Resentful because I've lost my desire for sex - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-25-2011, 05:55 PM Thread Starter
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Resentful because I've lost my desire for sex

Hello all ... I posted a while back about my marriage of 27 years. I wrote a long letter to my H about how unhappy I was, and had been. In the month since he read it, we've started MC. We've had one session so far and have another one tomorrow. I've been in IC since August of 2010.

One of the main issues in our marriage, and its one that I've talked to him about many times, is sex ... or should I say, the lack thereof. Throughout our marriage we had sex on the average of 4 - 5 times per year. Yes, even in our younger years. (I just turned 50 and he'll be 50 in a few months). I used to initiate occasionally, and I'll immediately say he only turned me down once. But I stopped initiating a few years ago because he's never made me feel desirable or wanted ... we've never really flirted or had that kind of easy sexual chemistry.

When I gave him the letter a few weeks ago, he told me that he's never really liked sex. Then, when I pressed him, he told me that it hurt him sometimes when he came. Now, this was news to me ... and I was pretty angry that all these years he'd let me think it was ME that was the problem. He never has gone to the doctor about this problem and he says its only once in awhile, so not something that happens all the time.

Ok, now here's my issue finally ... Both my personal counselor and my marriage counselor have said that I need to initiate more often since I'm the higher drive spouse. As my counselor said, "fake it till you make it." He works nights as a state correction officer and has for 21 years, so our nights when we can actually be in bed together are only once or twice per week. But now, I find that I have absolutely NO DESIRE to have sex with him anymore. I don't want him to touch me and I sure as hell don't want to initiate it myself. We're friendly with each other and get along ok as far as that goes, but its like roommates, not intimate husband and wife. I think I've gone so long like this that all my desire is gone.

Our marriage counselor gave us "homework" for our session tomorrow. He had to write a letter to ME like I did to him, using anger as the focus. And I had to write a list ... "I am angry about/when ..." One of the things I wrote in my list is that I'm angry because we've never had a good sex life and now it's too late because I don't even want sex anymore. I find that I'm getting angrier and angrier about this and I dont know if I can get past this or not ... I know that I sure can't see myself having sex with him again.

I know we've only had one session, but I'm not sure if counseling is gonna be able to help me with this or not. And I dont think he really gets how serious this issue is for me. Back in late Feb. I had actually put a deposit down on an apartment but lost the money as I didn't leave. I told him about it last week and he didnt say much, which is typical. On Sat. we were at a home improvement store for grass seed and went in quick to browse the granite countertops since we're thinking of them for our house. I made a comment that black appliances would be sharp in the kitchen since I'd seen them in the apartment I put the deposit on. He said .. WHAT? WAIT! You actually LOOKED at an apartment??!! I was like of course I did ... I wouldn't rent one site unseen. WTF?? Did he think I lied or that I was just kidding or something?? What do I have to do to get him to see that our marriage is in serious trouble?

There are other major issues besides the sex ... like communication obviously. I guess I kind of rambled away from my original issue, which is the lack of desire that I now have .. or don't have ... whichever. I guess what I'm wondering is if I'll ever get that back. Or is just too late? And if it IS too late, I guess I have to figure out what, if anything, to do with that information ...

Thanks in advance for reading this ramble ... and for any insight.
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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-25-2011, 06:06 PM
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Re: Resentful because I've lost my desire for sex

I think you can get the desire back. It was enough of an issue for you to start counseling. Most people don't do to counseling for a lost cause. I don't know if your husband is just naturally low desiring, or if his orgasm issues could play a part, or both. Believe me, malfunctioning plumbing is a huge issue for any man. So that could be a bigger deal than you think.

Don't get discouraged with one session of counseling. Right now, you just need to clear the air. You can't address problems you don't know about. Once you have identified some issues, you can start to move toward resolution. At that point, you'll probably feel better about your relationship.

And I agree with your counselor. You would initiate sex and never get turned down. So why hesitate to initiate sex? Sex needs momentum. The more you have, the more you want. And vice versa. If you can get some desire for your husband back, start initiating and keep it up until he starts to initiate. Then, both of you keep it up.

Good luck.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-25-2011, 07:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Resentful because I've lost my desire for sex

I dont discount that a "plumbing" issue could be a big deal. But what bothers me is that in all these years ... and me talking with him about many times ... is that he apparently never considered it a big enough deal to do anything about it. He's never been to a doctor to see what could be going on. That was the first thing he was asked in MC ... "why didnt you ever go see a doctor?"

Why hesitate to initiate? Because I've never felt wanted, or desired, or like he just couldnt keep his hands off me. Every woman .. and from what I read here every man too ... wants and needs to feel that from their spouse. That's part of what builds that intimacy that a married couple should have. After years of that, I just feel dead. I can no more imagine having sex with him now than I can imagine cutting off my hand. I'm not trying to be argumentative here ... just saying what I'm feeling.

We've had sex 3 times since August, each time initiated by him. It's always at night, always in the dark, and always in bed before sleep. It was awkward and tense, at least for me. He did tell me last month that it was awkward for him too. I dont WANT to initiate ... I have absolutely no desire, both literally or figuratively, to be that way with him anymore.

I think it might be too late ...
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-25-2011, 09:34 PM
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Re: Resentful because I've lost my desire for sex

Originally Posted by tranquility View Post
I dont discount that a "plumbing" issue could be a big deal. But what bothers me is that in all these years ... and me talking with him about many times ... is that he apparently never considered it a big enough deal to do anything about it. He's never been to a doctor to see what could be going on. That was the first thing he was asked in MC ... "why didnt you ever go see a doctor?"
I went through this, too. Not for 27 years, you poor thing, but for about three years. My H hid his problems from me even though he could see how much i was trying and suffering from it. he offered no help, nothing. I had/have a ton of resentment towards him.

I've also lost my sex drive, although i dont resent my H for that since i think it was my choice. i knew staying with him meant less sex and if i wasnt going to lose my mind, i realized that id have to put a cap on my drive. So i guess i see it as my choice.

i think your counselor is full of crap!!! by telling you to initiate more. i would have let that counselor know just how wrong they were. So your H has a problem, fine. we all feel very sad for the poor COWARD!! He let you suffer for years with his little secret and now you're supposed to come on to him AGAIN! no freakin' way. tell that counselor he needs a head check.

If you want your sex drive to come back you'll have to leave your H. You'll have to rebuild your self esteem and get away from him.

"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-25-2011, 10:09 PM
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Re: Resentful because I've lost my desire for sex

It isn't me, but my wife whom I am referring too here. We started counseling and it came to my attention that sex hurts. This is news to me. We haven't had sex in 8 months and I have grown very frustrated. I guess my biggest frustration is how does she know it still hurts if we haven't had sex in 8 months. Ready to start looking around but consider my kids too strong a factor sometimes.
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-26-2011, 01:44 AM
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Re: Resentful because I've lost my desire for sex

Tranquility - over the years, your husband has killed your libido by his lack of interest etc. You have grown sexually indifferent to each other.
You BOTH have to decide whether or not you want a sexual relationship with each other..if the answer is yes, then he needs to get his plumbing checked and overcome his fears. Whilst he may have to re-light your flame, its up to you to make sure you provide the gas for it!

My wife killed my sexual desire for her by constant rejection.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-26-2011, 02:38 AM
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Re: Resentful because I've lost my desire for sex

I don't think you should have to initiate more. He has to go to the Dr, go to counseling and figure out what is wrong with him.

You are wanting to leave because he does not make you feel desired like he should. You initiating more will make you feel worse.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-26-2011, 05:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Resentful because I've lost my desire for sex

I guess it's gonna be like Blanca says ... if I stay with him I'll have to make a conscious choice to forgo sex. We have a nice home and will be retiring within 5 years. We've had retirement plans in place for several years which I was really looking forward to but now I'm not so sure. Our son is a college junior who does very well academically so young kids are not an issue for us.

That long history that we share is hard to ignore and he's been there for me through some tough times. We're friends right now ... when I'm not dwelling on my resentment, that is ... and I guess things could be worse. But it's gonna take a lot of work on my part to put aside my feelings of anger and loss ... it's almost like I'm grieving for my sex life.

I have NEVER ONCE rejected him on the rare occasions when he initiated sex ... but I dont think I can say that in the future.
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