Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
These type threads are so depressing because the man tries everything he can think of and almost always gets zero response. If no kids involved I would simply divorce and find a woman that is into connection and into sex. I doubt the OP here will leave and i'm sure his wife doubts it too. Very rarely on here do you see the man actually follow through. it's sad, she kills him inside with her lack of attention to the relationship because her free time is used on much more trivial things like Face book for instance.
They are depressing.
But remember - many women are also going through the same issue - their husbands are doing the rejecting and everything they try gets zero response.
It happens to both genders, not just men.
And yes, the lack of attention can kill someone's spirit and self-esteem. And that's what makes leaving so hard, your self-esteem is crushed, hard to get it back up in order to make rational decisions about the situation - you feel stuck.
But remember - many women are also going through the same issue - their husbands are doing the rejecting and everything they try gets zero response.
It happens to both genders, not just men.
And yes, the lack of attention can kill someone's spirit and self-esteem. And that's what makes leaving so hard, your self-esteem is crushed, hard to get it back up in order to make rational decisions about the situation - you feel stuck.
I know, been there - not going there again.
Very true. My current partner went through a marriage like that. She did everything she could to entice her ex to "saddle up", to no avail. And years of that did a lot of damage to her self-esteem, as you said.
Interesting observation. I think last summer there was a chance that I would have viewed it as an exit affair. I knew I didn't really want to leave her but the sex thing was killing me. I am glad I did not act completely on it, for now she is making an effort.
Quick update:
I have to give her more credit, she is trying. It's "that time of the month" but yesterday she did give me a BJ. Now, the beauty of it was that she did take some time, didn't rush it and actually did some things I have mentioned recently that she has either never done or has not done in a long time. So I am hopeful...
To the others, thanks for everyones responses. It is depressing. I get bummed out reading about all of these issues, whether it is the man or woman. Feeling rejected sucks and I know it.
But, I have to say I have learned a lot from this group. If this is just a short term thing with her trying just to appease me, I think I will go. I do love her deeply but I will NOT go through another 10 years of feeling like a perv or "sex maniac". (Of course that is easier said than done for a "nice guy" )
F8,
A short, upbeat, SHORT, comment to your W about yesterday is a must. Something like:
I have learned to accept that you can't directly control how much lust/desire you feel. I also want you to know that when you are patient and loving when we connect - like you were yesterday - I feel loved and it strengthens my bond to you.
Don't get mushy. Just make the statement. This is your way of telling her she can substitute commitment for lust. Because she can. My W has done so on and off for 2 decades.
She may fitness test you. She may - say something sarcastic like "glad it was good for YOU" - just be prepared. The best answer is the truth. And for you the truth is: "If you would allow, I would happily do that to you - giving you pleasure truly makes me feel good - I hope the same is true for you".
But fingers crossed - she may respond positively. The key thing is you can never convey the idea that if she doesn't feel lust, eventually you will bail. Because she doesn't directly control it, and she may just give up at that point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by frustr8dhubby
Mrs. G.,
Interesting observation. I think last summer there was a chance that I would have viewed it as an exit affair. I knew I didn't really want to leave her but the sex thing was killing me. I am glad I did not act completely on it, for now she is making an effort.
Quick update:
I have to give her more credit, she is trying. It's "that time of the month" but yesterday she did give me a BJ. Now, the beauty of it was that she did take some time, didn't rush it and actually did some things I have mentioned recently that she has either never done or has not done in a long time. So I am hopeful...
To the others, thanks for everyones responses. It is depressing. I get bummed out reading about all of these issues, whether it is the man or woman. Feeling rejected sucks and I know it.
But, I have to say I have learned a lot from this group. If this is just a short term thing with her trying just to appease me, I think I will go. I do love her deeply but I will NOT go through another 10 years of feeling like a perv or "sex maniac". (Of course that is easier said than done for a "nice guy" )
Great point, thanks MEM. I did send her a quick text message today saying that I was still thinking about yesterday and how hot it was... But you are right I need to make sure I emphasize that I understand that she cannot control her desire.
F8,
This is an area where I admit to being unsure as to what "works best" in terms of style. I think telling her it is "hot" is great on the romance side of the house. Telling her about strengthening the "bond" is more intended to address her desire for relationship stability. Two very different things. I guess you can message both. I have no idea which she will respond more strongly to.
But I would do this in person - and I would make sure to hit both points one after the other - the lack of desire being "not her fault" and the show of commitment being a very powerful thing.
This creates a "context". And that context going forward is:
- A lack of arousal/desire is no basis for ignoring you as a man. In fact ignoring you as a man shows a lack of commitment to the marriage.
- Focusing on you as a man, regardless of desire shows commitment and strengthens the marriage.
F8,
This particular dynamic is one that I am very, very experienced with. Two weeks ago my W got that painful inflammation thing "down there" that she gets every once in a while. She has been consistently offering to please me. Totally sincere offers. Almost nightly. The thing is that when she does that, most nights I gently let her off the hook. It is not her fault she is in pain. As her partner my inclination is to be patient when she has a physical condition.
And this isn't a "game" she is playing. When she offers she means it. And at a certain frequency she becomes insistent and I relent. THAT is where you want to be. Where your W is more focused on your needs, while you are more focused on hers.
Quote:
Originally Posted by frustr8dhubby
Great point, thanks MEM. I did send her a quick text message today saying that I was still thinking about yesterday and how hot it was... But you are right I need to make sure I emphasize that I understand that she cannot control her desire.
The thing is that when she does that, most nights I gently let her off the hook. It is not her fault she is in pain. As her partner my inclination is to be patient when she has a physical condition.
See now why do you do that? My dh is the same way and I think but I wouldn't have offered if I didn't want to. I'm not like that. If I don't want to I'm not going to bring it up. I don't offer things hoping he'll say no. Doesn't work that way. When I offer a gift I want my dh to take it even if it is nightly and even if I'm in pain. It makes me happy to do it. To see him be appreciative makes it all worth while.
Her: Do you want to make love (but she is in pain - so that really means - do you want a bj)
Me: Doing/saying something so she absolutely feels no guilt for not being a "good wife"
At that point she either accepts my response - or if she truly is driven by a desire to please me instead of guilt - she justs does the alpha "lite" thing and says - "stop talking and strip".
I never decline when that happens.
Quote:
Originally Posted by magnoliagal
See now why do you do that? My dh is the same way and I think but I wouldn't have offered if I didn't want to. I'm not like that. If I don't want to I'm not going to bring it up. I don't offer things hoping he'll say no. Doesn't work that way. When I offer a gift I want my dh to take it even if it is nightly and even if I'm in pain. It makes me happy to do it. To see him be appreciative makes it all worth while.
Her: Do you want to make love (but she is in pain - so that really means - do you want a bj)
Me: Doing/saying something so she absolutely feels no guilt for not being a "good wife"
At that point she either accepts my response - or if she truly is driven by a desire to please me instead of guilt - she justs does the alpha "lite" thing and says - "stop talking and strip".
I never decline when that happens.
Oh I get it this is nice manspeak. Duly noted. Translation you'd love it but only if we insist. Got it.
'Bad wife' - not good. Why? Well because she might be 'bad' with the sex role but absolutely fantastic at all the other 'wifey' roles. That doesn't make her an all round 'bad' wife!
A chef might be rubbish at making pastry but excellent with seafood. Doesn't make him a 'bad' chef...but a good one who is cr&p at pastry!
Your wife is not good at sex...but atleast you are going down the right path, albeit slowly. Your wife has realised and ACCEPTED she has issues with sex and is making the effort. Give her credit for trying.
However I really do understand how frustrating it is for you....you want your wife, you want to show her how much you love her in man language (sex) and you want her to speak your language fluently. She doesn't yet, but atleast she's trying to learn.
My wife simply thinks once a month (at very most) is normal and I am a monster for wanting it more often!
So I speak from experience brother!!
A wife that is bad at sex is like a chef who is bad at everything except making a salad. In my opinion there are 2 main things that can make a spouse bad, sex and finances if either of thoes 2 are bad she is a bad wife, if she is a freak in the sheets and then steals your credit card and maxes it out or maxes her own out and then is mopy because of it thats a divorce situation just like if she is super responsible with money but a prude in the bed room thats going to lead to a divorce as well.
Her: Do you want to make love (but she is in pain - so that really means - do you want a bj)
Me: Doing/saying something so she absolutely feels no guilt for not being a "good wife"
At that point she either accepts my response - or if she truly is driven by a desire to please me instead of guilt - she justs does the alpha "lite" thing and says - "stop talking and strip".
I never decline when that happens.
There are alot times my wife will not be in the mood but always gives me a nice rim job, BJ and swallows with a porn going and gets into it for me and we are both happier afterwards and the evening is a delight, I could not ask for more.
I would love it. But only if doing it is going to make her feel "good".
As opposed to "not" doing it is going to make her feel bad. So I ensure she can "not" do it, and "not" feel bad by letting her know I am grateful she offered, I love her and I am in no way upset with her because it is not her fault she has pre-menopause related dryness/pain.
Quote:
Originally Posted by magnoliagal
Oh I get it this is nice manspeak. Duly noted. Translation you'd love it but only if we insist. Got it.
A wife that is bad at sex is like a chef who is bad at everything except making a salad. In my opinion there are 2 main things that can make a spouse bad, sex and finances if either of thoes 2 are bad she is a bad wife, if she is a freak in the sheets and then steals your credit card and maxes it out or maxes her own out and then is mopy because of it thats a divorce situation just like if she is super responsible with money but a prude in the bed room thats going to lead to a divorce as well.
I like to spend money, but I would never take Mr.G's credit card without asking. I also refrain from making big purchases without discussing it first.
Interesting observation. I think last summer there was a chance that I would have viewed it as an exit affair. I knew I didn't really want to leave her but the sex thing was killing me. I am glad I did not act completely on it, for now she is making an effort.
Quick update:
I have to give her more credit, she is trying. It's "that time of the month" but yesterday she did give me a BJ. Now, the beauty of it was that she did take some time, didn't rush it and actually did some things I have mentioned recently that she has either never done or has not done in a long time. So I am hopeful...
To the others, thanks for everyones responses. It is depressing. I get bummed out reading about all of these issues, whether it is the man or woman. Feeling rejected sucks and I know it.
But, I have to say I have learned a lot from this group. If this is just a short term thing with her trying just to appease me, I think I will go. I do love her deeply but I will NOT go through another 10 years of feeling like a perv or "sex maniac". (Of course that is easier said than done for a "nice guy" )
YES - you will not have to go through this again if you keep appreciating her. I know that men deserve to be treated like the gems they are and sometimes they don't get that. Try not to think of what you deserve and think of what she deserves. You can not help but get this back.
It takes only one person to change the dynamic. When things seem to be slipping, get back in the groove by appreciating HER.
I don't mean doing dishes and all that s**t, not saying you should not, what I mean is have sex with HER not some vision in your head. If you think you are entitled you forget to be appreciative.
When in fact who really deserves anything - there are many with far less so we should always be grateful. I am telling you as a woman that is seductive when a man seems to be into the woman as a person just the way she is and I think it does not happen for many men.
Re: So I married a nun... 
)
I like to spend money, but I would never take Mr.G's credit card without asking. I also refrain from making big purchases without discussing it first.
