PBear

How is it going to put you out of your comfort zone? And think about this... A discussion that clearly outlines your requirements and the repercussions of those requirements not being met is likely less uncomfortable than the "I want a divorce" discussion.

For myself, I felt that if the intimacy issues were met, I could have at least hung on until the kids were out of the house. We got along fine, although there's definitely things that could have been improved. But the resentments causes all those other things to go from small speed bumps to large mountains.

C

MEM11363

I am generally opposed to an "open marriage" as I think they have a high failure rate. That said, why not suggest it. The conversation goes something like this.

Clearly you don't feel that sex is a necessary part of a healthy marriage. I have no interest in continuing to try to change your mind. Since you see it as such an unimportant activity, I think the best thing for both of us is for me to find a playmate who enjoys it.

My guess is she will threaten to divorce you over this. And I think the honest answer is: I am not able to meet your needs while remaining sexless and also be the happy/upbeat guy you want in the house. I am really lowering the bar here and not asking you to do something you clearly find so unpleasant, instead I am simply telling you that demanding virtual celibacy from me while insisting I meet most/all your needs is no longer acceptable.

I think she will continue to threaten to divorce you. At that point you have a choice. You can either suck it up and pretend you are happy and meet most/all her needs while she demands you remain basically celibate. This will preserve the marriage at the expense of any happiness and peace of mind you might hope to have.

Or you can continue to show resentment and continue to make less effort to meet her needs until she finally divorces you.

BTW - It is possible that faced with the prospect of other women having sex with you, she will "discover" her long lost sex drive. It does happen in some marriages.

MEM11363

It makes complete sense. Does SHE make an effort to please you? Does she put some effort into foreplay that pleases you? Or does she radiate indifference and "let" you have sex with her?

frustr8edmartin

That was very well said. Thank you. I never thought of it that way. She wants me to be the husband she always dreamed of, yet when it comes to what I want, she says "I can't do that and don't expect me to"

frustr8dhubby

PBear,

Because it induces useless conflict. Essentially I am saying "Magically desire me somehow or I am gone". I would prefer that she actually desires me and if she doesn't or can't then I have to go anyway.

MEM,

I think in her mind she does, yes. She is happy to give me a BJ, swallow, etc. She even claims to enjoy that. I cannot say that there is ever much "enthusiasm" if that is the right word. Certainly not much in the way of initiation.

frustr8dhubby

Star,

Sorry, never heard of it. Do you have some information on it? Thanks.

magnoliagal

Ok now I'm confused. What does "desire you" mean? Define "enthusiasm". Is this just an initiation problem? Sounds like she's trying but missing the mark somehow. Or maybe I'm reading this wrong.

MGirl

I was wondering this myself...you said she is "happy" to give a bj, etc....but that she doesn't have the enthusiasm? I'm a little confused. Is she doing it because she has to or because she wants to?

__________________
Women are made to be loved, not understood. - Oscar Wilde

MarriedWifeInLove

And you won't know unless you ask the hard questions and she's willing to answer them.

Sometimes that's when MC helps as they will open up in the comfort of someone else guiding them more than they can sometimes open up to their own spouse. My husband says things in counseling he's never actually said to me face-to-face, catches me off-guard a lot - but it is helpful.

The fact that she actually told you that she used sex to get and keep men, she might have been doing a "great" acting job previously (I hate to say it, but trust me on this one - you guys can't really tell the difference).

Usually the spouse getting rejected always feels that it's them - they're not attractive enough, not good enough in bed, etc. The blame usually lies with the spouse that is doing the rejecting. They are not communicating what the problem is so therefore you have nothing to go by, except - it's me.

I was in the same boat and it crushed my spirit, self-esteem and confidence. So much so that I lost weight, couldn't sleep, had to go on meds, into counseling, etc.

And guess what - it looks like it really wasn't me. It was issues that he didn't want to discuss and get out in the open - mainly that his sex drive has dropped - I had to learn that from his doctor! It took me a while but I'm back to a good place, self-esteem, confidence is right back where it should be.

But my sex life still isn't. But - at least I know what the real issue is and I can work on it with him.

Women/men that reject their spouse on the sexual front don't realize that we can be patient, less pushy and work "with them" - but we have to know what the actual issues are first.

I find it very selfish, self-centered and inexcusable when a spouse rejects and won't let their partner know why and let them continue to believe that "I'm" the problem, when it's really not the case - not how you should treat someone you love.

Maybe you need to play hard ball and be willing to back it up if there is no change. Life really is too short to deal with someone who is selfish enough to live in their own little world and expect you to deal with it.

__________________
"Don't Find Fault - Find A Remedy" Henry Ford

PBear

I don't see it that way, personally... I see it as "Work with me and put in some serious effort into rebuilding our intimacy, or I'm gone". The other option for me would be to just go, which is what I did. My wife's track record in following through on any "fixes" in our relationship was such that I had no faith it would make a difference in 2 months. And I no longer had the emotional energy to invest in beating that horse.

As far as the open marriage thing goes, I'm pretty sure I couldn't have done it, even if my stbx agreed to it. Hell, I barely have time to maintain one relationship, much less more than one. But I'd use it as an eye opener. I wouldn't put a strong likelihood on that approaches success rate, though. Kind of a last ditch effort.

C

Mrs.G

Mrs.G

THANK YOU!!!

frustr8dhubby

magnoliagal and MGirl,

I don't know how to explain it really I guess. She "says" that she likes doing those things but her actions speak louder. She pretty much never initiates it anymore. Certainly nothing "out of the blue". I'm sure if I asked for a BJ she would be "happy" to oblige but I don't have much interest in having to ask for it. As an example on the times she does do it feels like a race to finish rather than actually trying to spend some time and enjoy it.

To me it is kind of like your kid giving you something they baked. You say it is delicious while you are spitting it out in your hand behind your back..

Does that make any sense?

Jamison

Maybe, BUT, to the person doing the denying, they probably do not see it like that. They may feel they aren't missing a thing if they don't want it to begin with.

I would imagine there are lots of people who feel, "you are not important to me" if their spouse isn't doing something they wish they would do.

I think my main concern with the OP situation is WHY his wife will not tell him what it is thats wrong. I'm sure she didn't just wake up one day and decide to longer have sexual desire for her husband, something is behind it, just not sure what or how to get her to open up to him.

frustr8dhubby

MWIL,

I have asked them but I don't get any answers. She claims that she just doesn't know and of course I don't believe her so it just becomes a circular "argument".