Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
My husband has ED and has for the past 2 years. Initially, he was very depressed, also a smoker and age 44. He used to have a wicked sex drive and was at me all of the time. For the past 2 years, this has not been the case. He was taking an ED drug but stopped about 2 months ago. He has started working out and quit smoking (6 months now) so the meds don't seem to be as necessary. There are times when it is more difficult to keep him erect still but not often. Throughout the two years that there were erectile problems the sex was sporadic. He didn't want to initiate out of fear that it wouldn't work and I didn't initiate often because I didnot want him to get upset if it didn't work. Anyway, like I said, there are not a lot of problems maintaining an erection and I can get him erect with a little effort. However, over the past two years we only have sex in about 2-3 positions. Considering he is not taking medication anymore he may still be fearful of not being able to perform. My questions for the men who experienced ED are: 1. Are there certain positions that worked better to help maintain an erection? 2. What was the overall effect on your sex drive? 3. If your sex drive was decreased did you stop showing your wife affection outside of the bedroom as well?
I am so unsure what to do or say. I feel that he is no longer attracted to me or in love with me but if it is more related to the ED I want to be supportive and not question him all the time. I would really appreciate any input as it is not a topic my husband discusses openly.
I should also add that he does occasionally initiate now and he has never turned down my attempts.
My questions for the men who experienced ED are: 1. Are there certain positions that worked better to help maintain an erection? 2. What was the overall effect on your sex drive? 3. If your sex drive was decreased did you stop showing your wife affection outside of the bedroom as well?
1) While I have found no position that maintains erections better, I have found that some positions make the most of an inadequate erection.
2) The inability to perform has not lowered my desire to get some. Yes that does result in quite a bit of frustration.
3) I have been accused of that. I believe that many men have suffered the same accusation.
There is a lot more to talk about here but I think your question is, "Is he still attracted to me?" Comparing other men's symptoms is not likely to get you a solid answer. I think you will find that the answers will vary too much.
I would say off the top of my head that losing weight and stopping smoking are pretty good indicators that he is very interested in keeping things working. Unfortunately like many men his age he has fallen into some bad relationship habits. In short you thought he would snap back to his old self when the cause of the problem went away, but men resist change.
Keep encouraging him, communicate openly,Stop worrying so much. Wouldn't it be tragic if after going through the pain of nicotine withdrawal his reward was endless suspicion and unfounded jealousy?
I had some mild ED a while back due to the blood pressure medication that I was on. I changed meds and still have it a little, but it is even milder than before and seldom a problem.
However, then and even now, I often use a penis ring that constricts the blood return from the penis. They work great and you can get them at Walmart, CVS, etc.
I also find doggy style the best because that is simply the position that feels the best to me.
One more thing, just be supportive. I remember one time when it hit and I was kind of getting upset and anxious, my wife said the sweetest thing to me. She said, "Don't worry about it. You know plenty of ways to get me off. Go down on me and let's see what happens."
As I went down on her, I get really turned on and " LO AND BEHOLD" Mr. happy woke up!!!
As a confidence booster, has he tried any of the ED drugs? I went through a spell where, due to stress, I wasn't feeling all that confident in my ability to perform on demand like I used to. So I got a prescription for Cialis, aka "the weekend pill". For me, it definitely worked as advertised. The only side effect (besides the drain on my wallet) was a headache about 6 hours after taking it, but that was taken care of with an Advil. Currently, my stress levels have been reduced and things are better, so I save the pills for "special" occasions...
Dan's advice about getting rid of the pressure to perform is also good.
My husband has ED and has for the past 2 years. Initially, he was very depressed, also a smoker and age 44. He used to have a wicked sex drive and was at me all of the time. For the past 2 years, this has not been the case. He was taking an ED drug but stopped about 2 months ago. He has started working out and quit smoking (6 months now) so the meds don't seem to be as necessary. There are times when it is more difficult to keep him erect still but not often. Throughout the two years that there were erectile problems the sex was sporadic. He didn't want to initiate out of fear that it wouldn't work and I didn't initiate often because I didnot want him to get upset if it didn't work. Anyway, like I said, there are not a lot of problems maintaining an erection and I can get him erect with a little effort. However, over the past two years we only have sex in about 2-3 positions. Considering he is not taking medication anymore he may still be fearful of not being able to perform. My questions for the men who experienced ED are: 1. Are there certain positions that worked better to help maintain an erection? 2. What was the overall effect on your sex drive? 3. If your sex drive was decreased did you stop showing your wife affection outside of the bedroom as well?
I am so unsure what to do or say. I feel that he is no longer attracted to me or in love with me but if it is more related to the ED I want to be supportive and not question him all the time. I would really appreciate any input as it is not a topic my husband discusses openly.
I should also add that he does occasionally initiate now and he has never turned down my attempts.
Have you tried Sensate Focus exercises? This is what a Sex Therapist would send you home with as your sexual homework -to help him overcome some Performance Anxiety- nice article here :
I caused my husband Performance Aniety for a time, he was a real champ about it all, he never turned me down. I went out of my way to spice things up to help him overcome -from buying books to teach me new techniques, watching porn together, new Lingerie, Sex games, creative flirting, oral sex is an absolute must, and some of this "Sensate Focus".
I hope you can talk your husband back into using those "Erection enhancers" for those times where you might be pushing his "desire" to the max, this is a true blessing, probably saved my sanity during that time. Men's "refractory period" can vary from hours to DAYS when they get up in their 40's, due to declining Testosterone levels, diabetes, meds that interfere with the hydraulics, etc.
And these are not addicting, he can use them for a time to get over a hump (anxiety), and put them down, and not need them again for years. I have found cutting a 50mg Viagra into 4's still works its charm .
Sounds like he is doing alot to overcome some health issues t get back in the sack. All of us women start to wonder "Does he still desire me?" when these things start to happen. The fact he is willing and not turning you down, this speaks volumes. Rest in that, and work on turning the heat up from your end.
I'm not a man, but my husband has suffered from ED for a few years due to medications and medical issues.
The ED drugs do not work for him (we've tried them all) and they are not a magic pill for everyone.
Positions do not make a difference for him, as he loses it once he starts.
The O-rings do help quite a bit by keeping blood flow into the area - they are not a perfect solution, for us, but it does help. You can find them anywhere, rubber, leather, with attachments, etc.
It has been a big blow to him as he was extremely sexual prior to the ED beginning, he's still trying to deal with it and has practically shut off sex due to fear of failure. I'm trying to get him to understand that it's not all about his p*nis - hopefully he'll wake up before too much longer.
Question for men who have or had ED... 
Re: Question for men who have or had ED... 
