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Reboot the Love Life - Success Stories

17K views 72 replies 11 participants last post by  Rough Patch Sewing 
#1 ·
I have a dry marriage and I see there are lots of others on these blogs who suffer the same. I don't want to leave my wonderful partner, but I really cannot live another 20 years without a love life. So I need tips - more than ideas, though. I would like people to post success stories here. Give me hope. Give me evidence. Talk about results and how they really happen. Talk about misteps, goals, and accomplishments.

So here is my story, to get us started. I've been married 18 years. The first 5 were fantastic on the intimacy scene. then a series of stressful things happened - a very bad job for me, a promotion for my husband that made his job very busy, a death, a fight with my mother-in-law that caused a bad riff between us. it is not surprising that a bit of distance developed, but then we really never recovered. (my mother and law and I did recover after about 3 yrs - it is all okay now)

Fast forward, 10 years after all that happened. How did we get here? I think he has become convinced that it is my fault - but mostly I find that his timing stinks. I find he never has time. So, (1) I decided I can't take this lack of love life. (2) I have read every blog I can find (we tried counselling and it failed miserably. Neither he nor the counsellor wanted to talk about sex and he thought the whole thing was a huge waste of time). (3) I have been talking it up like fury. "Remember when..." "I sure do miss...." etc. It took quite a while for this to make an impression - I think he was quite skeptical that I was serious.

okay, so that prepared us. Now is just the shaky step to actual action. bodies are not what they used to be, so I bought some lube. (Boy was that embarassing, but actually, they were really, really nice at the sex store). I insisted on meeting him on a business trip (good to be away). Unfortunately he insisted on going out for dinner, even though I had said quite a number of times that I thought it would be good to order dinner in - treat ourselves (wink, wink, nudge-nudge). When we got to the room, finally, at 8:30, he wanted to read the paper. Okay. whatever (really, some people are so dense!). Finally I presented the lube, which surprised him quite a bit! And we sort of went at it. It was awful. Ironically, a couple in the next door room had a very successful romp just at the moment things should have been good for us. You know, ooo-ooo-aah-aaa, thump, thump, groan, oh-oh-aaaayyyh. Hilarious.

So, that is my success story. He got off. I did not. But never mind. We broke a barrier. he now wants to do it again. If we do, that will be the 5th time in 10 years, and 2nd time this year. What next? I really need to improve his technique. Please share your success stories - evidence. not suggestions. How have you restarted your love life? what approaches do you take? where do you look to for advice? how is it different? what do you compromise on? what do you take on as your part in the whole sorry business?

love to hear from you

18 yrs and hoping for 36
 
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#58 ·
Jadegreen,

Just wanted to give you a quick update on a bit of a success that I have had with my wife, Seamstress. Essentially, we have been trying to make opportunities to be intimate together. Yesterday, during the day, we found five minutes to be alone. The daytime is my wife's best time for her to want intimacy with me without me having to get her there emotionally.

Long story short, there were too many things going on and she was too tense for her to have any real enjoyment. We went on a date to Whole Foods (very fancy organic grocery store) to just walk around and have a snack. When we got home, she put the baby to bed and we gave it another try. I had to be assertive and at one point she had lost the drive to continue. I encouraged her that as long as we spend this time together with purpose and passion, then no matter what comes of it, we would be winners for being passionate and purposeful with each other.

Fervent emotional connection and encouragement saw of through to a very satisfying encounter, for both of us. I just wanted to throw out there that speaking to her with assertiveness, while dropping any pressure to perform, while praising our relationship for having both passion and purpose was what is took to galvanize our time together!

I want to encourage you to know that you could do the same to encourage your H, should either you or he get discouraged if the lovemaking is not going as first hoped for.

I hope that all is well and I look forward to hearing from you concerning what ever progress has transpired, no matter how small of a step it may be. Be encouraged! You are doing a FANTASTIC job doing something that is not first nature for you. You are learning, adapting, and doing what it takes to make the marriage what you, and what you feel both of you need it to be!
 
#59 ·
together 36 years and married 34 here. Its all about open communication no holds barred. Each one needs to be willing to give some to satisfy the others needs. I'd dance through the house naked wearing a clown nose and hair with a monkey on my head if it got her off. She is the same way with me. Because we have learned these things our sex life now is way better than it was in our 20's.
 
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#60 ·
Stonewall, I know what you mean. My wife and I are in a tough time in our lives and doing anything and everything for each other makes it so much better. One thing in particular that I am doing for my wife has me ending up with severe neck and back pain, but really, it is worth every ache just to see her happy!

Attitude is everything and the attitude and doing what ever it takes to make the marriage thrive is a daily task that needs to be undertaken. It is one of the central themes in an article that I wrote, called: How to Save a Marriage. The message of "having a willing attitude about making your marriage happy" needs to be broadcast load and clear for as many married people to hear.
 
#61 ·
Jadegreen,

Just wanted to let you know that Seamstress and I are still rooting for you and your progress with your husband. Keep it up! You will get what you are longing for!
 
#63 ·
okay, now I've gone back and read the posts! Sometimes I don't want to, when I don't want to face things. It has been busy.

#1 - this is such a good conversation. Looking at the post on hurt and assertiveness is now making me think about things. I did not have such good sexual experiences early on. They weren't terrible, in the sense of rape, etc., but they weren't loving either. I wonder if I carry this forward. I wonder if my H does.

#2 - I have to go back and start again. We did finish one of the 5 love language books (at least I read it cover to cover), but lately he has been paying me compliments somewhat regularly. It is quite startling to me, which tells me he has not done much of this. He has a quiet kind of irony that is sort of a downer after a while - and although he jokes a lot it is usually at someone's expense - guess who. So when he compliments me it is a surprise.

#3 - I really liked your sharing of the 5 minute afternoon session - and trying again - and doing something easy in between. That is what marriage is like, isn't it? And it reminds me that sometimes even just trying is very loving.

After this week, back to it. We are going off to visit family but we will have some time together.
 
#64 ·
JG, First off, I think that this is the week in which you and your hubby will be "at it again" after returning from visiting family. Seamstress and I are still rooting for you guys

I also wanted to quickly ask a something. When "h" teases is it an endearing remark "in his own mind"? Of course, this is regardless of how you feel about it.

Seamstress has a similar "term of endearment" style of poking fun. After a few years of marriage, I discovered that when she does that, it is one of her ways of being relational. I came to find out that when she was growing up, she was quite the prankster and crank caller. It was fun to her! I realized that she is having fun, albeit at my own expense, but then I guess that it wouldn't be as real from her if she "pulled punches."

I have informed her about my soft spots that are Really touchy for me and now when we talk, if she wants to "go there" she will say in a , "OK, THIS IN NO WAY MEANS THAT YOU ARE A .....," or "OK, THIS IN NO WAY MEANS THAT I EXPECT.... OUT OF YOU B/C OF......" However, my point is this; now that I know her history and personality, whenever she pokes fun at me, I know that it is her way of including me into her fun and love. I cannot expect her to relate to me strictly from my own relationship style and visa verse. The 'Give and Take' goblin strikes again!

To conclude my previous question, could you accurately see his relationship style of poking fun and teasing as a way of love from his perspective? Can that work for even the quiet irony of his method?

Just some food for thought. Of course, it may be quite possible that there is no way to extract endearment from his relationship style, but I am holding out for a possible, "Yes" to my question.

Here's to hoping for the BEST!
 
#65 ·
JG, one more question.

If the circumstances aren't romantic of "as hoped for", can this be overcome in your efforts. I am talking about purposing in your mind that you will "push through" anything that is less than ideal?

In my case. I LOVE it when the lights are on, but Seamstress has to be in the right mood for that! Either way, mostly of our opportunities come when after we have put our baby to bed in the crib, at midnight or "there abouts." Her crib is directly next to our bed. This means that we have to have the lights out.

I look ahead to the good stuff that lies ahead and that helps me to move past my desire for maximum visual enjoyment. That is how it is still everything and more that I want it to be. It is still special to me even if it is not as I would envision. For Seamstress, distractions and tipping off the rest of the people in the house are the issues that she has to get past.

If the mood is killed, can there be contingency "action" made to pick up from where both of you left off and make the magic happen?

If there is a relational or emotional issue that is causing a "log jam" in the plans, then I feel that it is best to take the time to work it out and then go ahead with the rest of the "magic making" night.

OK, I am off of my soap box. I get these thoughts and have to ask. These types of things are tough, even extremely time consuming, but sometimes life has to be taken by the throat with a "teaming up" by the two of you. If you are the only one making these things happen, then I want to keep on encouraging you to "bite the bullet" and push through these trials for the hope of a better tomorrow.

Perhaps, you can do your own self fulfilling prophesy with "H." I bet that if you start acting the part and at least act like you appreciate his sense of humor, make him feel like the "hero of the office" while he is home with you, while making him feel like a super-leader and "stud", then those romantic qualities will emerge in him, much to your satisfaction.

A husband really, if handled properly can become putty in the hands of a skillful wife. Perhaps!

I will write back soon. I hope that this helps.

James.
 
#66 · (Edited)
Hi Jadegreen,

I have a quick question. I am crafting a new article on having a "shared vision" and the benefits something like that in a marriage can bring. The article includes a sign up for a free report called: 7 Secrets to a Happy, Healthy & Fulfilling Relationship. Once I am done with the article I will only be making it (the article) available to my newsletter subscribers (not on the sidebar of my site). Seamstress and I have been so incredibly blessed by our pen pall relationship with you here, that we want to make it available to you and your hubby as well. Just let me know if you would like access to the article (I should be finished soon), and I will give you the link to the it, and subsequently to the report.

So, the quick question is this, "would you and your hubby be interested in getting the backstage pass for the exclusive stuff I am developing, no strings attached? My newsletter subscription comes free with the report. However, if you are too busy to read them now, then you can save them for later.

Again, I know that you are busy, but I also wanted to ketch up with you, with the hopes of finding out if things are doing better for the two of you and if you are feeling better about your efforts!

Still, All the best for you guys!

RP.
 
#67 ·
I thought that I would post a success and not so successful story. I have had a vasectomy just over a month ago and the healing has been very slow. This made things tough for Seamstress and I.

It has made her scarred to be intimate with me for fear of damaging things that are not yet healed. A lot is healed now, but things are still not 100%. So, this has been a challenge. I have to reassure a lot that I am ok. I have to show extra assertiveness or it does not progress to anything more than a message.

Last week all of the planets aligned so to speak and it was wonderful.

However, since then she has not been as interested. A lot is going on right now! Sharing one house with her parents has caused some major things to come to the forefront and she is now looking for work so that we can have our own place and get our finances back in order.

This has made intimacy an uphill battle, simply because we do not have the privacy during the day and she is beat tired at night.

I revert back to my Army sleep schedule of, very little sleep quite easily and can work on the business at night. However, when I do not get enough sleep I am not on not very charming. Not less personable I would have you believe, just not as attractive to her. In any case, intimacy has been something we talk about and, yes, even negotiate. I have to think back to the negotiation skills of which I wrote from the " 50-50 Marriage" article I had researched and formulated. All of this is to have greater success with physical intimacy.

Right now, Seamstress is sleeping and I am still up. As I was working, I thought that I would check in on you to see if you had posted a new update.

I have to admit that I am biting my nails and crossing my fingers as a lot for the two of you. It makes me want to check and share if I have anything worthwhile of which to share!

I guess that in interpersonal relationships the healthy ones are the ones that are struggling. When a dry period occurs and it is tedium as usual, it seems that there needs to be something in particular to be dissatisfied with! When ever Seamstress and I hit plateaus together that is when things are at their worst for us!!!

I am one that takes even household issues, sees them as adventure opportunities. It is something akin to... Oh, I don't know, uhm something like that "Romancing the Stone" movie or some others just like it, in which the guy and the gal are on an adventure and they argue and disagree, but in so doing... Passions flare!!!!

For me it is the perfect set up! I can make choices that make Seamstress feel loved, accepted, secure, and appreciated all amidst a seemingly never ending flood of turmoil and drama. (I am not the antagonizing kind, so maybe Romancing the Stone et. all is not a good choice of example) but...

Is there that kind of opportunity for him to do something loving amidst a tough situation... or,

Could you do that for him amidst a tough situation?

Right now, I am just throwing out ideas.

Maybe it will help, maybe not. It is good for me to write about these things and I hope that it is good for you as well!

P.S.

I do not want to make light of anything that you and your husband are facing together with your pursuit of rekindling the romance within your husband and for your marriage. I just feel comfortable writing what is on my mind here for you!

Here is to your success!

Sincerely,
RP.
 
#68 ·
Just a quick Passion Success Story for ya JG!

I hope all the time that the stories of failure and success help you in your efforts. It is good to know that someone else in this world cares so much about their marriage that they will work so hard and accept even tiny steps. Keep it up JG.

You will have that fully satisfying marriage you seek!

Now to my success story for you.

Seamstress had a great idea to take it easy and take the night off.

She is full swing looking for work and I am full swing trying to make the business work well.

She said, "hey, lets rent a movie and just do a little date instead."

We rented that Matt Damon movie, "The Adjustment Bureau"

It was a bit cerebral, but definitely romantic.

It was fun for me and her and just what she needed to feel romantic.

Everything else is history. No problems!

I hope that me bringing up good movies is a help for you guys,

Till next time.

RP.
 
#69 ·
Hi JG,

I just wanted to send you a quick news update about an article that has a lot of bonus material that you may want to share with your husband if you see this post sometime soon.

I have noticed that across the threads all over the sex health forum for "Talk About Marriage" that many husbands feel like they can't get their wives to want them again. I know that this is not the particular issue in your marriage. However, the tips can help your husband better understand your needs and where you are coming from.

I would hope that something that gets a little into woman's psychology as this article does, may help him to do things that turn you on, rather than the other way around.

When you get an opportunity, check out: How to Make My Wife Want Me.

Please let me know if it is a help to your pursuit of intimacy with H.

Thanks JG
 
#70 ·
It's been ages since I posted here - so after all our correspondence I noticed a lot of people had viewed and I thought I should update.

In summary, last year was a vast improvement over the previous years. I quadrupled our level of activity. HOwever, that is from 1 to 4 times! Still, that is an improvement. Over the horizon I need quality, but right now, quantity is great. We had a lovely time around Christmas when I did as advised and just straightforwardly, calmly, explained some things, showed him with my hand. Light bulbs went on - he was so pleased he declared "I'm going to do this every night!" - a bit much! whew! but enthusiasm died quickly - the next night was busy, so was the next...

Most importantly, though, I learned a lot through talking here. Anx wrote:
"Looking internally and changing yourself is one of the hardest things a person can do. Having the energy to push a LTR out of a rut that you both have dug takes a brand new mindset."

So - I have learned... studied... practiced. I know a lot of things and I'm not so frustrated. I have some control now over unwanted attention - and when I choose not to engage I don't take it so hard (I used to really feel guilty). I have some plans - I think I know what attracts him - maybe I know less about how discouraging I can be.

I do need to start my reboot efforts again - so some serious within-marriage dating is in order as RP suggests, above. I've been working on other things - my own physical fitness, career, etc. After this long with the "out of order" sign on the bedroom wall, weeks of inactivity are the norm. But can't let it stay that way... so back to work now that spring is in the air...

thanks all - I'll post again when I get going. Love is still in the air - just need that foundation activity... :)

JG
 
#71 ·
JG,

I hope that the mixture of technique, assertiveness, and not being nervous about taking h's hand to make him do the right stuff will continue to bring more success for you.

Is there any indication that this season in life for you now may slow down so romance can be more prolific?

On a more personal note, JG, it is good to hear from you on this forum. I hope that you get a lot more time in your life with your husband to pursue romance.

I too took some time off from blogging and visiting TAM. I am now slowing my pace of life down a bit b/c I had a bad accident that cut my knee open. I am in the healing process, but have made more time to rest my wounded knee and write here. I am also learning how to pick up a 3 yr old and a 2 yr old while hopping on one foot. Life can get crazy, but I am glad that both of us are writing on TAM.

Hope to hear more developments from you soon!

RP.
 
#72 ·
Hi JG,

I just added a comment to the site psychology today concerning the connection between great lovemaking and sensual touch at: Advanced Sexual Techniques of World Class Lovers. I do not know if the article and comments could help h with anything that he, in your wifely opinion, could use to gain more confidence and technique mastery.

I thought about sending you more helpful information, and thought what could it hurt?

Thanks,

RP.
 
#73 ·
Hi JG,

I just thought that I would give you props for hanging in there! I thought of how steadfast you have been in contrast to the more pessimistic type women who I am attempting to help in this comment: Comments on "Normal Healthy Couples Have Sexual Desire Problems" | Psychology Today.

Don't worry, I do not talk about you on other forums and websites. To me, that just seems tacky, thoughtless and wrong to do.

I hope that your efforts are very productive and come at just the right time for both of you.

All the best to you, JG.

RP.
 
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