Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Like Tree1Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 04-15-2011, 06:38 AM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 26
Default Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

[B]My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We're both in our early 30's and have 4 kids; the oldest is 5 and the youngest is 18 months. My husband has always had a very high sex drive. He wants sex at least twice a day. Before we had kids, I was happy to oblige, but now it's become extremely difficult for me to meet his needs. Not only is it hard to have frequent sex because of the kids, but my libido has plunged while his seems to be growing even stronger. Right now, we're averaging about twice a week, and I do it mostly just to please him. It's not that he's not good in bed or doesn't care about pleasing me; he really tries to make it good for me, but I just don't really feel much desire to have sex. Every now and then I'll be aroused, but that's becoming increasingly rare. Naturally, that has affected the quality of the sex that we do have. We do it mostly in one position, and I can't even begin to entertain his kinky fantasies. I give him blowjobs but that doesn't really help, it just makes him want to have intercourse even more.

My husband has made it clear that he needs more and/or better sex, and we seem to be at an impasse because i'm not willing (or able) to give him more than I'm already giving him. I've been to my doctor and a sex therapist and they've told me that there's nothing abnormal about me; my libido seems to have just naturally settled at its current low point. The kids keep me busy but i don't work so i don't feel like I'm under a crazy amount of stress or anything. I've just lost interest in sex.

My husband has asked my permission to go outside the marriage to have his needs met. He's suggested a number of ground rules, e.g., he must be discreet, no overnight stays with other women unless he's traveling on business, no dates or social outings with other women, he must use protection, he can't bring other women into our house, no sex with anyone that I know personally, no street-level prostitutes, etc. The only rule I would be subject to is that I can't ask about his extramarital sex life (sort of like a "don't ask, don't tell" policy). This kind of thing is apparently not unusual in his family, since his father and uncles had mistresses that their wives knew about but put up with.

He's a wonderful man and we have a great relationship in every other respect. He helps out around the house and with the kids, he's affectionate, he's a great father, he works very hard (60+ hours/week) to support us and our lifestyle (I have some expensive tastes), and he's good to my family. I can't think of a single thing I've ever asked him to do that he hasn't done. He's good looking and very active (he still finds time to work out regularly and maintain a great body despite his hectic schedule), which is why I think he'd have no trouble meeting women for NSA sex if I were to greenlight this arrangement.

Obviously I'm not thrilled about the idea of my husband having sex with other women. On the other hand, our sex life has declined to the point where sex is like just another chore for me. Perhaps it would be a relief for both of us if he could have his needs met elsewhere. We love each other and our children very much, so divorce is not really an option.

Any advice would be appreciated.

EDIT 1: A lot of people have said this indicates that my husband is selfish. I think I should clarify why I disagree, and maybe shed some more light on why I'm actually considering this.

When I said my husband is good to my family, I don't just mean that he's courteous and gets along with them. Four years ago, our family was hit with dual tragedies in the span of two weeks: my sister's husband died in a car accident and my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. My sister was left penniless and uneducated with a 4 year old son to support. My husband helped her get back on her feet, paid for her to go to nursing school, and has acted as a father figure to my nephew. As for my mother, my husband insisted that she move in with us so that he could help with her care (my father died a while ago and I have no other siblings). Because I was pregnant with my third child and nursing my second, I couldn't attend to my mother as much as I wanted. My husband was there for her more than I was; he tended to her, took her to her doctor's appointments, and even stayed with her in the hospital as she recovered from her surgery. My mom credits him with having saved her life (she's now in remission).

The other aspect of it is that my husband didn't want to have this many kids, he only wanted two at the most. I'm the one who wanted four kids and I still want more, and he has completely deferred to my wishes (though he now says he couldn't imagine a life without our 4 children). He had wanted me to be a working woman but I told him I just wanted to be a stay at home mom and raise my kids, and he acquiesced to my wishes and has never put pressure on me to work, instead working more hours himself to provide me with the lifestyle I want.

So I guess I kind of feel guilty that he's sacrificed way more in this marriage than I have. Because of what he's done for my mom, sister and nephew, I would never even think of leaving him even if I caught him cheating on me. So what's the harm if I allow him this vice? Coupled with the fact that my wish to have a lot of kids is partly the reason why we don't have sex as often, I guess I'm seeing this as a way to even things out and make me feel like this isn't such a one-sided relationship. My husband didn't put it that way when he brought this up, but that's how I'm spinning it to myself. It may sound weird, but that's how I feel.

EDIT 2: See my post on page 8 for an update on how things turned out.

Last edited by Maya627; 08-23-2011 at 10:21 PM.
Maya627 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 04-15-2011, 07:00 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 180
Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

No No and No.

Scenario.

you agree, he then has sex with someone. Thinks ooh, that was good, she was hot. Let's do that again. and again,and again,and again, and before you know it she is meeting his emotional needs too, and when you thought you were being helpful to him by agreeing to it, he takes of with the woman and sets up a new life. *EDIT, and it will be all your fault by AGREEING to let him do it


DON'T even go their. He has Hands doesn't he? He doesn't get NOTHING does he? What a selfish ****
Neil is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-15-2011, 07:29 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,312
Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

NO WAY
For the following reasons

- Risk of falling in love
He could very well end up falling in love with someone else.

-Risk of STD's
even people who are very careful catch these

-risk of unwanted pregnancy
Again people are careful, but it happens all the time.

-risk of children finding out
Children are a lot smarter then you think, very cluey. What value will they place on marriage and women if they find out he is doing this?

-Risk of other people finding out

How will you feel if friends and family find out about this?

-Reality of him not caring about you and only his sexual needs.
How will you feel that your husband is having his needs met by someone else, and didn't love you enough to really work on this with you?

The biggest one is the way he seems to view relationships and women. He seems to see them as interchangeable and disposable, because that is the example he has gotten from his family of origin. Women are people with complex emotions and feelings, and he has been taught that it is OK to use them for sex

I would really look at your relationship. Think long and hard about what does turn you on , and think about if he could meet those needs.

Do you really want to be married to a man who would do this to you?
Syrum is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-15-2011, 07:43 AM   #4 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 26
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Neil View Post
No No and No.

Scenario.

you agree, he then has sex with someone. Thinks ooh, that was good, she was hot. Let's do that again. and again,and again,and again, and before you know it she is meeting his emotional needs too, and when you thought you were being helpful to him by agreeing to it, he takes of with the woman and sets up a new life. *EDIT, and it will be all your fault by AGREEING to let him do it


DON'T even go their. He has Hands doesn't he? He doesn't get NOTHING does he? What a selfish ****
You make a valid point but I don't think it's fair to call my husband selfish. He takes great care of me and our family and works hard so that I don't have to (I told him that I don't want to work, and he's never pressured me to). Like I said, he's a wonderful man in every respect, this is the only area in which our relationship is lacking.
Posted via Mobile Device
Maya627 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-15-2011, 08:16 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 180
Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maya627 View Post
You make a valid point but I don't think it's fair to call my husband selfish. He takes great care of me and our family and works hard so that I don't have to (I told him that I don't want to work, and he's never pressured me to). Like I said, he's a wonderful man in every respect, this is the only area in which our relationship is lacking.
Posted via Mobile Device
and the fact that you have 4 kids, ranging from 18 months to 5 years...

No wonder you are not the twice a day wife you were.

He may very well be decent in all other parts of the relationship, but its down right disrespectful and it is selfish to ask you to have sex with someone else because you don't give it him more than twice a week (Believe it or not, some family men would love to be in his position with a house full of kids that age range and STILL get it twice a week).

It all about him, you don't come into it, the fact he has asked your permission doesn't even come close to coming across as being respectful. he will be having sex with someone else, and doesn't even want to be questioned about it. So when he does, you are left wondering, where is he, whats he doing, whos he ****ing tonight. You maybe on the verge of letting him do this, but have you thought about how you would think when he actually carries it out?

By all means, make the excuses, but don't then complain when he is out shagging everyone else and you get none even when you do want it.
Neil is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-15-2011, 08:47 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
trey69's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,204
Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

The first word that came to mind when reading your post was, SELFISH! That's how your husband is acting right now.

He should consider himself lucky that he was still having sex twice a week, alot of people don't even have that. He has no regards for your feelings on the matter, I mean you do have 4 kids.

If he is that hell bent on wanting more sex, then divorce him and he can all he wants. Obviously his priorities are not within the marriage/family.
__________________
"When people are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's when they will make a change."
trey69 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-15-2011, 09:26 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 137
Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

I understand the temptation to want to tell him yes - it would be easier for both of you - his "needs" would be met and you would be off the hook for trying to rouse up some kind of desire to have sex with him. But, please don't give in. Him having sex with other women will not fix this in your relationship. It will only bring in new fears, new questions, new problems. You guys will get through this. He can take care of himself during the times you guys have sex - he is lucky to be getting it two times a week. Taking care of 4 children is exhausting work, especially when they are all under the age of 5!!! It is great that he provides and supports you in other areas of your marriage, but he needs to support you in this one too!! Maybe you guys should plan a weekend away from the kids and rest up before hand so you can have sex all weekend long!
lbell629 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-15-2011, 09:41 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 2,911
Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

It's hard for a woman to get sexually attracted to a man when she is home taking care of 4 kids and he is out working 60 hours / week and finding even more time to work out. The lack of time kills the emotional connection.

Another comment is that 2x per day is unreasonable by nearly anyone's standards. I truly think the quantity can be negotiated if you are more willing to demonstrate to him that you truly value him. And that you truly recognize that his needs are important to him on a deep emotional level, and that this is not something you disdain as him just needing to get off.

So before green lighting this marriage killing arrangement...
Work on deepening your romantic and emotional connection through more together time, more fun activities etc.
Hicks is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-15-2011, 10:03 AM   #9 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Red Riding Hood's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 15
Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

If my H wanted this, I would never be able to agree to it and keep my self-respect (and it wouldn't help my respect of him either.)

~ Red
Red Riding Hood is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-15-2011, 10:08 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
okeydokie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,169
Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

is he just being alpha?

twice a week would be heaven for me, but if she wasnt into it and i sensed it was service sex than i would not really want it.

letting him go somewhere else is lazy on both of your parts, you both have to work and compromise
okeydokie is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-15-2011, 10:12 AM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Therealbrighteyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 6,647
Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

I have no idea why you do not find his behavior selfish. None. Here is the tipping point for me, sex with random people using protection does not protect against Herpes or a host of other STD's. Skin to skin contact is how it is transferred and a condom doesn't protect always protect against that. Apparently your health is of little concern to this man. His needs are way more important.
Therealbrighteyes is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-15-2011, 10:50 AM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,879
Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

Is it possible this is a poor attempt by your husband to get you to want sex more often?
michzz is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-15-2011, 11:10 AM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 158
Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

I can see both sides of this, She hasn't indicated that she is willing to work with him on this either. I do not believe in going outside the marriage. I would rather end one if necessary. My advice would be to offer 3x a week and make an effort to be more involved in the process. 95% of the married men out there would love this frequency. But anything other than her would be out of the question.

As a man their is a physical but also emotional attachment to sex. The physical part is easy and most could take care of themselves. Going outside the marriage will lead to a loss of emotional connection for him and will damage the marriage.
bill2011 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-15-2011, 11:14 AM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
MGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: US
Posts: 386
Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maya627 View Post
This kind of thing is apparently not unusual in his family, since his father and uncles had mistresses that their wives knew about but put up with.
This is interesting. I'm surprised no one has commented on this. Since he grew up seeing this situation with "mistresses" in his family, does he believe this is the "norm" for marriages? I can actually slightly see how he thinks this is acceptable, since he's grown up around it and it was tolerated by the wives.That doesn't *make* it acceptable, but it may help to understand what he's thinking. In his family, if the men had higher drives than their wives, the simple solution was to find a mistress, rather than work on a compromise in the marriage. This is likely his mindset and pattern of thinking.

Again, that's doesn't make it okay, but it may help you communicate better with him if you understand his thought patterns. I personally think that sitting down and working on a compromise and adjusting expectations is a better solution, but that may not be something he's considered, based on his family history. You may need to approach the subject. Just a thought

Finding another outlet for him would be the *easy* solution for both of you...takes the responsibility off your shoulders, he gets what he thinks he needs. Is it the best solution? No. The best things in life are the things you put the most work into--if you want a great marriage, you'll have to both fight for it, not settle for the easy route. Just my opinion, though.
__________________
Women are made to be loved, not understood. - Oscar Wilde

Last edited by MGirl; 04-15-2011 at 11:19 AM.
MGirl is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-15-2011, 11:28 AM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
2nd_t!me iz_best's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Off to Never Never Land
Posts: 4,280
Default Re: Considering allowing my husband to have sex outside the marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by bill2011 View Post
She hasn't indicated that she is willing to work with him on this either.
umm, i think taking care of 4 children under 5 all day every day and still managing to squeeze out twice a week even if she is not feeling in the mood for it IS showing a LOT of willingness to work with him.

it doesnt sound like a good idea to me for the same reasons mentioned here...
sti's
emotional for you
his possibly becoming very emotionally involved with one of the other women
one of the other women becoming pregnant (with making pretty decent $ if one of the other women become emotionally attached an "accident" becomes very possible)

im sure there are at least a few others i missed.
2nd_t!me iz_best is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Allowing things to happen vs. taking chances? GA HEART General Relationship Discussion 16 12-03-2012 09:37 AM
Coolidge Effect/Allowing a Mistress blisseskisses Coping with Infidelity 37 02-25-2012 02:09 AM
The Joy it brings & importance of "allowing" our Partner to turn us on to love making SimplyAmorous Sex in Marriage 23 01-13-2012 05:55 PM
Allowing my female roommate's BF to come over JetFalcon General Relationship Discussion 8 11-02-2011 03:56 PM
he "broke it off" but still allowing her to explain herself. Dee4204 Coping with Infidelity 2 03-23-2010 12:07 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:29 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.