Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
For the first ten years of our marriage my wife was a raging nympho.
Understand I am not a selfish lover, I adore her body and soul and often will spend hours pleasuring her to the point of her exhaustion then hold her in my arms after she passes out without getting off myself.
I enjoy knowing I`m able to do this to her.
Her orgasm feels better to me than my own.
Around our tenth anniversary her interest in sex was vastly reduced and I noticed she was simply having "Obligatory sex" doing the things she knew would get me off quickly to get it over with
I increased my efforts to be a loving husband as well as improving myself hoping this was just a phase.
So one night when this obligatory sex began I simply stopped got off her and asked her what was up.
She denied it but I told her her acting wasn`t nearly as good as she thinks.
I told her I could easily tell when a woman is ****ing me because she wants me or ****ing me because she feels she has to.
She then got mad and told me sex was sometimes a "chore" and she didn`t tell me because she didn`t want to lose me.
She knows it`s a deal breaker for me,
I got mad, she simply didn`t understand why I was upset because she felt sex with me was sometimes a "chore".
She figured as long as she was doing it it was enough.
I couldn`t make her understand how wrong she was.
I told her she didn`t have to worry about losing me because I`d never leave our daughter.
She began to cry and said she would like to think I stayed in our marriage because of her and my love for her.
I told her I`d like to think she had sex with me because she wanted me and loved me but apparently we can`t always get what we want.
The next week she wanted nothing more than to get me inside of her but I constantly rejected her.I was very angry.
She was now the same raging nympho I married years before
The week after that I resumed affection for her, my anger had subsided and I would kiss, cuddle, hold her in bed but found she couldn`t get me erect. Somewhere in my head her "Chore" comment was still angering me.
This destroyed her, the idea that she couldn`t sexually excite me no matter what she did (and believe me she tried)terrified her.
She got so irrational about it one night she bolted out to the driveway to search my truck for evidence of an affair.
She was convinced I must be using all my sexual energies elsewhere since she couldn`t arouse me.
Women can be so full of themselves concerning their own sexual value and affect over men.
When she returned from the driveway in tears (empty handed) I held her and told her I did love her and explained that perhaps a twentysomething man gets hard no matter what and holds no concern about what his woman thinks/wants but that I was more mature than that, I needed an emotional connection that she wasn`t giving me, that her comment hurt me and I simply didn`t want a woman who didn`t want me.
I explained that sexual intimacy was important to me to be able to strengthen our relationship to feel closer to her than I`d ever felt to anyone.
She claimed she did want me and now I believed her after witnessing her desire the previous weeks.(Women always want what they can`t have)
I asked how was I supposed to know if she wanted me or was just doing her "chores"?
I told her the only way I could protect myself was by not having sex with her and apparently my sub conscience agreed since I seemed to have an ED problem all of a sudden.
She told me it hurt her that I didn`t want her.
I asked her to recall that I had made the same exact statement to her the week before.
She fell asleep in tears.
The next day I asked a friend for a Viagra as I simply couldn`t stand seeing her so hurt.
In some surreal twist of desperation I was now going to use chemical enhancement in order to give her "obligatory sex".
The irony and hypocrisy of what I was doing didn`t escape me.
I simply didn`t know what else to do.
This problem had wreaked havoc on what was normally a loving, intimate relationship.
I wanted that back.
That night after I got out of the shower I popped the Viagra and slipped into bed with her.
I put my arms around her and kissed her.
She looked into my eyes and said "I`m sorry, I`m sorry I hurt you."
She admitted she had been taking me for granted and the thought that I might be seeing someone else had made her realize it.
She explained that she hadn`t understood how a man could be hurt by her "chore" comment. She figured men didn`t care as long as they were getting some.
It had taken a role reversal for her to realize how wrong she was.
With the aid of that Viagra we made love until the early morning.
Fantastically passionate, loving and seemingly endless.
It was arguably the best sex we`d ever had and that`s no small statement.
It was so good to feel/know her desire for me that I never wanted to stop.
She doesn`t know about the Viagra and our sex life is much improved from those months we had this problem although I still have a touch of ED at times.
The conclusions we came to were many.
We`re getting older and our bodies can`t always give us what we want them to.
We needed to de stress, spend more intimate non sexual time together just for us.
Funny enough I have begun to initiate far less often as I figured "do I really need sex 4 times a week? To give her a break.
At the same time her libido has come back to what it had been for the first 10 years and she`s initiating 4-5 times a week.
We`re still working on us as far as doing things for ourselves as I believe a lot of our problem was the toll our kids took on us.
We now make time for just us at least once a week and we run off and leave the kids behind to do something together much more often.
We`re getting closer, it`s as if we`re rediscovering each other on many levels.
Our sexual disfunction may have made our marriage stronger.
For those men out there with disinterested wives I don`t know if any of this can help you as people are all different but I think I know why I was able to stop a serious problem before it got terrible.
I simply wouldn`t stand for it.
I let her know what I needed and wouldn`t settle for less.
I let her know in no uncertain terms her developing attitude was a deal breaker and she would eventually lose me, sooner rather than later.
I reminded her that I was valuable, that losing me wasn`t something she wanted, that taking me for granted wasn`t an option.
It also helps that I`m young, successful, and easily attract the opposite sex. She knew I couldn`t be trapped in a relationship that made me unhappy.
I also let her know I loved her and needed the intimacy she was on the verge of throwing way.
I let her know she was the only woman I wanted to be intimate with and that it was torture to believe she didn`t want me.
I was able to make her understand that sex wasn`t an optional benefit but a foundational pillar of our relationship.
That without it we`d drift apart.
Many others will chime in here i am sure, but i want to comment on one thing you said, "I let her know what I needed and wouldn`t settle for less."
I know in my own marrige, obligatory sexual contact is something that happens far to often. It seems like many women truly do think that if they are "giving it up" that their man should be good with that. The thing that too many ladies do not seem to get is that for a man, Sex is about being desired, accepted and respected. If it was just about getting off, lets all face it we can do that ourselves.
With that comment tho, you said a real mouthfull. A man does not need to accept pity sex. It may mean for some of us that we get the option, which is no sexual contact at all, but to accept "chores" from your partner is demeening.
I am glad the two of you got things back on track.
Women can be so full of themselves concerning their own sexual value and affect over men.
I understand what you mean, but at the same time your message is that she had a massive effect on you and your sexual response. Posted via Mobile Device
I simply wouldn`t stand for it.
I let her know what I needed and wouldn`t settle for less.
I let her know in no uncertain terms her developing attitude was a deal breaker and she would eventually lose me, sooner rather than later.
I reminded her that I was valuable, that losing me wasn`t something she wanted, that taking me for granted wasn`t an option.
It also helps that I`m young, successful, and easily attract the opposite sex. She knew I couldn`t be trapped in a relationship that made me unhappy.
I also let her know I loved her and needed the intimacy she was on the verge of throwing way.
I let her know she was the only woman I wanted to be intimate with and that it was torture to believe she didn`t want me.
I was able to make her understand that sex wasn`t an optional benefit but a foundational pillar of our relationship.
That without it we`d drift apart.
I just want to tell you as a woman, I could not agree with your words spoken above more so ^^^^. My husband is LIKE YOU-my pleasure has always meant more to him, he would not even have sex with me IF he so much as felt I was "not into it".
Where me & him differ is >>> he would remain married to me even If I gave him nothing or very little sexually & just suffer (which is clearly not his situation -as I am quite seductive these days) BUt I, on the other hand (like you) would NEVER be able to remain in a marraige without DESIRE from my partner, it simply means too da** much to me. I NEED the passion, the emotional intimacy, ALL OF IT, or I would wither. It would effect all areas of my life.
I loved your story. I wonder your ages?
If I as much as ever told my husband what your wife said to you -the "chore" comment - I KNOW it would have a similar effect on him. He is very sensitive like that, it would KILL him. I have NEVER EVER in my life felt like that though. Though I have made some seriously rediculous comments in our past relating to sex. We can chuckle about them today.
I think your wife learned a very very valuable lesson from that, it is AMAZING what having the tables turned can do, sure wakes us up! LOVE your outcome!!
I Can tell you our attitudes, our enthusiam can go a He** of a way to arouse a man. My husband is on the lower end of what is considered "Normal levels" testosterone wise. The Encronologist told us he had levels consistent for a 60 yr old man (this comment worried me for MONTHS- caused me great stress), he was 45 at the time. But still functioning fairly well so he did not need treatment.
MY DESIRE for him gets him going a good 5 times a week, sometimes 6. (he is 47 now) On occasion, he splits a viagra, and it does make him last longer & harder. LOVE the stuff! Greatest drug ever haphazardly discoverd. Blessed to live in this day & age.
Nothing is Sweeter & more euphoric in this LIFE than feeling desired & wanted by the one we love & feeling that same passion for them, needing them in that very intimate way, getting lost in each other & coming together (literally).
With that comment tho, you said a real mouthfull. A man does not need to accept pity sex. It may mean for some of us that we get the option, which is no sexual contact at all, but to accept "chores" from your partner is demeening.
It was emasculating for me, I couldn`t do it.
The options (no sex, ending relationship) are dire and so very difficult but preferable to the emasculation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClipClop
Women can be so full of themselves concerning their own sexual value and affect over men.
I understand what you mean, but at the same time your message is that she had a massive effect on you and your sexual response. Posted via Mobile Device
Most definitely but not the affect she thought, in fact her thought was horribly egotistical.
She believed the only possible reason I could fail to become excited by her was that someone else was doing it already.
It in itself was demeaning, as if I was ruled by my penis and my mental state and emotional needs were irrelevant.
I NEED the passion, the emotional intimacy, ALL OF IT, or I would wither. It would effect all areas of my life.
The idea scared the hell out of me.
I was having visions of my family eventually torn apart over this or a lifetime of horrible unfulfillment.
Niether are particularly endearing.
Quote:
I loved your story. I wonder your ages?
I`m 44 my wife is 40.
Quote:
I Can tell you our attitudes, our enthusiam can go a He** of a way to arouse a man. My husband is on the lower end of what is considered "Normal levels" testosterone wise. The Encronologist told us he had levels consistent for a 60 yr old man (this comment worried me for MONTHS- caused me great stress), he was 45 at the time. But still functioning fairly well so he did not need treatment.
Getting checked out is something I need to do soon as while I`m still functioning well I have my moments.
Might be something as simple as a low testosterone level.
Quote:
MY DESIRE for him gets him going a good 5 times a week, sometimes 6. (he is 47 now) On occasion, he splits a viagra, and it does make him last longer & harder. LOVE the stuff! Greatest drug ever haphazardly discoverd. Blessed to live in this day & age.
We use it on occasion as well for those time when I know she`s going to seriously put me through my paces.
She`s aware of my use of the drug now though.
Nothing is Sweeter & more euphoric in this LIFE than feeling desired & wanted by the one we love & feeling that same passion for them, needing them in that very intimate way, getting lost in each other & coming together (literally). [/QUOTE]
She understands that`s what I need now.
I`m very thankful for that because for awhile there it really seemed like she couldn`t grasp the concept which was so strange to me since she herself needs it.
Great story and interesting perspective on shifting libidos over the course of a long-term marriage.
I try to give my wife the benefit of the doubt when we have sex, because I know full well that there are plenty of times when she is doing it just to take care of me, because she loves me, more than for her own pleasure. In times like this she doesn't scream in ecstasy, kiss me passionately or try too hard to have an orgasm - basically a quickie for me before she heads to work. While it's not ideal, I do appreciate the effort because it shows she is not just thinking of herself but about my needs since I am the nympho in the relationship right now. Ultimately I end up loving her more for it.
Many others will chime in here i am sure, but i want to comment on one thing you said, "I let her know what I needed and wouldn`t settle for less."
I know in my own marrige, obligatory sexual contact is something that happens far to often. It seems like many women truly do think that if they are "giving it up" that their man should be good with that. The thing that too many ladies do not seem to get is that for a man, Sex is about being desired, accepted and respected. If it was just about getting off, lets all face it we can do that ourselves.
With that comment tho, you said a real mouthfull. A man does not need to accept pity sex. It may mean for some of us that we get the option, which is no sexual contact at all, but to accept "chores" from your partner is demeening.
I am glad the two of you got things back on track.
This woman gets it, my dear Dadeo! With my sex drive and my attitude toward sex, I think I may have been male in a past life.
What a LUCKY bastard Mr.G is! He woke me up for sex last night and we still made love, even though I was tired. We had a great time.
Getting checked out is something I need to do soon as while I`m still functioning well I have my moments.
Might be something as simple as a low testosterone level.
Here is a great thread to read on Testosterone and symptoms that warrent Treatment. The Numbers themselves mean less than accual symptoms (normal can be anywhere from 300 to 1100) , I believe my husband has always been on the lower side of "normal" but he functions well , he was never an aggressive man-usually those guys have the HIGHER numbers, as an example.
Sitting down to pay the bills is a chore.
Mowing the yard, is a chore.
Cleaning house, is a chore.
Teaching kickboxing is a chore.
Going to the store, is a chore
If you have kids, taking care of kids can be a chore too.
Hell, sometimes if I don't feel good, to get out of bed is a chore.
I would think sometimes for some people sex would be no different. If she is having sex with you out of obligation, and her response to you about it being a chore is BS to you and/or you feel she isn't being truthful, then hopefully you can get to the bottom of what might truly be going on.
I do think sometimes there is more going on than someone saying its a chore to have sex although there might be some truth to it. I know its hard to believe that some people find sex to be a chore when it should be fun and exciting. So with that being said, Its probably more along the lines of it being a chore emotionally more so than physically, unless she is extremely tired or has some medical issues going on. So once things are ruled out medically/physically, then the emotional side needs to be addressed.
Maybe there is something medical going on?
........ Its probably more along the lines of it being a chore emotionally more so than physically, unless she is extremely tired or has some medical issues going on. So once things are ruled out medically/physically, then the emotional side needs to be addressed.
It is possible that there is a medical problem but she denies it.
I have sent her to the doctor for some muscle cramping trouble she`s been having for awhile.
They`re still trying to determine what`s up with that but working on it through process of elimination.
However she denies her physical problems are at the root of the sexual problems.
I don`t buy it entirely.
It is being addressed though.
She cited stress over our boys life situations being a factor and I am trying to relieve her of that stress as much as possible.
However I must say that "for me" she is my safe place.
When life gets hard and stressful I go to her for intimacy and understanding no matter how stressed I am she could`t possibly add to the stress.She`s my cure for the stress.
Considering this it`s difficult for me to understand how intimacy can be just another "chore" in an already stressful life when for me it`s the one thing that keeps all other stresses at bay.
I think there might be something deeper she`s unwilling to discuss but I`m working at getting to it.
However we are at least at a place where we both understand the importance of this problem and it`s getting better..much better.
I believe the fact that I dealt with it in a "shock & awe" type of approach is what gave us the chance to get where we are now.
Dodged a Bullet? 
Greatest drug ever haphazardly discoverd. Blessed to live in this day & age. 
This woman gets it, my dear Dadeo! With my sex drive and my attitude toward sex, I think I may have been male in a past life.
