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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 04-15-2011, 08:01 PM   #61 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

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This response is so awesome.

I agree, she is trying, but it's not enough for him. I am sure once the children are a little older things may change.

Small children can be so exhausting.
Of course you think his response is awesome.
He is totally right though.
You know what hasn't been mentioned? If she is drained and tired and he is rearing for sex and full of energy, why doesn't he channel that energy into helping out his wife more and taking some of the burden off of her. She did mention that he takes care of the kids but she also is under the impression that he deserves to step out because SHE had so many children. So low energy mom and high energy rearing for sex every day dad. Could his time not be better spent using that energy for something positive rather than telling his wife he wants to cheat on her?
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Old 04-15-2011, 08:09 PM   #62 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

Going there is a very bad idea. Everyone has given some excellent reasons. Unfortunately, I was married to man for more than 20 years who basically had various sexual additions. Without going into all of that saga, I will give you one piece of advice. If you allow this door to be opened, you may as well say good bye to the comfortable life you now know. Your husband will fall in love with one of the mistresses. Then, your husband will toss you and the children. Your husband may never have any intention to leave you, but he WILL stumble upon a mistress who has other ideas. There is no honor among women who date well-to-do married men. They are out to take away what you have--and they will use whatever means they have to in order to accomplish that goal. I know what I'm talking about because I am now the ex wife who is basically "left out in the cold". It's not a place you want to be. Keep that door closed!
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Old 04-15-2011, 09:15 PM   #63 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

I honestly am not trying to be rude. I really do get your position with the sex situation.

Here is what I ( think ) I would do.

Ask husband how often he thinks he would seek out said sex person. Say he responds 3 times a week.. ask him if he would settle for 2 times a week as a comprimse. Then give him sex 2 times a week!!!!!

Seriously would not a 1/2 hr or even an hr 2 times a week be si much easier on you & him then all the emotions your both going to go through?

You are not the only one who sees what a good man you have ( hell I will trade you lol ) and your willing to hand him over to someone else willingly??

Don't kid yourself - he can't find THAT many different women, so in time emotions will get involved.

Also maybe he will sleep with one of your childrens moms, aunts etc and your kids will find out about this down the road.

Just sounds way too messy to me all over afew hours a week on your end.
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Old 04-16-2011, 01:55 AM   #64 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

The OP said that her husband works long hours (60+ a week) yet still manages to find the time to help her around the house and with the children as much as he can.
She also openly admits to having lost her sex drive and finds even twice a week sex a necessary chore that she does not enjoy.

She is trying to find a solution that keeps everyone happy. As I have said in a previous post, lack of sex etc breeds resentment.

The lack of sex in a marriage is the elephant in the room. It has a negative effect on everything else in the marriage..the wife feels guilty, the husband rejected and resentful = the wife feeling resentful etc its a vicious circle.
However, if you remove the sex issue (the 'rotten apple') from the marriage, very often the marriage actually improves.

Why? Because the male is getting what he wants/needs, the wife isn't having to do something she doesn't want or like doing...everyone is happy.

It doesn't make it right....but we live in a real world, not Toytown!
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Old 04-16-2011, 08:52 AM   #65 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

Jezza, you are so right!
If the hubby works 60+ to give her and the four children (which he only had because of the wife) a good life AND he helps out at home....what a jerk he is for wanting sex! LOL
I would KILL to live the priveliged lifestyle so many women get to have! I had an awful wedding and we live in a crappy apartment, because there is no money. If women want to be SAHM with many children, they need to accept that the man has to work a lot to support their lavish life! You can't want to live affluently and then complain that the husband isn't around.
As I mentioned before, resentment seems to be the problem. I would totally resent being badgered into having children or more than I wanted. Maybe the husband knew that sex would go out the window, with so many kids!
The husband feels like he deserves some fun, after breaking his back to provide AND helping with children.
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Old 04-16-2011, 09:14 AM   #66 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

To the OP, if you are really wanting to do this, then of course whatever is said to you here will not matter. So, if you want to do this, I say go ahead and tell your husband (if you haven't already), give him the go ahead, and it will be interesting to see how things are going for you all in a few weeks or months.

I have a feeling its not going to be what you thought, and if you yourself have any resentment already, then if he does this, you will probably have even more.
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Old 04-16-2011, 10:34 AM   #67 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

If your husband works so many hours and still finds time for recreation AND wants stray sexual partners while you get to kid wrangle to exhaustion; then your marriage is zooming towards destruction.

You need to rebalance the equation.

Hire a sitter and enlist your husband's help.

Catch up on rest and your libido will return.

Do not agree for your husband to screw around.

And if I were you I would suspect he is already and just wants to not admit it or hide it anymore.

What's he doing that requires 60 hours a week?

Does your lifestyle require that extra time?

Maybe adjust your lifestyle so he can be home more.
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Old 04-16-2011, 10:38 AM   #68 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

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And if I were you I would suspect he is already and just wants to not admit it or hide it anymore.


This actually crossed my mind as well.
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Old 04-16-2011, 10:56 AM   #69 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

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This actually crossed my mind as well.
Ditto!

I think the husband is playing some mind games with this one. Just another case of having the ole "cake and eating it too". Only he is going to get approval from her and make her accept the blame.
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Old 04-16-2011, 11:25 AM   #70 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

When your husband asked your permission to go outside of the marriage for sex, how did it make you feel? Like a slap in the face? Like a slap to the marriage as a whole?

I don't care how much he works or what he does for you and the kids etc. You work too, you have 4 kids. You are tired and now have a lower sex drive due to your responsibility of being a mother/wife, but yet his sex drive is higher with being a husband/father and he wants more and more. Odd his is high, and does so much and your is low but yet you do alot to. Whats keeping his so high I wonder?

With all of these hours he works,what exactly does he do? Has he always worked hours like this? Or is this new? Having sex with him twice a week isn't unreasonable, and like alot of people on this board, would be thrilled to get just that!

I have to wonder like a few others have said, its possible he has already stepped outside fo the marriage, and just looking for you to go along with it, so he no longer has to hide it. I would think juggling a 60 hour work week job, and trying to be a father/husband in his homelife would be hard enough, so if in fact he was already having sex with others and hiding it, then thats bound to make it harder. I guess in his mind if you knew about it, then to him it would take the pressure off of what he is doing and having to hide it.

I'm not saying 100% for sure this is what he is doing, but I do think its possible. And also, if he isn't already, well sounds like he has a interest in someone that might be willing to help him entertain his idea.
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Old 04-16-2011, 12:59 PM   #71 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

I don't know that you have to consider allowing your husband to have sex outside of the marriage, because its pretty apparent that if he is asking your permission to do this, then either;

A.) He already is doing this, and wants to ease his guilt about sneaking it, by getting you to agree to it.

OR

B.) He must already have a potential person lined up that is willing to do this with him.
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Old 04-17-2011, 06:02 AM   #72 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

I agree 100% with Neil.
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Old 04-17-2011, 07:53 AM   #73 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

What do you think the cause of your drop in libido is?

What kind of medication do you use?

What kind of birth control do you use?

Have you had any kind of endocrine work up for sex hormone levels?
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Old 04-17-2011, 01:52 PM   #74 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

I agree with others who say he is already cheating. No doubt. His mentioning his "idea" to his wife is a way to ease guilt and to make it less stressful on him having to sneak around. Him, him and him.
Also, 60 hours a week working isn't "breaking his back". In this day and age and in this economy, the 40 hour work week is a myth. Most people I know work way more than 50 hours a week. For 3 years my husband worked 70+ hours a week and that was to keep his job, not provide a "lavish lifestyle" for us.
In the OP's case, she has 4 kids under the age of 5. She is working 24 hours a day. 7 days a week. He isn't working harder than her, he just has her convinced that he is and "deserves" to have his cake and eat it too. His entire childhood framed this logic. A gaggle of selfish men who went outside their marriages to get what they wanted. A very telling part of her post was that the Mom/Aunts "tolerated" the mistresses. If that doesn't sound like veiled resentment I don't know what does and that will be her.
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Old 04-17-2011, 07:59 PM   #75 (permalink)
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Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

Boy this is interesting.
I'm with you if your husband is the man you have described and you love him and trust him. Well let him enjoy his free time how ever he want to. As long as you both put in a fail safe. So if this does bother you it will stop or if he need you you will be their for him and not reject him. Could their be problems sure, but the fact is that a problem could arise either way.
My guess is if you let him go on this journey he will come home to roost. Sex is just Sex , BUT LOVE now that is some thing special. Some guys cheat on their wife in many way and just not with sex. Gambling, playing sports, fising cars whatever. I think he has already give you the greaest complement of all. How look at the list of thing he does that you said he did.
The man is great he is not looking to leave you or have an affair he would have done that by now.
I have read the post to your thread and most of the responces are full of personal issues from them. I can see your ready for this to happen so if this is true than tell right now that you give him what he has requested. See how this will cause him to love you even more.
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