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Responsive Desire = No Attraction (?)

21K views 222 replies 28 participants last post by  2ntnuf 
#1 ·
It's been brought up in MEM's pyramid thread that Responsive Desire exists simply as a means of describing lack of sexual attraction.

I'm of a split mind on this. From my own perspective of someone with spontaneous desire this makes sense, however I'd like to hear from some folks that consider themselves RD as to why or why not they believe this is true.

Opinions?
 
#148 ·
You are making an incorrect assumption similar to why I think there are angry women in this thread. It does not have to do with willingness to have sex. It has to do with arousal coming from stimulating contact with others or randomly. That's why this is taking so long to figure out. No one really understands the premise.

I suspect that even those who actually do, are afraid that it means something derogatory.
 
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#157 ·
Depends on who's company you're in. :p

I'd liken it to when a woman asks if she looks fat in these clothes. If you are careful with your words, you will be fine.

I'm done here. You guys have fun.

Just to reiterate, I think there are no women who are the same. You have all convinced me of the error of this woman's findings. Thank you for your participation.
 
#156 ·
Okay, thanks. I hope she initiates tonight. You need it after all this frustration. I know, I wouldn't mind someone I found attractive to initiate. I've only found that in women who are in perimenopause or ovulating. Truly. The rest of the time, all the women I know, only thought about it because they had this notion about men being horn dogs and getting it anywhere they could, so they'd get angry if their man didn't initiate.
 
#162 ·
I don't follow the back and forth arguments but the thread title is Responsive Desire = No Attraction (?). So the question is; does RD mean no attraction. The answer is no. It does not mean that. For those who are unattracted that use the term to their advantage then shame on them. RD is a logical concept that statistically is more common in women and less common in men.

I would have posted pages back but I couldn't figure out what the h3ll the back and forth conversations were even about.
 
#163 ·
:smthumbup::iagree:

The arguments were about folks who got their feelings hurt and wanted to somehow try to fight back.

The thread title is an incorrect assumption I made and admitted to after a few posts. Can't remember how many. Fozzy started the thread after I made a request. I enjoyed the back and forth and played along. It actually felt good. My apologies to those who got frustrated and confused. My thanks to those who contributed. I'm sure everyone who read had a fun drama filled time. I know I did. Thank you Thundarr.
 
#167 ·
Back to the topic at hand.

For women who have true responsive drive, and aren't just using it as a cover to not have sex with a spouse they're no longer attracted to, what happens if they're with a partner who never initiates? That's what always baffles me. Is the libido just completely dead unless their spouse comes on to them, or they read a sexy passage from a book, or watch a scene?

If a RD person had no access to media, and their spouse just stopped initiating sex, would they just almost never feel horny?

I've never been with a strictly RD woman, so I'm very curious about how this works from day to day.
 
#198 ·
For the first 15 years of our marriage I initiated almost every day. The only days I did not initiate were when M2 was sick, or clearly exhausted or upset.

Then - slowly over time we evolved to where we have been for many years now.

M2 initiates 95% of the time. Has done so for years.

She does NOT initiate because she feels horny. She does so because:
- She wishes to feel close (70%)
- She considers it her responsibility as a good wife (30%)

And when I say she initiates I mean that in the truest sense of the word. I don't give her some subtle cue - she then responds to.

When I initiate I'm not subtle.

So - the reason we do this is simple. Since M2 is the lower desire person - I think it's best for her to pick the nights that she most wants to. It's that simple.

She never forgets and doesn't give me pity sex.

A true gem.
 
#168 ·
I have never felt spontaneous desire for sex. I actively seek out my husband, or erotica, or porn etc to get started. If my husband isn't around I just don't actively seek out erotic material.

I imagine if nothing were to change, if I didn't actively try to get aroused I would never feel the need to have sex.

Sometimes I'm jealous of those with spontaneous desire, other times I feel bad for them. Either way I have accepted that this is my sexuality, it is within the realm of normal, and my husband and I are both ok with it.
 
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#178 ·
My wife is pretty much the same way. The only problem I have with this is her ability to RECEIVE arousal from me. If she's had a sh$tty day, it may be nearly impossible to get her aroused. Unfortunately, the older you get, generally the more responsibilities you have. More responsibility generally mean more problems and more worries which impact the wifes ability to receive input from me or any other erotic source.
C'est la vie.
 
#170 ·
What is the big deal if Giro's initiation sequence is for his benefit? She needs something to get her motor started but once it's started I bet it purrs along nicely. I bet she enjoys it every bit as much as her H does. It's something that is more important to her H than it is to her, but because it is important she puts the effort in.

She is an awesome wife who loves her husband.
 
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#171 ·
This is an old chestnut... of course, as a man, you want to be needed and desired, so responsive desire is bad because it makes the relationship "mechanical" and suspicion of "duty sex" arises... on the other hand, in LTRs situations can change and often spontaneous desire turns into responsive. It's not a bad thing imo... as long as you learn to accept your spouse for what he/she is and the intentions are genuine...
 
#175 ·
This is an old chestnut... of course, as a man, you want to be needed and desired, so responsive desire is bad because it makes the relationship "mechanical" and suspicion of "duty sex" arises... on the other hand, in LTRs situations can change and often spontaneous desire turns into responsive. It's not a bad thing imo... as long as you learn to accept your spouse for what he/she is and the intentions are genuine...
Mechanical?

Yeah, that's what my ex-husband said after I tried scheduling sex - too mechanical. After one week. And we were newlyweds.

Of course, he offered no alternatives, and he still didn't initiate. So, we went back to no sex.

Sex was never fun or playful in our marriage. It was always a battle.
 
#180 ·
One thing I do notice is that I (a male) have more ability to eliminate day to day turmoil to clear my mind for sex. Let's say the kids are acting up, an old parent is doing something scary that makes you think Altzeimers, the dog just got hurt and needs to go to the vet, your roof is leaking and the dish washer just broke. I can forget about all that and have sex. My wife cannot. She cannot "clear" her mind of the day to day grind. Therefore, she needs more input to get fired up.

This may also explain one of the reasons why young sex is frequent and usually good. When I got married I had a small apartment, no kids, no nothing, just us. It was easy back then. Not so much now.
 
#181 ·
This is true for me as well. It is hard for me to understand how my husband can have enjoyable sex when under lots of stress. I cannot shut off all outside stimuli, this can be problematic if your life is full of stressors. I work really hard at keeping my life on a peaceful path.
 
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#202 ·
Maybe most women are responsive desire, but work against that natural tendency early in a relationship. We always read how sex was so great early on and then it falls off. Perhaps women know how much sex means to men and in order to "catch" a particular male, they go hard against their innate responsive desire.

Once the relationship is achieved, and marriage follows, the couples "true colors", show up. The male is left dumbfounded because he now has to deal with something he is unfamiliar with.

I know it's much more complicated than this, but I do feel that this is part of the equation. Without the knowledge of female responsive desire I could see a man floundering for years in resentment. I know I did.

To top it all off, as I age, I feel myself becoming a responsive desire male. However, I have taken it upon myself, since I am the supposed male leader, to initiate and fire up my wife even though I actually need the same work up as my wife. In order to combat my own RD I try to not masturbate, at all. Sometimes if I need a boost on a day I know I'm going to have sex, I'll infuse a bit of porn to get my motor running.

The interesting part of understanding responsive desire in women is that it takes the resentment away when you realize it has nothing to do with her attraction for you. (all other things being equal) In other words, if you KNOW you are meeting her needs and are not a complete slob, maybe you should work on creating desire in your responsive desire wife. It seems to be working for me. I just lather up the testosterone cream, and get to work on a daily basis creating that desire in my wife.
 
#208 ·
Maybe most women are responsive desire, but work against that natural tendency early in a relationship. We always read how sex was so great early on and then it falls off. Perhaps women know how much sex means to men and in order to "catch" a particular male, they go hard against their innate responsive desire.

Once the relationship is achieved, and marriage follows, the couples "true colors", show up. The male is left dumbfounded because he now has to deal with something he is unfamiliar with.
I suspect it is more about the same actions not getting the same response. When dating, most people do not live together, at least at first, so there is a newness that exists. Being separated for a week while both are working means that finally getting together on the weekend provokes a responsive desire. But when you live with that person, the newness wears off and different actions are needed.

I think in many cases, neither side really understands why things are not working.
 
#203 ·
I get the impression that this was not really about what percentage of women have RD vs SD or whether it's possible for a woman to have SD or if she's 100% RD.

From my interpretation of the OP, the real question is: "Can someone tell me if my wife is using RD as a cover for not feeling attracted to me at all?" Simple answer is I have no idea because I don't know the marital dynamic.
 
#205 ·
I think the bottom line is many people tend not to believe in that which they have never experienced.

You see that on TAM all the time. A default assumption that all men and all women are boxed in by a poster's experience, and no matter how many other posters counter their experience with a different one, they just can't, or won't, see it.

So if a man has never experienced a woman with genuine spontaneous desire, if they've only been with women who need to be warmed up, or reminded of sex, it's tough to believe there are women who aren't like that. It's like the guys who think women rarely ever hit on men.
 
#207 ·
You see a whole lot of "herd mentality" and attempts to express overconfidence, which is mainly low self-esteem. I don't need to do that, since I readily admit to low self-esteem and express it in writing at times.

Whether you believe in RD or not is up to you. I do, personal experience notwithstanding. You can't know what I've experienced, only what I have shared that is accurate. All is perspective.
 
#209 ·
Its a lot of horny women out here looking for sex. I think the guys that are asking this question, have never had the oppurtunity to experience these women or are inexperienced when it comes to women. Its some agressive women out here thats ready to give toppy on sight. No game needed, no drinks offered, no money thrown about. Just ready to pounce on it like a cheetah.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#210 ·
Toppies are into BDSM. I don't think it's what that article was about. I do think it's more natural for women to be RD. Simple to understand. Everything else is just fear of looking LD and that's not what it's about, in women.
 
#213 ·
And honestly, that's where people get offended or stop talking.

Once you start discounting other people's lives and experiences or put labels on like "normal" or "natural," well, what is the point of discussing the other side or my experiences if they don't line up with what is natural and normal?

JMO.
 
#216 ·
Lets be real, even a person (man or woman) with a spontaneous drive can become more responsive if they're with a person they're not really all that sexually attracted to.

Maybe some of the push back is coming from folks who've never been able to generate much raw sexual lust in their partners? One man's RD wife might be another man's SD dream. I think a lack of attraction can make even the most spontaneous, high drive person lean more to the responsive side.
 
#217 ·
Man I'm not sure who you're aiming this comment at but it going to read hurtful to some readers. How exactly do you think men and women with truly RD partners will see your comment? Honestly I like most of your posts and as such, I choose to believe you didn't intend to make a hurtful comment.
 
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