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post #16 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-28-2011, 11:26 PM
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Re: Infrequent sex with wife

All right, I'm going to say something that may get me into a lot of trouble...

MarkB, knowing nothing about you other than this thread, I'd have to ask if she's ever been sexually abused in her past, because that's what this sounds like to me.

I know too many women who have some sort of sexual abuse in their history that effects them years and years later. I don't want to use the word "frigid," but both men and women who have gone through that and suppressed it, or maybe just can't talk about it, suddenly find themselves unable to handle sex. Even something as simple as nonsexual touching may make them uncomfortable because that was the kind of thing that their abuser slowly used against them.

One question: you say that you've been married for less than ten years but only getting it once a month... has it always been like this, or has her drive dropped dramatically since you've been together?
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post #17 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-30-2011, 02:04 PM
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Re: Infrequent sex with wife

I just don't understand this. My best friend despises sex and she's married. She could go WEEKS without it and I'm thinking are you kidding me? In her case I don't think she ever really loved her husband (it was a shotgun wedding) and he's depressed (she refers to him as a "troll"). She keeps tally on how often they have sex thinking 2 times a week is more than enough. Ick.

I wish there was a way to get low drive and high drive people on their sides. It rarely works that way. High drives always seem to hook up with low drives.
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post #18 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-30-2011, 02:22 PM
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Re: Infrequent sex with wife

your obviously not meeting her "21 special needs"

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post #19 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-30-2011, 03:02 PM
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Re: Infrequent sex with wife

Originally Posted by okeydokie View Post
your obviously not meeting her "21 special needs"

“In thy foul throat thou liest.”
― William Shakespeare, Richard III

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post #20 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-17-2011, 02:09 PM
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Re: Infrequent sex with wife

Originally Posted by MarkB View Post
I'm trying to get an idea of whether or not this is a common problem and if I'm out of line to feel/respond this way. I'm interested in views from both women and men.

We're both fairly young, married < 10 years, fairly attractive. Sex is infrequent, a problem that is becoming worse. She enjoys sex, but only about once a month, no more no less. If I try for more (which is at least a few times a week), I'm almost always treated with a steady stream of "no's" and made to feel like a lousy greedy selfish person. It's gotten to the point where I now willingly sleep in another room, and it's not really worth trying. Communication is becoming poor as a result.

Maybe I'm old school, but my feeling is that husbands and wives shouldn't withhold sex from each other on a regular basis like this. They should take care of each other, even if they aren't always in the mood.

I checked ou the recent top 20 list and I don't see anything I could be doing wrong that really stands out, other than not paying her enough compliments on a regular basis. It's doubtful that plays a significant factor in my situation.

I am new here and recently realized I was witholding sex from my husband. I think I was being selfish because I felt he was being selfish.

I did a LOT of research and searching and realized that the reason my drive was taking a plunge was not becuase of my extreme exhaustion or the crazy amounts of things I do daily but because my needs were not being met sexually.

Do you kiss her often, tease her and find out what she wants sexually? My husband and I have been together for a very long time and sex had turned into a kiss then a hand down my pants then he'd jump right to it. Might work for him but not doing much for the woman...

I found an article I had him read that helped us get the communication started (here it is if you would like to look at it): How to Make a Woman Orgasm (caution, swear words are in this article. pls don't read if you are offended by such things) Then I bought the book "I love female orgasms" (which we are reading together) and had a very long talk with my husband and within less than 2 weeks we have made MAJOR strides in our sex life. We are BOTH getting what we need out of it and i have noticed we haven't been this close in a very long time.

Last edited by Pteradactyl; 04-17-2011 at 02:54 PM. Reason: typo
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post #21 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-17-2011, 04:45 PM
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Re: Infrequent sex with wife

I agree with smackdown on the age thing. I think sometimes women under 40 tend to let life, kids, attitude, etc get in the way of sex, and often use sex as a controlling or punishment mechanism. Not to mention your younger years are your procreating years, and if you're not procreating then it's really not necessary.
After 40 you are headed out of your procreating years, you're tired of drama and you have more self-confidence so you start to turn your focus inward, wanting sex just for the pleasure of it.
I don't think it's a case of the man not doing something right or being good enough, trust me, if a woman wants it, she'll take it.
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post #22 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-17-2011, 04:55 PM
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Re: Infrequent sex with wife

Flying Dinosaur Lady

Why do you think you were selfish? Upon reflection, what were you gaining by denying your husband and yourself something crucial to the marriage? What were you being selfish about?
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post #23 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-18-2011, 04:50 AM
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Re: Infrequent sex with wife

Originally Posted by MarkB View Post

Syrum and Sam, I'm not a big compliment person. I'm fairly reserved with such things. That's who she married, though. I bust out compliments too frequently one might get suspicious because it's not genuine. Indeed, she is suspicious when I do such things, but that's also because she's tends to want to spin everything I do as negative. Example: I do most of the cooking - I have no problem with that as we both work. But she either doesn't like it (she's an exception as most people I know like my cooking) or she gets mad because it means she "has to clean up afterwards", which is only because she doesn't like how I do the dishes.
I know you havn't been around for a while, but you say you aren't a big compliment person?
Well become one! but be sincere in what you are saying. If you can't find thing you love about your wife and what you find attractive in her then you have a huge problem. you also need to compliment and be encouraging in the bedroom. Women love this.
Secondly don't put up with her talking down to you, stand up for yourself (but be reasonable) so she will respect you.
and move back into the bedroom, women don't respect or find men attractive who do things like move out of the bedroom.
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