Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
That's the other frustr8ed. My wife doesn't promise me and then not deliver. She knows there is an issue and is trying.
Yes, I see myself married to her when the youngest leaves. Unless, the situation doesn't change and I screw up and have an affair or decide I cannot stand it anymore and leave. I won't wait another 11 years.
And she does tell me how wonderful she thinks I am, she just has no sexual desire for me. I know that's counter intuitive, it is for me also.
Bang on (so to speak). I feel guilty that I would consider divorce over this issue when there are so many other important issues in a marriage, that really are OK for us. I really could have done a lot worse for a wife. I feel sort of like a sex maniac just for wanting sex to be a part of my marriage. I know its not unreasonable to feel that way. Financially we'd both be OK after a divorce. Our kids are adults. We're in our mid 50's and I really do think I could find another person and be happy, but I'm scared to death of the whole divorce process, but the status quo is so destructive to the marriage and I am just not able to get past the lack of sex. You know, its really not even about the physical part of the sex. For that, I can masturbate or go to a hooker if was that important. I miss the intimacy and desire that should be there in a marriage and all the other feelings that such things bring. I want to be married to a lover, not a roommate. What to do? What to do?
I hear you brother. It isn't about the act as much as it is the emotional connection. My stbx never was able to grasp that essential concept, and it ended up costing us our marriage.
I honestly think that habbitually denying yourself to your spouse is one of the most corrosive things you can do to a marriage.It shouts "you are not important to me".
In all fairness though it sounds like she's trying to change, and in truth, that's all you can ask of her. Be sure to have her medically checked out, and I wish you and your marriage the best.
LIL Posted via Mobile Device
Does she come to bed with (2) like I posted earlier?
Quote:
Originally Posted by frustr8dhubby
MEM,
That's the other frustr8ed. My wife doesn't promise me and then not deliver. She knows there is an issue and is trying.
Yes, I see myself married to her when the youngest leaves. Unless, the situation doesn't change and I screw up and have an affair or decide I cannot stand it anymore and leave. I won't wait another 11 years.
And she does tell me how wonderful she thinks I am, she just has no sexual desire for me. I know that's counter intuitive, it is for me also.
I will never understand the people who claim they simply do not know why they have no desire or lack of sex. Even after being tested for medical issues and it all comes back fine.
I think this also goes for everything else, not just sex or lack there of. I truly believe people do know why they have done this or that or not. Admitting it, and talking about what that reason is, is a different story though.
And to the OP I'm not saying by no means your wife is one of these people that has claimed she doesn't know why, but just stating I will never understand those that do say that. I do believe people know why they feel the way the do or not.
I agree they know. My dh knew. Took me years to figure it out and even longer for him to admit it outloud to me but he knew.
And she does tell me how wonderful she thinks I am, she just has no sexual desire for me. I know that's counter intuitive, it is for me also.
Hasn't she ever heard of the concept "fake it before you make it?" It's what my therapist tells me to do on things my dh wants but I'm not good at yet. I believe actions precede feelings. It's like dieting or exercise if you wait till you "feel like it" it never happens.
I hear you brother. It isn't about the act as much as it is the emotional connection. My stbx never was able to grasp that essential concept, and it ended up costing us our marriage.
I honestly think that habbitually denying yourself to your spouse is one of the most corrosive things you can do to a marriage.It shouts "you are not important to me".
In all fairness though it sounds like she's trying to change, and in truth, that's all you can ask of her. Be sure to have her medically checked out, and I wish you and your marriage the best.
LIL Posted via Mobile Device
She doesn't really deny herself to me, but I just don't bother any more because my overatures are received like a chore. As if I asked to to clean the cat box. She just has sex with no emotion, passion, intimacy, desire or interest. It is ALWAYS missionary, no foreplay - just get it over with and fall asleep. It is like passionless sex with a log - 6 times a year, as if I am supposed to be satisfied with that!
It is the lack of desire for me that hurts. BTW, I am healthy, clean, well groomed, in shape, good looking and other women seem to be interested in me. I'm not a slob who cares nothing for my appearance, therefore turns her off. I have tons of friends, both male and female and I am not a loser.
I'm not about to sit here and say she is a "bad wife". She is trying. I am mainly trying to find out if I am out of the norm here.
Apparently her friends make it sound like I am some kind of nymphomaniac or something.
That's why they are her friends - they support and will agree with her - guarantee you the story she's feeding them has been exaggerated to make it seem like she's the princess and you're some orge - that's how it usually works.
You're not out of the norm.
The fact that she has readily admitted that she used sex to get and keep guys makes you wonder about her frame of mind when it comes to men and love in general.
Sounds like a self-esteem and confidence issue - usually is when sex is used as a weapon to "get someone."
She sounds pretty straight-laced and not very adventurous - kind of in the box instead of outside the box - some past trauma? Or just uptight?
Only you know and only you can find out. Ask the "hard" questions, you might not like some of the answers, but at least you'll know exactly everything you're dealing with.
I hear you brother. It isn't about the act as much as it is the emotional connection. My stbx never was able to grasp that essential concept, and it ended up costing us our marriage.
I honestly think that habbitually denying yourself to your spouse is one of the most corrosive things you can do to a marriage.It shouts "you are not important to me".
In all fairness though it sounds like she's trying to change, and in truth, that's all you can ask of her. Be sure to have her medically checked out, and I wish you and your marriage the best.
LIL Posted via Mobile Device
Yes I believe she "thinks" she is trying to change, but fact is, nothing has changed in years. So back to my original question, is this a justified reason to divorce and throw everything else into turmoil? Should I just suck it up and say WFH, I have a lot to live for and enjoy the good parts of what we have, and still try to live with it? Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to work as she may divorce me if I don't start treating her better, but I really have a hard time doing that because of the way she treats me sexually?
Yes I believe she "thinks" she is trying to change, but fact is, nothing has changed in years. So back to my original question, is this a justified reason to divorce and throw everything else into turmoil? Should I just suck it up and say WFH, I have a lot to live for and enjoy the good parts of what we have, and still try to live with it? Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to work as she may divorce me if I don't start treating her better, but I really have a hard time doing that because of the way she treats me sexually?
And this is another reason why I decided to end things when I did... If I would have waited, I firmly believe things would have ended up getting nasty. This way, we're still amicable with each other, and the kids aren't being affected by parents battling. But I believe a breakup would have been inevitable, if one party isn't willing to make an effort at changing.
Of course, plan B might be to propose an "open marriage"... I don't think I could do it, but whatever... My stbx-wife, on the weekend before I moved out, suggested finishing the basement of our house so I could stay at home. I don't THINK she was serious, but that's a sign of how much she wanted me to stay. I think the open marriage idea would have been over the acceptable line though.
One thing that struck me with the frustrated guys... My thought is that if your spouse is content with the status quo, they won't change until they're forced to. If there's no impact on them when they don't work on the issue, why would they move out of their comfort zone?
That's just it. Early on she wasn't. She was into drugs at one point in her life (well before me). She and I have tattoo's She at least used to act like she enjoyed soaking the bed with her gushing orgasms...
Something has changed and I fear it's me and she won't tell me why. Or now that we have children she is strictly in mommy mode and cannot separate that and being a sexual being... I don't know...
I had a very repressed upbringing, went to Cathlolic school indoctrinated by the nuns - sex was dirty, girls who liked sex were worse than the dark one himself and would join him in a dance around the perennial bondfire. I married and had a very hard time getting over my inhibitions.
I know your history with your wife is different than mine because your wife started out being sexually adventuos but this may be relevant. She may be feeling retroactive guilt if she had a conservative religious background. She may feel guilty about the past now that she is older. What helped me was my husbands patience with me and acceptance of me even when I was so inhibited. He has a light fun approach to sex, he is not serious, never shows dissatisfaction or frustration. I was able to come out of my shell because I felt loved and cared for.
You say that you been patient enough however you are not patient enough until you patience pays off. What alternative do you have? Rush her to do what you did before or build a new kind of sexual relationship now. Make every attempt to make her feel as loved and cared about, no matter what she does sexualy. One problem with a womans attitude towards sex is that we are vigilant to being used.
The things that trigger that feeling is being pressured, badgered, coerced, begged repeatedly asked about sex acts, having too much sex that gives the man pleasure bj, hj, use of toys to use while he observes etc. Make it about mutual pleasure and mutual safety and comfort. Start there and when she feels the love and acceptance she may do more. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: So I married a nun... 
She at least used to act like she enjoyed soaking the bed with her gushing orgasms...
