Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Northern New York
Resentful because I've lost my desire for sex
Hello all ... I posted a while back about my marriage of 27 years. I wrote a long letter to my H about how unhappy I was, and had been. In the month since he read it, we've started MC. We've had one session so far and have another one tomorrow. I've been in IC since August of 2010.
One of the main issues in our marriage, and its one that I've talked to him about many times, is sex ... or should I say, the lack thereof. Throughout our marriage we had sex on the average of 4 - 5 times per year. Yes, even in our younger years. (I just turned 50 and he'll be 50 in a few months). I used to initiate occasionally, and I'll immediately say he only turned me down once. But I stopped initiating a few years ago because he's never made me feel desirable or wanted ... we've never really flirted or had that kind of easy sexual chemistry.
When I gave him the letter a few weeks ago, he told me that he's never really liked sex. Then, when I pressed him, he told me that it hurt him sometimes when he came. Now, this was news to me ... and I was pretty angry that all these years he'd let me think it was ME that was the problem. He never has gone to the doctor about this problem and he says its only once in awhile, so not something that happens all the time.
Ok, now here's my issue finally ... Both my personal counselor and my marriage counselor have said that I need to initiate more often since I'm the higher drive spouse. As my counselor said, "fake it till you make it." He works nights as a state correction officer and has for 21 years, so our nights when we can actually be in bed together are only once or twice per week. But now, I find that I have absolutely NO DESIRE to have sex with him anymore. I don't want him to touch me and I sure as hell don't want to initiate it myself. We're friendly with each other and get along ok as far as that goes, but its like roommates, not intimate husband and wife. I think I've gone so long like this that all my desire is gone.
Our marriage counselor gave us "homework" for our session tomorrow. He had to write a letter to ME like I did to him, using anger as the focus. And I had to write a list ... "I am angry about/when ..." One of the things I wrote in my list is that I'm angry because we've never had a good sex life and now it's too late because I don't even want sex anymore. I find that I'm getting angrier and angrier about this and I dont know if I can get past this or not ... I know that I sure can't see myself having sex with him again.
I know we've only had one session, but I'm not sure if counseling is gonna be able to help me with this or not. And I dont think he really gets how serious this issue is for me. Back in late Feb. I had actually put a deposit down on an apartment but lost the money as I didn't leave. I told him about it last week and he didnt say much, which is typical. On Sat. we were at a home improvement store for grass seed and went in quick to browse the granite countertops since we're thinking of them for our house. I made a comment that black appliances would be sharp in the kitchen since I'd seen them in the apartment I put the deposit on. He said .. WHAT? WAIT! You actually LOOKED at an apartment??!! I was like of course I did ... I wouldn't rent one site unseen. WTF?? Did he think I lied or that I was just kidding or something?? What do I have to do to get him to see that our marriage is in serious trouble?
There are other major issues besides the sex ... like communication obviously. I guess I kind of rambled away from my original issue, which is the lack of desire that I now have .. or don't have ... whichever. I guess what I'm wondering is if I'll ever get that back. Or is just too late? And if it IS too late, I guess I have to figure out what, if anything, to do with that information ...
Thanks in advance for reading this ramble ... and for any insight.