out specifically what the gap is. Ask him....do you like it when I put my hand........ when I .......? Be very very specific. Does he like the lights on or off, does he prefer sex on the bed vs the couch or whatever....
My wife was a very bored and uncreative lover. Unmotivated, unadventurous, never took the lead, never asked questions and couldn't wait for it to be over. I used to think it was me and maybe it was. But since I could never get her to so much as utter a single word about it it didn't matter and I gave up.
I'm not trying to trump you or make you feel worse, but my wife and I are both fantastic lovers (for each other anyway)!!
Of course, the love making isn't "mind blowing, over the top, I can't catch my breath sex" every time, but we get to that plateau often enough.
I look at porn, sometimes my wife watches with me, but we both know that 10 inch members and women who take all of it down their throat while rubbing their perfect boobs isn't realistic.
It does help us get a little friskier sometimes and I wonder if she may want a porn star sized pole and she wonders if I want someone who can deep throat me.
We are able to keep it real and not have crazy expectations of each other, but do enjoy a variety and like to try new things.
Maybe your husband is a little "too into" his porn and needs to take a step back
Do you view it with him? Maybe that would give you some ideas, too.
So all very insightful and helpful comments. Thank you. I've tried to actually watch porn with him, but he's not into it if I'm watching with him. I didn't understand that, as I assumed most guys would be thrilled. Instead he acts bored and makes it seem like I'm the one who's the porn watcher. He keeps asking if I'm done and idk, he seems uncomfortable watching porn together. Yet his computer is laiden with porn sites. He never hid them, because I thought it was normal, but now I'm not so sure. He is becoming more of a mystery to me.
I mean, I always ask him what he wants and sometimes I do feel like his expectations are a bit much. I'm into trying anything once, but I think perhaps he is a little too "into" his porn. I mean seriously, I'm not boring. We RP, I'll use whatever costumes (always fun to me anyway), etc. But it's starting to be clearer that maybe he's into a lot more darker things, and that is a bit scary for me. Which maybe is why he may seem bored because when watching together he picks the cliche type stuff, but once I saw some really hardcore stuff and I was quite surprised. I'll withstand a little bit of pain, but anything else, I'll have to refuse. Again, he never complains, but never seems ecstatic about it either. I do think we do do it a good amount of times, sometimes several times in a day, sometimes a few days in a row. I think my husband has a pornstar **** because it keeps going and going and going. I don't know what else to do, its like I wasn't made to handle him that way. But I will look at those articles with him. I must say, majority of the porn I've found on his computer, oddly enough, has women that look similar to me. That kind of surprised me too. Posted via Mobile Device
It could be that he has sensitivity issues with the head of his penis, or bloodflow problems. Is he completely hard or do you have to help him get there with manual/oral stimulation? Then once he's hard, how long does it take him to ejaculate? Is he circumsized? Has he said he has "lasted long" with previous lovers?
If he self pleasures frequently enough than it will make it more difficult for him to "finish" when you two connect.
I bet if he stopped masturbating he would enjoy sex with you WAY more. I do not think this is you at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sakaye
So all very insightful and helpful comments. Thank you. I've tried to actually watch porn with him, but he's not into it if I'm watching with him. I didn't understand that, as I assumed most guys would be thrilled. Instead he acts bored and makes it seem like I'm the one who's the porn watcher. He keeps asking if I'm done and idk, he seems uncomfortable watching porn together. Yet his computer is laiden with porn sites. He never hid them, because I thought it was normal, but now I'm not so sure. He is becoming more of a mystery to me.
I mean, I always ask him what he wants and sometimes I do feel like his expectations are a bit much. I'm into trying anything once, but I think perhaps he is a little too "into" his porn. I mean seriously, I'm not boring. We RP, I'll use whatever costumes (always fun to me anyway), etc. But it's starting to be clearer that maybe he's into a lot more darker things, and that is a bit scary for me. Which maybe is why he may seem bored because when watching together he picks the cliche type stuff, but once I saw some really hardcore stuff and I was quite surprised. I'll withstand a little bit of pain, but anything else, I'll have to refuse. Again, he never complains, but never seems ecstatic about it either. I do think we do do it a good amount of times, sometimes several times in a day, sometimes a few days in a row. I think my husband has a pornstar **** because it keeps going and going and going. I don't know what else to do, its like I wasn't made to handle him that way. But I will look at those articles with him. I must say, majority of the porn I've found on his computer, oddly enough, has women that look similar to me. That kind of surprised me too. Posted via Mobile Device
Although I do not take the stance of Syrum that ALL porn is bad for ALL couples & ALL marraiges (we enjoy it together, he learned all he knew from reading Playboy magazines, it has NEVER hurt our sex life -or his expectations of me)-- but I do happen to agree with her about YOUR particular situation.
Your husband, from all you have shared, has a secret and sounds like a very dark ADDICTION that needs attention - in order to save your sex life & connection with each other. He probably has conditioned his MIND to wanting MORE, bigger, hotter, faster, dirtier, we probably cant fathom what all may lurk there. Porn to him is like whiskey to the Alcoholic.
Putting porn aside for a moment, I have read that if a man has used a certain VERY FAST (or ??) masterbating technique for a long period of time, his body/pecker becomes accustomed to that particualr stimulation -maybe a little of this is going on also.
Read this thread , I gave links to Addiction forums, tests on one of my posts. Help me...I CANT STOP!!
Do other husbands sometimes feel like they have been replaced with a vibrator and I for one know there is no way I can compete with a 8,000 rpm magic wand vibrator.
Well we don't use stimulating toys, as we've just not ventured into that realm just yet. But he definitely seems to need more. SimplyAmorous, you make a good point. When trying to masturbate him with my hand he makes me squeeze it super hard while stroking really fast. I mean seriously squeezing it like trying to get every last drop out of a lemon or orange. Its so hard to keep up, my hands/wrist tire out quickly, and generally just when he's feeling 'good' and getting closer to orgasm, I can't keep it going. There's just no way for my mouth to create that pressure either!!! But thats just the beginning. He's starting to get into the forceful stuff, which we had talked about previously. I agreed to partake in that every once in a while, but was adamant on being mentally prepared before hand, its not my thing and I'm definitely not into that realm of sex. I've been told I'm lucky, I'm 8mos. pregnant and my husband wants to get busy often. But that forceful stuff is so painful and he gets so into it that I literally have to try and fight to get out of his clutches. And it always takes him a moment. He'll grab me and shove me back into whatever position he wants a few times before he realizes, I'm not playing around. Generally when we start, I'm not playing around and we establish right there that stop really means stop. But he's like a fiend now. We haven't had sex in a week, because I was so sore the last time. It felt like my pelvis was going to freakin shatter. He never was like that before. Could this really be porn, or could he be cheating and he found some girl that likes the forceful type stuff? His fantasies have changed drastically too. Where before I'd entertain the idea of another woman (never in actuality), now his fantasies include me being gang banged which is something I NEVER wanna see or do Posted via Mobile Device
I honestly thought porn was harmless and something most people individually and as a couple look at occasionally. I never thought it could be so detrimental, I've never had this problem with porn before, not with previous partners. I always thought some was healthy. Now its like, I'm competing with cyber s*uts and he's not realizing the effect its taking. Posted via Mobile Device
I get a little tired of hearing how porn destroys everyones marriages. It is like those that want to take guns away from everyone because some people do stupid things with them.. "Everything in moderation".
I watch a little nearly every night. I don't masterbate to it and not even really sure why other than my extremely high libido.
That being said, I would never take it over my wife. Doesn't stop me from loving sex with my wife. I would be ecstatic if she would watch it with me again like she used to. Hell now I even get grumbles if I leave a Cinemax movie on...
So I definetly think your husband has an issue. Either he is "addicted" or to your point he desires something darker than you are comfortable with. I would definetly have some serious conversations with him at the least and maybe even suggest some counseling if he will go..
I've been thinking if I should post here the last couple of days and then figured, ahhh why not?
Anyway, I'm just wondering if there are anyone out there who feel inadequate in the sheets. Or even if maybe they have a partner like me, who is so self conscious and expresses their feeling of inadequacies. If you have a partner like me, do you reassure him/her?
I guess I feel inadequate because my husband is way into porn.
I always thought I was an awesome partner (in bed) to have. I'm pretty explorative and don't mind doing and trying out new things (except the multiple partner thing - but I'll play along if its a fantasy of being with other people, just won't do it in real life). I actually thought I was a pretty skilled lover too till my H came along.
He's hard to please. Literally. He says everything is fine, but I don't want it to be fine, I want it to be like the best sex he's ever had. I've only had sex with 3 other men in my entire life, and I know for a fact that I was one of the top lovers in their lives, I hate to say how I found out about a couple of 'em, but I believe it. I don't mean to sound like a *****, or anything, because I'm anything but, I just want ya'll to understand where I'm coming from and why my situation now feels sort of devastating. Its just I can't seem to please my husband, no matter what techniques I use. His **** totally outlasts my everything. I thought I was a good bj giver till my H, I thought I was good on top till my H, etc. Its not that he never makes it, but I feel defeated every single time after sex. He almost always ends up having to help himself somehow. Its so depressing. We are 5 years apart (I'm older) and it makes me feel like I can't keep up or something.
Although he never complains and says he's happy w/me, he HAS said he's gotten better bj's. Posted via Mobile Device
Confidence is sexy.....not matter what, get it in your head you are hot, good in bed and sexy! Throw all caution to the wind!
Have you tried doing anything totally out of character?
Do you talk dirty to him?
Get rough with him? (and not in a bad way)
Take total control?
Stop living in the past (with the lovers), don't allow him to tell you what you aren't doing right...there's a thread in here on bj's...read it, one of the first posts replies is long and numbered....but very good info!
I know how you feel, trust me....I just don't want you feeling like I have for so long. YOU ARE HOT, GOOD IN BED AND SEXY! Say it with me!!!
Anyone ever felt inadequate in the bedroom? 
