Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Orlando, Florida
Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!
Is your wife defensive about talking about her past? I am not particularly talking about any sexual past, or anything like that. What I am asking is more down to the essence of past hurts from yours (the two of you) or other relationship she has had? Did she have a very strict upbringing, verbally or physically abusive family and / or abbusive dating experiences before being with you. Is there any unforgiven hurts from those or your relationships?
All of those things in a person's past can cause intimacy to be especially difficult. If there are any hurts that make her too vulnerable to let down her guard and be intimate then that may be an underlying cause for a lack of sexual desire.
Of course, this could be one of many reasons for a lack of sexual desire. I do want to make it clear that I am not fishing for juicy details about your wife's personal life to be splashed on this forum. I am just trying to suggest to you one possible cause of sexual frigidity in people.
I would definitely caution you (if you do not already know the answers to these personal questions about your wife) to tell her about the types of questions that they are and ask her if she feels comfortable telling you about anything she would like to share. Leave the conversation open ended. Do not interrogate her about these things, expecting answers, one-by-one and then expect her to be open about it.
If she opens up to you then it may be a great opportunity for her to get healing. Also, for you, it can be a way to know that the real reason why she is not so interested in sex with you is not based on who you are as a person and as her husband.
If she opens up to you I would caution you not to share her story on the forum, unless she tells you that she wants to tell other people about this kind of emotional baggage issue on a forum like this.
Again, it is not a guarantee that past issues are responsible for her lack of sexual desire. It may be just be one of many other reasons for your sexual problems or she may not have anything of the sort in her past that makes her less interested in sex, in this time of her life.
In my experience, as a married man who has been married for 7 years and has four kids all under the age of 5, young kids can suck the libido right out of you.
Some of the prior posts addressed the hormonal mommy and body change issues, those could be a strong factor.
I think that you are doing the right things getting advice. Love waits, is proactive, is relational, gets at the root cause of problems, puts your spouse's needs ahead of your own. Tell her how important sex with her is to you, make her feel special and beautiful.
I would even suggest on top of getting at any possible root causes of her lack of sexual desire to tell her that there is no short term set goal needed to have sex with her. Tell her that you want to actively work on this together and remind each other that your goal is her being emotionally healed (if she is in need of it), so that when she is ready, your can have wonderful sexual intimacy together. That might take the pressure off of her and help her to open up more.
Talk to her about your physical needs during this time of healing. My wife and I have a system. If she is not in the mood and if I am horny and need a release, she gives the ok to for me to masturbate. Sometimes she does it for me. And, sometimes when she does it for me she really gets in the mood and the need to masturbate goes out the window.
Two cautions about this method. This method needs to be used especially during the healing time for her to be able to get the counseling / healing / self-esteem issues worked out without the problem of you going crazy in the mean time. It should not become the default thing you guys end up doing because the sexual problem is not being resolved. You two could slip into a real sexual rut if this is the only solution you use. Involve her in the decision to do this method on a case by case basis, Sometimes my wife doesn't feel right about having me masturbate. So to instill hope in the sexual aspect of our marriage, we talk about our sex life, why she is not ready and when would be the best time to try again.
The hope of steady progress in our sexual life together really gets me through the stretch of time, even if it is just a day, before we try again to be intimate together.
I hope this advice and these tips help. They may not apply, but it certainly doesn't hurt to try and get at the root causes and have a plan of action together to get through this time together.