Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
If the real truth is that she is actually being faithful in our marriage and the inappropriate text messages she is replying back to one of these guys (saying that she misses him too) is just to avoid being rude to him, then we are becoming closer again due to conversations about the subject. As always, provide updates as they occur, or don't.
Um, you are so mistaken if you believe what she wrote to the guy was to avoid being rude.
Um, you are so mistaken if you believe what she wrote to the guy was to avoid being rude.
maxxLogan-
I'm sorry dude, but you really need to wake up and smell the coffee. If she is able to pull the wool over your eyes that easily, it shows that you are very distant indeed. If you had a stronger connection you would be devastated. Are you on any medication?
I'm sorry dude, but you really need to wake up and smell the coffee. If she is able to pull the wool over your eyes that easily, it shows that you are very distant indeed. If you had a stronger connection you would be devastated. Are you on any medication?
Yeah, like I said before, I will continue to observe the behavior in our marriage and the relationships she has with other people such as friends and co-workers.
Trying my best to step back and look at the situation from a distance to see what I would think if this was someone else's problem. Haven't come to a conclusion yet but I think with a little more time and observation, I will be able to make a sound, rational decision. I'm just trying not to blow this out of proportion if it turns out to be that she is being faithful. I think only time will tell. Thanks for everyone's advice.
Had to bust my wife recently on the texting thing and talking to a male friend of the family on her cell phone when I was not around. There is no other way to address other than to say it's not right and it needs to stop. She will be very defensive and resentful because you called her out on it. Then, it will get to a point where she will be patronizing about it. Like asking you for my permission to call someone and so forth.
Or, you can do what I started doing and play the same game and see how she likes it from the other side? I guarantee you will get her attention that way.
Had to bust my wife recently on the texting thing and talking to a male friend of the family on her cell phone when I was not around. There is no other way to address other than to say it's not right and it needs to stop. She will be very defensive and resentful because you called her out on it. Then, it will get to a point where she will be patronizing about it. Like asking you for my permission to call someone and so forth.
Or, you can do what I started doing and play the same game and see how she likes it from the other side? I guarantee you will get her attention that way.
I completely agree with playing the same game to let her see the situation from the opposite perspective. I have had to do this twice in our 8 year relationship and it has worked beautifully each time so far. It seems to me that discussion and the conveying of emotional issues gets your point only 'so far' across yet never quite reaches home until she can self-replicate those same emotions of envy.
At the moment, I don't really have female friends or co-workers that I can legitimately text and converse with that she would be jealous of. But believe me, I'm trying to find some similar way to get my point across.
I have only subtly mentioned that 3700 text messages per month is not okay, especially when the majority of the text are to two males. Her only response was that the guys are only 'friends' and that I should not worry. I didn't have much rebuttal for that as I have female friends that I am not attracted to and do not expect her to be envious of. However, I am not texting them nonstop either.
How did you do it and how did it work? I have no other choice but to give her taste of her own medicine. It's sad that it has come to this but I am done talking. Thanks.
How did you do it and how did it work? I have no other choice but to give her taste of her own medicine. It's sad that it has come to this but I am done talking. Thanks.
I just went out of my way to create a reverse replication of what I was feeling that I was most certain would affect her emotionally about our relationship. My wife isn't extremely touchy, feely, emotional all the time like the stereotypical woman. She most certainly is not the first of us two to bring up conversation concerning emotions in our relationship. Its just not something she likes to talk about, and neither do I for that matter. But eventually you get to a high enough level of frustration with a situation that it suddenly becomes very necessary to speak your mind. Speaking for myself (and quite comfortably my wife) we hold in our frustrations until we blow up or break, so to speak.
In previous instances, I had to determine if the things that bothered me about something she was doing would bother her if our roles were reversed. I believe the concept of 'role reversal' is very important in getting an in depth view of someone else's perspective. So, I would determine what pissed me off about a common situation and after some thought, find a way to replicate that situation in a way that would irritate her. A simple example being, if her method of loading the dishwasher bothered me because it was inefficient, and she did not care enough to put a little more thought into how she went about packing the dirty dishes, then when my turn comes around to do the dishes I would do an even more inefficient job than she did. Hopefully, wasting water, detergent, and time filling and waiting for a second load of dishes to be cleaned may make her think twice about her manner of completing the task.
I do not deliberately intend on irritating her on a daily basis. I am quite obviously not perfect myself, but by choosing my battles, and making small changes in our daily lives before they become major issues seems to be a decent and livable way to make our marriage last.
More specifically, back in high school, at the beginning of our relationship she took a platonic male friend to one of her school functions (i went to school in a different city nearby) without asking if it would bother me. So, at my next school function, I made sure I took a platonic female friend. It was two days before she called me again but her memory of that situation presented itself on future occasions and forced her to take the time to consider her own feelings if the roles were reversed (as she later admitted).
The point isn't to be mean or cruel to the person you love. As that person's spouse, it is your responsibility to help your loved one through life. If small conflicts at home help your significant other better deal with other situations in their everyday lives when they are not around their families, if they have a better attitude, are more successful, or whatever the case may be... I think your significant other would be grateful for their relationship with you. I know that is how I feel.
I have sex with hubby once or twice a week, but take care of it myself almost every night. He also does solo more often. We have been dating and married for about 14 years now.
Am 47, been with the same guy for 20 years and we shag most days.
MaxxLogan - I think you are in danger of minimising the whole thing, not blowing it out of proportion.
No sex or even kissing for you whereas it's 200 texts a day (and who knows what else) for the guys. Well! You may not have evidence of physical infidelity, but this is out and out emotional infidelity and it's absolutely not on if you two are going to stay married. Tell her she has to pay for her own phone if she's going to be texting other men. Don't take all this 'we're just friends' rubbish. If my man started texting other women 150 times a day I'd go through the roof. I have to say I think you're crazy to put up with not having any sex. You seem to be in denial about the meaning of that and this texting nonsense.
Look at you, a guy in his twenties, full of youth and vigour, and being given the run-around by his wife in this way. You ought to be shagging away like crazy and you're busy 'observing behaviour'. Do you really want to live like this? When you get to my age (she said grandly) - you will look back and wonder what you could have been thinking. Don't be afraid of her! And don't take anything personally. Broo is dead right.
Broo has in fact said it all. Listen to him! You are getting inside info not normally available through the usual channels. He has bothered to work out how women tick and you need to reread his posts about 100 times each until you change your mindset.
Passive round-about behaviour like mucking around with the dishwasher isn't going to cut it. Neither is you finding women to text just to show her what it's like. Don't get all intellectual and conversation-y about it. She is manipulating you. Don't manipulate back. Just straightforwardly let her know enough is enough and don't justify yourself or plead or get whiny. Cancel her phone contract if you have to. Why are you paying to let her take the mickey out of you like this?
You haven't learnt the game yet but you are going to have to, and it will be worth it. Locate and develop your naughty, flirty, fun and sexy side. Don't take anything personally like Broo says. (I said that already but it's important). Develop stupendous amounts of confidence in yourself. Either your wife will get interested in you again or you will move on and use your skills to have tons of fun with someone who is really into you.
One thing I would add - in your campaign to get your wife back on your side, don't forget about cycles! By this I mean, don't come on to her when she's in the middle of PMT. Wait until the last day or so of her period, and start building up over the next two weeks to co-ordinate with ovulation time. Most women have at least one or two massively horny days over ovulation time. If you press the right buttons, while the hormones are doing their thang, they are more than happy to be manoeuvred into the bedroom (or wherever) and enthusiastically shagged and orgasmed till they can't think straight any more.
Passive round-about behaviour like mucking around with the dishwasher isn't going to cut it. Neither is you finding women to text just to show her what it's like. Don't get all intellectual and conversation-y about it. She is manipulating you. Don't manipulate back. Just straightforwardly let her know enough is enough and don't justify yourself or plead or get whiny. Cancel her phone contract if you have to. Why are you paying to let her take the mickey out of you like this?
You haven't learnt the game yet but you are going to have to, and it will be worth it. Locate and develop your naughty, flirty, fun and sexy side. Don't take anything personally like Broo says. (I said that already but it's important). Develop stupendous amounts of confidence in yourself. Either your wife will get interested in you again or you will move on and use your skills to have tons of fun with someone who is really into you.
I have to agree with some points made by 'coffee bean'. It's been a few weeks since my original post on this thread about my wife and her emotional affair and all that. I tried the reverse thing and it does not work. When someone is in an emotional linked relationship like my wife is, they don't think straight at all. People who get obsessions and unusual attachments like my wife has only think about and see what they want to. That's the problem they are not thinking of others only themselves. My wife has said some crazy stuff in relation to all this, acted in ways I've never seen, and contradicted herself over and over. I don't think she remembers have the things she has said because she is not focused on problem solving she is focused on herself.
Like 'coffee bean' said, I have stopped wasting my energy on trying to reason with her. I love her and I believe things will eventually work themselves out. However, for now, because she is so clouded and blinded right now, I will focus on improving my life and trying not to rely on my marriage to provide certain aspects of my happiness.
2006: four times
2007: once (hello child #4)
2008: three times
2009: twice so far
miserable: you betcha
She will not initiate, shows no interest, and refuses to discuss it. When I initiate, if I get a response at all, I feel guilty for 'forcing' her since she's obviously not into it.
But I know we have problems far beyond frequency of sex. If I can manage to put it in words, its a topic for a different thread.
Sorry to hear that. I don't know how you live like that. I would go crazy. Does your wife take any anti-depressents? Just found out myself that Lexapro my wife takes greatly decreases libido.
No medications. She has never shown much interest.
I'm not happy. But you ask how can I live like that? What real choice do I have? It might sound selfish, but as miserable as I might be sexually, at least I get time with my kids every day...make supper, baths, bedtime stories. Things I would miss if I pressed the issue and it turned out badly.
I've been married 8 months and we sex 2-3 times a month!
It's been a issue since we started going out ... he get nervous and shuts down. The Doc told him he has ED & gave him meds but I have to ask him to take it PLEASE!
Re: How often are your intimate? 
