Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I know it sounds terribly unromantic but routine is a big factor in our sex life. Pretty early on in our relationship we got into the habit of sex pretty much every night we were together which carried over when we got married.
Sunday afternoon about 2 we'll always go to bed, I'll actually head there automatically before hubby gets home. The same when hubby goes away on a trip we'll usually go to bed for a little while after hubby's packed. These are kind of little rules we made early on that really help our sex life.
I think it will be hard to find a good middle ground between playing chase and leaving her to hang out with others but I think both suggestions have good potential for invoking some emotion in her that I will be able to physically see (like a small argument) so that I at least know that she is concerned.
You need to learn the game. Time for research. There are probably a half-dozen books on chasing tail available at your local bookseller. Chasing does not mean smothering. It means piquing her interest and getting her into you and then disappearing so she can have plenty of time to look forward to the next contact. By limiting contact. You can reform her thinking of you from mundane to extraordinary.
For example, after you've finished helping around the house, go running at night so your away from her. Don't invite her out with friends invite her on a real date. Make it unbelievable. Plan everything meticulously and have several backup alternatives based on your sense of her mood.
How awesome would she feel if after some amazing ****tails and appetizers, you took her on a night-time hike by an overgrown lake and just happened to find little gifts for her along the way that led all the way down the trail to a midnight uber-fancy champagne and chocolate covered ginger picknick, and maybe some almond-scented foor lotion for you to rub her feet while you talked and looked at the stars.
After that you might just happen to have towels to go skinny dipping.
Definitely go in for the kiss, but don't get grabby unless you're certain she wants it. You can always down her on the next date.
Think of how much more she will want you if you're not grabby. Be very careful with this, as you don't want to snuff her candle on the amazing date, you want it to burn until she can't stand it.
After the date, disappear again, flirtatious notes, candy gifts are good, but no sitting on the couch with her watching reruns of reality tv.
How awesome would she feel if after some amazing ****tails and appetizers, you took her on a night-time hike by an overgrown lake and just happened to find little gifts for her along the way that led all the way down the trail to a midnight uber-fancy champagne and chocolate covered ginger picknick, and maybe some almond-scented foor lotion for you to rub her feet while you talked and looked at the stars.
After that you might just happen to have towels to go skinny dipping.
After the date, disappear again, flirtatious notes, candy gifts are good, but no sitting on the couch with her watching reruns of reality tv.
HOLY CHIT BROO.... when is your clone coming out? I want dibs!!!
You need to learn the game. Time for research. There are probably a half-dozen books on chasing tail available at your local bookseller. Chasing does not mean smothering. It means piquing her interest and getting her into you and then disappearing so she can have plenty of time to look forward to the next contact. By limiting contact. You can reform her thinking of you from mundane to extraordinary.
For example, after you've finished helping around the house, go running at night so your away from her. Don't invite her out with friends invite her on a real date. Make it unbelievable. Plan everything meticulously and have several backup alternatives based on your sense of her mood.
How awesome would she feel if after some amazing ****tails and appetizers, you took her on a night-time hike by an overgrown lake and just happened to find little gifts for her along the way that led all the way down the trail to a midnight uber-fancy champagne and chocolate covered ginger picknick, and maybe some almond-scented foor lotion for you to rub her feet while you talked and looked at the stars.
After that you might just happen to have towels to go skinny dipping.
Definitely go in for the kiss, but don't get grabby unless you're certain she wants it. You can always down her on the next date.
Think of how much more she will want you if you're not grabby. Be very careful with this, as you don't want to snuff her candle on the amazing date, you want it to burn until she can't stand it.
After the date, disappear again, flirtatious notes, candy gifts are good, but no sitting on the couch with her watching reruns of reality tv.
Thanks for the advice and tips. You have given me some good ideas and inspiration to make it more relevant to our type of relationship.
Gonna get to putting them into play. Will keep you updated.
Help, My husband and I have only been married about a year. We dated for about 6 months before that. As of now, we have sex only about once a month. Yet, (not to sound off putting) I have men that hit on me often, so I know it's not that Im hideous or anything.
Also, I know that he does masturbate on his own often. He simply does not want to be intimate with me. Other than the sex we have a great relationship. He is romantic and thoughtful and very loving. I also know that he is not cheating or having any extramarital relationships.
I'm not sure what the real problem is. I know he looks at porn and I have somewhat dealt with it and wouldn't mind if we were intimate as well, but we aren't. I feel like as early as we are in our relationship that this should not be a problem. I am worried about what is going to happen to our sex life in the next year and so on.
He has made "comments" about how he is just one of those people that isn't interested "physicallY" in others. This just seems so weird to me though.
I am worried about this leading to myself being unfaithful to him and do not want that at all. Sex is very important to me and I want our relationship to thrive in this area also.
Help, My husband and I have only been married about a year. We dated for about 6 months before that. As of now, we have sex only about once a month. Yet, (not to sound off putting) I have men that hit on me often, so I know it's not that Im hideous or anything.
Also, I know that he does masturbate on his own often. He simply does not want to be intimate with me. Other than the sex we have a great relationship. He is romantic and thoughtful and very loving. I also know that he is not cheating or having any extramarital relationships.
I'm not sure what the real problem is. I know he looks at porn and I have somewhat dealt with it and wouldn't mind if we were intimate as well, but we aren't. I feel like as early as we are in our relationship that this should not be a problem. I am worried about what is going to happen to our sex life in the next year and so on.
He has made "comments" about how he is just one of those people that isn't interested "physicallY" in others. This just seems so weird to me though.
I am worried about this leading to myself being unfaithful to him and do not want that at all. Sex is very important to me and I want our relationship to thrive in this area also.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Sounds to me he either has a porn addiction or is a selfish lover. I mean that he finds it much easier to please himself and not worry about the chance he wouldn't please you in bed. He takes the easy road and just doesn't want to have to worry about pleasing you.
That may sound mean, but its probably true. Masturbation is one thing, but when it comes in the way or substitutes sex with your partner it really can kill a relationship.
Tried and still trying to be a little more attentive while keeping my distance, spit a little game to help reignite the old spark, and relax about the importance of our situation. Giving it some time to see some slight change. And there HAVE been some slight changes like having more pleasant conversation in the evenings while watching TV. Not that we argued or we jerks to each other before but the mood has lifted just a little.
Unfortunately, thats about the only change there has been. No sex. No kiss goodnight, barely one when leaving for work the next morning. Flat out...we are just friends that live together. I can honestly say that I have done a good job making some subtle changes but she really has not.
Comes home from either working out or at happy hour after work about 2 hrs before she heads to bed. Wouldn't normally be a huge deal but coming home late has turned into an every night or every other night routine. Only becoming problematic now because of the rest of the situation.
We average about 4-5 times per week, been together for 13 years. We got into a rut when we started having lots of kids but fought our way out of it (was once a week for awhile). All it took was a nice sit down conversation one night and everything changed.
As for the masturbation question, I think it's fine and we use it from time to time to change things up. Also it helps to see how the other person likes to be touched by watching them do it themselves.
maxxLogan-
If you could a access yourself against my article: Sexless Marraige?
you might get some pointers.
MT,
I would say you are certainly correct about the general cause and effect of each theory. My situation seems to encompass a little of each that you mentioned in the article as well as a few others such as the woman being raised by a mother who is stubborn and needs to dominate the household. My wife's mother is this way and it certainly shows in my wife's personality. She has a serious 'pride' issue that I believe stands in the way of much of our happiness as a couple. This being so, I am somewhat forced to stand up for myself and show my 'pride' in order to maintain an equal domineering status in our relationship.
I stooped to a lower level today and in a super sneaky manner by using the computer to "update her cell phone software" I was able to read SOME of her 3,744 text messages. I say SOME because she had just deleted them and she had only sent/received 6 messages since her recent deletion. First, why is she deleting text messages? The phone can hold much more than 10000 text messages. This makes me suspicious. I question her about it and she replies that the phone makes her delete them. So I give her the benefit of the doubt. When I do eventually get to read the 6 left over (all 6 are to/from male co-workers), one of the guys is telling her good morning and that he misses and loves her! She replied back to him that she missed him too.
Now I have the REASON to be suspicious but I shouldn't have been snooping in the first place. Right? I feel horrible for betraying her trust, but at the same time....I'm friggin glad I did it! Don't know how to bring up the subject to get her talking about it so that I can determine if I am just reading the messages out of context. I want to believe that there is something I missed....but honestly, I know better. I'm not that naive.
This just proves the point in my article that wives who go off sex, only go off sex with their husbands. As far other men go, she sounds open for business as usual.
She and I had a talk last night before bed. I did not tell her that I saw her text messages but did mention that she makes look suspicious by intentionally deleting text messages. She quietly agreed, reminded me she loves me and she is married to me. She claims to have no desires for other men. Meanwhile, I am maintaining a constant state of eyes-wide-open until my suspicions fade. I still claim not to be naive. My plan for the moment is to keep conflict to a minimum and let things continue as normal to see if anything happens.
If the real truth is that she is actually being faithful in our marriage and the inappropriate text messages she is replying back to one of these guys (saying that she misses him too) is just to avoid being rude to him, then we are becoming closer again due to conversations about the subject. As always, provide updates as they occur, or don't.
BTW, probably time to change the thread as this is becoming off subject from frequency of intimacy and directed more toward an affair issue.
Re: How often are your intimate? 
I was able to read SOME of her 3,744 text messages. I say SOME because she had just deleted them and she had only sent/received 6 messages since her recent deletion. First, why is she deleting text messages? The phone can hold much more than 10000 text messages. This makes me suspicious. I question her about it and she replies that the phone makes her delete them. So I give her the benefit of the doubt. When I do eventually get to read the 6 left over (all 6 are to/from male co-workers), one of the guys is telling her good morning and that he misses and loves her! She replied back to him that she missed him too.
