YoungBuck

I have a question. In our 6 month marriage my wife and I have had sex 5 times. And 0 times in the last 3 1/2 months. We had a discussion about this a couple of weeks ago and she completely blames her lack of drive on her anxiety meds. Which I understand completely.

From what I understand about the human mind/body. Sex drive or libido is how often a person thinks about sex and/or wants it. Whereas arousal is a physiological response to some sort of sexual stimuli. For instance kissing, groping, visual ques, ect. causing vaginal lubrication or a male erection.

Here's my question. Does the fact that my wifes anxiety meds kill her sex drive mean that she can't become aroused if she wanted or enjoy sex?
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MEM11363

I posted this in your other thread. How is this different from what you are asking? If you do not get her to "prioritize you" soon, you are going to live a celibate life. And yes this is about being prioritized. If the average "LD" partner refuses to allow their HD partner to arouse them when they are in the mood, the result IS a sexless marriage. Not "it might be", it "will be" a sexless marriage - meaning less than 10 times a year. Which is actually worse than zero because you are always hoping and almost always disappointed.


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YB,
You might want to have a whole different conversation with her and it goes like this:

I accept that your desire level is way lower than mine. In order for us to come to a compromise that works for both of us, we need to come up with a way for you to help me learn how to get you in the mood, when you start out feeling no desire. Maybe that starts with a massage, maybe a long round of kissing. The idea that you have to "start out" feeling horny is not going to work because you almost never do. If you love me, you will make the effort for us to find a way to "get you in the mood" and I need you to show that commitment to the marriage.

And then shut up and let her talk. Ultimately if my W of 20+ years had said "sex only happens when I start out feeling horny" she would be my ex-wife because that is a very selfish thing to say in a marriage.

YB - if you aren't careful she is going to continue to totally deprioritize your needs.

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DennisNLA

I agree with mem. You need to have an open and honest conversation about your needs and sex. Your wife is the only person on this planet that can meet your need for sexual intimacy. Talk to her, and tell her that she needs to meet this emotional need for you. There are many acts she can do even if she is not in the mood. Make these acceptable for you.

Youngbuck you also need to make sure you are meeting her emotional needs in the marriage, be the best husband you can be.

magnoliagal

Look this is why I won't take anxiety meds. I still want to have sex I just can't enjoy it. It messes up my ability to orgasm easily. I still want my husband though. It's just not as much fun for me. I agree with MEM if you don't get her to prioritize you soon this will not end well.

MGirl

Has she been back to the doctor? She really needs to talk to her doctor about this as well, in addition to the suggestions you've been given.

__________________
Women are made to be loved, not understood. - Oscar Wilde

greenpearl

I hate pills!

They solve me this problem, but then they bring me a different problem.

I take pills to cure my dizziness, but then I have stomachaches.

I take pills to prevent myself from getting pregnant, but then I feel dizzy!

Now I just do my best not to take pills!

For emotional problems, I study wisdom!

For physical health, I do my best to eat healthy! Hope I don't get sick!

effess

If my wife and I had sex only when she was horny, we would probably have sex twice a year.
Fortunately she understands this doesn't work in a marriage, so despite her low libido, she makes an effort to have sex more routinely with me. I know she's not in the mood, and would probably rather be sleeping than having sex - but because she loves me and knows its important to me - she prioritizes it.
I know its not ideal, and I wish she was crazy horny and had sex with me out of some carnal hunger or desire to be with me instead of duty - but I can appreciate the effort she is making.
And usually, it works out, she normally ends up getting in the mood, and the sex turns out to be good - usually.
But we are both making compromises for this to work. I lower my expectations of her being my own personal nympho-porn star and she makes an effort to initiate sex fairly regularly (the idea is at least once a week) and to not just go through the motions but put some passion into it.
I would say now, after a decade of marriage, we've finally come to a place that sex really isn't a source of contention anymore.

Nicbrownn80

no it does not.

But as most women if your not in the mood then its harder to become in the mood, if you get what I mean

Catherine602

YB I am not taking anxiety meds but I have a lower labido than my high drive husband. He does not ask for sex that's how I like it. It he waited for me to desire sex spontaneously it may be 1 time a week. He needs 4 - 5 times a wk.

We compromise on 3 times sometines 4. Since desire does not come spontaneously for me, my husband arrouses me by a slow approach first non-sexual caresses then progresses to sexual and within 10 mins, I feel desire and we are off to the races. We worked out what I need to become arroused by trail and error.

I really believe that even though desire is not spontaneous for some men and women, it can be coaxed to life. But, the person has to be open to this approarch and the partner has to know what to do. I think that some men are two abrupt in their approach, groping a woman's butt or breast is not foreplay it may anger and annoy. Going for the genatals too soon, may also be a turn off.

Do you think this approach would work for your wife. Why not come up with a plan in stead of just a nebulous talk. Also, I know many men want the woman to initiate so that he feels she desires him. That is natural, I have not been able to do that but I find my husband very sexually attractive. I am working on it. Try not to expect her to initiate for now work on the warm up first then on initiation.

I hope you both can get the ball rolling. You know your wife's personality, may I suggest that you don't ask for sex just warm her up? Let her know that you want to try that as an approach.

Try not to be put off by her initial disinterest. If indeed this does occur, i think as a mature woman she should be welcoming to the man she loves. Any thing less is disrespectful and something you should discuss with her frankly. If she can be cuteous to a clerk in a department store, why can't her husband expect the same? If this indeed occurs, it may be something you want to bring up, in a gentle non-accusatory way.

Point out that you would not treat her that way and she should certainly not treat you, the man she claims to love, especially at a sensitive time. Some compassion and empathy towards her husband is not too much to ask.
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YoungBuck

Yesterday I got the nerve and had this conversation with my wife. I tried to go about it very calmly and tried not to accuse her too much. I pretty much used your example word for word and I suggested the "how to get you in the mood" thing aswell. After I was done explaining it to her I added "this HAS to change". Then she said "or else what?" and I didn't respond. She started crying and pretty much shut me out.

I got her to finally start talking a little. And she said she didn't know what the answer was. So I suggested maybe we go see a counselor, she said absolutely not. Then I asked her if I was fulfilling all of her needs and she said "yes but none of mine would make or break us." Which made me feel like ****. ( but what she doesn't realize is her needs have been met for the last 4 1/2 years while mine have not.)

So what I got from that conversation was: I don't know what to do, I'm not willing to work on it and you're being unreasonable.

Cath, I've been told several times (way before marriage) that a woman is like an oven and a man is like a microwave. So I've always tried to start out rubbing/scratching her back, kissing on her shoulders, moving my hands all over her body (while avoiding the good bits), playing with her hair, kissing her neck ect. To which she usually just lays there motionless not giving any hint that she even enjoys it. When I ask if she does she says yes but otherwise I wouldn't know.
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Runs like Dog

Gave my wifey a great big hug and kissed her neck and told her to drive safely since the weather was bad. Got no reaction. Zero point zero. No movement, no twitch, no words, nada. Well, didn't want to delay her, so I let her go, she drove off. End of story. What-ever.

MGirl

__________________
Women are made to be loved, not understood. - Oscar Wilde

MGirl

Maybe you've already answered this and I missed it, but was she interested in sex at all before you got married? What about when you first got married?

What she's doing is precisely what I did with my husband for the first 4 years of our marriage. I was completely unresponsive to him and nothing he did could turn me on. However, in my case, it was a situation of guilt issues and holding myself back. In her case, I'm still suspecting the medication to be the primary factor.

__________________
Women are made to be loved, not understood. - Oscar Wilde

MEM11363

That was a kind thing to do. You are a good guy. Her response is all about her ummm issues.

MEM11363

YB,
That took real courage, pat yourself on the back. I am old, and have spent my time doing a lot of reading and this is what I have learned.

A loveless marriage where BOTH people have become indifferent to each others needs is not positive but it is not necessarily toxic. What happens is that both people find a way to get most of what they need from life outside the marriage. Now for the HD partner this is a much bigger loss in quality of life than it is for the LD partner. But you can still be sane and at least not actively unhappy.

However, the people who slowly get destroyed in a marriage are the ones who keep loving their partner despite getting little or no love back. Doing THAT will slowly and relentlessly turn you into an angry, bitter person because it will feel so unfair because actually it IS unfair.

There is one step you MUST take at this point so that you can give yourself time to think. Make sure if you have ANY sexual contact with your W you wear a condom. Do not take any chance of her getting pregnant until you have had a long time to think about whether or not you can live in a loveless/sexless marriage with a W who has now directly told you she has no interest in making the effort to really SHOW you love so that you FEEL loved.

If you have even one child with her, she will be utterly certain that that means you will accept a sexless marriage for the rest of your life. Give yourself some time to think about that.

In the meantime you might want to ask yourself a question. Are you willing to dedicate YOUR life to making someone else happy when they clearly are comfortable with YOU being actively unhappy in the process?