Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I would probably say 6 times out of 10. I guess thats more than half the time. As you can tell it takes away from the excitement of sex because while he's putting the moves on me I'm thinking...oh man, is this going to take forever or is he not even going to be able to finish....it almost creates some anxiety when he starts to touch me
I would probably say 6 times out of 10. I guess thats more than half the time. As you can tell it takes away from the excitement of sex because while he's putting the moves on me I'm thinking...oh man, is this going to take forever or is he not even going to be able to finish....it almost creates some anxiety when he starts to touch me
You just uttered the words that I wondered if my ex was thinking and feeling.
We ended up sexless and divorced.
I'm going to make the optimistic assumption that you would like to avoid that outcome. If so, the two of you need to be talking about it more and looking for ways that you can both be happy and satisfied with the circumstances, regardless of who is or isn't getting off.
I would probably say 6 times out of 10. I guess thats more than half the time. As you can tell it takes away from the excitement of sex because while he's putting the moves on me I'm thinking...oh man, is this going to take forever or is he not even going to be able to finish....it almost creates some anxiety when he starts to touch me
I totally get you about the anxiety part. My husband has had his own issues in the sack, and the pressure of performing and the both of you liking it, can get to ya!!
So, how is your communication in the bedroom? Do you feel pretty open about it or is their trouble? Is he forward about the things that he likes and wants, in the sex department?
BTW, you said that this has been going on for 3 years...may I ask, how long you to have been together/married?
I had always taken a long time to reach orgasm, but a couple of things happened that made reaching orgasm quite difficult, if not impossible.
Before I mention these things, I want to say that my new wife has been most understanding, and helped reduce my own anxiety caused by not reaching orgasm. As mentioned above here and there, there is a vicious cycle that starts with ANY kind of pressure for sexual performance. Thinking about coming only makes it harder to come. Feeling bad about the potential of not coming, makes it hard to even get started. Etc. Feeling that you MUST please a partner or feeling that you MUST achieve orgasm to please your partner puts a real damper on what can be an act that is full of love, sharing, intimacy, and exchange of pleasure.
Goal-oriented sex might be said to be doomed from the starting pitch.
Prior to meeting my new wife, I had been in a 30 year marriage in which I was verbally and emotionally abused. I really didn't have any trouble orgasming, but over time, I ended up with nearly zero sex with my partner, and did lots of solo performances. I was also under pressure to please my ex wife sexually. In fact, I was reprimanded if I came and she didn't, so ended up learning to hold back for self preservation. Sex became a battleground, and I stopped enjoying things as the marriage wore on.
I ended up going to counseling for anxiety and depression, and ended up taking an SSRI. The SSRI, while helping immensely with the anxiety, and allowing me to realize I was in an unhealthy relationship, completely KO'd my sex drive, and made it nearly impossible to orgasm. That would have been enough to drive me totally nuts, but I do think the lack of sex drive allowed my head to clear enough to get out of the marriage. I was on SSRI for four years. Despite the sexual problems caused by the drug, I have no regrets, and my life has changed.
After we split up, I was out on my own, and found that I could barely even do it myself. It would take HOURS, and I'd have problems with the sequence of things being off. The various aspects of orgasm all happened independently. Erection, ejaculation, and orgasm did not happen in the usual sequence. And I was, alarmingly, going numb at the exact time one would expect the fireworks to start exploding. This was distressing, but I still needed the SSRI for my sanity.
When I met and began dating the woman that would become my new wife, she came to understand what I was going through, and helped me work through the situation. She did not pressure me to perform in any way. Any performance anxiety was self-initiated, and it took me a while to get out from my ex's shadow and realize this was a new day. She mentioned that she had difficulty achieving orgasm until she reached her late twenties, and had learned to enjoy the lovemaking on it's own. She was not afraid to help herself along as needed.
I talked with my doctor, and ended up taking levitra. I gained an ability to go through all the motions, but still could not orgasm. After a few months together, I tapered off the SSRI, and began to feel better. I lost the numbness. Some things started happening on their own, and I started to feel again. However, even after a year off the SSRI, I still only orgasm about 1/3 of the time.
I will share with you that the I was miserable, wracked with embarrassment, until I really understood that I was under no pressure to perform. We worked together to make sure that she was pleased, and I learned to enjoy all the stimulation that surrounds the act. Touching, warmth, and all the good stuff.
Once I stopped being afraid of not coming, I started coming.
So, my point is that I really think that it's dangerous to pressure a person (man or woman) into feeling that one has to come to please the other partner. I sometimes dreaded starting to make love, and would sometimes not be able to even start at all, because I was afraid I wouldn't come.
My husband is 36, too young to have any medical issues, right? We have been married 7 years.
I have to admit that I have put the pressure on him. At the beginning of our relationship he always ended with doggy style. Now that we are past that issue not he isn't able to orgasm (the issue today).
If he would just stop after I orgasm and let me know that he isn't able to that would be fine. But we go and go and go then he tells me, "I can't". Then I get upset and tell him that he should have told me from the beginning and why did he put the moves on me if he wasn't able to orgasm.
The communication is there somewhat but he shuts me down pretty quick with "alright already, I'm sorry" That's my que to shut up.
My husband is 36, too young to have any medical issues, right? We have been married 7 years.
I have to admit that I have put the pressure on him. At the beginning of our relationship he always ended with doggy style. Now that we are past that issue not he isn't able to orgasm (the issue today).
If he would just stop after I orgasm and let me know that he isn't able to that would be fine. But we go and go and go then he tells me, "I can't". Then I get upset and tell him that he should have told me from the beginning and why did he put the moves on me if he wasn't able to orgasm.
The communication is there somewhat but he shuts me down pretty quick with "alright already, I'm sorry" That's my que to shut up.
This isn't good..is it???
No its not good! How you re-act will affect future performance.
I understand where you are coming from, because I have been there. It is frustrating for both partners and sometimes painful to the woman from the continual thrusting. Although I understood intellectually that it was not something I was doing or not doing (we tried everything we could think of), I still felt emotionally like it was my fault - I didn't turn him on enough, I wasn't tight enough, etc. etc.... We are ingrained to think that if sex does not end with an orgasm - we have failed.
For the men it is frustrating because often they feel like they are going to come, but then the feeling fades away. Your husband may keep trying because he may feel like he is on the edge ready to go over, but it just doesn't happen.
Really - listen to me on this - you both have to RELAX. If he has been checked out medically and nothing is physically wrong then you have to STOP being orgasm goal oriented. Don't put any pressure whatsoever on him. You can find ways to give each other pleasure: sensate focus exercises, lots of variations of foreplay, touching, and positions. Slow it down, speed it up - just play with each other and have fun and if it isn't feeling good - don't do it. Take orgasms OFF the plate for awhile and learn to just enjoy the pleasuring.
The more he relaxes and stops focusing on coming and instead focuses on enjoying what is happening at the moment, the more often he will be able to come. Play often and always end with cuddling, just like you do if he did have an orgasm. Give yourselves a time limit so it does not get to the frustrating point. The goal should only be to feel the pleasure of each moment.
DO NOT make an issue of it in any way when he does not come. Keep re-assuring him that what is important to you is being with him and staying physically and emotionally connected. Tell him you enjoy any and all of the sex - with or with out the orgasms.
Finally - if you can afford it - seek out a sex therapist. Sometimes these kinds of problems need a professional to help resolve the issues.
There is something called "Tantra Sex" that does NOT focus on Orgasms, something we have been taught & retaught & expected in all of our encounters with ease.
Such teachings may help you both explore each other in ways you never imagined , bringing heightened Sexual fullfillment & easing these expectations. Here is an article :
There is something called "Tantra Sex" that does NOT focus on Orgasms, something we have been taught & retaught & expected in all of our encounters with ease.
Such teachings may help you both explore each other in ways you never imagined , bringing heightened Sexual fullfillment & easing these expectations. Here is an article :
Again, can't orgasm or can't ejaculate? Those are two completely different things. You also did not describe 'can't' in terms of how long? Are we talking 3 minutes or 20?
For the men it is frustrating because often they feel like they are going to come, but then the feeling fades away. Your husband may keep trying because he may feel like he is on the edge ready to go over, but it just doesn't happen.
Yes … this is often true with one suffering from anorgasmia, you feel like all systems are go, then it all stops. Men may do anything from going numb, limp, or ejaculate without orgasm, or all three. It's really odd. If you read up on the process a man goes through to orgasm with ejaculation, you can see that there is a cascade of chemicals that must occur in a certain order, if there are ANY out of balance, things won't pop as expected. This can happen due to a variety of physical conditions, fatigue, and medications. When I read about the process, it's pretty amazing men ever ejaculate at all. They will likely never ejaculate if they think too much about what is happening, though
Quote:
Originally Posted by mary35
Take orgasms OFF the plate for awhile and learn to just enjoy the pleasuring.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mary35
The more he relaxes and stops focusing on coming and instead focuses on enjoying what is happening at the moment, the more often he will be able to come. ... Give yourselves a time limit so it does not get to the frustrating point. The goal should only be to feel the pleasure of each moment.
Time limit is a good idea. I used to HATE this with my new wife. I'd sit and stew. After a while, I found that if I just enjoyed the moment, there was a chance things might perk up relatively quickly. At any rate, it's much more fun to snuggle with an unclothed, loving, woman than roll over and pout. At least I prefer that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mary35
DO NOT make an issue of it in any way when he does not come. Keep re-assuring him that what is important to you is being with him and staying physically and emotionally connected. Tell him you enjoy any and all of the sex - with or with out the orgasms.
Yes … the power of words are important. He's probably putting a bunch of pressure on himself, even if he doesn't show it. Added pressure from a partner to ejaculate is doomed to fail.
Everyone loves sports analogies:
As Yogi Berra once said "You can't think and bat."
And, as an aside: I used to like to prolong the time it took to make love because having an orgasm, while it was great, may tend to end things. It at very least, signals a transition. I REALLY enjoy the whole bit of foreplay, touching, kissing, etc. I realized this years ago when I noticed that my most erotic fantasies were often about the foreplay.
Re: My husband has a problem with orgasms 
