Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I talked earlier about the non existent sex life between myself and my husband. The main over ridding comments were counseling, counseling and more counseling. I have tried to gently ask him about this and the answer is a big NO!! However something happened the other day which gave me a bit of a clue that it is less to do with me and most of the problem is with him.
He was telling me about his day at work. He was testing a new network security product he had just installed. His technician asked permission to do a porn test which OH agreed to. Apart from the fact the security product blocked every site OH had been amazed at how many porn sites his (married) technician knew off by heart! I laughed and said come on now be honest you must know a good few yourself. He looked offended and said no he does not know any. I just smiled again and said of course I believe you but thousands wouldn't. He again insisted that he never goes to porn sites. I said for crying out loud I go to porn sites occasionally - after all these years my imagination needs some help! He then started on a lecture about the dangers of porn sites (malware/spyware/viruses etc) that he is a network manager and needs to keep his networks both at work and at home with immaculate records. He would rather I did not use such sites but if I insist on using such sites in the future I need to check with him that they are safe sites.
Ok he was telling the truth - he doesn't use porn sites. I kept pressing though and asked how he copes then with keeping his imagination/fantasies fresh and interesting because I struggle! He just sighed and said in a weary voice trust me love that is an issue which doesn't affect me at all. With that he headed off to his office.
Now he didn't say explicitly but there are only two ways that can be taken a)a ****y my fantasies as so good I don't need help! or b)I don't have fantasies as I have no need for them or I need them so infrequently they are fine. It is funny I always assumed that he was 'sorting himself' in his office and the thought of him using porn didn't bother me. The thought that the opposite is true seems so much worse. I hate the thought that he has no or very little sexual pleasure in his life. Myself, I have a high sex drive and so masturbate whenever I have the bedroom to myself! But I always feel such a crashing despair and guilt afterwards. Only a few seconds after an orgasm the tears start. I love him and it feels like a betrayal!
But my husband is so confusing. Ok he probably has a very low or non existent sex drive. I have also been wondering about his testosterone levels but he will not get them checked as he hates needles!
I just wish i could understand him! He is very touchy feely with me. We are always holding hands when out and about, when watching TV I am always cuddled in his arms with my head on his chest and he sometimes even shows a physical reaction to our closeness. For example I was cooking the other day and he came up behind me started kissing my neck and jaw. He pressed up against me and he was definitely hard! Then with a final kiss he just goes as if nothing has happened. He generally goes to bed a few hours later than me but every night I always find myself being pulled into his arms, being hugged and kissed and again he is always hard! On weekends we can spend hours in bed just cuddling together murmuring I love yous but that is as far as it goes. I just don't understand why he is so unwilling to do more and take things further. He will not 'make out' with me a peck on the lips is the best I can hope for yet he thinks touching and kissing my breasts is fine! It is funny he is so free with my body yet I don't feel the same freedom with his.
He is contradictory- on one had he is a typical case of low testosterone, low sex drive and yet on the other he seems normal but just does not want to have sex! He will not go to the doctors or talk about this though either with me or a professional!
Interesting I have just been reading some sites on naturally increasing testosterone levels. He has recently lost 4 stones in weight and does not drink which were two of the biggies they mention. The other issues to help increase testosterone are - exercise (he does nothing), not skipping meals (how he lost the 4 stones!), not going late to bed so not sleeping enough (an on going argument!), less stress (impossible i think due to work) and finally have sex (erm lets be honest it not going to happen!)
I wouldn't like that at all, if he was hard and didn't persue me, never kissed me properly etc I wouldn't stay. I would ask him to either get some tests and see a counselor or we would separate. I think a few tests are a lot less painful then a divorce or a miserable wife.
I would be willing to do the same if I lost my sex drive.
Wow, does your husband ever fall out of the normal boxes in life - to be TOUCH FEELY , getting hard and NOT taking it further !!! I am not sure what to make of this! Very Very odd.
How tired is he everyday , is he falling asleep after work ? Does he complain he is dragging? If Not, and you are feeling these Erections, I seriosuly doubt he has a Test issue that will warrent Treatment. My husband is a LOWER Test man - but in the normal range. He rarely wakes up with an erection (he is 47), he NEEDS stimulation pretty near every time. We do go at it alot so I keep him drained. He is not a big one for fantasies either. I am much more creative and fantasy prone than him. His flavor of porn is very soft too . Playboy , strippers & solo women, that's it, he has no interest in anything kinkier than that.
I understand what you were saying about "feeling" worse if your husband DIDN'T want to Look at some porn, I accually feel the day he stops being interested here -will mean he needs Test Treatment as an Encronologist told me 2 yrs ago he may be a likely candidate in the near future. His levels for a mid 40's guy were "normal" for a man in his 60's! Scared the daylights out of me, I worried about this comment for months. I come to learn from alot of reading about Test, that for some men, a lower range is NORMAL for THEM. Now I am not too worried about this, I think he was always lower than other guys cause he was never the Aggressive type.
How about your Husaband, is HE aggressive in other areas or life or MR. CALM / Mr. Patient always?
Is it possible he has some Religious hang ups? Feeling Sex is dirty somehow, ashamed of the act?
You mentioned not wanting to kiss your mouth, possible problems related to salivia/ Sex juices?? Some Obsessive Compulsives have issues with cleanliness that has affected thier sex lives??
I just wish i could understand him! He is very touchy feely with me. We are always holding hands when out and about, when watching TV I am always cuddled in his arms with my head on his chest and he sometimes even shows a physical reaction to our closeness. For example I was cooking the other day and he came up behind me started kissing my neck and jaw. He pressed up against me and he was definitely hard! Then with a final kiss he just goes as if nothing has happened. He generally goes to bed a few hours later than me but every night I always find myself being pulled into his arms, being hugged and kissed and again he is always hard! On weekends we can spend hours in bed just cuddling together murmuring I love yous but that is as far as it goes. I just don't understand why he is so unwilling to do more and take things further. He will not 'make out' with me a peck on the lips is the best I can hope for yet he thinks touching and kissing my breasts is fine! It is funny he is so free with my body yet I don't feel the same freedom with his.
What causes all of these cuddling sessions to end without any completion? Do YOU try and pursue them to completion even if he doesn't?
How about your Husaband, is HE aggressive in other areas or life or MR. CALM / Mr. Patient always?
Is it possible he has some Religious hang ups? Feeling Sex is dirty somehow, ashamed of the act?
You mentioned not wanting to kiss your mouth, possible problems related to salivia/ Sex juices?? Some Obsessive Compulsives have issues with cleanliness that has affected thier sex lives??
My husband is a Mr Calm most of the time but he suffers very badly with stressful situations. He frequently gets IBS when works gets stressful. We very infrequently argue and when we do it is mostly all coming from me not him!
Religion is my problem not his! I am a lapsed Catholic, he is a lapsed CofE so I am the one with problems in this area. For so many years my family kept our living together a secret from the 'hardcore' Catholics of the family! Only in the run up to the marriage was his existence revealed to them! I have struggled with the idea that just after getting married sex suddenly changes from being dirty, shameful and evil to the most incredible thing two people can do together. Messes with my head a bit that! I have only ever been with him and I feel I have been punished enough for having sex before marriage by developing vaginismus! (see other post)
I think he does not mouth kiss as that to both of us is a prelude to sex. He does kiss my mouth but only in a way you would be happy do to in front of parents! I have never been able to find out why but he is not obsessive compulsive.
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What causes all of these cuddling sessions to end without any completion? Do YOU try and pursue them to completion even if he doesn't?
I have given up trying as I generally just get gently pushed off! Most times he just walks away or says ok time to do this. If I make a fuss he just asks why am I being so moody and don't I like cuddling with him. The answer is yes I do but would it really kill you to add just a few mins of sex during it!
The thing is the cuddling and spending more time with me is a massive improvement. We used to spend all of our time apart. (Him in his office me in the living room) so this is a dramatic improvement. I just dont understand him!
Your husband is a true Enigma. Being Mr Calm & Mr passive in the arguing department, I would not be surprised if he is also a lower Testosterone guy, they just don't have this incessant NEED to get off -like Higher Test guys do who sometimes drive their wives crazy.
Sounds like STRESS really DRAGS him down then. To the point of affecting his bodily functions. Would you say when you feel those erections he is LESS stressed?
I have struggled with the idea that just after getting married sex suddenly changes from being dirty, shameful and evil to the most incredible thing two people can do together. Messes with my head a bit that!
I did a whole thread on this mindset (my "Awakening" thread), I know exactly what you are talking about. I had to overcome it too. I believe it hindered me mentally for many years.
It sounds like you and he are making progress -mentioning the Massive Improvement.
Work on that Job stress & try to learn what turns him on -if at all possible as again, he sounds like a man out of the box.
Try to start a couples workout program. Physical exercise can increase testosterone production and possibly increase his sexual drive. Even if it doesn't, at least you'll be in better shape.
I am struggling with this type of problem too - see Reboot. My husband has a good job, is affectionate, loves me, and constantly says he is attracted to me. This does not translate to sex. When we do have sex, it is awful. I do not believe he uses porn (I am 99.9% sure) and I don't know, but it does not seem he masturbates much (I can't believe he doesn't, but there is not any sign he does). I am not sure low testosterone would explain the issue for me - in fact, I would suspect he is a high testorone guy in my case.
Some of the suggestions to me have focussed on how I am with him and how we communicate. For example, do I initiate, and why not? So I am thinking about my role and when we make passes at each other. What would happen if you decided to stay up late one night, and maybe got a movie that had a bit of suggestiveness in it? Maybe don't even make a move, but just watch his reaction. He might be shocked that you would stay up late just to be with him.
I've been the counselling route, and it was not helpful. He would not talk about the real issues (sex). I found out a lot about myself, but that did not solve the problems.
He has no sex drive. 
