I don't want to have sex with my husband anymore
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 04-11-2011, 01:51 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I don't want to have sex with my husband anymore

I've been struggling with wanting to have sex with my husband for going on 3 yrs now.

We've been married for 6yrs and have 2 small kids

When he wants sex, he just goes for it. And it's usually in the middle of the night when I'm asleep. There is no warming up to the event- just go.

He stopped caring to excite me. He also hasn't worked in nearly a year, gained about 50lbs and does not take care of themself ( brushing teeth, cutting his hair or shaving)

I basically work and take care of the house and kids...I have no energy or interest in making love at all.

He knows he needs to lose weight and better himself but he isn't motivated.
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Old 04-11-2011, 02:02 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to have sex with my husband anymore

It is difficult to have desire for a man who you don't respect.

I just read your other thread, I am sorry for your situation.

A man who is not clean or organized is just not appealing.
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Old 04-11-2011, 06:23 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to have sex with my husband anymore

Eeeew he sounds gross. Move him out. Tell him to come back when he's got it together and cares about you wanting him and your needs too.
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Old 04-11-2011, 06:46 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to have sex with my husband anymore

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Eeeew he sounds gross. Move him out. Tell him to come back when he's got it together and cares about you wanting him and your needs too.
hahahaaa, some men invites rejection by force

He might be depressed. Get him some help to couselor.

Last edited by AniversaryFight; 04-11-2011 at 07:57 AM.
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Old 04-11-2011, 07:39 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to have sex with my husband anymore

If his current standard of hygiene is wildly beneath his former standards, there's a reason. People don't generally stop caring for themselves without an explanation. Could be he's suffering from depression. Same thing goes for his approach to sex. If he always just "went for it" in the middle of the night, then this is the guy you married. If this is a departure from his normal modus operandi, there's a reason. Could be he hits you up for sex when you're at your weakest and most vulnerable because he fears or knows that approaching you at other times won't work. The fact that you say you have no interest in sex makes me suspect this may be the case. A huge part of a man's motivation stems from sex, so if he's been systematically rejected, he might feel there's little reason to make himself attractive.
I think the solution is to change this cycle. Toss him a bone. Before going to bed, smooch on him a little, tell him if he hops in the shower and brushes, he's gonna get something great and then follow through. Reward the behavior you want. When he wakes you for sex, tell him you're not a machine and go back to sleep. Don't reward undesirable behavior. Sane people don't persist in a course of conduct without receiving some pay-off.
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Old 04-11-2011, 07:48 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to have sex with my husband anymore

depression plays a big part in it. He used to care for himself when he worked. I have begged him to get a job and explained that I think it would help his depression. But he just flat out tells me no.
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Old 04-11-2011, 07:51 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to have sex with my husband anymore

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Originally Posted by greenpearl View Post
It is difficult to have desire for a man who you don't respect.
greenpearl, this is a excellent way to look at things, and I wonder if that might be a big part of the reason why some people do not want to have sex with their partner. Lack of respect. It actually would make a great thread starter.

To the OP, it sounds like he might be suffering from some kind of depression, with being out of work and not taking care of himself etc. Of course obviously not to depressed to not want to have sex. Anyway, his emotions and motivation seem to be off, have you asked him to see a counselor?
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Old 04-11-2011, 07:58 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to have sex with my husband anymore

If you pay the bills and control your accounts, you could tell him that because of finances, you have to cut back on some expenses... Like high speed internet and cable TV...

You've got three different threads, all kind of related, but different pieces of information in each one. You might get more informed information by combining them together. Not complaining, just trying to help. Has he actually moved out, or not?

I don't know what the best way to help someone with their depression, and it seems that's what's hitting your husband. Have you told him that you've lost attraction for him? Do you still have sex with him anyway?

C
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Old 04-11-2011, 08:28 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to have sex with my husband anymore

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greenpearl, this is a excellent way to look at things, and I wonder if that might be a big part of the reason why some people do not want to have sex with their partner. Lack of respect. It actually would make a great thread starter.

To the OP, it sounds like he might be suffering from some kind of depression, with being out of work and not taking care of himself etc. Of course obviously not to depressed to not want to have sex. Anyway, his emotions and motivation seem to be off, have you asked him to see a counselor?
Getting any help costs money and thats something we don't have. We have used everything we have to keep our heads above water and we've run out. I can't find free counseling. It's all 120+ for 50 mintue sessions. I'm desperate...we need it
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Old 04-11-2011, 08:30 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to have sex with my husband anymore

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If you pay the bills and control your accounts, you could tell him that because of finances, you have to cut back on some expenses... Like high speed internet and cable TV...

You've got three different threads, all kind of related, but different pieces of information in each one. You might get more informed information by combining them together. Not complaining, just trying to help. Has he actually moved out, or not?

I don't know what the best way to help someone with their depression, and it seems that's what's hitting your husband. Have you told him that you've lost attraction for him? Do you still have sex with him anyway?

C
I have told him that hes depressed and not taking care of himself, that I'm losing attraction and he just takes it and does nothing to help himself. He moved out angry at me. He says he can't live with someone that doesn't respect him.

But he's not really giving me anything to respect.
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Old 04-11-2011, 08:35 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to have sex with my husband anymore

Does insurance not cover some of the costs for it?

Anyway, he will first need to acknowledge theres a problem and want to get help anyway. Until then, theres not much you can do.

He is telling you he doesn't want to live with someone who doesn't respect him, basically means he doesn't respect himself. He is going to throw stuff off on you, because he doesn't see where he is at fault for anything right now. That's usually the way it works for someone who doesn't want to get help or doesn't see there is a problem.
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Old 04-11-2011, 08:58 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to have sex with my husband anymore

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I have told him that hes depressed and not taking care of himself, that I'm losing attraction and he just takes it and does nothing to help himself. He moved out angry at me. He says he can't live with someone that doesn't respect him.

But he's not really giving me anything to respect.
I can't argue with you on that (that he's not giving you anything to respect). So how is he supporting himself if he's moved out and doesn't have a job? I know this is off topic for the "Sex In Marriage" forum, but I'd likely let him deal with things on his own, and you concentrate on yourself and the kids. Let him realize that he needs to make some changes, as he's the only one that can decide to change himself.

C
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Old 04-11-2011, 09:12 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to have sex with my husband anymore

[QUOTE=trey69;294078]greenpearl, this is a excellent way to look at things, and I wonder if that might be a big part of the reason why some people do not want to have sex with their partner. Lack of respect. It actually would make a great thread starter.

/QUOTE]

So let's start a thread related to the reasons why women lose their respect towards their men!
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Old 04-11-2011, 09:13 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to have sex with my husband anymore

[QUOTE=greenpearl;294127]
Quote:
Originally Posted by trey69 View Post
greenpearl, this is a excellent way to look at things, and I wonder if that might be a big part of the reason why some people do not want to have sex with their partner. Lack of respect. It actually would make a great thread starter.

/QUOTE]

So let's start a thread related to the reasons why women lose their respect towards their men!
Ok, ready, set, go!
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Old 04-11-2011, 09:16 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to have sex with my husband anymore

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Does insurance not cover some of the costs for it?

Anyway, he will first need to acknowledge theres a problem and want to get help anyway. Until then, theres not much you can do.

He is telling you he doesn't want to live with someone who doesn't respect him, basically means he doesn't respect himself. He is going to throw stuff off on you, because he doesn't see where he is at fault for anything right now. That's usually the way it works for someone who doesn't want to get help or doesn't see there is a problem.
My job is part time, doesn't offer insurance. When he lost his job he lost the families insurance.
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