Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I HAVE ADDED MORE INFO ON PAGE TWO OF THIS THREAD....
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Hi there,
I am currently married (for the last 10 yrs) and have a 5 year old daughter. My situation is such a tough one because I have a loving husband who is a wonderful person. He treats me and my daughter very well - very caring, helpful around the house. The issue that I am struggling with is that I just don't find myself attracted to him like I used to be. I am not disgusted by him or anything, but I just don't feel that chemistry that I should feel with someone that I am in a relationship with. I have very little desire to have sex with him. I don't know if it's me (low sex drive) or if I am just not interested in having sex because it's him. When we do have sex (which is probably once a month at most), I find myself just wanting to get it over with. And its not that he's not a good lover because he is - he's very thoughtful and wanting to ensure that I enjoy myself each time. The tough part is that he has a really high sex drive. I've caught him looking at porn on the net many times. I am not opposed to this, unlike some women though. I guess I realize that he needs to get his fix from somewhere.
Anyhow, wanted you to have some background on the situation before I get into the real question. I was really grossed out the other night when I caught my husband taking pictures of my butt under the covers while I was sleeping! I had shorts on but he thought I was sleeping, and was snapping photos and trying to hike up my shorts a bit. I feel a little violated and find that to be a bit perverted. I just pretended to sleep, and tried to adjust myself to get away from him...I was shocked and didn't know what to say at the time. I mean, at least he's not taking pics of other womens' butts but really, he should be asking me before he does something like that. I don't know if he wants the pics for his own personal pleasure, or God knows it he's putting them up on the net or something (although I would hope he wouldn't do something like that!)
Anyhow, what do you think of this? Does this sound totally inappropriate to you? How would you approach this situation? Would you address it with him?
I also recognize that there is a bigger issue at play here, being that I don't feel a lot of chemistry with my husband. Its something that I am really thinking a lot about lately but need a bit more time to digest. Any thoughts on that would also be welcome.
Yes, what he did sounds inappropriate, and I think you should call him on it. Something like "WTF were you doing the other night, taking pictures of my @ss?" would be a good lead-in to a discussion.
But to comment on another statement... You say you have sex once a month, and he's "high drive". What does "high drive" mean to you? And you do realize that once a month is likely not going to satisfy someone even with "normal drive"? And that porn (and spanking the monkey) is not a substitute to a loving sexual relationship? You'd do well to start digging into the intimacy/sex issues in your relationship before they become bigger issues, like cheating or divorce. Not that I'm saying that gives him a free pass on cheating, but it's a common excuse. And I'm definitely not saying this is your fault! It takes two to make a marriage work.
Yes, what he did sounds inappropriate, and I think you should call him on it. Something like "WTF were you doing the other night, taking pictures of my @ss?" would be a good lead-in to a discussion.
But to comment on another statement... You say you have sex once a month, and he's "high drive". What does "high drive" mean to you? And you do realize that once a month is likely not going to satisfy someone even with "normal drive"? And that porn (and spanking the monkey) is not a substitute to a loving sexual relationship? You'd do well to start digging into the intimacy/sex issues in your relationship before they become bigger issues, like cheating or divorce. Not that I'm saying that gives him a free pass on cheating, but it's a common excuse. And I'm definitely not saying this is your fault! It takes two to make a marriage work.
C
Hi C,
Thanks for your response. And you are absolutely right. Once a month is pathetic! I totally get that. By high sex drive I mean that he would be happy to do it every night. When we were trying to have a baby, he had no issues with (and actually loved) the daily sex for weeks at a time, which other women have their men complaining after the first couple of nights. And the amount of porn that he seems to need to watch tells me that he needs it more than the average male. At least in my opinion. Or perhaps its just high compared to my low drive ;-)
But yes, there are bigger issues to be worked on here. I have to figure that out for sure. I actually feel quite badly because sometimes I think he deserves to be with someone that can meet his needs better than I can.
Can't help with the pic thing but you say he's a great guy, he's good to you and your kids.. it kinda sounds like you've just gotten a little too used to him and your taking him for granted.
taking nonconsensual pictures is plainly out of bounds, unacceptable, immoral and criminal...and yes he is likely posting them on the internet. Tell him to knock it the f*&k off. Tell him now. (Unless it turns you on...in which case it becomes consensual because it is wanted...but that's another story...)
And then tell him that you understand his sexual frustrations with how your sex life is going and ...(well you didn't ask for advice on this one)
Seriously, you need to bring hubby to heal on the picture thing. That is dehuminizing, objectifying and degrading. Nip that thing in the bud (unless you like it, in which case it's fine--weird how that is )
taking nonconsensual pictures is plainly out of bounds, unacceptable, immoral and criminal...and yes he is likely posting them on the internet. Tell him to knock it the f*&k off. Tell him now. (unless it turns you on...in which case it becomes consensual because it is wanted...but that's another story...)
and then tell him that you understand his sexual frustrations with how your sex life is going and ...(well you didn't ask for advice on this one)
seriously, you need to bring hubby to heal on the picture thing. That is dehuminizing, objectifying and degrading. Nip that thing in the bud (unless you like it, in which case it's fine--weird how that is )
Word!!!!!!!!!
What a gem he is. Porn and takes pictures of his wife's butt while he thinks she is sleeping to post online. Hmmmm, something tells me most women wouldn't want sex with him either.
I am going to say, I think the guy is very sexually frustrated.
I am weird in that the porn would bother me far more then him taking pictures of my butt while sleeping. However my fiance would not post them on the internet, and I give myself to him sexually and have no issue with that. However, saying that I can understand why you would have an issue with it.
Why not list the things that you do find attractive about him and what you don't?
I am going to guess here and say he's really nice, and really nice in bed, not aggressive and take charge and that it puts you off? feel free to tell me if I'm wrong.
When you envisage really good sex, what would be happening in your fantasy? can you convey this to him and get him to partake?
Thanks for your response. And you are absolutely right. Once a month is pathetic! I totally get that. By high sex drive I mean that he would be happy to do it every night. When we were trying to have a baby, he had no issues with (and actually loved) the daily sex for weeks at a time, which other women have their men complaining after the first couple of nights. And the amount of porn that he seems to need to watch tells me that he needs it more than the average male. At least in my opinion. Or perhaps its just high compared to my low drive ;-)
But yes, there are bigger issues to be worked on here. I have to figure that out for sure. I actually feel quite badly because sometimes I think he deserves to be with someone that can meet his needs better than I can.
I wasn't saying anything was pathetic! But keep in mind there's a wide range between once a day and once a month. This is a case where compromising might be a good idea. And lot of guys might LIKE once a day, but would be more than happy with every second or third day. Heck, he'd probably be happy with once a week! Especially if it was good sex.
If you can deal with this early, this can be one of those things that brings you closer together as a couple. But if you leave it to the point that resentment and frustrations start taking over the rest of the relationship, it becomes much harder to deal with. What you're doing here is at least a good start.
You might want to do some reading in the Men's Forum, about "Manning Up". You can also try reading up in the MarriedManSexLife.com posts, see if anything reaches out to you. And there's also the Love Languages to consider.
Have you tried talking to him about this? Maybe you should talk to your doctor and get a bloodwork done. You might be lacking hormonally. Seek help soon or don't complain when he starts taking pics of other girls butts. Posted via Mobile Device
You are married to your husband, sex is very important to a marriage (that is why you married a man not a female friend), you are now not attracted to him, you do not want to have sex with him, you have taken part of your marriage from him, he is frustrated, he loves you.
He is watching porn but he finds that you are more attractive that those women out there. Since you are having problems with your relationship, he is scared to tell you about his fantasies and that is why he had to do it secretely. He should man up and tell you his fantasy thou...
You both arel lack of communication. Tell him to do what he used to do when you were attrated to him at the beginning. Tell him the truth of what you feel is attreactive for you, help him to achieve being that guy and be patient. Discussed about both of your fantasies and fullfill each others. Some people take sexy photos of their wives and they both enjoy. (some female find it very sexy to have a home made sexy photos). If he feels that you are good listener and you care about solving your problems he will open up to you more...just same as when a man is a good listener to a woman. He is now just scared to mess things up and probably getting once in a yead LOL
By the way this guy is very patient. I can not live with someone giving me sex once in a month. I will discuss and if nothing happens...phey, divorce. Or else cheat and not feel sorry about it.
Save your marriage, solve your problems and have much sex. Goodluck!
I am currently married (for the last 10 yrs) and have a 5 year old daughter. My situation is such a tough one because I have a loving husband who is a wonderful person. He treats me and my daughter very well - very caring, helpful around the house. The issue that I am struggling with is that I just don't find myself attracted to him like I used to be. I am not disgusted by him or anything, but I just don't feel that chemistry that I should feel with someone that I am in a relationship with. I have very little desire to have sex with him. I don't know if it's me (low sex drive) or if I am just not interested in having sex because it's him. When we do have sex (which is probably once a month at most), I find myself just wanting to get it over with. And its not that he's not a good lover because he is - he's very thoughtful and wanting to ensure that I enjoy myself each time. The tough part is that he has a really high sex drive. I've caught him looking at porn on the net many times. I am not opposed to this, unlike some women though. I guess I realize that he needs to get his fix from somewhere.
Anyhow, wanted you to have some background on the situation before I get into the real question. I was really grossed out the other night when I caught my husband taking pictures of my butt under the covers while I was sleeping! I had shorts on but he thought I was sleeping, and was snapping photos and trying to hike up my shorts a bit. I feel a little violated and find that to be a bit perverted. I just pretended to sleep, and tried to adjust myself to get away from him...I was shocked and didn't know what to say at the time. I mean, at least he's not taking pics of other womens' butts but really, he should be asking me before he does something like that. I don't know if he wants the pics for his own personal pleasure, or God knows it he's putting them up on the net or something (although I would hope he wouldn't do something like that!)
Anyhow, what do you think of this? Does this sound totally inappropriate to you? How would you approach this situation? Would you address it with him?
I also recognize that there is a bigger issue at play here, being that I don't feel a lot of chemistry with my husband. Its something that I am really thinking a lot about lately but need a bit more time to digest. Any thoughts on that would also be welcome.
By the way, I am 35 years old. Thanks.
Sorry to tell you this but your husband is masturbating to porn and probably fantacicing about other woman because you are neglecting him. Your relationship will fail if you don't open up to him and put all in the table about all you feel. He needs to know, he deserves to know what is going on with you how you feel, and then you need to educate yourself so you understand your fault in all this. The less sex you have, the less your bond is with you husband, please read this: Must read!...finally an excellent, professional article about sex and bonding
you need to understand that without sex and communication, you'll never be close to your husband, and this will bit you in the ass when children leave the nest.....ah!...what's wrong with you being upset because your husband takes pictures of your ass....he is in such a need, that he wants pictures of you so he can masturbate with it later...i am sorry but you have a lot of issues you need to weak up to.....you need to think about why you have such a conservative and uptight view of sex....you need to open up...before is too late...
7Likes
Husband taking pics while I am sleeping... 
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