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porn and romance novels

17K views 223 replies 41 participants last post by  richardsharpe 
#1 ·
Romance novels can become addictive By Kimberly Giles
Romance Novels: Dangerous, Harmless, or Just Fun?
{A&E} Romance Novels: Another Form of Porn?****** Bardsley
Romance Novel – To A Man – Reads Like Female Porn BY ALEX MARSHALL

Are romance novels as bad for relationships as porn?Katherine Feeney

this type of books are leading the sales by the greatest margin of any type out there.

and many experts now think they are as harmful of porn to a relationship, that many women use this as an escape and are addicted to them and start using it as a ruler to gauge their own relationship which can lead to unreasonable expectations and more prone to cheat.

just food for thought.
 
#2 ·
I can believe it.

I think these things have to be used pretty sparingly. Such as just another tool in one's sexuality. The problem is when it becomes the singularity of one's sexuality.

And I think just like habits, we have to monitor how often we are using these tools so that they don't become a habit. Habit can lead to addiction. So I do think the more often one engages in porn or sexual romance novel fantasy, it will become a habit. When it tips over to addiction is when it leads to the highs/lows.
 
#3 ·
Porn distorts and perverts a man's view of what a woman is and should be in the area of sex. Romance novels do the same to women. They paint a picture of what women wish men were, but aren't. With that said, I try to be the guy in the romance novel, that my wife wishes I would be and I wouldn't object to her trying to be a porn star in my bed. :)
 
#4 ·
I've read so many articles that are on opposite sides of this argument. I've read a lot of experts who say if two people are committed to each other but one has a much higher sex drive than the other then it's fine for them to use porn or erotic literature and masturbation as a way to supplement the difference in drive. That's a healthy outlet. Cheating isn't.

For those people who think love should always be honeymoon-type love or newlywed love then this won't help them. They're probably going to cheat.
 
#5 ·
Are they addictive? I can agree that they are. But it depends if you have an addictive personality. I just posted in another thread about my wife's Kindle. Fully kinked. Is she addicted? No, she leaves it for months at a time. Does it affect our lives? Somewhat, I know if she's been reading it I had better be ready.
 
#6 ·
It probably has the same effect that soap operas did back in the day. I'm not a book worm. The types of books I read are self help or if I'm doing a women's bible study. I think we are all looking for an escape from reality at times, especially those of us who feel overwhelmed. I hate to admit it but I like to watch the housewives reality shows. Yes it's trash tv and maybe even scripted, but it's an escape from MY reality. It's just entertainment. I'm mature enough to know what's acceptable in real life and what isn't. A younger woman may look at those shows and it may plant seeds of divorce since everyone on those shows end up divorced. On the flip side, thousands of husbands are appreciative of books like 50 shades, bc they are benefiting from it. I don't know if wives benefit from their hubbies watching porn?.
 
#15 ·
It probably has the same effect that soap operas did back in the day. I'm not a book worm. The types of books I read are self help or if I'm doing a women's bible study. I think we are all looking for an escape from reality at times, especially those of us who feel overwhelmed. I hate to admit it but I like to watch the housewives reality shows. Yes it's trash tv and maybe even scripted, but it's an escape from MY reality. It's just entertainment. I'm mature enough to know what's acceptable in real life and what isn't. A younger woman may look at those shows and it may plant seeds of divorce since everyone on those shows end up divorced. On the flip side, thousands of husbands are appreciative of books like 50 shades, bc they are benefiting from it. I don't know if wives benefit from their hubbies watching porn?.
True, there are lot of men would have no problems being a masturbation tool for their wives...I'm not one of them.
 
#7 · (Edited)
I personally feel that if used in excess they both are bad.

and that steering clear of them would be best.

I do see a double standard with the whole porn is bad but romance novels are just reading so its ok.

I also see a double standard with sex toys and how if a man can't orgasm with a woman its because hes trained himself with porn a tight grip and unrealistic expectations of what a real woman will do sexually or what she should look like etc,etc

if a man can train himself can a woman train her self?

are not romance novels unrealistic expectations of what real life romance is like. if you don't take the time to explore you self with your fingers only until you mastered how to orgasm then are you not training yourself to only orgasm through clit only response .

I have read articles by sex therapists say this exact thing I have read testimonials from women who actually realized this and stopped using their toy and through practice retaught themselves how to orgasm through PIV which they never did before.

I have no problem with any of this as long as both partners are happy with their sex life you could use a jackhammer as a sex aid and if both are cool with it great.
 
#8 ·
I personally feel that if used in excess they both are bad.

and that steering clear of them would be best.

I do see a double standard with the whole porn is bad but romance novels are just reading so its ok.

I also see a double standard with sex toys and how if a man can't orgasm with a woman its because hes trained himself with porn a tight grip and unrealistic expectations of what a real woman will do sexually or what she should look like etc,etc
It is a double standard. However, I do want to say that porn is used more often than romance novels so the stigma is going to be attached to porn more. While I do think there is undoubtedly a gendered double bias, bias may also be coming from the larger volume of use.

Edit: I don't think I made this clear. I am not for double standards.
 
#19 ·
Back in the mid nineties, there was a coworker of mine who would devour romance novels like there was no tomorrow. Kinda had me scratching my head because she was a brilliant engineer and very pretty. I always pictured her reading literature about science and whatnot...heh. Anyway, she was an adulterer too. I know because I was her OM for quite awhile. Not sure if it was the novels that led her astray or the fact that her husband was about 30 years older than her...that was another "WTF" for me.

Having never perused one of these "romance" novels, are they as "steamy" as I've been led to believe? Just curious.
 
#23 ·
its all about the romance and chase.

I'll give my take on the few I tried to read before just to see what there about.

a pretty woman down on her luck .......no fault of her own of course. finds herself in a strange new place for some crazy reason . meets a good looking guy early in the novel that she kind of thinks is an a$$ at first. he tries to hit on her and she rebuffs him because she thinks hes an a$$.

as things unfold she realizes that hes not an a$$ he might even be the most interesting man in the world. or an heir to so long lost fortune that she just happens to find out by accident. now every time there is a meeting they have this love hate filtration happening. dose she like or not conflict going on he dose something that pi$$es her off then she finds out why and thinks hes so cool for doing it. the tension builds until just by happen stance they end alone and have to spend the night together . when the finally have sex. hes the best kisser his d!ck is just the right size and he lasts long enough to give her her first multiple orgasms. then she feel bad for putting out but can't stop thinking about him and she fights those feeling but the tension is just to great and the next time it happens all over again.


the sex scenes are usually kind of tame in my opinion its all about the lead up and tension that builds.

pretty hard to compete with as I am just an ordinary guy who put his family first pays bills and everything else I do is not up to snuff.
 
#22 ·
My wife reads something on the magnitude of 2 to sometimes 5 books a week.

50% are work/home/farm related

The other half is some romance and some straight written word chick porn. The stuff she gets out of those books....has been

AWESOME.
 
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#27 ·
In regards to romance novels, the woman gets turned on and wants to be all over he husband. She's not looking to just please herself, but wants the romantic connection with him.

so you speak for all women

I think many women just please themselves just like men do.

don't kid yourself.
 
#28 ·
Visual porn for men involves a woman who doesn't require anything from the man except an erect penis. Porn for men is about sex without effort. The woman is making herself totally available with no effort in the man's part.

Erotica for women always includes a relationship. The relationship is driven by the man. He is intense! He will let nothing get in his way. Whether she ays hard to get or falls into his arms immediately, the man is doing most of the work to make it happen.

Porn/erotica its candy for your sex drive.
 
#31 ·
Visual porn for men involves a woman who doesn't require anything from the man except an erect penis. Porn for men is about sex without effort. The woman is making herself totally available with no effort in the man's part.

Erotica for women always includes a relationship. The relationship is driven by the man. He is intense! He will let nothing get in his way. Whether she ays hard to get or falls into his arms immediately, the man is doing most of the work to make it happen.

Porn/erotica its candy for your sex drive.
The bolded parts are typically why porn is seen as bad and erotic novels are ok.
 
#43 ·
I can't speak for all women as I know there are some women who watch and enjoy porn. Women watch porn on lesser levels tho. When I watched porn with my hubby I felt dirty afterwards. The few ( maybe 1) romance novels left something to the imagination and you didn't see the act. Maybe it's something about strangers having sex in front of other strangers to get paid to get others off, that made me feel dirty after. I know we live in a progressive society and everything, but I still see sex as something that should be reserved for your mate, and it shouldn't be cheapened. Plus I don't know how men can tune out the fake screeching?!
 
#47 ·
On the romance novel thing, I think it's sort of the same scenario as the male porn thing in a way.

The ordinary woman gets the complete attention of this totally unattainable guy. Mick Jagger is into me and me only! He could have any woman but he only wants me!

And because this totally off the charts guy wants her, she finds herself getting swept away and doing things she never expected.

Kind of like a porn star.
 
#61 ·
I don't believe women are typically "replaced" by porn all that often.

A man who knows he has a enthusiastic, attractive woman will always chose to be with her rather than masturbate.

On the other hand, I have actually found myself choosing to masturbate rather than attempt to initiate with my wife over the past few months.

This is a new one for me, but it has come after years of rejection, which has lessened my attraction for her (so that even on the rare times that I am successful, it is just not that awesome for me anymore).

If I was with someone else and knew on the typical Saturday night that I would always get a "yes" I would never do this.
 
#74 ·
Your example doesn't really fit the topic. You didn't deny because of porn and she isn't choosing romance novels over you.

As for whether or not is happens, it really does. A good friend's husband repeatedly turns her down and chooses porn over her. He'd rather have his fantasy porn than have sex with her. She gave him an ultimatum that he needs to choose: porn or her. My husband also chose porn over me and this was when I was pregnant with our son. That didn't go over well. I don't think it's talked about a lot because of the stereotype that men are supposed to "want sex all the time", so it's kept quiet when a man turns down his wife. It's only lately that more people are talking about it.
 
#66 · (Edited)
Books could be just as bad as porn depending on the user. I swear all of this stuff should come with warning labels like my curling iron does (Do not put in eye, can burn!) It's obvious, but people still do it apparently.

I personally don't read erotica. I don't have time to as I am with my kids all day. I wouldn't want my H watching porn if he was to be watching the kids - I don't read erotica while caring for the kids.

I also don't read it, because I don't like it. I just think the fantasy of it all is too....fantasy-ish for me. Like it's not realistic at all. I don't get turned on by things I can't imagine actually happening to me.

So, I think if the user takes it too far...yes, erotica could be just as addictive as porn.
 
#67 ·
Books could be just as bad as porn depending on the user. I swear all of this stuff should come with warning labels like my curling iron does (Do not put in eye, can burn!) It's obvious, but people still do it apparently.

I personally don't read erotica. I don't have time to as I am with my kids all day. I wouldn't want my H watching porn if he was to be watching the kids - I don't read erotica while caring for the kids.

I also don't read it, because I don't like it. I just think the fantasy of it all is too....fantasy-ish for me. Like it's not realistic at all. I don't get turned on by things I can't image actually happening to me.

So, I think if the user takes it too far...yes, erotica could be just as addictive as porn.
this is exactly how i feel about porn! its too fake and i want real life intimacy.
 
#68 ·
I just think porn is horrible. If a guy sees several private parts that are not his wife's, then his wife being naked is not going to be as big of a deal as it would have been, and some become less attracted to their wife. As far as romance novels, I can see where that can hurt a marriage too. A woman sees these extravagant romantic notions by other men to women they love, so the romantic notions done by their husband (which could have been a big deal to the husband and well thought-out) could not seem like as big of a deal.

I believe that adults should be able to watch porn (which I personally don't agree with) or read romance novels, because it's their right to do what they want, but if it begins affecting the marriage in the SLIGHTEST, they need to be trashed right away. Marriage comes first, always.
 
#69 ·
when I have watched porn its not the women that turns me on no matter how young a how hard there bodies are its the sex act themselves that dose it.

I like oral but my wife is not into giving so to see someone who just love to give it is very arousing.
 
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#70 ·
See, it makes your wife seem worse compared to the woman who loves to stick it in her mouth and deep throat. Any man would prefer the second.

I'm sorry your wife doesn't like oral. There are so many things you could try to get her to like it. Being romantic outside the bedroom, giving HER oral, suggesting the 69 position, things like chocolate syrup or the flavored lube. Tell her she doesn't have to deep throat as long as her mouth is there you're happy. When she does put her mouth there make a ton of noise like you really love it and that will encourage her to get more into it. That's what makes me like oral! Just be like "I know you don't like oral, but I will do it to you first, and if you just put your mouth there at all, that would mean so much to me because you are very sexy to me." and then do what I suggested above. Hope that will help.
 
#71 ·
I guess that I've always thought of them as being pretty similar. Porn is produced in such a manner as to appeal to men, and romance novels are written in such a way to appeal to women. The material difference is that they're produced with the old "men are visual and women are emotional" truism (though we know that men and women all can fall damn near anywhere on that spectrum) and so the difference may appear more stark than they really are. Each sex gets an avatar through which they can fantasize themselves being part of that story: the stud who gets the sex he wants without the relationship work; whose mere prescence is orgasm-inducing. The lady who gets the sex she wants along with a great relationship, because she was courted and attended to.

Either way, I don't think that either one of them is a bad or shameful thing, in and of itself. Just don't choose them over your partner, and don't create a false sense of expectation, because neither one reflects reality.
 
#75 ·
Good evening all
Many situatoins:
Some men and women can watch porn and / or read erotica and have either no, or a positive effect on their sex lives. (fine in my book)

Some men and women can watch porn, or read erotica and substitute it for intimacy with their partners (bad in my book)

Some men and women are simply not interested in sex and do not use porn / erotica and neglect their partners.

Some men and women do not enjoy porn or erotica but have good sex lives.


I have no idea of the relative percentages, but I'm convinced all of these do happen.
 
#76 ·
I do not think porn and romance novels effect the brain in the same way.

That said anything that YOU believe is coming between your intimate relationship with you and your spouse is an issue.

Firstly you have to ask yourself why am I not liking this? Some things are just ludicrous like someone who thinks the way their spouse butters toast comes between them. However others are reasonable and porn definitely can fall in this category, that's why many therapists and marriage counsellors will tell you it's one of the leading issues in marriages that are in trouble .

If your spouse reads romance novels and can't get aroused with out them, to me that would be an issue. If your wife compares you to the men in novels and says things like "if you don't start earning over a million I am just not turned on by you" or "if you don't find a way to get an 8 inch penis and six pack I have no option but to think about divorce"

I haven't met many men worried about romance novels and I have known some women who read them, but most of my friends don't.

I have however met many women who have an issue with porn. I have spoken to men who had difficulty turning off the porn. I have read on this site men post things like "why can't my wife be more like a porn star" but am yet to read many threads where women ask for men from romance novels.

So to me porn is a much bigger issue. If it wasn't there wouldn't be several posts a week by women whose husbands use porn to excess and don't pay attention to their wives.
 
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