Confessions of an Orgasmic Unsatisfied Wife
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 04-25-2011, 01:36 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Confessions of an Orgasmic Unsatisfied Wife

Reading this forum, it appears most people are either sexually frustrated or squirting orgasms right and left. I am neither.

I think I am a typical female. I enjoy sex with my husband, yet I have the best orgasms by myself. We are both in our 50's, healthy, and orgasmic. We are easily aroused by each other. When he is aroused he wants to put it in me and get off. Despite his best efforts, it's all over in less than 3 minutes. To him, ideal sex is intercourse, and he can't wait to do me. When he is done, he will be "nice" to me and do what I want (vibe, dildo, whatever) but the passion is gone, so it's hard for me to feel excited.

He turns me on vaginally. I want him to enter me. But when I am horny on my own, I am turned on in my clitoris. It feels tingly. I only have clitoral orgasms, so I never come from intercourse. This is the most important point I can make here, the difference between vaginal and clitoral turn-on!

My best orgasms I get by myself. I watch realistic porn or read a story to get myself aroused, use my vibe and dildo sitting up (! important) and I have an orgasm in 2 - 4 minutes. Those are screamer orgasms. When I skip the arousal activites, it takes longer, 10 min with a vibe, 20 min manual. If I am laying in bed, my mind wanders and it can take up to an hour, no kidding! When my husband is there and it takes a long time, he gets really bored. Of course, I am self conscious about the time and it takes me longer. Recently, I could not get an orgasm at all, after one hour of trying.

My husband does not have the interest for any of this. He is lazy. After he comes, he will lie in bed and try to get me off, or let me do it (my preferred way). It takes me a long time. He does what I want him to do, which is to just be quiet so I can focus and hold me when I climax. Then he is in a hurry to get up and get his day going.

I am disappointed and frustrated often, that I do not have the sex life I envision. Less than 1/3 of the time it's really great, the other 2/3 it's quickies for him with me finishing up when he gets ready for work or falls asleep at night.

Today, I am not in the mood for his quickies, although sometimes I don't mind them at all. Just my mood. I have told him how I get aroused, how he can participate, he chooses to forget.

I think he ought to consider what it would be like to have sex without a climax. I think it would be boring to pend 20 - 30 minutes trying to get your girl to come. I don't blame him for being bored, but if I was really turned on, it would be fast!

Too bad my husband can come in 1 minute, and it takes me 10 minutes. Too bad if I come first, he has lost his erection. Too bad if I come last he has lost his interest. Too bad he does not have the interest in sex to get me really aroused or let me get myself really aroused before we get started...too bad he is a hard worker and prefers to do his responsibilities instead of luxuriating in bed with me.

So that is my real sex life.

Last edited by Sara Ann; 04-25-2011 at 01:42 PM.
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Old 04-25-2011, 02:19 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confessions of an Orgasmic Unsatisfied Wife

Right off I can say 3 minutes would never ever be enough for me to orgasm through intercourse and I orgasm easily. Does he not have any interest in trying to fix or learning how to last just a bit longer?
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Old 04-25-2011, 04:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confessions of an Orgasmic Unsatisfied Wife

I HIGHLY suggest a lelo reusable vibrating c*ck ring (best 40$ i've ever spent online) with you on top (probably), but if he does it right, he can be on top.

The vibrations make it harder for him to finish and a LOT easier for you.

Also, I would tell him that treating you like that sexual isn't ok. If he wants to be lazy and not care about your sexual needs, then don't be willing to have sex with him. You've made it clear to him that he can treat you as less important and it doesn't matter. You will keep having sex with him.

Also, the book "she comes first" might be a good read for him. If he wants sex, but isn't willing to meet your needs, I would suggest you tell him to read that and maybe come back later when he is interested in meeting your needs too. Trust me, he'll catch on and care very quickly. Change the rules of the game.

You need to change this. You need to make it clear now that this isn't ok.

Last edited by anx; 04-25-2011 at 04:13 PM.
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Old 04-25-2011, 08:26 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confessions of an Orgasmic Unsatisfied Wife

You have my permision to smack him one with the anger stick, if it helps. You're giving him the instructions in an easy to follow format, which is more than many guys get, but he's too lazy to follow the map.

What I'd actually recommend is giving him a taste of his own medicine. When he's nearly a minute into it, open your eyes and say, "Mauve. I think I'll paint the ceiling mauve."

Disclaimer: This poster does not encourage or support the real use of physical violence.
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Old 04-25-2011, 09:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confessions of an Orgasmic Unsatisfied Wife

Most woman can't orgasm in 3 minutes. I know I sure as hell can't either unless i am alone!
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Old 04-25-2011, 10:20 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confessions of an Orgasmic Unsatisfied Wife

Quote:
What I'd actually recommend is giving him a taste of his own medicine. When he's nearly a minute into it, open your eyes and say, "Mauve. I think I'll paint the ceiling mauve."
This is basically what he is doing. 1/2 way into it when his partner is starting to have a good time, just stopping. I think if you did that a few times he would get the picture more or less instantly.
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Old 04-26-2011, 04:16 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confessions of an Orgasmic Unsatisfied Wife

Pretty much >10-20 minutes of foreplay + >10-20 minutes of intercourse ...Or it rarely happens. The only exception to this in my life is if she is on top, and then she can come very quickly, but even that is usually longer than 3 minutes.

Some guys can take the subtle suggestion that "Maybe you should switch to oral pleasure for a few minutes when you are getting close to orgasm to delay it so I can enjoy myself too...". Some guys can't.

I have to agree with Anx on the helpfulness of a **** ring. Especially if you get the kind that vibrates, and/or has a nub that directly stimulates the clitoris.

My top two picks:
http://www.adameve.com/adult-sex-toy...ing-15173.aspx

and

Amazon.com: California Exotics Dual Clit Flicker **** Ring: Health & Personal Care

Durex also makes some cheapo disposable ones that deliver a ton of vibration (for the brief time they last). They are terribly fragile though, and often don't hold together under heavy use -- but fun while they do work. Amazon.com: Durex Play Vibrations (3rd Generation): Health & Personal Care
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Old 04-26-2011, 05:00 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confessions of an Orgasmic Unsatisfied Wife

I cum through clitoral stimulation too. I almost allways cum before my SO during sex.

I have to have heavy grinding on my clitoris to be able to cum during sex and it takes time to build up. Stopping and starting sex can make it take much longer.

3 minutes isn't enough time and your husband sounds very very selfish. He should be looking into ways that he can last much longer. He should be interested in you pleasure as much as his.
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Old 04-26-2011, 03:06 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confessions of an Orgasmic Unsatisfied Wife

Thank you so much for encouraging me to stand firm on "say no to quickies".

We tried a disposable c* ring the first time last weekend, and then he suddenly lost control and it was all over. He likes the vibration.

I asked him to read the book, She Comes First, but the way I said it was not sweet, it was complaining, so he felt defensive and refused to read it. I've offered to give him a summary, and I asked him to watch some educational porn from Tristan Taormino (sweetly this time) the last 3 weekends, and he has chosen to investigate neither. I've shared with him what the sex therapist suggested we try, and he has chosen to try that only once.

I cannot change him. I can change only myself. So my big change is that I will not do quickies. I really needed your encouragement for this.

He loves loves to talk with me, cuddle me, be playful with me, spend time with me. Just somehow with sex, he can be such a prude, almost like he feels guilty to study it more and indulge. His problem to sort out, not mine.

Oral he does only when he is really turned on.

When we were early in our marriage, we had a simultaneous climax, with me working on myself while we were doggy style, so I know we can get more in sync and he can slow down if he wants. Simultaneous climax is overrated - I did not get to enjoy his experience because I was overwhelmed by mine.
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Old 04-26-2011, 04:27 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confessions of an Orgasmic Unsatisfied Wife

He sounds loving and I really think you'll figure this out. It might be rocky a bit till then.

He'll eventually get it and understand how it makes you feel to be rejected while he gets his bit.

Best of luck and stay strong.
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Old 04-26-2011, 07:49 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confessions of an Orgasmic Unsatisfied Wife

SaraAnn, wow, I am male, 52 and I always take care of the wife. I have read She Comes First, that has always been my rule. My wife has a low sex drive, won't let me do oral on her etc. If I was married to you, I would promise, you would come first! I love giving oral, but don't the chance much. I love to give long oil massages (never get one back). Maybe we could trade! LOL
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Old 04-26-2011, 08:43 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confessions of an Orgasmic Unsatisfied Wife

arkguy, you make me almost cry. I wish my husband loved me in that way.

A major issue is he has lower interest in sex, every 2-3 days, nothing too erotic. He focuses so much on getting his work done, he never reads any sex books or anything on sex or marriage. He likes to read historical novels.
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Old 04-26-2011, 08:53 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confessions of an Orgasmic Unsatisfied Wife

Hey Sara, didn't want to make you cry. But, I love to give, I really do, it would be nice to get back sometimes too though. I love to give oral, use vibs etc and offer all the time. Wow, you said two or three times a week for sex? We used to be about 2 to 3 times per month, not enough for me at all. I would worship the ground a woman walks on if she would let me satisfy her sexually. If I did come first, I would always find a way to make sure the wife was taken care of.
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Old 04-27-2011, 08:09 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confessions of an Orgasmic Unsatisfied Wife

MGirl, he reads books, he reads every night at bedtime...he just won't read anything besides these historical novels or sports...nothing about sex ever. He will watch porn maybe once a month but never with me (although I have asked).

I need to accept him the way he is. He was this way when we married 20 yrs ago. I need to let go of this resentment and just love him the way he is.

And for the guys who have regular sex and have been married a while!!, how many honestly take the time to make sure she is satisfied every time? I would be shocked if it's more than 1% of men.

I just think the ideal sex life as portrayed in my mind does not exist - it only exists in early relationships, movies, and novels.
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Old 04-27-2011, 08:24 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confessions of an Orgasmic Unsatisfied Wife

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I need to accept him the way he is. He was this way when we married 20 yrs ago. I need to let go of this resentment and just love him the way he is.
I don't agree with that. Its not ok for you to finish in sex and not care about him. In fact, the reason you have quickies with him is to make him happy. If he isn't willing to return that, thats not ok.

Quote:
And for the guys who have regular sex and have been married a while!!, how many honestly take the time to make sure she is satisfied every time? I would be shocked if it's more than 1% of men.
Any time she wants to or can O, thats my 100% top priority. I've never rejected my wife. I've gotten off before my wife by accident, but we wait a few minutes till I can get it going again and finish her.

You have been very giving sex wise and he isn't willing to return the favor.
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