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Old 04-14-2011, 07:07 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: cannot seem to meet my husband's demands.

LOLMA,
If I were him - THIS would work with me:


Wife: Husband, it is not healthy for our marriage to fight about sex. I want to work towards a compromise that we can both feel ok about.

First let me start with the most important stuff.
- We both know I want sex less often than you do. This is normal in most marriages and is amplified by the ages of our children and the demands they place on me.
- The good news: I love you enough to be willing to have sex with you, even when I am not in the mood.
- The bad news: I am beginning to resent the fact that you don't realize how much effort it takes to have sex when you really don't want to. Trust me, I feel as bad when you insist, as you do when I reject.

I want us to agree on a schedule that we both promise to stick to as a show of love and commitment for each other. Before we do that I need to know something. Are you willing to make the effort to do some things that will give me more sleep AND more "down time" while I am awake?

Husband: Like what
Wife: X nights a week I want you to take care of the kids for Y hours when you get home. On weekend nights - if they cry I want you to get them. On at least one weekend morning I want you to get up with them.
Husband: .....

If that is agreeable I am totally on board with having sex M nights a week. You get to pick 2 of them and I get to pick M-2 of them.

With that said - BE FAIR. What I mean by that is simple. Kids nap. Front packs allow you to clean up the house with a baby safely in your pouch. Don't start piling house work on a man who is already working a long day job. I have worked a hard job and I have done the house husband thing. If you treat the housework like a job and are clever about how you manage the kids and the house, you can create a situation where when he gets home he can focus on the kids, and you can have a real break.

As for the "nuclear option" which is getting angry and shutting sex down. Some guys will quietly tolerate it. Others will have an affair. And others will check out emotionally and then end the marriage.

In addition to the stuff above - and in a separate conversation - you will help the marriage by having an honest conversation with him about what he does that turns you on, and turns you off. And that needs to be stuff that happens inside and outside the bedroom. Whatever it is, be tactful but honest about it.

For example: Darling, it really doesn't help our sex life when you fart at the dinner table. Or, I love you touching me when your finger nails are short and your hands are clean. Or - when you come home in a bad mood - or don't act happy to see me when you walk in the door it does not set a good tone for a romantic night. Or - when you get angry at a 2 year old for normal 2 year old behavior - I resent you - and resentment spills onto the mattress.....


Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602 View Post
Her husband's not lucky he is stupid and self-centered. His gravy train is about to come to a screeching halt because he is greedy and does not appreciate what he has. Any man who ask an exhausted wife to sacrifice to service him is a fool. How long does he think it will take for his exhausted wife and mother to his two small children to wake's up and realizes that she is doing the heavy lifting and she decides to resign as a servant to his penis and just take care of the kids. It happens to many men who make the same mistake in the early years.

Your husband seems to think that a wife should service her husband sexually, what do you think? I think that a man who has a wife with two very small children should be sacrificing for her by caring for her and helping her take care of her and their children.

That's what a mature man who can see past him self would do. It sounds like your husband does not appreciate you or what you are doing for him. He takes you for granted because you let him. What is HE doing in the way of sacrifices? Are you the only one doing all of the giving - you gave the two kids, you are mainly responsible for that exhausting task, up at not sleep deprived, is your husband has exhausted as you? You should be sharing the load, with your husband so that you are not so sleep deprived.

Demands for sex and sacrifice is ridiculous from a wife and the mother of his two kids id disgusting really. He sounds like a selfish teenage boy not a man. Stop acting like a victim and tell your husband he will needs to make sacrifices, too. You made yours by having two kids in short order and you are being a good mother to them. What is he doing besides demanding his wife service him. Tell him that of all of the things you both need to do to keep up with your responsibilities, his penis is not the most important.

You sound as if you are trying very hard to make everyone happy and running yourself into the ground. You are living through a very difficult period in your married life, having kids changes things drastically for women. Some men don't want to mature and step up to the plate and be a father of two kids and the husband of a very exhausted wife. If this is your husband then you have to tell him what you need for him to do.

Right now you are doing anything he wants without regard to you justified anger and resentment. Marriage is both tacking care of each other, he takes care of you as best he can and you do the same. Expecting sex everyday and bj is pure selfishness he doing that because you let him.


It is vital that you sit with your husband and decide a frequency that you can manage for now along with every thing else. Many selfish men don't realize that by being selfish and demanding sexually may work for a short time in the honey moon period the first 2 - 4 yrs of marriage.

You want to please him but if he is taking too much and giving nothing back then you will run out of steam and stop wanting to please him. If he keeps this up you will begin to ignore his needs the way he is ignoring yours. That's why it is vital to stop because when you shut down on a sexually it is hard to start back up.

It is up to you to set boundaries, you know how you feel and you don't want to get to the point that you avoid having sex with him. that is where you are headed now. You have to set the boundaries or you are going to shut him out sexually if you build up enough anger and resentment.
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Old 04-14-2011, 07:18 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: cannot seem to meet my husband's demands.

Excellent compromise, MEM
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Old 04-14-2011, 07:24 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by grainybrainy View Post
Obviously, Catharine602 is speaking from experience, and you are a man! :-) and for already repeated reasons I feel this husband in discussion is being a little bit self centered. Raising two small kids is not a joke. Let him try pushing two footballs out of his Penis and then raise them to adulthood while giving Bjs to his wife everyday of the week. APart from cooking, cleaning, working a full time job etc.

The sad part about marriage is women do mature fast and step up to their responsibilities, but not always so in the case of men. Some are lucky to find those gems. I'll know what mine turns out like when I have kids :-)
I'm pretty sure Mrs.G is not a man.

And I don't know that the husband is being selfish. He's not happy about getting half as much sex as he's used to getting. That's understandable. I disagree with Catharine that there is a universal standard of once a week and we can all agree that anyone who wants more than that is a selfish jerk.

The OP did not say she is working a full time job. The post stated that the husband worked late, so it's possible the OP is a stay-at-home mom and the husband is supporting the family. I won't assume either case.

I only hope the OP will take the reasonable advice of talking to her husband honestly and respectfully and ignore the advice to turn into a screeching banshee insisting that his needs are her lowest priority.
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Old 04-14-2011, 07:29 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: cannot seem to meet my husband's demands.

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I only hope the OP will take the reasonable advice of talking to her husband honestly and respectfully and ignore the advice to turn into a screeching banshee insisting that his needs are her lowest priority.
I don't believe that was the advice given. She is getting burnt out meeting his needs because her own needs are not being met. That is the concern.
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Old 04-14-2011, 07:37 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: cannot seem to meet my husband's demands.

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Originally Posted by PHTlump View Post
I'm pretty sure Mrs.G is not a man.

And I don't know that the husband is being selfish. He's not happy about getting half as much sex as he's used to getting. That's understandable. I disagree with Catharine that there is a universal standard of once a week and we can all agree that anyone who wants more than that is a selfish jerk.

The OP did not say she is working a full time job. The post stated that the husband worked late, so it's possible the OP is a stay-at-home mom and the husband is supporting the family. I won't assume either case.

I only hope the OP will take the reasonable advice of talking to her husband honestly and respectfully and ignore the advice to turn into a screeching banshee insisting that his needs are her lowest priority.
Pardon me but it said she has two kids under two years of age. She is working a full time job regardless if it is inside or outside the home. Husband supporting the family? She is supporting it just as much.
It's also pretty jerky the way he approaches it. Granted we are only hearing her side of things. I can tell you that him putting the moves on her when she is sleeping leaves a really bad taste in my mouth. His needs above all.

Last edited by Therealbrighteyes; 04-14-2011 at 07:46 PM.
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Old 04-14-2011, 07:57 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Pardon me but it said she has two kids under two years of age. She is working a full time job regardless if it is inside or outside the home. Husband supporting the family? She is supporting it just as much.
Pedantry aside, keeping house without an outside job is much easier than keeping house after getting home at 6pm. The OP never said which situation she had.
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Originally Posted by Brennan View Post
It's also pretty jerky the way he approaches it. Granted we are only hearing her side of things. I can tell you that him putting the moves on her when she is sleeping leaves a really bad taste in my mouth. His needs above all.
The OP stated that her husband works late most nights. So, if he's getting home when she's going to sleep, you believe that he should spend all his time at work or asleep and very little with his wife? She also said that he's trying to back off not requesting daily sex, even though he has a high drive. Yeah, sounds like a real jerk to me.
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Old 04-14-2011, 08:02 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: cannot seem to meet my husband's demands.

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I can tell you that him putting the moves on her when she is sleeping leaves a really bad taste in my mouth. His needs above all.
That really bothered me too. Sleep is *essential* when you have children that age. Waking up an exhausted mom for sex is, IMO, the equivalent of asking her to skip dinner and have sex instead. Seriously? Who needs food or sleep anyway, right? That's not at all selfish...

But, as you said, we've only heard one side of the story.
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Old 04-14-2011, 08:07 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: cannot seem to meet my husband's demands.

MEM you are so mature, I'm not obviously. Where were you when I needed this advice.

This touched a nerve I was where this lady is when I had babies and it was the worst years of my life. I can't remember much except that no one was happy with anything I did because it never seemed to be enough. The sleep deprivation made me feel like I was underwater all the time. My husband did not help. We had sex as often as he wanted, it never occurred to me to deny him sex even while he did not help me. This went on until I hit a wall and one day suddenly did not want him to touch me. That was the beginning of the almost end. We have recovered thank goodness. But I don't like to think of those yrs. They were hellish for me.

I think what is happening in this situation is that this lady is trying to meet her husbands sexual demands and meet the demands of a mother of two kids. There is just so much of her to go around, the kids are helpless so both parents need to work together to shoulder the extra burden. Sex generally suffers for both. A high sex drive man an an exhausted wife is a difficult combination and it takes effort and compromise, never sacrifice, of both people to make it work. It is unwise to equate sex with sacrifice that is a set up for deserter. It is loving, fun, tender, raunchy, bawdy, nasty, hot but sacrifice no way. She now associates sex with this man with doing something for his benefit where she not only gets nothing but she suffers in the giving. That what sacrifice means.
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Old 04-14-2011, 08:09 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: cannot seem to meet my husband's demands.

In my opinion, the husband has been inconsiderate of the wife's situation.

Having sex three or four times a week is already a very healthy number.

Asking for more and ignoring the wife's physical situation is very unloving!

A man has to be loving and caring to his wife, then his wife is more willing to meet his needs. If a man doesn't show sympathy and consideration to the wife, stay there pouting and whining, he is no different from a woman who whines that she doesn't get another brand name purse!
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Old 04-14-2011, 08:19 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by PHTlump View Post
I'm pretty sure Mrs.G is not a man.

And I don't know that the husband is being selfish. He's not happy about getting half as much sex as he's used to getting. That's understandable. I disagree with Catharine that there is a universal standard of once a week and we can all agree that anyone who wants more than that is a selfish jerk.

The OP did not say she is working a full time job. The post stated that the husband worked late, so it's possible the OP is a stay-at-home mom and the husband is supporting the family. I won't assume either case.

I only hope the OP will take the reasonable advice of talking to her husband honestly and respectfully and ignore the advice to turn into a screeching banshee insisting that his needs are her lowest priority.
Your post is so telling. Screeching banshee? Who here told her to be this and that his needs are her lowest priority. It sounds to me like her needs are HIS lowest priority.
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Old 04-14-2011, 08:24 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: cannot seem to meet my husband's demands.

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In my opinion, the husband has been inconsiderate of the wife's situation.

Having sex three or four times a week is already a very healthy number.

Asking for more and ignoring the wife's physical situation is very unloving!

A man has to be loving and caring to his wife, then his wife is more willing to meet his needs. If a man doesn't show sympathy and consideration to the wife, stay there pouting and whining, he is no different from a woman who whines that she doesn't get another brand name purse!
Word, GP!!

Actually, he becomes no different than the small children she already has.
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Old 04-14-2011, 10:22 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: cannot seem to meet my husband's demands.

Thanks for all your responses. MEM - thanks for the detailed example lol!

My husband is very loving and caring, and he does help when he can (but he is working all the time so I do not expect it).

I'm a SAHM for some of you who are interested to know, although I do not find this information relevant to the situation.

We are very honest with each other, and we have talked about this several times when similar situation occurs (he wants sex, me not so much). We are already both compromising - he's not asking me every time he wants it, and I'm trying to satisfy him every time he asks. Last time we had an argument and he said that if he's already not asking every time he wants it , and I'm only saying yes here and there, that means he's really not getting even half of what he wants. Anyway, I do believe satisfying the husband is a wife's duty. After all, where else is he going to get what he wants? Yes sometimes it's steaming hot sex, but sometimes it's just obligatory.


I guess I'll just make it a rule to not bother me when I'm sleeping....he works late but usually he is at home working at that time. It usually goes like this....he's working, I'm doing whatever and is ready to go to bed and I tell him I'm going to bed, then he comes in and wants something.

Well I still haven't talked to him all day. I think he's either really busy at work or avoiding me because we had an episode last night.
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Old 04-14-2011, 10:37 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by lolma View Post
Thanks for all your responses. MEM - thanks for the detailed example lol!

My husband is very loving and caring, and he does help when he can (but he is working all the time so I do not expect it).

I'm a SAHM for some of you who are interested to know, although I do not find this information relevant to the situation.

We are very honest with each other, and we have talked about this several times when similar situation occurs (he wants sex, me not so much). We are already both compromising - he's not asking me every time he wants it, and I'm trying to satisfy him every time he asks. Last time we had an argument and he said that if he's already not asking every time he wants it , and I'm only saying yes here and there, that means he's really not getting even half of what he wants. Anyway, I do believe satisfying the husband is a wife's duty. After all, where else is he going to get what he wants? Yes sometimes it's steaming hot sex, but sometimes it's just obligatory.


I guess I'll just make it a rule to not bother me when I'm sleeping....he works late but usually he is at home working at that time. It usually goes like this....he's working, I'm doing whatever and is ready to go to bed and I tell him I'm going to bed, then he comes in and wants something.

Well I still haven't talked to him all day. I think he's either really busy at work or avoiding me because we had an episode last night.
Lolma,

It is important for us wives to satisfy our husbands' needs.

You understand it is very important for you to make your husband happy, it is wonderful of you!

Talk to him about how you feel, next time ask him to have sex with you when you are not tired. We don't have to have sex at a certain time, we can have sex at any time when the situation is good for us!

My husband likes quickies, it only takes me a few minutes to satisfy him, I give it to him at any time he wants, sometimes even during my sleep! After he is relieved, I go back to sleep again. But I don't look after babies, I can understand looking after babies is tiring, and good sleep is important for a mom! Just help your husband understand it! And let him know you are more than willing to make him happy!

Last edited by greenpearl; 04-14-2011 at 10:42 PM.
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Old 04-14-2011, 10:49 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: cannot seem to meet my husband's demands.

As far as the confliction with time goes...since he works late, does he also go into work later in the day? Do mornings ever work out for you two to have some together time? Morning cartoons for the kiddos can be a godsend
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Old 04-14-2011, 11:05 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: cannot seem to meet my husband's demands.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lolma View Post
Thanks for all your responses. MEM - thanks for the detailed example lol!

My husband is very loving and caring, and he does help when he can (but he is working all the time so I do not expect it).

I'm a SAHM for some of you who are interested to know, although I do not find this information relevant to the situation.

We are very honest with each other, and we have talked about this several times when similar situation occurs (he wants sex, me not so much). We are already both compromising - he's not asking me every time he wants it, and I'm trying to satisfy him every time he asks. Last time we had an argument and he said that if he's already not asking every time he wants it , and I'm only saying yes here and there, that means he's really not getting even half of what he wants. Anyway, I do believe satisfying the husband is a wife's duty. After all, where else is he going to get what he wants? Yes sometimes it's steaming hot sex, but sometimes it's just obligatory.


I guess I'll just make it a rule to not bother me when I'm sleeping....he works late but usually he is at home working at that time. It usually goes like this....he's working, I'm doing whatever and is ready to go to bed and I tell him I'm going to bed, then he comes in and wants something.

Well I still haven't talked to him all day. I think he's either really busy at work or avoiding me because we had an episode last night.
Um, when is he satisfying you? I don't see that here at all. He works and comes home. Works more from home. Ignores you and then wants sex. Really? Hasn't talked to you at all today. He doesn't sound very loving and caring to me, not in the least.
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