I had always taken a long time to reach orgasm, but a couple of things happened that made reaching orgasm quite difficult, if not impossible.
Before I mention these things, I want to say that my new wife has been most understanding, and helped reduce my own anxiety caused by not reaching orgasm. As mentioned above here and there, there is a vicious cycle that starts with ANY kind of pressure for sexual performance. Thinking about coming only makes it harder to come. Feeling bad about the potential of not coming, makes it hard to even get started. Etc. Feeling that you MUST please a partner or feeling that you MUST achieve orgasm to please your partner puts a real damper on what can be an act that is full of love, sharing, intimacy, and exchange of pleasure.
Goal-oriented sex might be said to be doomed from the starting pitch.
Prior to meeting my new wife, I had been in a 30 year marriage in which I was verbally and emotionally abused. I really didn't have any trouble orgasming, but over time, I ended up with nearly zero sex with my partner, and did lots of solo performances. I was also under pressure to please my ex wife sexually. In fact, I was reprimanded if I came and she didn't, so ended up learning to hold back for self preservation. Sex became a battleground, and I stopped enjoying things as the marriage wore on.
I ended up going to counseling for anxiety and depression, and ended up taking an SSRI. The SSRI, while helping immensely with the anxiety, and allowing me to realize I was in an unhealthy relationship, completely KO'd my sex drive, and made it nearly impossible to orgasm. That would have been enough to drive me totally nuts, but I do think the lack of sex drive allowed my head to clear enough to get out of the marriage. I was on SSRI for four years. Despite the sexual problems caused by the drug, I have no regrets, and my life has changed.
After we split up, I was out on my own, and found that I could barely even do it myself. It would take HOURS, and I'd have problems with the sequence of things being off. The various aspects of orgasm all happened independently. Erection, ejaculation, and orgasm did not happen in the usual sequence. And I was, alarmingly, going numb at the exact time one would expect the fireworks to start exploding. This was distressing, but I still needed the SSRI for my sanity.
When I met and began dating the woman that would become my new wife, she came to understand what I was going through, and helped me work through the situation. She did not pressure me to perform in any way. Any performance anxiety was self-initiated, and it took me a while to get out from my ex's shadow and realize this was a new day. She mentioned that she had difficulty achieving orgasm until she reached her late twenties, and had learned to enjoy the lovemaking on it's own. She was not afraid to help herself along as needed.
I talked with my doctor, and ended up taking levitra. I gained an ability to go through all the motions, but still could not orgasm. After a few months together, I tapered off the SSRI, and began to feel better. I lost the numbness. Some things started happening on their own, and I started to feel again. However, even after a year off the SSRI, I still only orgasm about 1/3 of the time.
I will share with you that the I was miserable, wracked with embarrassment, until I really understood that I was under no pressure to perform. We worked together to make sure that she was pleased, and I learned to enjoy all the stimulation that surrounds the act. Touching, warmth, and all the good stuff.
Once I stopped being afraid of not coming, I started coming.
So, my point is that I really think that it's dangerous to pressure a person (man or woman) into feeling that one has to come to please the other partner. I sometimes dreaded starting to make love, and would sometimes not be able to even start at all, because I was afraid I wouldn't come.