Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 197 (permalink) Old 04-22-2011, 07:02 PM
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Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

a relationship is not a relationship unless it involvesregualr sex. not just sex, but wanting to have sex with your SO.

you CANNOT be in love with someone unless you actively WANT to have sex with them.

so id say, that I doubt your in love with your husband. its not your libido, I bet you think about sex all the time. If brad pitt walked into your bedroom and threw you on the bed, I doubt it would a "chore" to sleep with him. and the fact that youur thinking about letting your husband go outside the marriage proves that you are not in love with him. if my wife was like you i would tell her that I am going to have sex outside of the relationship too because I WILL NOT live a sexless life. and if my wife got mad, I would say "why do you care/, you dont even want me"

and that is just it, you dont care because you dont want him.
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post #77 of 197 (permalink) Old 04-22-2011, 07:42 PM
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Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

My .02...

She stated the the multiple weekly sex sessions are a chore for her. She has no desire other than to be an available receptical. Don't get me wrong, that is great that she is willing to do that for him and other men would love that arrangement. If I was able to have sex 7 days a week with my wife and it was nothing more than her laying there... I'd get very tired of it. Even if she throws a few moans in for good measure... I could tell if she was just going through the motions...

I can get the "motions" from my hand but that doesn't meet my intimacy needs.

This couple seems to have a great relationship that involves alot of communication and honesty. I would think that the OP would have mentioned any problems in their marriage or insecurities if she had any.

Obviously, it would be best if there was a magic boost for her libido that would help her enjoy and share intimacy in this manner with her husband but that doesn't exist. I think the idea should be thoroughly discussed between the two of them. Pick up a few books on open marriages. There are alot of different suggestions for contracts and groundrules that they may not have thought about yet.
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post #78 of 197 (permalink) Old 04-22-2011, 11:38 PM
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Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

I haven't seen this angle brought up, although, I admit I did sort of skim the last couple of pages...

He's working 60hr/wk.
He's "taking care" of her family.
He's home sometimes providing at least a modicum of emotional support.
Disease aside, who is this woman that is going to agree to have sex with him without him having to "woo" her? Without demanding a significant portion of his already limited "free" time?
And if it becomes just 1 woman, the door is even more open for the possibility of the emotional attachment everyone else has already mentioned.
OK, if it's a different woman every time, what kind of woman will they all be?
Or if it is often an above street level prostitute, that will get quite expensive and probably reduce the lifestyle you are accustomed to, and praising him so much for.

I believe even if he truly is in it for the sex only, and you are willing to let him go out for the sex only, it's inevitable that you will lose more of what you are getting (and want) than just the sex.
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post #79 of 197 (permalink) Old 04-23-2011, 12:03 AM
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Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

all these people that congratulate the wife for let him have sex with her a couple times a week. and no they ARE NOT having sex...she is LETTING HIM have sex with her. she IS NOT having sex...he is. what man wants that? he is pretty much using his wife to masturbate into... she mine a well be a "real doll" (google it) If that was me...that would make me feel so far from my wife I wouldnt even recognize her. and dont be confused. this situation is chipping away his feelings and connection to her piece by piece. which is why he is bringing up the open marriage thing. all an open marriage is letting married finely have with people they want to have sex with while still getting the comfort of marriage. ask people in open marriage. 'would you guys make if one of you demanded to close to relationship again?" I bet about 95% say "not a chance"
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post #80 of 197 (permalink) Old 04-23-2011, 09:03 AM
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Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

To the OP, hows things? You haven't posted back.

"When people are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's when they will make a change."
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post #81 of 197 (permalink) Old 04-23-2011, 05:30 PM
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Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

For my wife and I (no kids) we have sex every other day but on the days we do have sex its sometimes twice in that day, the first one in her mouth (after skipping a day so the volume is high) and then later on in the night having sex.

I would say that if his labido is really high twice a day is not to much to ask, if the kids are that much to watch why dont you get a part time job and hire a full time nanny (if you have an extra room let the nanny stay there for reduced payment, maybe bunk bed the kids to accomodate this). Then one of you needs to get fixed or perform more oral and get on a pill, there is no reason to be having 4 kids unless you have a farm to put the kids to work otherwise 4 kids is just an expensive burden, only in modern days would some think of that comment I just made as negitive, back in the day kids were assets now days we have converted them into liabilities which is a real shame, by shifting the roles and responsibilities and how much kids in the USA in modern times are coddled. If you are sacraficing your relationship with your husband over your kids your in the wrong, kids do NOT come before your spouse period they are off spring.

That being said I would never do the swinger thing but the posts I have read are wrong in their context that he is selfish, I think you are dropping the ball on your wifely duties and if you just accept that this is how it is you may in fact be dealing with a divorce and dont expect his 60 hrs a week to continue if he is paying child support, both your qualities of life will go way down, the whole child support game is a train wreck, men will avoid it to the ends of the earth and you will have to get a full time job and put the kids in day care and get sporatic court arm twisting CS payments.

Its a funny thing that men dont like working for free with uncle sam and child support funeling off more than 50% of their income, not much incentive there to work OT let alone work at all (unless its under the table)

I have seen this play out and it leads to complete ruin, so much easier to just put out. My wife and I helped a friend that was going through this exact thing and my wife got to see the ruin it caused and it also led to my divorce in the past, and she said geez all this for something that was so easy to fix.

Do you let him cum in your mouth, do you swallow, maybe try giving him a rim job, something that does not involve him cumming inside you, maybe start with sex and finish with oral, etc.

You dont want to go down this road of swinging or a divorce or having a dissatisfied husband. Maybe the kids need some harsh disipline if they are running amock when you are trying to get it on.

Remember your husband comes first and the kids second, you might need to get a regular baby sitter for the 18 month old so you can do it every day and maybe make the second time that day a quickie, theres ways to make it work you just have to be willing and be smart about it, the kids should not be running your life your the parents, that 5 year old can be belted if they are way out of control.

Modern society has totally warped child disipline.
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post #82 of 197 (permalink) Old 04-26-2011, 11:53 PM
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Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

First of all....EWWW.....thats disgusting that u would even consider it. I'm sorry if that is harsh but it would break my heart for my husband to ask to have sex with another woman. What is the point of being married? Don't you love him at all? Apparently not in my opinion if u are willing to share him....and then on top of it, you are not allowed to ask about the affairs? Hmmm....ok? Can u really be happy knowing that ur hubby is boinking another woman? I guess marriage means different things to different people because to me it means being faithful and enough for one another....
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post #83 of 197 (permalink) Old 04-27-2011, 10:01 PM
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Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

OK, my two cents. I think I understand your situation as I am living it. But on the H side. Probably michzz is right, stating that he might be saying twice a day just to make you have it more often with him, not that this is bad, just lake of communications skill and trying to manipulate the situation a bit. I donít blame him for trying because his needs are not being fulfilled. Now, fulfillment; even your husband might not be aware of this, but for me, my lack (btw once a week if I'm lucky and I would be able for twice a day) is for my wife to show me that she wants me, likes me, likes my body and what I have to offer. Itís for her to make advance to me, not always me chasing. If your H is emotional pattern is physical, than even if you would give him every day and he makes the advance every time, he would soon be confused and feeling the same way after a few weeks. I disagree that he goes elsewhere, because he will leave that for sure. Be honest to yourself and to him on how much you can give him, donít let him go outside the marriage, and once established, chase him down a morning or afternoon for some hot sex, although youíre not in the moon, it will makes a huge difference for him.
I know you said that he was the perfect husband, but... is it possible that heís not feeling some of you need??? You might not be aware that you have hole not being fulfil... Have you read The Five Love Language? I would recommend this for you and your H (audio version available).
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post #84 of 197 (permalink) Old 05-07-2011, 03:38 PM
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Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

Every man is different. Every woman is different. To take the words of ANY respondent as an automatic mirror of your husbands feeling on anything would be a mistake on your part. You are his wife . And as such should know him better than anybody and be able to gauge any replies according to his unique beliefs , background, and personality.

That being said. I for one DO NOT feel that a woman "cannot" love a man if she does not wish to have sex with him. That conclusion is drawn by the poster as his personal opinion and beliefs and does not speak for "every" man. I also do not agree that the "point" of marriage is having sex with one another and that without it there is no reason to a marriage. I married to have someone to share LIFE with; sex is a very small part of the totality of what that means in my book. I DO agree with rppearso ; all parties concerned lose when divorce happens and there are many men who suddenly "opt out " of suceeding when faced with the prospect of not being able to retain the fruits (court orders for the relinquishing of a large portion). So a prospective divorcee and her children are not even certain of that shallow compensation for their entire previous life.

And for what? ...."for what" ultimately is the question. The measure will lie in what your husband considers sex as. You've heard a list of people tell you that for them its the measure of being married, being accepted, cherished - all kinds of things . But what is it TO HIM. For me, sex is not love. It might occur with someone I love but to have it does not imply love. It implies I'm horney. It implies I want relief. It might even imply I want a certain kind of relief. But it doesn't "equal" love. A million men and women have sex with people they don't love every day . So that is not rare. Some of them even have sex with people they don't LIKE. Sex that they enjoy. Sex that they have on an ongoing basis. Because it is a PHYSICAL release that PHYSICALLY feels really really good. When I was young I had sex with a certain girl without EVER dating her formally for 3 years. I wouldn't even have told you we were sexually involved I was so far from wanting "her" . Many years later, as a married man I had an affair with a woman that I knew had sex with other men . I pretended "I had no idea" because I did not care 6 cents who she slept with as long as I got mine. Would I have left my wife for her? Jesus christ no. Why sleep with her then ? Cuz she was (as they say) " a nasty freak" and I wanted nasty freak. Where there other issues in our marriage? Yes . And probably the thing you want to do more than anything else is TALK -really talk if its possible- to your husband and find out all of whats going on with him. There is likely "something" . It might not be that he already is cheating. (It wasnt' with me) but "something" that he is not/does not want to disclose/is afraid to disclose is probably up.

Does sex with some other woman though equal your marriage ending ? No. Not unless it may already without it.

Be careful listening to accusations that "he is already cheating ". A suspicious woman is an easy push for a guy who has issues with being trusted.

I would say that your guy at least deserves points for bringing the thought/want of sex with somoene else out in the open . Most guys won't do this . They do lie and cheat.

To me, a man doing what your husband is attempting to do is not "trying to get permission to cheat". He's trying to make sure he doesn't cheat. Cheating is dishonesty and secrecy. And taking something from you that you thought you could depend on in your relationship . - The ability to trust him.

Your husband -in my book- is struggling to make sure you KEEP that. Its why he brought it to you.

Last edited by Unexpected Outlook; 05-07-2011 at 03:48 PM.
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post #85 of 197 (permalink) Old 05-07-2011, 04:10 PM
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Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

My husband's sexual drive is in the toilet right now too. We are separated but married with no plans for divorce. We just live in separate homes. He alone, me with the kids.

To give you an idea of what kind of relationship we have: He was just here at my apartment and he's picking me up later to go out to dinner and I spent all day yesterday with him kayaking and last weekend we went away together boating on Lake George.

During the week I'm with the kids at my apartment and he is at his house. We rarely see each other during the week.

My sex drive is a lot higher than his right now. He's a recovering alcoholic and has "issues". I like to have sex both days on the weekends and be groping each other like mad in between. He just wants to keep it "like friends" even though he says he's turned on by me. It's a source of irritation and frustration for me but I'm trying to work through it and be understanding.

That said, I would NEVER think to ask him to "get it someplace else." I couldn't imagine doing so or wanting to do it. Marriage is for "better and for worse" and there is no license for infidelity. Marriage is about monogamy and loyalty. We all have our problems and sometimes it makes things "inconvenient" both physically and emotionally. In my marriage we've had to deal with mental illness, alcoholism and now his low sex drive. It's not good but we DO love each other and are trying to come to grips with ourselves and with each other. He's dealt with me and my problems in the past and now it's my problems. So if sex isn't something that he finds important than I'll give him the space that he needs and hope things get better. I'd NEVER just go down to the local bar or log onto because my physical needs aren't being met because the rest of my relationship is doing fairly well and improving. As was pointed out, sex is just ONE part of the tapestry of our marriage.

As for your situation, you have FOUR kids and that'll take the stuffing out of any mother. But you do have a husband too and he's a human being whose needs need to be met. There has to be SOME compromise here. For one, you need to set aside a "date night" where you can focus on each other as a couple. Not be a mother, but a WIFE and attend to his needs in that capacity.

That said, he needs to be a HUSBAND and that means remaining faithful to his marital vows. Right now you are both acting selfish when it comes to EACH OTHER. You need to find common ground. If sex twice a day isn't reasonable (sounds a bit much to me) how about twice a WEEK? And during those times you need to put forth more effort then just laying down on the bed and spreading your legs.

So how about working out a compromise before acting like this is some sort of chess game?

D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013
And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
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Last edited by Freak On a Leash; 05-07-2011 at 04:14 PM.
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post #86 of 197 (permalink) Old 05-08-2011, 08:51 AM
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Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

I had a similar arrangement with my ex boyfriend (long term boyfriend, and the reason we broke up had nothing to do with it). It worked really well. But the key thing is you need to find out if your partner is one of those people for whom sex = love. Luckily my ex was not one of those people (nor am I) so it worked like a charm. He would go out whenever he felt the need, get a root, and then come home and shower. I didn't ask any questions - don't really want to hear the gory details hahahaha. But in the end it was great because it stopped him whining at me, and it got his needs met. And emotionally it worked well because there was no resentment from him towards me (since im not into sex).. he just got that need fulfilled elsewhere. Someone else got the booty, and I got the lovin He never got any emotional connection from his friends-with-benefits, he just got a root and thats it!

So it works great, but I'm sure there would be complications if either one of you believes that sex = love.
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post #87 of 197 (permalink) Old 05-15-2011, 11:24 AM
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Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

A big NO. Having sex with another woman will bring your husband closer to her.
You might have a clear set of rules between you and your husband, but these rules won't apply to her. If you are willing for another woman to have sex with your husband, get ready to expect the worse... and you will only have yourself to blame when it all goes "belly up". No sympathy from me here...
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post #88 of 197 (permalink) Old 05-15-2011, 11:27 AM
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Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

a relationship is not a relationship unless it involvesregualr sex. not just sex, but wanting to have sex with your SO.

you CANNOT be in love with someone unless you actively WANT to have sex with them.
I second that. Otherwise it is just a FRIENDSHIP, or a brother/sister relationship.
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post #89 of 197 (permalink) Old 05-17-2011, 12:49 AM
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Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

Have you ever thought about getting him help? I mean twice a day everyday? You've gotta be kidding me! Maybe he's a sex addict. Apparently, it's a real disease. Like drug and alcohol addiction.

Or, maybe he already had sex with other women and now wants your permission so he doesn't feel like he cheated after all.

Your rules kind of contradict themselves too. How can a man have sex with a person everyday and not become emotionally attatched? It's not like they won't talk at all. There will be conversation. Or, so that doesn't happen, he's supposed to have multiple partners? If he finds different women everyday to go to bed with him, they are prostitutes. I don't care how good looking your husband is. No self respecting woman is going to jump in the sack just because some cute, horny guy asked her to.

I don't understand how you are not appauled about this. I think that if my husband would have even brought that kind of thing up to me, I'd throw him out on his ass. But, you think you need him to take care of you. Or, you like him taking care of your every need.

Now, the more I think about this, I can see both sides. But either way the outcome is still the same. YOU NEVER ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN! Not if you wanna stay with this man. I understand that you're tired, and what he's asking seems to be too much. But, he is fine with taking care of everything for you emotionally, financilly, physically, everything. You don't even have to work. So, now I think, he's bending over backwards for you, working 60+ hours a week. Maybe you should be ready and willing whenever he wants.

Actually, that may be my ending opinion. Girl, he's doing it all for you and all he wants is to romp a couple times a day? (Not to mention sex isn't a one way street, you'll enjoy it too.) If you want to keep the perfect life you have now, LET HIM HAVE IT!
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post #90 of 197 (permalink) Old 05-17-2011, 08:42 AM
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Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

You know what? You're solution is right here in this forum! With all the HD wives with LD husbands, all you have to do is hook the wife up with your husband. If he came over to my house a few times a week, both of our marriages would be great! lol
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