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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 04-04-2011, 01:21 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

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Yeah it can be brutal sometimes..

But so far its the only thing I found that works with her.. I know with all the abuse I get from her, she does love me.. It just so weird that when I stand up to her she is happy.. its like she feeds off of it..
She does feed off it. I would have too. It would have been a high for me and counseling has taught me that I don't need that rush to love my husband (I've done a 180 and am really nice now). Back then my dh took the high road and REFUSED to fight with me, sleep with me, talk to me, man up or anything else actually. His silence/withdrawal was eventually what drove me to MC. I couldn't take it anymore. It was excruciating especially since I'm the one with the higher sex drive. I guess if you looked at it that way he did man up by refusing to give me the one thing I truly wanted. Hmmmmm very sneaky maybe. But hey I don't care it worked and we are better now. I wouldn't go back to those power hungry days for anything. Good riddance.
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Old 04-04-2011, 01:31 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

What is MC is that miss carriage..
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Old 04-04-2011, 01:35 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

3 years is not long to be married, and you have had a child now. you say she is hesitant... for me, there was a big transition from being a childless gal to being a mom. some kinds of old ideas about what moms are and do kicked in. as a single gal I took a lot more risks in sex (I was a lot more playful and less serious, and of course there was loads more time) and I was a lot lighter about my sex life. being a mom and having a baby in the next room made me shy. I also felt shy about my body, which changed after the pregnancy (little belly, bigger breasts, wider hips, a bit of a scar where I tore in the birthing). Maybe ask her - say 'you seem more hesitant than before we had the baby - do you feel differnt about sex?' - and just listen. don't react. don't do it when there is possiblity of follow up -have this discussion in the car (but not on your way to a family dinner). maybe her body hurts. or maybe she is up at night and feels tired. or maybe she got mad at your over something about having a baby and feels differently about you. or maybe she is worried about getting pregnant. if she is evasive, ask her what it would take for her to talk about it. and be caring but firm and honest - you love her, you want to have a great life with her, and you seem to be getting the message that she wants sex less -is it true for her? - tell her that would make you sad. You can't "fake" satisfaction on this one - but you might have to compromise. In fact, giving her a night off and taking over the parenting duties might be the most loving thing you could do. I bet she would run into your arms at the end of the night.
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Old 04-04-2011, 01:45 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

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What is MC is that miss carriage..
Marriage counseling.
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Old 04-04-2011, 01:54 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

So how did Marriage counseling go?

I have talked about it with my Wife, and she thinks if we go im in for some trouble..

but I have a feeling that is not the case..
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Old 04-04-2011, 02:43 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

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So how did Marriage counseling go?

I have talked about it with my Wife, and she thinks if we go im in for some trouble..

but I have a feeling that is not the case..
I agree with you that's not the case and it wasn't for me either. I went in arms folded, angry and ready for the therapist to fix HIM. What happened couldn't have been farther from that. It took the therapist a few months to get through to me but she did. In a flash I "got it" meaning I finally saw that I was a witch and my horrible marriage was of my creation. That was one of the most humbling experiences of my life. At that point I started going to therapy on my own. I went in that first time head down saying "ok I get it now how do I fix it?"

That was 12 years ago and to this day I say it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I healed and got nicer.

I'm here on this board because I'm ready to knock down those last bricks in the wall I built around me. Over the years I've been chipping away at it brick by brick getting nicer and nicer each time. Kinda cool actually. I didn't know what it was like to be happy and now I do.
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Old 04-08-2011, 03:21 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

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She doesnt deserve it, but I needed to be a jerk..

Im not the one rejecting me..
Wow. This mentality is scary. You feel that you are entitled to be hurtful, just because you "need to be a jerk."
Your wife must not love herself.
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Old 04-09-2011, 06:20 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

Tool, she's afraid that if she goes, SHE's in for some trouble. Keep pushing the issue, and she will try to find a way to weasel out of it every time.
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Old 04-09-2011, 12:01 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

I know it is difficult to do without the significant other. I always have to initiate the love making in our relationship. We have four kids and it hard to initiate it when you have no time. There has been times I have waited 10 months for her to initiate the love making. She claims that, "sex, is not the most important thing in the marriage." Maybe she is right? We have to create that bound of closeness and to meet her needs before our needs will be met. Maybe, if you meet her needs, then maybe she will meet your needs. I have been talking to Mont Fertel on marriage counseling, I want his tracks but I am disabled and I am on a steady income. I need it because I am doing everything you are. I tell her "I love her all the time, I touch her to let her know that she is always wanted. I kiss her every time either of us leave the house. I try to treat everyday as if it is my last day here on the Earth. Mont Fertel should help.
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Old 04-09-2011, 11:21 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

My Wife said the same thing to me, that sex is not the most important thing..

She had her priorities all out of wack.. I had to drive this point home pretty hard..
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Old 04-11-2011, 02:52 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

This sounds like my story exactly. I have tried every angle in the book on my wife and nothing works. I have thought about the whole marriage counseling thing. Sounds like that will work. I don't want my wife to feel like the one that is getting beat on. I try so hard not to bring it up and be sweet and romantic in the times that we do have, but it does nothing for her. When we talk about it she says that she gets so caught up in being a mommy that she forgets about being a wife. She says that she is very uncomfortable with the way that she looks. I think she is beautiful. My sexual desire is love driven, not "18 year old body" driven. I feel your pain man and I hope you figure something out.
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Old 04-13-2011, 06:36 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

sorry to hear your dilemma try and talk to your wife about this in a cool and relaxed manner if she loves you she will listen
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Old 04-18-2011, 11:46 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

Maybe since your baby is still only a year old she hasn't gotten used to the post baby body situation. It can take some getting used to, I would let her know you know you find all of her still very attractive. Try a massage. Or if she is a power driven woman maybe she wants you to take charge.
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Old 04-19-2011, 01:25 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

Is your wife defensive about talking about her past? I am not particularly talking about any sexual past, or anything like that. What I am asking is more down to the essence of past hurts from yours (the two of you) or other relationship she has had? Did she have a very strict upbringing, verbally or physically abusive family and / or abbusive dating experiences before being with you. Is there any unforgiven hurts from those or your relationships?

All of those things in a person's past can cause intimacy to be especially difficult. If there are any hurts that make her too vulnerable to let down her guard and be intimate then that may be an underlying cause for a lack of sexual desire.

Of course, this could be one of many reasons for a lack of sexual desire. I do want to make it clear that I am not fishing for juicy details about your wife's personal life to be splashed on this forum. I am just trying to suggest to you one possible cause of sexual frigidity in people.

I would definitely caution you (if you do not already know the answers to these personal questions about your wife) to tell her about the types of questions that they are and ask her if she feels comfortable telling you about anything she would like to share. Leave the conversation open ended. Do not interrogate her about these things, expecting answers, one-by-one and then expect her to be open about it.

If she opens up to you then it may be a great opportunity for her to get healing. Also, for you, it can be a way to know that the real reason why she is not so interested in sex with you is not based on who you are as a person and as her husband.

If she opens up to you I would caution you not to share her story on the forum, unless she tells you that she wants to tell other people about this kind of emotional baggage issue on a forum like this.

Again, it is not a guarantee that past issues are responsible for her lack of sexual desire. It may be just be one of many other reasons for your sexual problems or she may not have anything of the sort in her past that makes her less interested in sex, in this time of her life.

In my experience, as a married man who has been married for 7 years and has four kids all under the age of 5, young kids can suck the libido right out of you.

Some of the prior posts addressed the hormonal mommy and body change issues, those could be a strong factor.

I think that you are doing the right things getting advice. Love waits, is proactive, is relational, gets at the root cause of problems, puts your spouse's needs ahead of your own. Tell her how important sex with her is to you, make her feel special and beautiful.

I would even suggest on top of getting at any possible root causes of her lack of sexual desire to tell her that there is no short term set goal needed to have sex with her. Tell her that you want to actively work on this together and remind each other that your goal is her being emotionally healed (if she is in need of it), so that when she is ready, your can have wonderful sexual intimacy together. That might take the pressure off of her and help her to open up more.

Talk to her about your physical needs during this time of healing. My wife and I have a system. If she is not in the mood and if I am horny and need a release, she gives the ok to for me to masturbate. Sometimes she does it for me. And, sometimes when she does it for me she really gets in the mood and the need to masturbate goes out the window.

Two cautions about this method. This method needs to be used especially during the healing time for her to be able to get the counseling / healing / self-esteem issues worked out without the problem of you going crazy in the mean time. It should not become the default thing you guys end up doing because the sexual problem is not being resolved. You two could slip into a real sexual rut if this is the only solution you use. Involve her in the decision to do this method on a case by case basis, Sometimes my wife doesn't feel right about having me masturbate. So to instill hope in the sexual aspect of our marriage, we talk about our sex life, why she is not ready and when would be the best time to try again.

The hope of steady progress in our sexual life together really gets me through the stretch of time, even if it is just a day, before we try again to be intimate together.

I hope this advice and these tips help. They may not apply, but it certainly doesn't hurt to try and get at the root causes and have a plan of action together to get through this time together.
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Old 04-20-2011, 01:15 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

I was thinking the other day and thought that perhaps open communication could help. I have learned to tell my wife, "I can't read your mind. I will just listen, tell me how you are doing." Then I get my turn. Both of us have learned not to interrupt the other during this time of communication. There is a lot of emotional stress that comes with having a new baby.

I know, my wife gave birth to our fourth child 5 weeks ago and doing this kind of communication really helps us stay relationally and emotionally connected. We can't quite have sex yet because she is still healing, but we do outer course and a cuddling. I hope that it helps in the process of getting the sex part of your marriage going again!
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