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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 08-24-2011, 03:56 PM   #136 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

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Originally Posted by Therealbrighteyes View Post
In sickness and in health for better or for worse means nothing to him apparently. I agree with Catherine, he gets everything he wants, while you do not.
Not sure how you see him as such a great husband but you do. I feel very sad for your situation and if karma has anything to do with this, you will find your cure right about the time he has ED and viola, your turn.
Not saying I agree with the proposed solution, but your take on situations like this is:

"Your sex life is over. Deal with it."
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Old 08-24-2011, 04:07 PM   #137 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

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Not saying I agree with the proposed solution, but your take on situations like this is:

"Your sex life is over. Deal with it."
No, not at all. This husband could get creative. There is more to sex than just intercourse but he chooses to view it only one way.
He also sounds to have some serious issues regarding sex. She said he viewed sex with her the same as sex with anybody else. Just an act or a release. No connection or emotion. It sounds like he is deeply disturbed.

Having said that, he took a vow and it sounds like he meant it up until the sh!t hit the fan and then he was out. Is that marriage? No.
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Old 08-24-2011, 04:18 PM   #138 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

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No, not at all. This husband could get creative. There is more to sex than just intercourse but he chooses to view it only one way.
I quite agree, but in a case where only one partner is prepared to be creative or accept the other's creativity? You're back to "My way or the high way. Deal with it."

Note, this could equally apply to any partner of any sex.
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Old 08-24-2011, 06:33 PM   #139 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

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I quite agree, but in a case where only one partner is prepared to be creative or accept the other's creativity? You're back to "My way or the high way. Deal with it."

Note, this could equally apply to any partner of any sex.
HE is the one saying my way or the highway. He is holding her hostage in essence. She tried. Either let me cheat in front of you or let me cheat behind your back. That isn't marriage, that's blackmail.
She seems to be very accepting of the situation, to a fault and he seems to reap the benefits of being a "family man" while getting everything he wants on the side. He's a fraud and she already has issues with it, 3 months in. I can assure you her resentment levels will hit epic proportions. She has already said that he spends less time with her and the children and has to "work late". Come on.
If she did the same to him if he had an illness and couldn't perform sexually, do you think he would be so understanding. Not a chance. Marriage IS in sickness and in health and he chose the easy way out.
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Old 08-24-2011, 06:48 PM   #140 (permalink)
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HE is the one saying my way or the highway. He is holding her hostage in essence. She tried. Either let me cheat in front of you or let me cheat behind your back. That isn't marriage, that's blackmail.
She seems to be very accepting of the situation, to a fault and he seems to reap the benefits of being a "family man" while getting everything he wants on the side. He's a fraud and she already has issues with it, 3 months in. I can assure you her resentment levels will hit epic proportions. She has already said that he spends less time with her and the children and has to "work late". Come on.
If she did the same to him if he had an illness and couldn't perform sexually, do you think he would be so understanding. Not a chance. Marriage IS in sickness and in health and he chose the easy way out.
I'm sorry, but I just can't stand for my husband being called a fraud. Despite our current issues, he is my husband, and what he's doing now doesn't undo everything he's done over the years to earn my love, respect, and admiration. You don't seem to have any appreciation for the sensitivity and complexity of this situation. I appreciate your thoughts, but I came here for advice, not to be told repeatedly how horrible a person my husband is.
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Old 08-24-2011, 07:12 PM   #141 (permalink)
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For whatever it is worth on here Maya , I felt your post about how you have cried thinking about all the wonderful things your husband has done for your family, being there for them -was beautiful, it is very very obvious TO ME, that the man has some very redeeming qualities about him. Most women would ERASE and conveniently forget all the good of a man - because of what you are dealing with, they would re-write history, and I feel you are an amazing woman to recognize HIS GOOD, even admists the Bad - what others see as pure selfishness.

When it comes down to it, this is between you and your husband & what you 2 decide to do -out of love & undertanding for each other. Most people will frown mightily on this type of situation as they would never allow such a thing in the own marriage, they can not even wrap their head around it , let alone what it would do to the heart.

I just hope whatever you do decide, you can find peace with it, TherealBrighteyes did have a good point about (if your husband has not had a vesectomy) some women may see $$$ signs & get pregnant , I surely wouldn't put that past some gold diggers out there.

I am sure you have went over this till you are blue in the face , what to do, I see you as a very very understanding and loving wife just trying to handle a very very very difficult situation.
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Old 08-24-2011, 07:24 PM   #142 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Sawney Beane View Post
Not saying I agree with the proposed solution, but your take on situations like this is:

"Your sex life is over. Deal with it."
I don't see anyone saying the above. Of course his sex life should not be over because his wife is ill if he makes that choice. It his drive and he can do as he pleases. The suggestions were for Maya to establish boundaries. The purpose of boundaries is to protect against emotional and physical injury. She has none and that is why she seems to be headed for an emotional fall.

To suggested that his sex life is over because she is sick is a demand not a boundary. One of the suggestions was that they separate. The benefit to her is that she does not have to endure the indignity of watching her husband date and have a fun time with other women. It is true she will not be able to watch him in his new diggs but that's the point. She has no control over him and that he might move some chick in. That is indeed a disadvantage I suppose but is it any worse than that he is dating fast and furious? He just has to take care of business in a hotel room of maybe his office when every one is gone.

He has to deal with not seeing his family every day, people knowing that he has left his wife for the purpose of seeing other women. He may consider that something he would rather not people know but it is what it is. He has to handle that. Perhaps if he suffered some consequences he will rethink his attitude towards women. Right now they are a collection of warm holes and he is a penis. This is a limited view of 1/2 of the population.

Alternatively they could divorce. They can remain good friends and love each other but he will have his life and freedom to be consumed by the pursuit of sexual pleasure. Maya will have no less than what she has now, except she can protect the family assets for her kids he can use his half to buy all the woman he wants. he does not associate sex with love so why keep him around he can be loved from afar.
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Old 08-24-2011, 07:28 PM   #143 (permalink)
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For whatever it is worth on here Maya , I felt your post about how you have cried thinking about all the wonderful things your husband has done for your family, being there for them -was beautiful, it is very very obvious TO ME, that the man has some very redeeming qualities about him. Most women would ERASE and conveniently forget all the good of a man - because of what you are dealing with, they would re-write history, and I feel you are an amazing woman to recognize HIS GOOD, even admists the Bad - what others see as pure selfishness.

When it comes down to it, this is between you and your husband & what you 2 decide to do -out of love & undertanding for each other. Most people will frown mightily on this type of situation as they would never allow such a thing in the own marriage, they can not even wrap their head around it , let alone what it would do to the heart.

I just hope whatever you do decide, you can find peace with it, TherealBrighteyes did have a good point about (if your husband has not had a vesectomy) some women may see $$$ signs & get pregnant , I surely wouldn't put that past some gold diggers out there.

I am sure you have went over this till you are blue in the face , what to do, I see you as a very very understanding and loving wife just trying to handle a very very very difficult situation.
Thank you, SimplyAmorous. Your advice and understanding really do mean a lot.
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Old 08-24-2011, 08:09 PM   #144 (permalink)
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I don't think that's a guy thing or a high drive thing because my husband is not like that at all. He is high drive and he's a man so he's of course physically attracted to other women, but he has told me that he can't imagine sleeping with someone he doesn't love.

It's perhaps normal for men to not have as strong an association between sex and emotion as women, but no association whatsoever? I'm not sure that's a healthy or normal way to conceptualize sex. Have you considered urging your husband to see a psychologist or a sex therapist to evaluate his views toward sex?
I've always known that he viewed sex that way, but I never thought about whether that was normal or not because it hasn't been an issue in my marriage until now. I think his motivations for wanting to bring me to orgasm were more driven by his "alpha male" ego and asserting his masculinity than a unique expression of love towards me. But the sex was always amazing and I always orgasmed, so it was never an issue. To tell you the truth, I wasn't exactly much into romance myself and was perfectly content that my husband's concept of good sex was just both of us achieving orgasm. I just thought all men were like that. I've learned now that that's not the case.

I think that having him see a therapist to analyze his concept of sex is a good idea, I'll suggest that to him at some point.
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Old 08-24-2011, 08:27 PM   #145 (permalink)
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I've always known that he viewed sex that way, but I never thought about whether that was normal or not because it hasn't been an issue in my marriage until now. I think his motivations for wanting to bring me to orgasm were more driven by his "alpha male" ego and asserting his masculinity than a unique expression of love towards me. But the sex was always amazing and I always orgasmed, so it was never an issue. To tell you the truth, I wasn't exactly much into romance myself and was perfectly content that my husband's concept of good sex was just both of us achieving orgasm. I just thought all men were like that. I've learned now that that's not the case.

I think that having him see a therapist to analyze his concept of sex is a good idea, I'll suggest that to him at some point.
I'm all for men embracing an "alpha male" persona with their wives (this was actually being discussed in a couple of the other threads), but machismo can't be the only basis upon which a man seeks to cultivate a healthy sexual relationship with his wife. Love must also be a big part of the good sex equation, IMHO.

It sounds like he's completely compartmentalized the marital relationship. I.E., if the purposes of marriage are threefold--1) love and companionship, 2) fulfilling physical needs, and 3) procreation--he seems to regard these three as completely separate and independent of one another. So that if one of them cannot be fulfilled with his wife, he thinks it's okay to fulfill it with someone else without having any detrimental effect on the other two. That doesn't strike me as a healthy way to view marriage.
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Old 08-24-2011, 09:24 PM   #146 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

Maya, my heart goes out to you. This is a horrible situation with no really good answers. I honestly don't know what to say that could be of any help.

Here is a site I found on line. Who knows maybe they could help you in some way or direct you to someone who can.
The Berman Women's Wellness Center

Good Luck!
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Old 08-25-2011, 12:09 AM   #147 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

Maya,
While this situation is causing a lot of posters here to get highly emotional I would like to add some observations:
1. I absolutely believe he can have escort sex without a strong emotional connection to the women
2. He definitely does love you and your family
3. The post about him getting all his needs met while you don't is not really valid. I am confident he would far prefer a strong sexual relationship with you. He is making the best of a tough situation.
4. My guess - if you give him no choice he will accept a separation and ultimately even a divorce. He is not agreeable to being in a sexless/sort of sexless marriage.




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He has never been into porn. He says it doesn't appeal to him. Even when I went through his laptop, I didn't find any porn aside from the escort websites.

I wouldn't necessarily say that he's taking away time from us. He is spending more hours at "work", but he's also getting there much earlier than he used to (7:30-8:00 instead of 8:30-9:00), I'm usually asleep when he leaves the house. He has indeed apparently been dining with some of the women he's seeing. Some of these were at out-of-town places when he was traveling for work, but others were here locally on evenings that he said he had to work late. But he frequently had to work late even before (though at that time I was certain that he was actually working). When he's told me he needs to work late, I usually invite my sister over that evening, so not too much has changed there. He's doing it more often now, but not a huge amount. He had previously agreed to a "no dating" condition when he first suggested this arrangement, but I didn't insist upon it when I finally agreed to it three months ago.

I hadn't thought about the idea of a separation, but it's an interesting suggestion. The one huge drawback is that if he got his own place separate from me, it gives him more opportunities to shack up with women, which wouldn't make things any easier for me. But perhaps living with him is making this more emotionally difficult for me than it would be otherwise. I don't think I've yet reached the point where I think it would be necessary, but it's something to keep in mind.
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Old 08-25-2011, 12:50 AM   #148 (permalink)
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Thank you so much for sharing that link; it did provide me with some perspective. I read through some of the replies, and it made me think about my husband's views about sex. Basically, he has no concept of sex being a means of strengthening an emotional bond or an expression of love. He seems to see sex as purely a physical need. That connection between sex and love that other people have doesn't seem to exist in his psychology. So to him, getting it from someone else seems to be the same as getting it from me. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know my husband loves me, and he never cheated on me before this because we used to have amazing, frequent sex. But I can't say that I don't wish my husband saw sex with me that way. I definitely don't want my children growing up with similar concepts.

It's a double-edged sword, so to speak. I know that because of his attitude about sex, it's highly unlikely that he'll start to have feelings for another woman during this arrangement, which he otherwise might have been susceptible to if his views were different and he had an affair because of my medical issues. But the fact that he seems so comfortable with this arrangement and can have these separate worlds without it affecting him emotionally is unsettling to me.
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Hi, you say that your husband's attitude towards sex seems to be purely physical in nature? I would caution you that he may feel this way now because of a strong sex drive, but as he approaches mid-life in your marriage, he may begin to realize that there always was a strong need to bond with you emotionally. Don't make the mistake of thinking that just because he has a strong sex drive as a relatively young man, that he doesn't also have a deeper need to feel connected, and this is his way of doing so.

Meanwhile, he may be out trying to satisfy a need for something that he is unclear about, because his sexual appetite is all he sees. Be careful, because even though you think you are unable to give him something that you think you are unable to provide, you may only be hurting yourself and him in the process.

Your husband may be a great husband, good provider, and all those great qualities you mentioned, but have you thought about this: It sounds to me like he may be emotionally immature, meaning that there could be a very strong underlying reason why he is so sexually driven. That underlying reason might be emotionally based on some need to feel a deep sense of connectedness to a female. You should be that female, not the many women he is allowed to sleep with because of your new arrangement.

Listen, I know this has been hard for you both, but I believe there are ways for you to connect sexually and emotionally without having to resort to your current arrangement. Sure, it won't be optimal, but life can't always be the way we want, and we can't always have our cake and eat it too. If he has needs, then do your part to help him get them satisfied in a way that helps you both. You know, sex doesn't have to be just about physical gratification, and it is clear to me that you both probably need to be more intimately and emotionally connected. Letting your husband go out and be with other women isn't really helping as much as you might think, and it sure isn't helping you.

I am speaking from experience when I tell you that I have always had a very strong sex drive, one which has never been even close to being satisfied in my marriage. To add insult to the situation, after the kids came, my wife was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, followed by a complete hysterectomy and chemotherapy. What was once a bad situation, just became worse. I considered going outside my marriage, but didn't, because that is just me. But what I realized as time went on and I rounded the 50yr old mark was this: There had always a very deep desire to be connected to my wife emotionally, which even she was never very good at or needy in herself. My sex drive had decreased a little, not much, but enough so that I began to see that there was definitely a strong emotional element involved with my strong sex drive. That, combined with the fact that I had not matured to the point of being able to recognize what was motivating me. Our relationship was bound to mature in order for it to survive life's tests. The problem was, now I had to somehow convince my wife that I really did need to be both physically and emotionally connected to her, a new challenge.

I hope what I have said helps! Good luck!
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Old 08-25-2011, 12:54 AM   #149 (permalink)
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Maya,
While this situation is causing a lot of posters here to get highly emotional I would like to add some observations:
1. I absolutely believe he can have escort sex without a strong emotional connection to the women
2. He definitely does love you and your family
3. The post about him getting all his needs met while you don't is not really valid. I am confident he would far prefer a strong sexual relationship with you. He is making the best of a tough situation.
4. My guess - if you give him no choice he will accept a separation and ultimately even a divorce. He is not agreeable to being in a sexless/sort of sexless marriage.
Thanks for your reply. That's one thing that my husband kept repeating during our conversation in which I agreed to this arrangement, that he would much rather be with me but he can't make his sex drive just go away. It's reassuring, but it doesn't do much to alleviate the emotional strain of knowing that my husband is intimate with other women. Divorce is not an option, but a temporary, amicable separation is looking like a good idea the more I think about it. I understand where my husband is coming from and I'm willing to look the other way on his sex life for now, but I can't live with him while he's not keeping it at home.
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Old 08-25-2011, 01:07 AM   #150 (permalink)
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Maya, May I ask?

Regarding your medical condition: Does this condition prohibit you from being able to have a normal orgasm? If so, do you masturbate?

Do you and your husband have any sexual contact at all any more?

Are you willing to go without sex from hence forth if he continues to go outside your marriage?

Forgive me if these questions are too personal or improper here. I only mean to help if I can.
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