Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 04-01-2011, 05:13 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

Hi everyone,

I'm new to these forums, and I joined to try and find some advice...

I've been married for three years, and my wife and I were together for around 4 years before that. We have a beautiful and happy 1 year old daughter whom we both love dearly, and would do anything for.

The problem is, our sex life has dwindled to insignificance, and this was starting to happen well before the baby was even born.

I love my wife very much, and I think she is very sexy, but I don't think she shares the sexual need as much as I do.

- I am always the one who initiates sex, and more often than not she comes up with some excuse or other (i'm too tired, I have a headache, there are things that need doing etc)
- We haven't had sex for over a month, this is the norm.
- She hasn't gone down on me in years.
- If I try to have a discussion about it, she turns the conversation away to other issues, or gets defensive, and the issue turns into an argument
- I have recently began to get upset and frustrated and even depressed when she turns me down, and my attempts to initiate sex have become less frequent
- Tonight I even stopped talking to her after she turned me down. I'm too upset to talk to her and I don't even know how to bring the subject up any more.

I think I'm a good husband overall, and I take my share of the housework and childcare responsibilities without bragging or boasting about anything I do.

I'm attentive and caring about her emotional needs. I feel I'm a romantic person, and regularly reassure her about how much I love her and how much my family means to me, but I'm starting to feel like I'm being taken for granted, and It's very hurtful.

Can anyone please tell me if I'm doing anything wrong, and if I'm being too demanding? I really don't know what to think any more!
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Old 04-01-2011, 05:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

You're are not being too demanding. Too much rejection often leads to resentment, which it seems like you are experiencing. Sometimes pulling back can help; you can become less available emotionally.
I'm told that having a baby can cause issues for a couple's sex life. She could possibly feel very unattractive after gaining baby weight. Your wife may also have a hard time being a mother and a sexual being at the same time; she needs to grow accustomed to her new role.
Are you able to get away for a weekend without the baby?
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Old 04-01-2011, 05:45 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

Thanks for your reply Mrs G

There's been a few weekends where we've left the baby with parents, but even then she seems hesitant, and will only have sex if I insist. I feel like she's doing me a favour.

Like I said, this was starting to happen even before the baby came. I've tried withdrawing emotionally, and this does help in terms of her being more open to talk, and she insists that she's still attracted to me, but the sex still doesn't materialize.
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Old 04-01-2011, 06:15 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

It is good you have come to these forums. There is the solution to exactly your problem.

Quote:
Originally Posted by notmyday View Post
Hi everyone,

I'm new to these forums, and I joined to try and find some advice...

I've been married for three years, and my wife and I were together for around 4 years before that. We have a beautiful and happy 1 year old daughter whom we both love dearly, and would do anything for.

The problem is, our sex life has dwindled to insignificance, and this was starting to happen well before the baby was even born.

I love my wife very much, and I think she is very sexy, but I don't think she shares the sexual need as much as I do.
Your woman will be as sexual to you as you make her feel.

Think about what ways do you make her feel that she is a very sexual woman, married to a sexual man that is worthy of her.

And think about what ways perhaps you do you NOT make her feel this way.

Quote:
- I am always the one who initiates sex, and more often than not she comes up with some excuse or other (i'm too tired, I have a headache, there are things that need doing etc)
Learn what a "fitness test" is, and stop failing and instead learn how to pass them.

Quote:
- We haven't had sex for over a month, this is the norm.
A month without sex, not good.

Quote:
- She hasn't gone down on me in years.
What kind of man were you when she did "go down" on you? And what kind of man perhaps are you now?

Quote:
- If I try to have a discussion about it, she turns the conversation away to other issues, or gets defensive, and the issue turns into an argument
Talking, begging, pleading, negotiating for sex, this will never work.

Unless your woman is driven to rip off your clothes, or is aching for your touch or to be ravished by you, then you are not doing all that you need to be doing in this area.

Sex is primal, ancient, emotional.

Talking, speaking, using words, negotiating, this is not primal, merely intellectual.

Therefore understand talking is not going to work for sexual attraction.

Quote:
- I have recently began to get upset and frustrated and even depressed when she turns me down, and my attempts to initiate sex have become less frequent
This is the spiral of resentment.

Your woman, her respect and sexual attraction to you diminishes, and your resentment increases, leading to increased behavior on your part to continue to lose her respect and lose her sexual attraction (behaving as a defeated man).

Quote:
Tonight I even stopped talking to her after she turned me down. I'm too upset to talk to her and I don't even know how to bring the subject up any more.
Your solution, not to "bring up subject", but instead, start doing things to increase respect and sexual attractoin, and stop doing things to kill respect and sexual attraction.

Quote:
I think I'm a good husband overall, and I take my share of the housework and childcare responsibilities without bragging or boasting about anything I do.
Well and good, but nothing to do with sexual attractoin.

The man that lights a woman's fire, is not the man that kisses her butt or does much housework. This is simply barking up the wrong tree completely.

Instead, the man that is a challenge, has mystery, who knows what he wants and has the courage and strength to pursue it, is the man who is not deprived of sexual affection.

The man who creates in his woman a FEELING that she must be a very much beautiful and sexual feminine woman to attract the attention of such a man, this is the man who does not go over a month without sex!

Quote:
I'm attentive and caring about her emotional needs. I feel I'm a romantic person, and regularly reassure her about how much I love her and how much my family means to me, but I'm starting to feel like I'm being taken for granted, and It's very hurtful.
Less words, and more action on your part.


Quote:
Can anyone please tell me if I'm doing anything wrong,
You are doing much wrong.

Being needy, begging and negotiating for sex, making your woman feel that you are LUCKY to be with her, instead inside her only makes her feel like she is in a relationship with a sexual charity case, which makes her feel like a charity case as well. This is the root of her own resentment and emotional and sexual distance from you.

A woman, she is wanting to FEEL as if her man is the greatest and sexiest man in the world. Therefore to be in a relatoinship with such a man, makes herself FEEL as if she is the greatest and sexiest woman in the world.

Quote:
and if I'm being too demanding? I really don't know what to think any more!
Not demanding at all.

The lack of sexual connection and affection, is a symptom of a larger problem.

Most importantly, the fact that you even worry about being "too demanding" is itself a great red flag!!!

Your solution, become the kind of man that is worthy of "being demanding".

Start here:

The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference

I wish you well.
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Old 04-01-2011, 07:12 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

I know you said the dwindling sex life started before the baby, but keep in mind that if she's on birth control right now, it's possible the bc could hinder your efforts to re-ignite her sexually. Sometimes birth control has no effect, sometimes it causes a strong decrease in sex drive...you'll have to evaluate if that may be contributing to the problem.
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Old 04-01-2011, 08:09 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

I had sex 2 times in the last 2 weeks.. totally not normal for us..

So tonight im sitting on our bed chatting with my Son.. Wife comes in and asks if I can check for spots in her throat she thinks she might be coming down with strep.. I said to her, good you deserve it.. She got pissed and left the room.. I let her fume for a few minutes, and then I walk by her and she calls me mean.. I tore into her pretty good.. Yeah we will be having lots of sex this weekend and tonight lol..

I hate being mean lol.. but if that gets me laid then so be it..
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Old 04-01-2011, 09:05 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

Being mean is a childish response and won't help your case. Read the nice guy / man up links
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Old 04-01-2011, 09:06 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tool View Post
So tonight im sitting on our bed chatting with my Son.. Wife comes in and asks if I can check for spots in her throat she thinks she might be coming down with strep.. I said to her, good you deserve it.. She got pissed and left the room.. I let her fume for a few minutes, and then I walk by her and she calls me mean.. I tore into her pretty good.. Yeah we will be having lots of sex this weekend and tonight lol..

I hate being mean lol.. but if that gets me laid then so be it..
Why on earth does she deserve to get strep throat? And you said this in front of your son? Way to teach your child how to treat his future wife...

Maybe, by some twisted way, you'll get laid this weekend, but you're putting your marriage in a bad place if that's how you think you can treat her.
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Old 04-01-2011, 09:40 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

She doesnt deserve it, but I needed to be a jerk..

Im not the one rejecting me..
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Old 04-01-2011, 09:46 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

NotmyDay,

Take a look at the link below. Does it resonate with you?

The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R


Quote:
Originally Posted by notmyday View Post
Hi everyone,

I'm new to these forums, and I joined to try and find some advice...

I've been married for three years, and my wife and I were together for around 4 years before that. We have a beautiful and happy 1 year old daughter whom we both love dearly, and would do anything for.

The problem is, our sex life has dwindled to insignificance, and this was starting to happen well before the baby was even born.

I love my wife very much, and I think she is very sexy, but I don't think she shares the sexual need as much as I do.

- I am always the one who initiates sex, and more often than not she comes up with some excuse or other (i'm too tired, I have a headache, there are things that need doing etc)
- We haven't had sex for over a month, this is the norm.
- She hasn't gone down on me in years.
- If I try to have a discussion about it, she turns the conversation away to other issues, or gets defensive, and the issue turns into an argument
- I have recently began to get upset and frustrated and even depressed when she turns me down, and my attempts to initiate sex have become less frequent
- Tonight I even stopped talking to her after she turned me down. I'm too upset to talk to her and I don't even know how to bring the subject up any more.

I think I'm a good husband overall, and I take my share of the housework and childcare responsibilities without bragging or boasting about anything I do.

I'm attentive and caring about her emotional needs. I feel I'm a romantic person, and regularly reassure her about how much I love her and how much my family means to me, but I'm starting to feel like I'm being taken for granted, and It's very hurtful.

Can anyone please tell me if I'm doing anything wrong, and if I'm being too demanding? I really don't know what to think any more!
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Old 04-02-2011, 03:31 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

Bigbadwolf.... thanks for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it. However I find little advice or useful help in your comments, you seem to be mostly just judging me and commenting on everything I'm doing wrong. I'm happy with 'the man I am'. I'm a successful writer and musician, I work out and am well placed socially.

Tool.... Thx but I have no intention of being mean to my wife. I love her and I don't intend to play mind games.

Mem11613.... it resonates a little, but tbh its a 2 way street in most points. We both call each other, we both say I love u and we both initiate cuddling and kissing. It's only the sex that's missing.

And mgirl, she's not on birth control
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Old 04-02-2011, 10:12 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

I agree with the advice BigBadWolf gave, let us know what kind of feed back you get.
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Old 04-04-2011, 01:26 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

Oh you think im a piece of work..

My Wife is very power hungry and I let her walk all over me for years.. What I said to her this weekend doesn't even come close to some of the verbal abuse I have gotten from her over the years..

As part of me having to Man up, from time to time I need to disrupt the stability in our relationship to take the power back.. If she starts in with using sex as a weapon again, I take the power back and she wont keep her hands off me..

Oh this morning she was mean, she did something wrong and instantly blamed me for it.. I manned up and told her to be more careful next time, and she gave me an earful of bad words with the kids sitting right there.. Her power play failed and she soon apologized.. A year ago, she would have used this as a reason to not have sex.. And I would be guilty for something I didnt do..
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Old 04-04-2011, 01:59 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tool View Post
Oh you think im a piece of work..

My Wife is very power hungry and I let her walk all over me for years.. What I said to her this weekend doesn't even come close to some of the verbal abuse I have gotten from her over the years..
I've read your other threads so I know exactly the type of woman you are married to. These people have no idea what you are dealing with. I know because I used to be that power hungry witch. It's a miracle I'm still married. I got help (therapy) so my dh never had to "man up" but he really should have it might have saved our marriage sooner.

I just hate that their are kids involved. When I was like this we didn't have any yet. Thank goodness.

Sorry you are having to deal with this but I understand completely why you are having to do what you are doing.
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Old 04-04-2011, 02:09 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!

Thanks magnoliagal.

Yeah it can be brutal sometimes..

But so far its the only thing I found that works with her.. I know with all the abuse I get from her, she does love me.. It just so weird that when I stand up to her she is happy.. its like she feeds off of it..
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