Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
So, I've been going through a rollercoaster ride of relationship issues for a while now with my wife of 9 years. We have a 3 year old little boy who is amazing.
Most of it is my fault. To make a long story short. For years I was ignorant and put all of my hobbies before everything else. I used to play in rock bands, wrestled professionally, and now I make indie horror films, and I spent every other free minute online either working on promoting one of those things or playing some sort of online game. Left very little time for her. After the baby was born, it didn't get any better. I still "attempted" to spend time with her.. but it wasn't sufficient for what I should be been doing. Long story short, she started to resent me without saying it and eventually came out and said "I resent you", and it went all downhill from there. She decided that she wanted to start making herself happy instead of trying to be the perfect little wife to me. I understood, and it was mostly my fault. I honestly didn't realize what I was doing was hurting her, because it didn't usually become a problem until the latter stages where I was literally engrossed into these hobbies. Eventually everything I did, or didn't do began to slowly all irritate her. She began to stop showing affection towards me and she started to become more outgoing to other people, especially others males. She didn't used to have many friends, but now she has quite a few who are all mostly male. I don't have a problem with it, its just hard to get used to.
Anyway, It took her nearly leaving me for me to own up to my neglect of her and since then I've been busting my butt to work on my faults and show her that I love her as much as I should have always showed her. Things seem to be getting "slowly" better, but she still has this huge wall up where she won't allow herself to show affection or get too close to me. We talk and stuff, but thats it. We haven't had sex in almost 6 months, and the last time we did.. it sucked. The stuff around the house that she had issues with has noticeably improved and she's told me that, but she says she doesn't know if she can get past the resentment and the sex issue. She doesn't even want it from me right now. Like I said, things have been slowly getting better.. and our sex hasn't always been terrible.. so I know once I get the chance, I can "rock her world" so to speak.. but she's gotta want to as well.
I love her so very much, and I kick myself every day for not realizing what I was doing to her much sooner. I asked her yesterday how she'd react if I tried to hug her or give her a kiss on the cheek, and she said "I don't know, I don't know if I am ready for all that yet". I tried to think positive.. at least she didn't say something totally negative.
Our anniversary is next week, and I'm going to surprise her with a nice dinner and I bought her a 14k gold past present and future diamond ring. She's always wanted one, but she spent alot of her own money on me and my hobbies and never got anything in return. Its my turn to pamper her.
I don't know if that will do any good, but any advice that could be given is a plus.
I will commend you on acknowledging the fact you had made some mistakes in the past, and are trying to fix things now. There are alot of people who don't even try to do that.
As far as your wife goes, resentment is deffo a sex killer. The only thing I know to tell you is, hopefully she will come around. It may take some time, because hurt may run deep. If you both are not in any kind of MC that might be a suggestion as well.
My husband and I used to see a therapist who said, "With women, an open heart leads to open legs"
(she was really funny )
Her word choice might be crude but she really had a point. I think you're doing the right thing by trying to fix mistakes you've made in the past. But you've got to keep fighting the good fight and be patient with your wife. She started out with an open heart and the sex was good. Years of being pushed aside made her build walls which in turn makes her less than excited for sex with the person who pushed her to the side.
I really believe that if you keep doing what you're doing she'll come around. But be careful not to make her think you're only doing it to get laid. She has to know it's because you are truly regretful of your past actions.
She decided that she wanted to start making herself happy instead of trying to be the perfect little wife to me.
I am this wife. Yet, I still default to doing what is 'expected' as the 'good wife' but in lesser value due to still hanging on to resentment.
Resentment is MASSIVE sex killer. I could care less about it or need it. If the urge is that big, I can take cafe of myself. If I do have sex with H, it's just that. Sex. No emotional connection just a hot let's get off session. I hate that about myself with him. Not sure how it will get fixed or can be. Until I figure out self and work on self happiness, this will be an everlasting failure.
Congrats to you in your efforts. I hope your spouse turns around for you, as it is not easy.
Thanks for your responses. I don't expect her to madly fall head over heels for me over night again, but I'd like for her to notice that I'm trying to work on myself and show her that I realize what an idiot I'd been all this time and am willing to do whatever it takes to make it right again. So that the next 8 years of our marriage are amazing.
My son is super attached to me, and I fight for the love I have for my wife and for the fact that I don't want him to have to grow up with split up parents. We are great with him, and he loves us both to death. He looks at me like I'm a super hero.. and I love every minute of it.
with her, alot of it is how much she supported all of those things causing her to "lose herself" and so now she doesn't know what she likes to do because she was always so busy following me around. I've always encouraged her to do whatever she puts her mind to, but she's the kind of person that needs to be sort of pushed to get them to do anything. I'm the kind of person, that if i want something I research it and figure out how to do it/get it.
I realize my ignorance, and I'm really fighting for her. I keep telling myself that anything worth having is worth fighting for and she's a beautiful girl whom I wished I had noticed when it mattered. I can' go back and change that, but I can work on myself for the present and future and I wake up every day now with that goal.
She called me a bit ago, just to talk about a possible job promotion she might be getting. Usually she hasn't been talking to me at all unless I talk to her, and def. not a phone call and usually its one word responses.. was nice to hear her voice.
It's good that she called...shows that you are still on her mind when she receives good news that she wants to share. Means you're still important to her
Sorry to say, but this should be a good example to other men of what not to do.
Women will try and try and who can blame them for giving up on the relationship and deciding it's best to do what they need for them, because you aren't giving it to them.
Love your wives, put time and effort into them, do nice things for them, put the effort in. If she thinks it's too much effort for you, when she loves you and is happy to put the effort in, then she will be hurt and start closing off from you.
I really hope you can turn things around, and never forget again what your wife means to you. Good luck.
believe me, I wake up every day and kick myself. Because I can literally see all the times she "tried" to get me to notice her flash through my head, when during that time I didn't even notice. I know I won't ever not notice her again.
believe me, I wake up every day and kick myself. Because I can literally see all the times she "tried" to get me to notice her flash through my head, when during that time I didn't even notice. I know I won't ever not notice her again.
Hey Random guy. You just need to have some patience here. Develop some hobbies together. Spend time with her, as much as 20 hours per week of undivided attention time with her after your 3 year goes to bed. Make the emotional connection, have fun falling in love with your wife again, let her fall in love with you and the sex part should work itself out. Don't have expectations now, and since you have made mistakes in the past, do the heavy lifting now. If it does not get better by this time next year then you may need to re-evaluate the situation. I think you owe it to your son and your wife to make the maximum effort for a while.
Hey Random guy. You just need to have some patience here. Develop some hobbies together. Spend time with her, as much as 20 hours per week of undivided attention time with her after your 3 year goes to bed. Make the emotional connection, have fun falling in love with your wife again, let her fall in love with you and the sex part should work itself out. Don't have expectations now, and since you have made mistakes in the past, do the heavy lifting now. If it does not get better by this time next year then you may need to re-evaluate the situation. I think you owe it to your son and your wife to make the maximum effort for a while.
Good luck.
Thats pretty much how I feel about it. I'm not pushing the whole "sex" thing as thats only one part of the whole picture and it usually doesn't come until the other parts are in place. I'm treating this as if I don't know my wife, and we've just met.. because as of right now I don't 'know" her, not like I used to. The biggest hurdle is getting past the resentment, and I don't know what I can do, other than what I've already been doing to combat that.
well, "I" see a difference. I'm not sure she does yet or not. I mean, I see a difference in her... I know she sees a difference in me.. she's just not quite ready yet to move forward.
She'd been wanting to repaint our bedroom, and do some remodeling. So I texted her at lunch and told her I was gonna try to get the paint and stuff this weekend. I had already bought her the bed set she wanted. She called me after work, and asked if I had started cooking dinner yet. I told her no, and she said ok good.. we should go to town and look at paint colors .
However, her mom called her on the way home and basically started ranting about how "crappy" things are for her right now, and my wife told her.. "I know the feeling" and her mom basically pulled the.. "no your problems can't be as bad as mine" card.. and it really agitated my wife. So the rest of the ride home, she talked to me about how pissed off that made her for her mom to act like her problems were any more important than hers. I just listened and tried to understand and support her. The only thing she said I wasn't pleased with was when she started listing off all her problems.. one being "marriage sucks". I guess its to be expected though and I shouldn't let it get to me too much. She's opening up to me, and thats a good step in the right direction. We talked alot tonight, and I let her mostly vent and told her that if she needed to talk about anything I'd just listen.
She's suffering from depression on top of the resentment, and is on meds for that. I'm not sure they are helping or making them worse. She seems to be treating me with less hostility, but other people can push her buttons without doing much of anything. I wish I could see inside her head, so I'd know what to do to help her.. if anything.
note: She's had alot of death in her family while all of this has been going on, that hasn't helped much either.
we do the usual, not much communication (she's not a morning person) I give my son a kiss and hug (he's still sleeping) and she's getting ready for work.
I used to give her a hug, but we don't do that anymore.. due to our issues..
I just say "see ya later' and she replies with "ok"..
i get to work and i get a text from her..
"I read your not very nice lyrics about me you left on the dresser"
I said, "what lyrics? and why would you think they were about you?"
she said "because it was talking about blue eyes, and lying"
my wife has blue eyes.
the song wasn't about her, I was just usin common words or things to write a generic sappy song. Thats what I told her. She didn't respond back after that.
Seemed like she was trying to find something to be upset with me about.. maybe thats not the case. I wrote her a song a few weeks back that WAS about her.. but it was about me, and how i'd neglected her.
Yeah, I was telling a friend today that I notice a difference.. but she's just got so much crap on her plate that she doesn't know how to deal with it all right now.
She called me again today at lunch to talk about some stuff going on at work so that was good. We are repainting our bedroom this weekend, to a nice light blue color. I hear blue is a "happy" color.
I will add in, that my wife had been acting really odd during all this time and throwing up alot of "red flags". I feel like my lack of attention made her seek attention from other males. I don't feel like she's cheated on me, but she caught on to me noticing her texting guys she was meeting at the bar with her sister and went out and got a new phone/plan and told me it was for her privacy and independence. I didn't buy it at first. Way too many red flags were popping up, such as texts at odd times of the night, and pictures with guys that weren't bad.. but just looked like she was having more fun with them than she ever has with me. And at the time she probably was. But, my wife has pretty high moral standards, and I don't think she'd stoop to that level. I think thats why it got to this point. She only talks to her sister, a female friend from another state, and one or 2 guy friends both of which are married. I'm not used to her having guy friends, so its a little hard to swallow but part of our fighting ensued when I got word from an unreliable source that she was acting inappropriately at the bar with her sister and some guy. I don't go with her, because she likes to dance.. and thats her "thing" she doesn't want me to go because thats how she feels she gets away from all the stress of work, family etc. I've told her I'd like to go at least once, but she has never been ok with the idea. She hasn't gone in over a month though for various reasons. I left this out of my original post, because to me.. the reason this is happening is Because of my neglect towards her, and it should be irrelevant if I can turn things around. She used to go with some other friends a year ago, and I never once had an issue with it, because she was with people I trusted and I was with their husbands hanging out.. but these new people.. I don't know them, and I don't trust any of them. I will say this.. other than the few times over the past 4 months she's been to the bar with her sister.. she's either with me, or at work and I work around the corner from her job.
Resentment = no sex 
)
