Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Re: What should I expect for a sex life in marriage?
Let me throw something out there. Does your wife have any self-image issues that you are aware of. If a woman does not FEEL sexy, she's less interested in sex. So it may not be you at all but her. Doesn't matter if she's pretty or sexy, does she THINK she is?
From a woman's POV, feeling sexy herself is half of it. Also (sorry guys...I've heard the joke what kind of food lowers a woman's sex drive...wedding cake..ain't true!). Its just that if its routine and boring its not just her fault. I'll admit, our sex life got routine, yeah even boring. All my fault? No, you know he was kinda boring too. My husband is definately something to look at but heck it was the same thing every time. My fault too, I got comfortable and it was more routine and dropped off to once a week or sometimes we went 2 weeks.
Long story about what happened but basically it took something pretty drastic for us to realize we have something amazing. Also I realized it was ok for me to take time to focus on me rather than always work or run the carpool. I got up early, stayed awake late to work out. I got more confidence in myself which gave me more sex drive. My own confidence was a turn on to him and feeling confidant I tried something with him a little bit adventurous. He reacted by doing the same in return and from there it just got better.
So change it up a little bit and do something very different even wild. If sex is routine you stick it on the schedule. If sex is inventive, spontaneous, and interesting then its something you want to do all the time. This changed everything for us, and now we are 5-6 times a week.
Assuming there is nothing physically wrong (lower sex drive is a hormonal imbalance and nothing you can do is going to change that it needs to be treated) or emotionally, then this may be the issue. It sounds like the two of you connect emotionally so maybe give this a shot.
Re: What should I expect for a sex life in marriage?
Do you have kids?
Some people just have really low sex drives. That doesn't mean she doesn't find you hot, that she doesn't love you, or any of the worst case scenarios presented here. It sucks for you sure! but unless there are other things really wrong in your marriage I would put it down to a low sex drive.
I just suggest that she goes to the doctors, they may be able to help.
Re: What should I expect for a sex life in marriage?
Mrs. B. I have to beg to differ.
What my research shows, is that most women who go off sex, actually go of their specific man. Of course the is usually against a background of nappies, stress, and reduced sleep - so sex drive may well be reduced as well. However, when such a woman meets a fancy-man -in say- a work situation, the same woman's arousal levels can go off the scale, at the thought of sex with a stranger, and the escapism that comes with it.
Yet many women go through the charade of getting their hormone levels checked, and the tests often come back normal. Unfortunately it is convenient for the medical establishment to say that a lowering of sex drive in women is quite normal in these situations, which masks the fact that monogamy is difficult. I would even go as far as saying that monogamy is harder for women than it is for men, but men tend to be in a position to act on the impulse to cheat more due to being out of the house "legitimately" more often than the female. (On average). Also, the woman will think about the consequences of her actions, more than the male, who wants instant solutions to his urges.
Re: What should I expect for a sex life in marriage?
Do you have any links to you research, Mark?
I gathered that the sex life wasn't great and slowly got less. Well, in most relationships, over time, that happens. As a Woman I can tell you that I have had periods of low sex drive that had nothing to do with my husband.
There could be many reasons for her lack of wanting sex. Is he meeting her emotional needs? does she have low self esteem? etc. etc. There could be so many factors involved that I am reluctant to jump to the worst case scenarios. She doesn't sound like a woman who has suddnely lost her sex drive, it seems to be an issue she has had all along.
Re: What should I expect for a sex life in marriage?
Mrs B... (love the name by the way)
The research is mine! I am writing a book about mismatched sex drives. Without wanting to pick on you, I bet if you gave me an example of when your drive last went on a downward spiral, I could show you a dimension you had not thought of.
However, I do accept that women's duties take a special toll on their sex drives. Unfortunately whereas men use sex as a stress buster, women allow stress to put them off sex.
Re: What should I expect for a sex life in marriage?
MT,
We also don't have this external force of nature on our bodies constantly reminding us of our sexual needs...ours is neatly tucked away...out of sight out of mind?
Re: What should I expect for a sex life in marriage?
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkTwain
Mrs. B. I have to beg to differ.
What my research shows, is that most women who go off sex, actually go of their specific man. Of course the is usually against a background of nappies, stress, and reduced sleep - so sex drive may well be reduced as well. However, when such a woman meets a fancy-man -in say- a work situation, the same woman's arousal levels can go off the scale, at the thought of sex with a stranger, and the escapism that comes with it.
Yet many women go through the charade of getting their hormone levels checked, and the tests often come back normal. Unfortunately it is convenient for the medical establishment to say that a lowering of sex drive in women is quite normal in these situations, which masks the fact that monogamy is difficult. I would even go as far as saying that monogamy is harder for women than it is for men, but men tend to be in a position to act on the impulse to cheat more due to being out of the house "legitimately" more often than the female. (On average). Also, the woman will think about the consequences of her actions, more than the male, who wants instant solutions to his urges.
I am interested to hear more about what research you have done, and if you have anything written on this. My wife's tastes in men, what she likes in bed, and outlook on sex has changed completely over the last few years. She has a hard time opening up about this issue, and I would love to be able to read some about what you have gathered.
Re: What should I expect for a sex life in marriage?
Quote:
Originally Posted by swedish
Yes. Say I have this err, friend, and she is in this spot in her life...NOW...and she wants to prolong this as long as possible, any advice?
If you could squeeze a little more detail out of your "friend" I would be able to give more carefully targeted advice. However, the simple answer is, the more she has sex, the more she will want it, and the more likely it is that the hormones in play will be replaced. If she is of the "slightly over 40" variety, then she should not feel in the least bit guilty about enlisting the help of such things as KY jelly, this will make it possible to have sex non stop if required.
If she really wants to PARTY, she should get her man to practice semen retention, but alas I doubt she could handle the consequences.
Re: What should I expect for a sex life in marriage?
Wow, how does this happen? One guy complains his wife doesn't want sex, one gal fusses her husband is always "tired"... How do we end up with the wrong people? Or is it just that our timing is off? We are supposed to be married for half a century or so. In 50 years, I'm sure we sync and unsync many times over.
Unless she is unkind to you the rest of the day, just bear with her for a while on this. It couldn't have been too important to you, you married her anyway. I've never denied my husband (because I don't think that's very nice), but both of our appetites have changed a lot over the past 25 years-sometimes they sync, sometimes not.
Re: What should I expect for a sex life in marriage?
MT,
She is quite happy the way things are now so not looking for any drastic change in course and agrees that yes, the frequency seems to be in line with the desire. And she's not willing to give details
Re: What should I expect for a sex life in marriage?
swedish-
Well to keep to your nautical theme... If she wants to keep things "steady as she goes", then she needs to take on plenty of supplies so that she can weather the occasional storms that might assail her passage. UhOh - I think the metaphor went too far
So the real secret that Zaneblue taught me was fish oil. Not your cheap stuff but the high quality stuff that has 50% of it's weight as EPA DHA. i.e. If you get a 1000mg capsule, then if you add the EPA and DHA figures together, they should come out at about 500mg or more.
Re: What should I expect for a sex life in marriage? 
