Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

Maya627 · 08-25-2011, 01:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by insight

Hi, you say that your husband's attitude towards sex seems to be purely physical in nature? I would caution you that he may feel this way now because of a strong sex drive, but as he approaches mid-life in your marriage, he may begin to realize that there always was a strong need to bond with you emotionally. Don't make the mistake of thinking that just because he has a strong sex drive as a relatively young man, that he doesn't also have a deeper need to feel connected, and this is his way of doing so.

Meanwhile, he may be out trying to satisfy a need for something that he is unclear about, because his sexual appetite is all he sees. Be careful, because even though you think you are unable to give him something that you think you are unable to provide, you may only be hurting yourself and him in the process.

Your husband may be a great husband, good provider, and all those great qualities you mentioned, but have you thought about this: It sounds to me like he may be emotionally immature, meaning that there could be a very strong underlying reason why he is so sexually driven. That underlying reason might be emotionally based on some need to feel a deep sense of connectedness to a female. You should be that female, not the many women he is allowed to sleep with because of your new arrangement.

Listen, I know this has been hard for you both, but I believe there are ways for you to connect sexually and emotionally without having to resort to your current arrangement. Sure, it won't be optimal, but life can't always be the way we want, and we can't always have our cake and eat it too. If he has needs, then do your part to help him get them satisfied in a way that helps you both. You know, sex doesn't have to be just about physical gratification, and it is clear to me that you both probably need to be more intimately and emotionally connected. Letting your husband go out and be with other women isn't really helping as much as you might think, and it sure isn't helping you.

I am speaking from experience when I tell you that I have always had a very strong sex drive, one which has never been even close to being satisfied in my marriage. To add insult to the situation, after the kids came, my wife was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, followed by a complete hysterectomy and chemotherapy. What was once a bad situation, just became worse. I considered going outside my marriage, but didn't, because that is just me. But what I realized as time went on and I rounded the 50yr old mark was this: There had always a very deep desire to be connected to my wife emotionally, which even she was never very good at or needy in herself. My sex drive had decreased a little, not much, but enough so that I began to see that there was definitely a strong emotional element involved with my strong sex drive. That, combined with the fact that I had not matured to the point of being able to recognize what was motivating me. Our relationship was bound to mature in order for it to survive life's tests. The problem was, now I had to somehow convince my wife that I really did need to be both physically and emotionally connected to her, a new challenge.

I hope what I have said helps! Good luck!

Thank you for sharing that your story. I'm very sorry for what you and your wife had to go through but I'm glad to hear that you grew closer as a result. Someone else argued that my husband's concept of sex is not healthy or normal, and it's definitely possible that there are some deep-seated psychological reasons why if that is indeed the case. I'm going to encourage him to see a therapist to evaluate his sexual mindset.

insight · 08-25-2011, 01:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maya627

Thank you for sharing that your story. I'm very sorry for what you and your wife had to go through but I'm glad to hear that you grew closer as a result. Someone else argued that my husband's concept of sex is not healthy or normal, and it's definitely possible that there are some deep-seated psychological reasons why if that is indeed the case. I'm going to encourage him to see a therapist to evaluate his sexual mindset.

Hmmm, is that all you got out of what I had to say? Perhaps I expect too much.

Maya627 · 08-25-2011, 01:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by insight

Maya, May I ask?

Regarding your medical condition: Does this condition prohibit you from being able to have a normal orgasm? If so, do you masturbate?

Do you and your husband have any sexual contact at all any more?

Are you willing to go without sex from hence forth if he continues to go outside your marriage?

Forgive me if these questions are too personal or improper here. I only mean to help if I can.

Yes; I haven't had an orgasm in a very long time, and I can no longer get wet so sex became painful. It's basically impossible for me to become aroused, so I don't masturbate either.

No; my husband and I are no longer sexually intimate. Towards the end I was giving him BJs after intercourse became increasingly painful, but I stopped after we agreed to this arrangement. One of the conditions is that while this arrangement is in effect, I won't have any kind of sexual relations with him. We're still affectionate with each other, but in non-sexual ways or ways that won't lead to sex.

My strong preference is to get my libido back ASAP and resume our normal sex life. When that happens, I will end my consent to the arrangement. Doctor said that the condition is such that it can safely remain untreated since I don't have any other symptoms, but I need my sex drive back. As soon as my doctor and I find a safe option to treat this, I'm taking it.

TantalusAgenda · 08-25-2011, 08:18 AM

Forgive me, but your husband's attitude seems remarkable. You maintain, with apparent good reason, that he is not selfish, yet he is making what appear to be unrealistic and unfair demands of you in order to fulfill his own desires and sexual fantasies... what isn't selfish about that?

It seems to me that with your husband's "high sex drive" he is founding your marriage primarily on sex. Sex is the most important factor - everything else comes second. What about helping you deal with your problems? What about working through a problem together? What about going through the high's and lows? It sounds like your husband is making unrealistic demands for sex on a plate and when you, quite rightly, can't deliver he is looking for your permission to go off elsewhere... I can only think of strongly insulting words to describe him!

I am a man. I am in my mid thirties. I am married. I have a child. And for all I want it, I don't get to have sex anywhere near as often as you... there's no wonder you are dry and can't orgasm... you must be bashed to death down there! I have sex with my wife two or three times a month, if I am lucky, and I am an unhappy about it - unhappy enough to set up a blog to explore the issues in a reasoned and adult way, and explore solutions which are going to benefit both of us. Your husband sounds very immature.

From what you've said, your sex has been primarily about him. It may have been satisfying for you in the past, but what has he really done to help you through your problem? I am actively trying all sorts with my wife, and for me the best sex is had when we are both completely into it... he needs to get his head out of the clouds and smell the coffee!

Submissive blow jobs are not the answer, allowing him to shag other women is not any answer either. It's completely degrading for you and show's no compassion or respect towards you, his wife.

You need to put a stop to this now, and get him to think about you for a change rather than himself.

Sorry.

Enchantment · 08-25-2011, 08:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maya627

Yes; I haven't had an orgasm in a very long time, and I can no longer get wet so sex became painful. It's basically impossible for me to become aroused, so I don't masturbate either.

Maya ~

Is there anything that can be done to alleviate the dryness? That is the same kind of thing that many menopausal women go through when they encounter a decrease in their hormones, and there are many remedies that can be tried. Have you tried any of those?

It seems so heartbreaking that you have a medical condition and are just told "Sorry, you just have to live with it. We have no treatment for you." I would consider seeking out other physicians for consultation until you can get a more acceptable result. I wouldn't just give up without a fight.

And, ultimately, it is your decision as to what you find acceptable to live with. I have tried to put myself into your situation in my mind, and I think that I would make some additional conditions: 1) that my husband not engage in anything outside of the sexual encounters (such as going to dinners or 'dates' with these women) and 2) that the encounters take a minimal amount of time (e.g., only scheduled on certain dates and for a very specific timeframe). Would you want to set up the schedule or preview the schedule, as opposed to them being done on an 'ad hoc' basis? In otherwords, I think that the 'rules of engagement' must be very tightly managed.

And lastly, do you let your husband know what is really in your heart? Do you feel that you have adequate emotional support in your illness and with this situation? I think you mentioned a sister you talk to? Is there a support group for people who suffer from the medical condition that you do?

My heart goes out to you! Wishing you all the best.

Bless you.

bellamaxjoy · 10-29-2011, 07:13 PM

My husband and I are recovering from his having a very intense EA. I am so afraid for you that one of these women will give your husband what he wants, and he will become attached. Then your unselfishness will be re payed with him leaving you for someone who will give him sex whenever he wants, as well as he emotional connection you develop after it.

misticli · 10-29-2011, 07:58 PM

I see this has been going on for some time. I feel very sorry for you. I do understand you husbands need to have sex. Sex is a huge part of any marriage. I do think him leaving the marriage bed in this manner is not going to turn out well. Sex keeps you emotionally connected with you partner. When you leave other people to satisfy such an important need for your husband you put yourself in a position where he may find someone he gets attached to and you could lose him.

There are a lot of things you can do if dryness is an issue down there. Visual stimulation, watching porn together, using sex toys, anal sex etc. Then there is also drugs to increase your libido as well. I hope you can work things out.

Zzyzx · 10-30-2011, 03:02 AM

Just discovered this thread. Heartbreaking story. For all the naysayers out there, I say Maya is making the best of it. She gets her husband's attention to their kids, her sister, her nephew, her mother. That has to count for something and to Maya, it has. At the same time, it needs to be clear to everyone that her husband cannot do the sexless marriage, period. Not at all.

One of my best friends was in a sexless marriage. Basically the sex disappeared after their first child, then she got him to give her two more, but absolutely no sex after that. Further, she refused to consider that she was at fault, refused to consider even seeing any doctors or counselors, she gaslighted that this was normal. Maya has gone much further than her. So my friend said, OK, I love children period, I love being around my children and the only way I can maintain the level of contact I want with my children is to stay married. But there was still enormous tension in the house due to his sex drive and her unwillingness to do anything about it. And then she told him he was evil for having that sex drive and no way would she countenance him cheating on her. But he couldn't get her to consider counseling around this.

He put up with this for two years before he fell for an affair with someone in his office, then spent 5 years in a succession of them, all behind her back of course. But there was more emotional entanglement in these affairs than he wanted to deal with because he still wanted to stay married and be a father. So he bit the bullet and started seeing escorts and continued that until the last child finished high school at which time he finally filed for divorce. With the escorts, it was easy to keep the emotional connection out of it. The old rule of thumb being the escort isn't being paid for her time, she's being paid to leave.

His comment to me was that when his drive was satisfied outside of the marriage, he was relaxed around his wife, no pressure on her anymore, then the relationship actually improved much to his amazement. He thinks she suspected, but she never once confronted him as he was extremely careful all along to keep it away from her to the point of getting tested for STD's at least once a year. When he filed for divorce, they had not had sex in 14 years. Sheesh!!! was all I could say, I cannot imagine putting up without sex for that long. I would have divorced her, but he wanted to be with the kids that badly.

Just another viewpoint. So I say bravo to Maya for making the best of a truly heartbreaking and terrible situation. Remember to the naysayers she is getting something out of this just as much as her husband is. She is getting to keep an intact marriage with a man who still values his family and his in-laws. That alone is worth something... and she needs to remind herself every day of this. That if she didn't give this outlet, he would have either gone behind her back or he would have divorced her.

Postscript: my friend is now with a girlfriend whose drive he says is about half of his. For which he feels very grateful to get that much as he now feels like he is with someone he doesn't have to cheat on. He truly hated the way he had to deal with his wife just to be around his kids. Hated the way his sex drive drove him crazy (and still does). His ex-wife was relieved to have the divorce, she did take her half, but there's no animosity, simply an understanding... that could still happen to Maya. So I pray for her sake that she can find the fix for her condition.

Mr B · 10-30-2011, 10:50 AM

Many people, mostly men, can only get fully aroused sexually with a new partner. This is often caused by a fear of intimacy due to childhood issues.

But these people also want what many others want- a family, a good relationship, sexually and otherwise. But a fear of intimacy which can often be subconscious, can cause men to lose their ability to perform sexually with anyone they feel close to. This can cause a marriage to become sexless and allowing men with these problems to seek sex outside the marriage allows them to have sexual release but usually will not endanger the marriage because they are going to have sexual difficulties with anyone they get close to. So there is very little chance that he would fall in love or try to start a relationship with someone new. he knows his sexual problems will just reoccur with anyone else. This protects the marriage.

This is a problem with women too but they can still have intercourse despite feeling anxious due to intimacy fears. Men on the other hand often lose the ability to get an erection due to the anxiety and so cannot engage in a sexual relationship unless he has a casual or new relationship with the women he is having sex with.

Most wives would not allow their husbands to have sex outside the marriage so often these men turn to porn and masturbation as the only way they can obtain sexual release and a long term sexless marriage is the result.

Therapeutic treatment for male sexual dysfunction caused by a conscious or subconscious fear of intimacy usually has a poor outcome and many sex therapists attempt to treat the sexual dysfunction rather than the root cause which usually goes undiscovered.

Ayan · 12-02-2011, 12:52 AM

WOW, reading what you wrote was like a interesting movie! lol

For one I don't think i could ever live with my Husband having sex with other women and going out to eat with them, but you sure could and i do understand what you two are going through is a unique one.

I hope you are happy and he will NEVER fall in-love with anyone else but you.

I say do what makes one happy-

Good luck and god bless everything for you !

kallywana · 12-02-2011, 08:55 AM

Do not encourage your husband to commit adultery. It is sin against God, you and your children.

Try other sex positions. Give me him a good ****.
Believe me, once he starts sleeping with other women, there will be problem in your marriage. l can't share my husband with another woman.

Let him sex with you as much as he want, that is not asking for too much considering the sacrifices he has made for you and your family.

Trickster · 12-02-2011, 03:01 PM

Thanks Maya for starting this thread. I may now understand what my wife is going through. I don't Know if she has your condition but she has severe dryness ans sex is always painful.

She is really trying all sorts of things that helps with dryness. For 19years we have been through this. She has ALWAYS been like this. She doesn't seem to want to go to the Doctor about this.

I stick around because I do not want to be away from my daughter. I am SOOO close to having an EA it scares me.

With your thread it will help me be more understanding. For the last year now my wife and I have been having much more sex than ever before. So I know she is trying her best as painful as it is for her. I am a little more understanding now.

I don't want my wife to go through all the CR** that you are going through.

jezza · 12-03-2011, 05:29 AM

I hope Maya is still keeping a track on this thread because I would like to take my hat off to her! What a wife! I have every admiration for her.

They had a problem in their marriage. They clearly love each other dearly but she - for both medical and possible emotional reasons is simply not interested in sex...and doesn't seem to be able to make herself even remotely interested in sex.

She was woman enough to understand that her husband wanted that physical intimacy with her but also, being a man he needed sex.
She couldnt provide him with either...they both loved each other, why should he abstain?

If a couple love cross country running together, but one unfortunately has to give it up for whatever reason, should the other one also give it up?

What about a marriage where physical disability prevents one partner from having sex of any sort...should the other one simply became asexual aswell?

Maya made a very brave and courageous decision...it wasnt easy and the situation isnt ideal.
My only hope for them both is that she gets her libido back and that he is simply having sex and not falling in love.... As they seem such a happy and 'successful' couple in every way except one... and a very import one at that.

Maya....I wish you and your husband all the very best...you BOTH deserve it.

Enchantment · 12-03-2011, 10:05 AM

Well, I'm sure Maya has likely left the building as this thread is from this summer and I haven't seen a post from her for awhile.

@Maya ~

If you are still out there, can you give us an update and let us know how you are doing? I think of you periodically and I get a little clench in the region of my heart when I think what you have had to go through.

I will say that I vehemently disagree with a number of the more recent posts.

Here is the deal. I don't believe that a person will be able to maintain their self-respect and self-worth in a situation like this. A wife letting her husband out and about like this will ultimately destroy her. And Maya's husband isn't just meeting up with an escort for an hour to get a 'fix', he is wining and dining his paramours - that is taking it to a whole other level. It is only 'sanctioned' cheating in my opinion, and when there's the word 'cheat' in there no good will come of it.

Maya, I recently came across this great book and read it. Please consider looking at this. YOU deserve a great, committed relationship just as much as the next person. YOU deserve someone who will be willing to GIVE to you.

Amazon.com: The Courage to Be Yourself: A Woman's Guide to Emotional Strength and Self-Esteem (0824297245698): Sue Patton Thoele: Books

I wish you peace on your journey.

Best wishes.

jezza · 12-17-2011, 04:17 AM

I know I posted earlier on this page, but I have just read zzyzx's post. I could have been that friend he was talking about!

I have been (am still) in a basically sexless marriage - might be allowed to have sex with my wife 4-6 times a year and then she sees it as a 'duty'.
About 10 years ago I too had an affair... We have two children...I love them dearly, didnt (still don't!) want to lose them...+ house +++ so I stay married.

My marriage is a bit like Maya's....more or less OK apart from the lack of sex.
I 'strayed' because someone paid me the attention I wasnt getting from my wife (even though I was doing all the 'right' things).
Whilst I was having the affair my marriage DID get better... As I was getting sex elsewhere I was no longer 'annoyed' with my wife.... it was as if this sexual 'black cloud' that hung over our marriage was suddenly lifted.
At the time I didnt think my wife suspected...and to this day (10 years on) she has not mentioned a thing. But I know through a friend of hers that she did know.

Why didnt she confront me? I think its because she knew I wouldn't 'leave' and me getting sex elsewhere took a massive burden off her shoulders.

The affair lasted about two years when it was brought to a sudden and tragic end.

So....whilst sex is very important in a marriage (especially to the man)...a marriage CAN sometimes improve if the sex part is being met elsewhere.

This is why I admire Maya....she made a very courageous decision.