Just found out my husband has been watching porn
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 03-31-2011, 05:30 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Just found out my husband has been watching porn

I really, really need some support and advice right now. I feel like my marriage is almost perfect. We get along so well, he seems to completely adore me and we hardly ever fight. Weíve been together a long time, we just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary, and I feel like we are happier now than ever before. In the past, we have fought about sex a lot. I wanted it all the time and he didnít seem to. That has totally changed too and we are together many times throughout the week.

Well, I found a porn DVD yesterday in our desk. I confronted him and he said that it wasnít his. He said that neighbor must have hidden it here when he was ďbabysittingĒ our dog. I honestly believed him because things are so great between us. I couldnít understand why heíd be hiding porn when our sex life is so great. But then tonight I found on the computer that heíd looked at porn on March 4. I woke him up and confronted him with it. He admitted that he had and that the DVD was his also.

He said that he got it when I went to Florida last month and only used it because he was missing me. Then he said that he got it because whenever we have sex it is all about me and he didnít think that was fair. Then he said he didnít mean that and he was just looking for an excuse. Then he admitted that he had actually bought it the very first time our daughter and I had gone to Florida (May 2007!!!!!!) and had watched it many times since then. He said it started because he was missing me but then sometimes he would even watch it in the mornings when I was in our bedroom still asleep!

I was crying like crazy through all of this. He was pretty emotionless though. He did keep saying he was sorry and that he loved me so much and loved my body. But he didnít really say any of it with any real emotion. I donít understand that. I donít know if it is just because it was the middle of the night and he was processing that Iíd found out. But it feels like it is because he doesnít really care about me or our marriage. He tried to sleep alittle and when he woke up for work alittle bit ago he looked awful. He cried a little then and kept telling me how much he loved me. I just donít know.

I donít know where to go from here. Iím a mess! I hate that heís had it hidden away all these years. I hate that he sorta said it was my fault, even though he took it back. I hate that Iíve been thinking everything was amazing with us. I feel like I would literally do anything he wanted sexually so I donít see how he can feel like it is just for me. Itís hard. I feel like our marriage is a lie. And I feel like everything heís ever said to me is a lie. Iím hurting so much right now. I want him to make it better but I donít even know how he can.

Plus, sex has always been such a huge part of our marriage. I love it and canít imagine going very long without it. But I canít even being naked with him right now, let alone making love with him. But if that is going to be a major issue then weíre going to have problems. But how can I trust him? How can I put all of this out of my mind? How can I not feel like heís comparing me to the porn every time weíre together? This really hurts!

Bye,
Lisa
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Old 03-31-2011, 05:47 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my husband has been watching porn

I think porn is very bad for relationships. For many reasons.
I think it often comes between the bond and intimacy two people should be creating with each other, and puts the focus on outside influences and forces. Not to mention porn is unrealistic for the average woman (creates unrealistic expectations from men), and allows men to see women as one dimensional F&^%able objects. And studies show men who use porn regularly have less empathy for women. I could go on but...

It is good that you confronted him. Now you might like to tell him where the boundaries lie for you. In other words you could say something like

"I see porn as bad for our relationship, I am not willing to be with someone who uses porn for the following reasons..."

Maybe try and get him to have empathy by explaining a situation in which he may feel very much the same way, so he gets how his viewing porn hurts you.

Then he knows how you feel. If he commits to not using porn, then you can go from there.

However i am confused about what you said about him not showing emotion , when you said he cried? it would seem he does feel remorse.
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Old 03-31-2011, 06:17 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my husband has been watching porn

Lisa,

Syrum gave great advice, in my opinion, and sometimes, as a guy, its hard to say what I'd like to offer without sounding like I'm somehow justifying his actions. I'm not, and I'm really sorry for your pain.

Sometimes, women make connectons regarding men and porn that are rarely there. To many men, it is a visual stimulation, and the powerful emotions are simply disconnected from the context of real life with his wife. In other words, you're not there in the video with the porn, and his mind is in a completely different universe, in a sense. Hopefully, you can see that he is not comparing you to these women, and it is in no way an indicator that you are not an awesome wife. He also is probably very ashamed, and hates himself for this because he knows that it hurt you, so maybe he was sloppy about hiding it because of being tired of the deception. Boundaries need to be set, still, because this is deeply hurtful to you.

Here comes a lame parallel, but I hope it helps. My wife's mother loved trashy romance novels. My wife occasionally read these, and the dreamy expression on her face struck me with jealousy, frankly, until I made the connection that she wasn't comparing me to these banal girly men. I mean, how dare she dream of having sex with another guy, right? So, when the book dissapeared behind her back when I got home, I felt bad because I was the one who made the connection that led to her guilt.

Okay, that probably didn't help a lot. But if you know in your heart that you have something good with him, after the hurt passes, you'll start seeing that there has to be a way to work through this. Talk to him and try to get to the point that you can seperate yourself from your own assumptions to see what it really means to him.

He likely seems impassive because he is trying to weather your pain without hiding from it - in other words, he's taking it like a man. There is this tiny little secret at the heart of most good husbands. They want nothing more than the approval of a good woman. It'll take some time to get there, if you can try to, but be careful not to let this grow beyond what it truly means to him when he watched this stuff.
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Old 03-31-2011, 07:32 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my husband has been watching porn

I dont see porn as a bad thing.

Maybe he needs more then what he is getting and even some couples watch porn tougher and that is fine.

You have to understand in this day and age is it OK. You might not be ok with it, but thats understandable depending on your up bringing. I am not saying you can't hold your husband to a higher standard but you can understand him. And set rules for the future instead
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Old 03-31-2011, 07:41 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my husband has been watching porn

Here is a subject where you will get a mixture of opinions on the issue. The bottom line is, how YOU feel about it. Not if others feel its ok or whatever, but how YOU feel.

He needs to understand how what he is doing is damaging your relationship with him.
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Old 03-31-2011, 07:52 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my husband has been watching porn

Lisa - before you found out that your husband had been watching porn, had you noticed a change in your sex life?
It the answer is yes, is it because of the porn?

I watch porn...I'm no freak (apart from being in a sexless marriage!!) - I know of lots of happily married men who also do.
Its a fantasy world...its an escape... Men are very visual.
Women can read a romantic novel...'they sat by the lake side bathed in the silvery light of the moon...he kissed her gently...'...women get turned on by that sort of thing! Men don't, we need flesh!
Would it be wrong if you read something like the above, got turned on and 'did something to yourself'? I think not.
It doesn't mean you are being unfaithful it doesnt mean you are a freak. All it means is that you are normal.

Now, if you started preferring masturbating with a romantic novel to having sex with your husband, then there is something not quite right going on that you need to address.

Same thing for us men....we just use different literature.

Lisa...get naked infront of your husband...caress your own breasts and tell him that at least he can have you in the flesh...tell him you love him and want to give him the best O of his life etc....carry on as normal....

Men watching porn is about as normal as.....water being wet is!

Last edited by jezza; 03-31-2011 at 07:57 AM.
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Old 03-31-2011, 07:53 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my husband has been watching porn

Had you ever had a discussion about how you feel about porn? If not, your reaction seems over the top, to me. Porn and masturbation are not necessarily bad for people and marriages in general (in my opinion). But they can be bad if one spouse is not respectful of the other one's feelings. Lieing about it seems like it should be as much of a problem as the material itself, but he likely anticipated your reaction to at least a certain degree.

This coming to you from a guy who started flipping through the underwear section of the Sears catalog at age 13...

C
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Old 03-31-2011, 07:57 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my husband has been watching porn

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Originally Posted by Halien View Post
Here comes a lame parallel, but I hope it helps. My wife's mother loved trashy romance novels. My wife occasionally read these, and the dreamy expression on her face struck me with jealousy, frankly, until I made the connection that she wasn't comparing me to these banal girly men. I mean, how dare she dream of having sex with another guy, right? So, when the book dissapeared behind her back when I got home, I felt bad because I was the one who made the connection that led to her guilt.
To the OP I respect your opinion on porn. Your respects were not honored and for that I'm sorry.

On my feelings my dh and I actually argued about this the other day. He called me out on those trashy romance novels that I recently got. He got quite angry which surprised me because he never gets mad. BTW: I haven't read a trashy romance novel for probably 10 years so this was a "new" thing. And get this my husband is probably the only man on the planet that didn't know exactly what was in those novels (I had to open my big mouth and tell him). With this new knowledge he got angry.

He accused ME of using porn and he was visibly upset. We argued. Let me tell you being on the receiving end of this was NOT fun. I felt incredibly guilty and awful and I truly felt I'd done nothing wrong. All those novels did was really make me want to have MORE sex with my husband. I didn't dream of some other man. I didn't masterbate to them. I felt they were harmless. But his comments haunted me. So I did what I always did I started researching...

My conclusion is he is right those books ARE porn for women and who I am to cry double standard. Now he has no interest in watching porn but we discussed that too calmly. We decided porn was okay as long as it enhanced a relationship and in all the cases we were aware of that was the way it worked. Many couples even watch porn together. The problem comes in when it becomes an addiction, a solitary activity and it takes away from the relationship. I've know of a couple of cases like that (friends) and sadly it was the women that drove these men underground with their habit because of the shame that they felt. Taboo made it more appealing. Kinda like kids take away their candy and they want it more.

I grew up with porn. My parents used it all the time to enhance their sex life. It was never a problem and I'm used to it.

Just my .02

And again if you truly are against it then my heart goes out to you and I hope he validates your feelings.
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Old 03-31-2011, 08:56 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my husband has been watching porn

All posters, please refrain from turning this thread into another public debate on porn. Please keep your comments directed at the OP's concerns and refrain from arguing the pros and cons of porn. Several posts have been removed from this thread for hijacking or abusive comments. If your's is removed consider it a warning. If you'd like to further discuss the porn issue please open a new thread with a title that invites debate on the issue. Thanks.
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Old 03-31-2011, 10:24 AM   #10 (permalink)
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My husband and I have been dealing with the same issues. We have been together for 4 years. .married for 1. When I first found out about it. .I freaked out. I know I shouldn't have but I had never really been around porn. . never talked about with parents or anything. My mother was overly protective and didn't ever say much about porn/sex. I also felt hurt, unattractive, lied too and felt I wasn't good enough for him. We have fought on and off about this every since. I tried compromising and watching it together. . it seemed to work. .but find out he was still downloading and watching without me and not saying anything about it. I LOVE sex. . we do a lot of things together and I am very open to doing whatever. We do have a great sex life. .we are usually doing something every night of the week. .and we do have "relax" days. He says males are visual. . which I get. And he says it's not me. I'm beautiful. .etc I have told him..just be open with me about it. If I happen to see a website in the history and I ask about it. .don't get defensive. If you see a new position you want to try. .say something. If you find a better website. .share it. HE WON'T DO IT. I have shared movies I have found with him. . I have shared websites that I have found to work on our phones. He continues to hide. .hide . .hide and be secreative. I asked him what is his favorite site. He says I only have one I go too. Ok, a few weeks later..I happen to use the internet on his phone since mine was down and he has a couple other websites favorited...why didn't he share with me? Anyway, with our last talk he disabled his internet on his phone. He admitted to watching porn everyday. . multiple times a day. That hurts. . all the times we have talked about this. .he never said he watched it everyday. I thought it was a few times a week. .on the days we didn't do stuff together. I know he has been watching since his teens. .but give me a break. I do everything in the bedroom. .and more if he wanted. I feel if he can't be 100% open about it then he doesn't need to do it at all. And right now I honestly don't believe he is not watching it. I think he is finding away to watch it behind my back again. .I just don't have any proof this time. I also know that he doesn't openly tell me other things. .if I don't ask specifically. So, I can't say he "lies" because he doesn't he just doesn't offer information. Which makes me feel like I talk to much..so I have been trying to hold back information. .which in return makes me feel guilty. Anyway, I'm gonna stop ranting. . I really just wanted to let you know that I understand what your going through. I still have not found a way to deal with it. I have tried just letting it go. .but for some reason there is a piece of me that just can't let it go. I've lost respect for him..and it is affecting our marriage.
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Old 03-31-2011, 12:17 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Canidothis. I know everyone is different, and has different motives. But in my opinion most men watch porn because its an escape. I spent most of my teen years watching porn almost daily. It feels good as a man to watch porn, seeing it releases those tasty brain chemicals that we all love as humans.
But I don't think the porn itself is what you should be worrying about. The good feelings I got from it were just a supplement for something else that I was really needing. Your husband may be hiding this because it is his "escape". Porn can be as habit forming as a drug, and people use drugs because they are missing something in life.

You sound like an amazing wife that is so willing to give (my wife and I haven't had sex in three months and we've only been married for six!). But you may not be meeting his needs elsewhere. It sounds like you do alot for him in the bedroom, but do you ever make him feel like a man? Do you ever tell him just how much you want to **** him or tell him just how good he makes you feel? He may have feelings of inadequacy.

Or his issues may have nothing to do with your marriage at all. Is he belittled at work? Or disrespected by people he's close to? Does he have a stressful job?

Do your best to find out what he is missing or maybe try to go to counseling. Remember an alcoholic doesn't drink because he likes the taste, he drinks for the buzz. Your husband may be doing the same with porn.

Hope this was helpful!
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Old 03-31-2011, 12:36 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YoungBuck View Post
Canidothis. I know everyone is different, and has different motives. But in my opinion most men watch porn because its an escape. I spent most of my teen years watching porn almost daily. It feels good as a man to watch porn, seeing it releases those tasty brain chemicals that we all love as humans.
But I don't think the porn itself is what you should be worrying about. The good feelings I got from it were just a supplement for something else that I was really needing. Your husband may be hiding this because it is his "escape". Porn can be as habit forming as a drug, and people use drugs because they are missing something in life.

You sound like an amazing wife that is so willing to give (my wife and I haven't had sex in three months and we've only been married for six!). But you may not be meeting his needs elsewhere. It sounds like you do alot for him in the bedroom, but do you ever make him feel like a man? Do you ever tell him just how much you want to **** him or tell him just how good he makes you feel? He may have feelings of inadequacy.

Or his issues may have nothing to do with your marriage at all. Is he belittled at work? Or disrespected by people he's close to? Does he have a stressful job?

Do your best to find out what he is missing or maybe try to go to counseling. Remember an alcoholic doesn't drink because he likes the taste, he drinks for the buzz. Your husband may be doing the same with porn.

Hope this was helpful!
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I wasn't going to respond to this, but it royally set me off so I feel the need to respond.

If I have to hear one more time about chemicals, biology and visualization that men experience that women don't - I think I'll scream and then cut my own throat.

Men can justify it in any way they want to - but it's disgusting. You don't HAVE TO LOOK AT PORN, you will not DIE IF YOU DON'T LOOK AT PORN, you're life will not be worse off if you DON'T LOOK AT PORN.

Porn is not a need - it's strictly a want and a disrespectful one at that when the spouse is hurt by it and it causes her obvious pain.

And the fact that he's looking at porn has diddly-squat to do with what he may/may not be getting in the bedroom.

My husband GETS everything he wants and then some and still looks at porn - that absolutely has nothing to do with it in a lot of cases.

Quit justifying behavior(s) that cause pain to your spouse. I don't care what it is - if it causes them pain - then quit. You don't want to, then don't tell me you love and respect them because your actions show you don't.

And actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.

Okay - I feel better now....
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Old 03-31-2011, 12:38 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by canidothis View Post
My husband and I have been dealing with the same issues. We have been together for 4 years. .married for 1. When I first found out about it. .I freaked out. I know I shouldn't have but I had never really been around porn. . never talked about with parents or anything. My mother was overly protective and didn't ever say much about porn/sex. I also felt hurt, unattractive, lied too and felt I wasn't good enough for him. We have fought on and off about this every since. I tried compromising and watching it together. . it seemed to work. .but find out he was still downloading and watching without me and not saying anything about it. I LOVE sex. . we do a lot of things together and I am very open to doing whatever. We do have a great sex life. .we are usually doing something every night of the week. .and we do have "relax" days. He says males are visual. . which I get. And he says it's not me. I'm beautiful. .etc I have told him..just be open with me about it. If I happen to see a website in the history and I ask about it. .don't get defensive. If you see a new position you want to try. .say something. If you find a better website. .share it. HE WON'T DO IT. I have shared movies I have found with him. . I have shared websites that I have found to work on our phones. He continues to hide. .hide . .hide and be secreative. I asked him what is his favorite site. He says I only have one I go too. Ok, a few weeks later..I happen to use the internet on his phone since mine was down and he has a couple other websites favorited...why didn't he share with me? Anyway, with our last talk he disabled his internet on his phone. He admitted to watching porn everyday. . multiple times a day. That hurts. . all the times we have talked about this. .he never said he watched it everyday. I thought it was a few times a week. .on the days we didn't do stuff together. I know he has been watching since his teens. .but give me a break. I do everything in the bedroom. .and more if he wanted. I feel if he can't be 100% open about it then he doesn't need to do it at all. And right now I honestly don't believe he is not watching it. I think he is finding away to watch it behind my back again. .I just don't have any proof this time. I also know that he doesn't openly tell me other things. .if I don't ask specifically. So, I can't say he "lies" because he doesn't he just doesn't offer information. Which makes me feel like I talk to much..so I have been trying to hold back information. .which in return makes me feel guilty. Anyway, I'm gonna stop ranting. . I really just wanted to let you know that I understand what your going through. I still have not found a way to deal with it. I have tried just letting it go. .but for some reason there is a piece of me that just can't let it go. I've lost respect for him..and it is affecting our marriage.

Trust me - he is lying and he has gone underground.

My husband lies about it too and keeps trying to go further underground, but I'm a lot smarter than he gives me credit for.

I know he's doing it, lying about it, etc. And it is slowly causing extreme resentment and disgust to build in me.

And guess what - he doesn't care and continues the behavior.

Not a problem for me if we were having regular sex, but we're not - I've been replaced by a 9X11" computer screen and it sucks!

Just know you're not alone.
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Old 03-31-2011, 12:53 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YoungBuck View Post
Canidothis. I know everyone is different, and has different motives. But in my opinion most men watch porn because its an escape. I spent most of my teen years watching porn almost daily. It feels good as a man to watch porn, seeing it releases those tasty brain chemicals that we all love as humans.
But I don't think the porn itself is what you should be worrying about. The good feelings I got from it were just a supplement for something else that I was really needing. Your husband may be hiding this because it is his "escape". Porn can be as habit forming as a drug, and people use drugs because they are missing something in life.

You sound like an amazing wife that is so willing to give (my wife and I haven't had sex in three months and we've only been married for six!). But you may not be meeting his needs elsewhere. It sounds like you do alot for him in the bedroom, but do you ever make him feel like a man? Do you ever tell him just how much you want to **** him or tell him just how good he makes you feel? He may have feelings of inadequacy.

Or his issues may have nothing to do with your marriage at all. Is he belittled at work? Or disrespected by people he's close to? Does he have a stressful job?

Do your best to find out what he is missing or maybe try to go to counseling. Remember an alcoholic doesn't drink because he likes the taste, he drinks for the buzz. Your husband may be doing the same with porn.

Hope this was helpful!
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I understand all of that. . it does help and thank you. I have read all of this over and over. The thing that gets me is. . .I have asked him what is wrong. I tell him when I feel we need more romance or affection. I tell him I want him to compliment me more. I ask him if there is anything he needs I can do for him. Whether it's physical or emotional or whatever. He always says nothings is wrong. We both notice for 2 weeks there was no kissing. . hand holding etc..when I brought it up. . he said he noticed too. Well, why didn't he say anything? He noticed. . but I guess it didn't bother him enough to say anything. And that is why I AM ALWAYS the one that "causes" fights whether it's about porn or whatever else. Sorry, I didn't mean to go on a rant but if I try and sit down with him and say I think his porn problem is because I'm lacking to do something other than sexual things...if there really is a problem he's not going to say. At this point I'm beginning not to care anymore. I don't know what to say to him to get him to talk.
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Old 03-31-2011, 01:01 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I wasn't going to respond to this, but it royally set me off so I feel the need to respond.

If I have to hear one more time about chemicals, biology and visualization that men experience that women don't - I think I'll scream and then cut my own throat.

Men can justify it in any way they want to - but it's disgusting. You don't HAVE TO LOOK AT PORN, you will not DIE IF YOU DON'T LOOK AT PORN, you're life will not be worse off if you DON'T LOOK AT PORN.

Porn is not a need - it's strictly a want and a disrespectful one at that when the spouse is hurt by it and it causes her obvious pain.

And the fact that he's looking at porn has diddly-squat to do with what he may/may not be getting in the bedroom.

My husband GETS everything he wants and then some and still looks at porn - that absolutely has nothing to do with it in a lot of cases.

Quit justifying behavior(s) that cause pain to your spouse. I don't care what it is - if it causes them pain - then quit. You don't want to, then don't tell me you love and respect them because your actions show you don't.

And actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.

Okay - I feel better now....
Wow im glad you feel better.

But i just wanted to make it clear that I was in NO way defending the use of porn. I was just trying to explain how it can be used as a crutch just like any other habit forming thing. And why it is so attractive to MEN especially, since that is who we are dealing with.

I personally believe it is disgusting and degrading to humans and relationships. Even if your partner is "okay" with it. I was just informing her of possible reasons her husband would be hiding it from her. Not making it seem like a healthy thing to do.
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