Just Not Interested...
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 04-11-2011, 05:13 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Exclamation Just Not Interested...

Sex...why does everyone say its necessary to maintain your marriage? For him to stick around maybe, but for me, its not fun, doesn't feel good (doesn't hurt either), I feel like I'm being used because I'm not benefiting from it. The only time I can have the feeling to want to is when I am drinking, but I don't like to drink a lot, and would rather not harm my body just to satisfy my husbands "needs". What about my needs? I don't want to do it, so why should I have to? This subject causes a lot of anger in our marriage. He wants to feel good, but I donít feel like being used, and I donít get anything in return. I have a lot more to say on this, but I have to go. Please help!
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Old 04-11-2011, 05:32 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just Not Interested...

Why do you put "needs" in quotes?
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Old 04-11-2011, 05:36 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just Not Interested...

What are your needs? What do you want from a marriage?

Intimacy in a marriage is very important. It's supposed to draw you and your husband closer. If you are not interested, you are robbing yourself and your husband of that intimacy. If you don't want him to stick around, then by all means, stay uninterested, and turn him down every time he shows interest. If he asks what's wrong, just say "I don't know".

He will begin to feel rejected and angry. He may stop initiating since you keep shooting him down.

Is this what you want?
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Old 04-11-2011, 05:52 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just Not Interested...

If you're not going to meet his intimacy needs, you run the risk of him looking elsewhere for that. I'm not saying that's justification for his decisions, but simply warning you.

Why do you only have the "feeling you want" when you drink? Do you have trouble letting yourself go to enjoy sex? Perhaps some counselling is in order? Are you on birth control pills? How old are you? Do you orgasm when you have sex? All the time?

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Old 04-11-2011, 05:56 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just Not Interested...

tell him its ok with you that he find sexual satisfaction elsewhere, that should take of your issues
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Old 04-11-2011, 06:00 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just Not Interested...

pure selfishness to not be willing to give something to the relationship unless you get something in return. besides taking its also about giving. but dont cry when he DOES go elsewhere for it.
as stated above, its not justification, just a reality.
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Old 04-11-2011, 07:47 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Wow is this post for real? Marriage is a two way street, it should be a race for second place. You should be meeting each others needs without the hope of getting anything in return. If he isn't meeting your needs but you are giving yourself fully, then you need to sit him down and tell him.

Otherwise it doesn't sound like you are cut out for marriage.
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Old 04-11-2011, 07:52 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just Not Interested...

Obviously if it only feels good when you have been drinking, it can feel good and you may have some issues you need to address. You also may need to relax about sex and do some masturbating by yourself and find out what feels best to you.

Sex is a very important part of a relationship and goes hand in hand with emotional intimacy if one of the ingredients is missing then I don't think your marriage will fair well.
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Old 04-11-2011, 08:08 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just Not Interested...

Quote:
Originally Posted by TaintedLove View Post
He wants to feel good, but I donít feel like being used, and I donít get anything in return.
Have you communicated to him that you need something in return?
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Old 04-11-2011, 08:11 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just Not Interested...

Why did you get married? What did you think marriage was? Just to have a companion? Someone to talk to? What? Did your husband know you felt this way before you agreed to get married? "Oh honey I hate sex so don't plan on getting any".

I don't see this ending well. If you think sex is "harming your body" you have issues that I'm sure can't be solved on this board.
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Old 04-11-2011, 08:13 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by magnoliagal View Post

I don't see this ending well. If you think sex is "harming your body" you have issues that I'm sure can't be solved on this board.
I think she was referring to the fact that she "has to drink" in order to have sex...the drinking is harmful...
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Old 04-11-2011, 08:47 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I think she was referring to the fact that she "has to drink" in order to have sex...the drinking is harmful...
Oh got it. I'm so tired that I misread it.

To the OP have you considered counseling to figure out why you can't enjoy sex unless you are drinking? Drinking to me implies numbing or an artificial way to relax. Has it always been this way or only with your husband?
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Old 04-12-2011, 12:19 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Would you be willing to answer some questions to provide details that may help get at the problem? I think you came to ask the question because you are not sure that your thinking is quite right. You may get some criticism but take it stride there are many men suffering the misery of a marriage in which his wife expresses what you are expressing. So they read what you write here and they can not be in any way sympathetic. But I think there are some women who can at lest help you to realize what you are doing to the man who is your husband.

Did you at any time enjoy sex with him when not drinking; does he touch you in was that you need to be touched; do you orgasm; do you love your husband? What does loving him mean to you? You said he want to feel good what did you mean, ho does he express the need for sex and how do you interpret what he means.

Can I ask if you were aware that when a man a good man falls in love, he maintains the emotional connection with his wife through having sex with her? It is the result of a brain chemical that floods the brain after sex and causes bonding to the partner. Sometimes sex is just to get off for men but when they select a woman and fall in love and to commit they maintain the love and connection through regular sex. Men whose wives refuse sex, get depresses, feel unloved loved and are convinced their wives do not love them.

This is how it is. Every single study on men and sexuality confirms this and men themselves express despair when their wives reject them. You can read post on this forum from men who express this despair. If you accept and understand that this is true, how do you feel about sex with your husband. What do think you husband should do if he is in emotional distress about you decision that you don't want to have sex? Would you consider letting him go so he can find a women to love and connect with him so he is not distressed. You certainly have a right not to have sex with your husband but your husband will not be the only one to suffer the consequences of your decision. You will too, your husband can cheat, he may leave you for another woman who he bonds with, he may just decide to divorce you to seek out a new love or he may withdraw and do nothing for you. I am certain you will understand if these things happen after all you can see that you can make a decision so you realize he can do the same.

A man's "needs" seems to have taken on a sinister connotation, I suspect it is because pop culture presents an ugly side of male sexuality. What does a man sexual needs mean to you. This ugliness is as bad as the objectification of women my pop culture. Neither is fair. Men are so human, it's a pity that some are treated so badly. Good men have the same feelings we women do, did you know that?

Will you carefully consider and answer back. I won't go through my story but, believe me I understand your lack of understanding.
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Old 04-12-2011, 12:38 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just Not Interested...

Then don't have sex.. I would also start looking for a lawyer..

Then try to find a man with no sex drive or live alone..
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Old 04-12-2011, 02:26 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just Not Interested...

My wife simply isnt interested in sex, nor is she interested in my needs, desires, wants etc.

I can confirm that it leads to resentment, bitterness, lack of respect and a greater likelihood of the husband seeking sexual gratification elsewhere.

So, Tainted Love, as many other people here have said....sex is a very important part of marriage. If both you and your husband are perfectly happy living in a sexless marriage then good for you. However if he has even a normal sex drive and you aren't interested then don't be surprised or hurt, or blame him if he is unfaithful or seeks a divorce.

On your head be it. Sorry, but thats the truth of the matter.
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