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Resentment = no sex

24K views 137 replies 37 participants last post by  Woodchuck 
#1 ·
So, I've been going through a rollercoaster ride of relationship issues for a while now with my wife of 9 years. We have a 3 year old little boy who is amazing.

Most of it is my fault. To make a long story short. For years I was ignorant and put all of my hobbies before everything else. I used to play in rock bands, wrestled professionally, and now I make indie horror films, and I spent every other free minute online either working on promoting one of those things or playing some sort of online game. Left very little time for her. After the baby was born, it didn't get any better. I still "attempted" to spend time with her.. but it wasn't sufficient for what I should be been doing. Long story short, she started to resent me without saying it and eventually came out and said "I resent you", and it went all downhill from there. She decided that she wanted to start making herself happy instead of trying to be the perfect little wife to me. I understood, and it was mostly my fault. I honestly didn't realize what I was doing was hurting her, because it didn't usually become a problem until the latter stages where I was literally engrossed into these hobbies. Eventually everything I did, or didn't do began to slowly all irritate her. She began to stop showing affection towards me and she started to become more outgoing to other people, especially others males. She didn't used to have many friends, but now she has quite a few who are all mostly male. I don't have a problem with it, its just hard to get used to.

Anyway, It took her nearly leaving me for me to own up to my neglect of her and since then I've been busting my butt to work on my faults and show her that I love her as much as I should have always showed her. Things seem to be getting "slowly" better, but she still has this huge wall up where she won't allow herself to show affection or get too close to me. We talk and stuff, but thats it. We haven't had sex in almost 6 months, and the last time we did.. it sucked. The stuff around the house that she had issues with has noticeably improved and she's told me that, but she says she doesn't know if she can get past the resentment and the sex issue. She doesn't even want it from me right now. Like I said, things have been slowly getting better.. and our sex hasn't always been terrible.. so I know once I get the chance, I can "rock her world" so to speak.. but she's gotta want to as well.

I love her so very much, and I kick myself every day for not realizing what I was doing to her much sooner. I asked her yesterday how she'd react if I tried to hug her or give her a kiss on the cheek, and she said "I don't know, I don't know if I am ready for all that yet". I tried to think positive.. at least she didn't say something totally negative.

Our anniversary is next week, and I'm going to surprise her with a nice dinner and I bought her a 14k gold past present and future diamond ring. She's always wanted one, but she spent alot of her own money on me and my hobbies and never got anything in return. Its my turn to pamper her.

I don't know if that will do any good, but any advice that could be given is a plus.
 
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#2 ·
I will commend you on acknowledging the fact you had made some mistakes in the past, and are trying to fix things now. There are alot of people who don't even try to do that.

As far as your wife goes, resentment is deffo a sex killer. The only thing I know to tell you is, hopefully she will come around. It may take some time, because hurt may run deep. If you both are not in any kind of MC that might be a suggestion as well.
 
#3 ·
You dug yourself into a deep hole and it isn't easy getting out. I commend you on trying.

But at some point she needs to put the past behind and either reinvest in the marriage the way you have or walk away.

it may also be that she feels you haven't reinvested. Maybe marriage counseling would be a good forum to address faults on both sides.
 
#4 ·
My husband and I used to see a therapist who said, "With women, an open heart leads to open legs"

(she was really funny:) )

Her word choice might be crude but she really had a point. I think you're doing the right thing by trying to fix mistakes you've made in the past. But you've got to keep fighting the good fight and be patient with your wife. She started out with an open heart and the sex was good. Years of being pushed aside made her build walls which in turn makes her less than excited for sex with the person who pushed her to the side.

I really believe that if you keep doing what you're doing she'll come around. But be careful not to make her think you're only doing it to get laid. She has to know it's because you are truly regretful of your past actions.
 
#5 ·
She decided that she wanted to start making herself happy instead of trying to be the perfect little wife to me.
I am this wife. Yet, I still default to doing what is 'expected' as the 'good wife' but in lesser value due to still hanging on to resentment.

Resentment is MASSIVE sex killer. I could care less about it or need it. If the urge is that big, I can take cafe of myself. If I do have sex with H, it's just that. Sex. No emotional connection just a hot let's get off session. I hate that about myself with him. Not sure how it will get fixed or can be. Until I figure out self and work on self happiness, this will be an everlasting failure.

Congrats to you in your efforts. I hope your spouse turns around for you, as it is not easy.
 
#6 ·
Thanks for your responses. I don't expect her to madly fall head over heels for me over night again, but I'd like for her to notice that I'm trying to work on myself and show her that I realize what an idiot I'd been all this time and am willing to do whatever it takes to make it right again. So that the next 8 years of our marriage are amazing.

My son is super attached to me, and I fight for the love I have for my wife and for the fact that I don't want him to have to grow up with split up parents. We are great with him, and he loves us both to death. He looks at me like I'm a super hero.. and I love every minute of it.

with her, alot of it is how much she supported all of those things causing her to "lose herself" and so now she doesn't know what she likes to do because she was always so busy following me around. I've always encouraged her to do whatever she puts her mind to, but she's the kind of person that needs to be sort of pushed to get them to do anything. I'm the kind of person, that if i want something I research it and figure out how to do it/get it.

I realize my ignorance, and I'm really fighting for her. I keep telling myself that anything worth having is worth fighting for and she's a beautiful girl whom I wished I had noticed when it mattered. I can' go back and change that, but I can work on myself for the present and future and I wake up every day now with that goal.

She called me a bit ago, just to talk about a possible job promotion she might be getting. Usually she hasn't been talking to me at all unless I talk to her, and def. not a phone call and usually its one word responses.. was nice to hear her voice.
 
#108 · (Edited)
Tell her how good it was to hear her voice. Its often the little things like that that mean so much to women. It sounds like you are on the right track but its going to take a while so keep working on it and remember the little seemingly insignificant things often have the most impact. leave her a little sticky note from time to time in a unexpected place. compliment her on how she looks or smells or whatever. Go back to treating her like you just met her and are trying to win her love for the first time.

If you get the chance woo her slowly give her the most rocking cunnilingus you can muster and tell her you just want to do this for her. Don't expect anything for yourself. You just pleasure her and let her know its all about her. I've done this just because I wanted her to know how I felt about her, that she is special and deserves special treatment.
 
#8 ·
Sorry to say, but this should be a good example to other men of what not to do.

Women will try and try and who can blame them for giving up on the relationship and deciding it's best to do what they need for them, because you aren't giving it to them.

Love your wives, put time and effort into them, do nice things for them, put the effort in. If she thinks it's too much effort for you, when she loves you and is happy to put the effort in, then she will be hurt and start closing off from you.

I really hope you can turn things around, and never forget again what your wife means to you. Good luck.
 
#10 ·
Hey Random guy. You just need to have some patience here. Develop some hobbies together. Spend time with her, as much as 20 hours per week of undivided attention time with her after your 3 year goes to bed. Make the emotional connection, have fun falling in love with your wife again, let her fall in love with you and the sex part should work itself out. Don't have expectations now, and since you have made mistakes in the past, do the heavy lifting now. If it does not get better by this time next year then you may need to re-evaluate the situation. I think you owe it to your son and your wife to make the maximum effort for a while.

Good luck.
 
#13 · (Edited)
well, "I" see a difference. I'm not sure she does yet or not. I mean, I see a difference in her... I know she sees a difference in me.. she's just not quite ready yet to move forward.

She'd been wanting to repaint our bedroom, and do some remodeling. So I texted her at lunch and told her I was gonna try to get the paint and stuff this weekend. I had already bought her the bed set she wanted. She called me after work, and asked if I had started cooking dinner yet. I told her no, and she said ok good.. we should go to town and look at paint colors :).

However, her mom called her on the way home and basically started ranting about how "crappy" things are for her right now, and my wife told her.. "I know the feeling" and her mom basically pulled the.. "no your problems can't be as bad as mine" card.. and it really agitated my wife. So the rest of the ride home, she talked to me about how pissed off that made her for her mom to act like her problems were any more important than hers. I just listened and tried to understand and support her. The only thing she said I wasn't pleased with was when she started listing off all her problems.. one being "marriage sucks". I guess its to be expected though and I shouldn't let it get to me too much. She's opening up to me, and thats a good step in the right direction. We talked alot tonight, and I let her mostly vent and told her that if she needed to talk about anything I'd just listen.

She's suffering from depression on top of the resentment, and is on meds for that. I'm not sure they are helping or making them worse. She seems to be treating me with less hostility, but other people can push her buttons without doing much of anything. I wish I could see inside her head, so I'd know what to do to help her.. if anything.

note: She's had alot of death in her family while all of this has been going on, that hasn't helped much either.
 
#14 ·
So this morning I get to work..

we do the usual, not much communication (she's not a morning person) I give my son a kiss and hug (he's still sleeping) and she's getting ready for work.

I used to give her a hug, but we don't do that anymore.. due to our issues..

I just say "see ya later' and she replies with "ok"..

i get to work and i get a text from her..

"I read your not very nice lyrics about me you left on the dresser"

I said, "what lyrics? and why would you think they were about you?"

she said "because it was talking about blue eyes, and lying"

my wife has blue eyes.

the song wasn't about her, I was just usin common words or things to write a generic sappy song. Thats what I told her. She didn't respond back after that.

Seemed like she was trying to find something to be upset with me about.. maybe thats not the case. I wrote her a song a few weeks back that WAS about her.. but it was about me, and how i'd neglected her.
 
#15 ·
Yeah, I was telling a friend today that I notice a difference.. but she's just got so much crap on her plate that she doesn't know how to deal with it all right now.

She called me again today at lunch to talk about some stuff going on at work so that was good. We are repainting our bedroom this weekend, to a nice light blue color. I hear blue is a "happy" color.

I will add in, that my wife had been acting really odd during all this time and throwing up alot of "red flags". I feel like my lack of attention made her seek attention from other males. I don't feel like she's cheated on me, but she caught on to me noticing her texting guys she was meeting at the bar with her sister and went out and got a new phone/plan and told me it was for her privacy and independence. I didn't buy it at first. Way too many red flags were popping up, such as texts at odd times of the night, and pictures with guys that weren't bad.. but just looked like she was having more fun with them than she ever has with me. And at the time she probably was. But, my wife has pretty high moral standards, and I don't think she'd stoop to that level. I think thats why it got to this point. She only talks to her sister, a female friend from another state, and one or 2 guy friends both of which are married. I'm not used to her having guy friends, so its a little hard to swallow but part of our fighting ensued when I got word from an unreliable source that she was acting inappropriately at the bar with her sister and some guy. I don't go with her, because she likes to dance.. and thats her "thing" she doesn't want me to go because thats how she feels she gets away from all the stress of work, family etc. I've told her I'd like to go at least once, but she has never been ok with the idea. She hasn't gone in over a month though for various reasons. I left this out of my original post, because to me.. the reason this is happening is Because of my neglect towards her, and it should be irrelevant if I can turn things around. She used to go with some other friends a year ago, and I never once had an issue with it, because she was with people I trusted and I was with their husbands hanging out.. but these new people.. I don't know them, and I don't trust any of them. I will say this.. other than the few times over the past 4 months she's been to the bar with her sister.. she's either with me, or at work and I work around the corner from her job.
 
#16 ·
Most of it is my fault. To make a long story short. For years I was ignorant and put all of my hobbies before everything else..
Yeah, that was me...Showing my car, Racing my car, wheeling my Jeep, etc, etc. BTW, I'm the WIFE. My H and I have been doing an emotional tug of war throughout 22 years of marriage. We both have a huge storehouse of resentment built up on both sides. IMO we are both wrong and both have a lot to atone for. But the difference between him and I is that I've been willing to put the past aside and work towards a better future and he isn't. Marriage counseling? He won't hear of it. As far as he's concerned it's all my problem and if I don't like it I can go elsewhere. So guess who won't have sex with who? His past bout with alcoholism was the final nail in the coffin.

I've given up. I've tried everything and I'm not getting younger. We are physically separated and he keeps saying we are "married" but he doesn't act it so eventually neither will I. Sometimes you just have to recognize a lost cause and move on. I still like hanging out with him but I don't expect much anymore.

Thank goodness for vibrators. :smthumbup:
 
#17 ·
It will mean a lot to her that you are trying to amend the situation - it will take a lot of time and effort so be patient and persist and I suspect that eventually she will start to realise that you genuinely do love her and care about her.

I only think this because my husband realises that he has not been supportive enough and I became resentful. I only wish he had taken the same attitude as you but unfortunately not - he's sulking in a big way!

Good luck and keep going!
 
#18 ·
So, an update..

yesterday was our 10th anniversary. I had asked her to wear a new dress she had bought that night, since I was taking her out. She snapped at me and complained that it was too cold, and that she had to dress up all week long for work, and that there was nowhere nice enough in town we could go where she couldn't wear jeans. I told her to wear whatever she wanted, and she got mad at that as well..

Then I told her I wasn't sure why I was even bothering at all, she seems to find fault in it somehow. Then, I told her maybe we shouldn't go out at all because if she thought going out to eat was overboard, there was no point in doing the rest of what I had planned. I bought her a diamond past present future ring, that she's always wanted.

I told her she could decide if she still wanted to go out or not, and that I was just trying to do something nice for her. She said, that our marriage was not her priority right now. She's got a grandma who may pass any day now to cancer, an uncle who is also extremely sick, and she also just lost her uncle. Also, she's vying for her bosses job who got a promotion, but is being treated dirty at work by the head honcho's, who are making her "Work" in the interim as that position, on top of her normal job for no more pay.. and she can "apply" for the position if she wants it.. but others will be able to as well.. even though she'll already be doing the job.

I've been trying to encourage her, but thats all she's focused on right now.

Anyway, she did wind up deciding she wanted to go out.. but she was exhausted from work stress. The restaurant blew.. it was one we'd never been to.. and will never go back to. But it gave us some laughs and something to talk about. After we left, I told her I wanted her to have something and I did not expect anything at all in return. I just wanted to show her I cared, and I wanted to do something special because she deserved it. I also told her that I wanted to show her that I was trying to be selfless and think about her.

She told me "thank you" and put the ring on. She took some pictures of her wearing it and send it to some friends and posted it on facebook. Her wording on facebook imo wasn't the best choice.. but I'll take it..

"after oh so many years of asking, I finally got my past present future ring"

from which all her lady friends, gushed over it. So I know that she liked it. I told her if I am able to get the chance, there's more where that came from.

Since then, we've talked more.. but still no touchy feely. She was complaining with her stomach hurting tonight, that she said might still be from how bad the food was last night. So, what do I do now? Is this good or bad?
 
#19 ·
Tough call. I've learned not to do 'set pieces' like that unless she's had an entire day off beforehand. And remember, a gentleman is never surprised by the place or restaurant or the service or the menu or any of it. Never do anything you're not sure will work out perfectly.

Silly stuff, yes? But it's what we do, happily to make sure she has a great time.
 
#20 ·
but WHY does it have to be that way??? WHY do men have to walk on eggshells to please us like that?? Why can't a woman just appreciate that her husband put together a lovely evening??who cares if the restaurant was shockingly bad??at least you're together and enduring it together.
it's nice to do sweet things for your spouse but I can't understand this constant requirement for perfection in order to have a good time with the person you love.the best times i've ever had with my husband were the least perfect...like the time he took me to see my favorite singer,ended up purchasing the wrong tickets n we ended up sitting way back in a field with a thousand people during a total downpour of heavy,soaking rain...for 3 hours.
lol we STILL talk about that night and laugh. My jeans were soaked through to my thong so I took them off and threw them in the trunk,rode home partially nude laughing the whole way about what would happen if we got pulled over.

I'm sorry for the rant. my feelings are a bit sore right now bc of my own personal crap. bottom line, i wish your wife could have stepped outside of herself for a minute to recognize that you tried to make the evening good for her.
 
#22 ·
i've had plenty of those days where I just want to chill with a book,my big puppy,and my two good friends Ben&Jerry.
BUT i've had those days at the same time hubby had something planned for us and I dragged my butt a little but I still smiled and stepped up so he KNEW without a doubt I appreciated his efforts no matter how crappy my day was.

It doesn't give much incentive for ANYONE to continue doing sweet things for someone if they've got a constant chip on their shoulder about things that have nothing to do with their spouse. Yeah you're stressed about work and the fact that you're getting d**ked around by the higher ups.

GET OVER IT for a LEAST a few hours then you can feel free to go back into your miserable little head and brood about things you can't control.

*sigh* lol this ranting of mine I swear it's a sickness today! I can't stop myself! i'm sorry!!
 
#24 ·
Because maybe she is having an EA or contemplating (I guess this because of the phone plan etc).

I think you need to man up, however you have to walk a fine line because of your past bad behaviour, show her that you are the best choice for her, but you won't condone her bad behaviour.

be a good husband and a strong one, who is very good to her, but also has clear boundaries.
 
#25 ·
She thinks all these guys she talks to are "friends". I guess they "could" be, but the way she gets defensive when I ask about any of them doesn't sit well. She will talk about them, but its always in a positive manner.. like "So and so said this.. ha ha ha..."

I mean, I know she texts them constantly all day at work. Is that cool? I mean, I'm not expecting her to talk to the person she says everyday, all day at work too.. but she has like 3 friends who are female.. all the rest are guys. One is one who I went to school with, that works with her.. they have already been accused of having something going on by people other than me and there was a big blow up about it. She insists there is no way she'd ever do that but she attempts to stay friends with him, knowing that what people are going to say. I don't believe she was lying, but I do have issue with all these guys she talks to. I mean, I can give her that kind of attention and more if she'd just open up and let me do it.

I want to just sit her down and tell her, but she's got so much other crap on her plate right now that if I did I'd feel like a ********* and she'd just get mad that I'm bringing it up. We've already had the conversation before and she assured me they were all just friends, and that she just happened to get along better with guys.. all of them except the most important one.. it seems.
 
#26 ·
You have gone from being totally alpha to totally beta.

Good luck with that. Soon you will find that:
- She demands you gracefully accept celibacy
- While she gets more and more male attention and possibly enters into an EA or PA

Regardless of what she demands from YOU, SHE is not going to stay celibate. So the question becomes when/who she is going to replace you with in terms of sexual attention.

The way you acted before was selfish and that caused its own problems. The way you act now, is weak. And with a woman - a weak man is the absolute worst thing in the world.
 
#28 ·
how do you do that without pissing her off?

I just tried to do that, with her about something and all it did was piss her off and take me 10 steps backwards. I agree that i shouldn't get treated like dirt, but if I say "look thats not cool".. I get told I sound like her mother.... which is worse to me than being "weak" me.
 
#29 ·
Google "fitness test" because she's throwing you a ton of them. A strategy that is usually effective is to either ignore them (easiest), or agree & amplify. If she tells you you're acting like her mother, just grin and tell her to drop her pants for her spanking. You need to communicate that you aren't bothered by her tests. You want to show her you love her and are committed to her, but you're not subservient to her.

As MEM said, you're walking a tight rope because of your past actions. She's felt little comfort from you (beta), so she's checked out of the relationship. But if you lay off the attraction (alpha) too much, you're not pulling her toward you. And it sounds like she may be in an EA/PA fog so you have an even higher hurdle to get over.

Good luck.
 
#31 ·
I'll try, but I've already brought this very subject up with her before.. and she uses the same "fine, I just won't have any friends at all, i'll just be the perfect little wife to you and worry about making everyone else happy while I'm miserable" line...

most of these guys are married themselves, one is in a rocky relationship himself.. and part of the problem there was that he would vent to her about that, which I know brought them closer than coworkers should be.

I'm not going to say she's having a PA or EA to that extent yet, but she's enjoying all this trashy guy attention, even when it borders on being perverted but when I try to give her honest to god, loving husband attention.. thats just boring and irritating. Its more fun to get noticed by new people than someone that you've been trying to impress for years.

If I bring it up again in any form, she will probably leave. I don't want to be a doormat either, maybe I can be more interesting and more "bad' than these guys who she thinks is more entertaining right now.
 
#32 ·
You seem to sincerely want to improve things so I will offer some observations. If you can pull this off you may get some improvement:
1. Stop showing any anger, fear or anxiety. Completely. This is a HUGE deal in a situation like yours. To do that you will need to ensure you are getting enough sleep and exercise. Go easy on sugar and caffeine.

ALL of this is going to be predicated on one huge foundation. And that is you "doing the right thing" consistently and accepting that no matter what the outcome you have behaved like a man should. As for what she does in response, accept that you don't control it, and it is about "her" not you.

2. When you are with her, be friendly upbeat and playful. If she is rude, mean, etc. just give her a puzzled smile and go do something else away from her. Do not engage. Do not ask her "why the heck did you do that"? Just give her a puzzled smile and then disappear. The next time you see her - keep a flat affect. Not angry, not tense. Not cold. Just neutral. Nod when you see her - acknowledge her presence. But don't say anything. Let her set the tone. If she resumes being nasty - just hold up your hand and say "stop" in a firm voice. If she continues - shake your head in disapproval and then say "I need to run some errands/go to the gym/meet Bill at the bowling alley". And then go do that.

3. When she is positive with you, be positive back. If you ask her to do something - "do you want to go do X Friday night" be ready with a plan b. If she responds positively good. But if she says "maybe, I'm not sure, or no" come back with "Well let me know, the guys asked me to do Z with them, and I need to get back to them". She will likely give you the aggressive "If you would rather be with the guys then go right ahead."

Just smile and calmly ask her "If I preferred their company, why would I have asked you to spend time with me"? And don't be snippy about it. Ask it like you want to know. Because you do. Maybe she will give you a sincere answer that is helpful. Maybe not. At least you will have done the right thing.

If she continues to be aggressive/nasty just shrug and say "Well ok then - thanks for making it obvious how you feel - if you change your mind let me know and we will do it some other night" and then go make your other plans and stick with them.

Saying we will do it some "other" night is big. It means you are about to make firm plans for that night - and then you are locked and loaded. It prevents her from playing the game of "no no no" until that night and then "changing her mind and demanding you cancel your other plans". Do NOT let that happen.
 
#34 ·
well, this is alot harder than it looks..

wife gets home from work.. says she's going to see her granny for a bit. She asked if we were going. I said, yeah we'd go.. we being me and our 3 year old son. Who is at that age, where he's super cute most of the time, but has an evil tantrum at just the worst times..

This is one of those times.

He didn't have on a shirt, and pitched a super fit about wanting to wear a sweater (its 96 degrees outside right now here) and we told him no to find a short sleeve.. So he whines and stomps his feet. My wife says "I'm gonna count to five and you either put on a short sleeve shirt or I'm leaving ya here". She gets to 4 and he's still screaming. So I tell her to just go, he's not gonna stop.

So she gets up to leave, and I lose my cool and tell my son "thanks, I really didn't want to stay here". Which wasn't the right thing to say.. but I was already tired from work, and frustrated from dealing with both him and her.. I can't get him to go to bed, and my wife always passes out before 9 and lately he refuses to go to bed til well after 10.. thats another issue we need to deal with too that effects our sex life.

Now, she texts me...

"Ya know it really makes me want to f****** leave when I have to come home to 2 children".

So I've been a "mom" today, and now I'm a "child". I'm just all kinds of WINNING today. I agree I acted harsh, but I really wanted to go with my wife to show my support for her granny. I probably should have just volunteered to watch him and let her go alone.
 
#35 ·
I didn't say it was easy. You need sleep and exercise. And then you focus on learning to stay calm. And when you feel yourself losing your calm you learn how to say as little as possible. If you CANNOT do that, nothing else will matter and your marriage will not get better.
 
#36 ·
Today was hard..

I didn't do anything last night but "dream" about her, the same as I have for months now..

Slept very little. My little one didn't want to go to bed yet again, and was grating on my last nerve.

This morning when I woke up, I woke up angry because all I had done all night was dream about how all I want to do is be affectionate with my wife.

I was sleepy and my 3 year old got up early, and kept calling me to do stuff.. which after the 4th time of getting up and down.. grated at my nerves again. My wife snapped at me, and I snapped back..

I'm really not mad "at" her. Just mad at the situation, that I can't fix. I told her I was just having a rough couple days, and that I was just getting frustrated. She said why? Cuz you want to get laid? I said.. no.

She said, I guess I'll just lay down and let you screw me, and then you'll be happy. I said, no..

I said, I just want to be able to show affection to you, period..

I'm not concerned with sex at this point. I'll take something as small as a hug..

She said, well its hard to just "flip a switch" when for so long I begged and pleaded with you and you didn't care. (Which is true, but not anymore). I told her, that I wasn't asking her to just immediately act like things are hunky dory.. but I also didn't want to get strung around forever either. She threatened to leave a few times.

I told her, I just didn't appreciate her snapping at me, and talking to me in a "mad" tone all the time when I'm being super nice to her ALL the time. She said, that yeah all that was nice.. but she's still got to get past the sex part.. and she doesn't know yet if she can.

We didn't talk for a bit, and then she calmed down some and I told her, I just wanted to be close to her again. She didn't say anything back. I went to town and got some movies, and made baked spaghetti like I always used to make and we watched movies. She on one side of the couch, me on the other. She did talk to me hear and there.

She went to lay in the bedroom and watch tv til she feel asleep, and I followed her in there..

She says "why have you been up my ass so much today?"

I said "I'm not".

She says.. "Its just a question, just want to know why you've been up my ass so much today".

I got up off the bed, and told her "Because I like being around you", and walked out of the room.

She didn't reply and is now asleep.

Right before all that I got a call from my mom, that my Dad had passed out and fell, hitting his head and they were taking him to the hospital.

Fantastic day! (sarcasm)
 
#37 ·
You need to stop this. It is toxic. You need to stop acting needy because it is destroying your marriage. When you prioritized all those other activities ahead of her it was "all about you". Now that she is being cold you are being clingy. Guess what: It is still all about you.

Sure you are being nice to her. Because you NEED her to go back to showing you love. All about YOU. How about you suck it up for a while and be nice and upbeat and calm and good to be around and let HER have time to COME AROUND. Let her come to you.
 
#40 ·
RG,
Totally fair questions. Sample conversation below.

You: Would you like to do "x" Friday night? - "x" needs to be something you know she likes to do.
Her: Yes.
You: Great (that is it - don't mention it again until Friday morning at which point you say something to confirm the specific timing of what you are doing)

You: Would you like to do "x" Friday night? - "x" needs to be something you know she likes to do.
Her: I don't know
You: Would you prefer to do something else
Her: I don't know
You: I am going to arrange for a baby sitter for Friday. If you want to go out with me, let me know tomorrow. If not, I am going to go do "x" with Bill.
Her: (fitness testing you) Thats just great (in an irritated tone of voice) or some other complaint about the idea you will go out with the guys
You: Laughing "Let me get this straight - you are either rejecting my offer of a date or playing hard to get and now I am the bad guy for having a plan B. Smiling looking back over your shoulder as you leave the room "Nice try"

And then don't bring it up again. If she doesn't revisit it the next day, make your alternate plans. And arrange for the babysitter.

Rinse and repeat. Each time she gets right of first refusal and if/when she refuses you make sure she knows you aren't sitting home thinking about her. Maybe that means you take turns watching your child. Or get a lot of sitters.
 
#41 ·
Yeah, our scenarios won't go quite like that but I get the idea.

I've tried inviting her on dates, but she usually says

"no" straight up.

I invited her to the movies the other night, and she said.. "nah, not really a movies person". We've been to the movies 1000 times together, and we watch them all the time at home..

She doesn't really have any interests except reading, shopping, and dancing.

Shopping we already do sometimes, and I'm forbidden to go dancing with her. I've never been big on dancing, so she feels like i'd be a "party pooper", she also claims thats her 'thing" to do without me and our son. I "get it" but it also sounds like she doesn't want me going for other reasons, and is just using the logical reason as a cover. She hasn't been in over 2 months now.

So, the key here is.. if i am reading right.. is to spend time with her when I can, but not constantly force it to where it seems like my spending time and getting her to show me affection has now turned into one of my "projects" of which I am doing the same thing I always do and getting wrapped up in it to the point that I am obssessive.

also forgot to mention that it seems at this point, the resentment again plus the issue of not being intimate is the bulk of the problem now.

she brought up one time during my movie shoot, we had gotten access to film in my old high school.. she wanted to do it in the school bathroom. I was like running like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get the shoot going, and I actually thought she was half way joking about it.. but she apparently was serious. What I would give now to go back and do my wife in my high school bathroom... lol

sorry if that was TMI... but I know if I ever get the chance to do anything like that again I shall not turn it down regardless of what else that might be going on,.
 
#42 ·
Sure - give her a choice to spend time with you - but do NOT sit around at home if she chooses not to spend time with you.

And do not let her behave in a disrespectful way towards you. Don't get "angry/loud" but add some edge to your voice and just say "Don't" in an irritated way when she behaves badly.

And if she tries to play "dumb" just give her a quiet, cool look and do not engage. Meaning don't even try to "sell her" on why you are the injured party. When she is being rude she knows it.
 
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