Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Sex is fun, dirty talk enhances the fun, I don't know why it is so difficult for her to lighten up. It is obvious that her husband enjoys this.
Is she being used? Is she being degraded? Does her husband treat her poorly in other areas? No, she said her husband loves her in other areas!
We really have to distinguish being treated poorly in general and having sexual fun in bed.
My sweet Greenie, just because she isn't as open as you, it doesn't mean that her concerns are not valid. You and I have a lot in common, but I think that you are a lot more obedient than I am. That is just fine, but most women do not think like you.
The husband is being degrading in my eyes. Mr.G and I talk dirty, but it's more like "You like that? You like my big..." Aww, never mind.
My sweet Greenie, just because she isn't as open as you, it doesn't mean that her concerns are not valid. You and I have a lot in common, but I think that you are a lot more obedient than I am. That is just fine, but most women do not think like you.
The husband is being degrading in my eyes. Mr.G and I talk dirty, but it's more like "You like that? You like my big..." Aww, never mind.
I am more concerned about their future.
I have been reading for so long here, very often I see men complain that their wives don't talk dirty, don't give BJ, don't wear sexy lingerie, and the worst, don't have sex. We know sex is important for a relationship, when sex is not a problem in a relationship, we are quite positive that this relationship can last. The biggest reason people divorce is sex incompatibility.
The OP's case is like catch 22. If he talks dirty, she feels cheap. If he doesn't talk dirty, we know he is going to struggle.
So they have to meet in between. Maybe your way of talking dirty is better!
If I understand correctly, early in the relationship the sex was loving and mutually satisfying and slowly became rough and dirty. In addition, you have made it clear that this is not what you want. Moreover, having sex with this man makes you feel badly and you are getting no pleasure out of it 90% of the time, he is 8yrs older than you and he is a porn addict. Is that right?
I have a question - why are you still having sex with him? He makes you feel dirty, he ignores what you want, he is concerned with his pleasure only and he did a bait and switch. He did not reveal himself until he thought you were into him enough that you would let him do you any way he wants. Please don't give the standard answer because you love him, love is not enough as you can see. He is not having sex with you, he is using you as a live porn doll.
It not the dirty talk or hair pulling, many men and women like that, and some don't. But you notice I said both like it. What ever is going on here it is not love or intimacy no matter what he says. When a man is in love he is concerned about making the woman happy sexually and wishes to feel connected to her. Your man is using you for his pleasure, he has slowly groomed you to this point.
I have to ask again, how do you allow your body to be used by this man? What do you get? You feel dirty, disrespected, disregarded and used, yet you continue to let him use your body!!! Stop having sex with him and strongly consider finding someone more compatable. that will cure the problem. Examine wheater you want to deal with a man with his problems - porn addicted, relationship challenged, objectifies women. If you stay don't expect change addicts promise but you don't want to base your future on the promises of an addict.
You have not been in the relationship long and the man he reveals himself to be now is the real him. If you stay he will role out more of himself, he probably has plans to use you sexually for other more extreme porn fantasies. These are serious problems, any woman in a relationship with him will have to deal with them. It is early on, why not get out now and not 10 years from now when you are totally beaten down from trying to get him to treat you like a human and not a set of holes.
I don't know why he was alone for so long but, his porn addiction may have affected his ability to sustain a relationship. You should know something about his relationship history. Don't expect your relationship to be any different. There are many good, sexually healthy men out there. You have to ask yourself why you did not leave when he first showed signs of sexual problems so many months ago.
You are not helpless, it is your body you are not required to provide a man pleasure using it. It is mutual or it does not happen. Women up, stop giving up control of your body, there is no reason why you should feel degraded while he is using you that's ridiculous, why do you let it happen? Is his pleasure more important than you feelings of degradation? He thinks so but I hope you don't. Stop letting yourself be used by a porn addicted loser. Posted via Mobile Device
What does the age difference have to do with the sexual abuse?? Not all older men are manipulative and controlling; only the worst ones are. My husband is 8 years my senior and he treats me like gold.
When you say "why do you let it happen?" it sounds like victim blaming. It doesn't seem compassionate to the fact that constant abuse lowers self esteem, which is what leads a woman to continue to allow the mistreatment. I know this because I have been there.
When I finally disclosed childhood sexual abuse, I was blamed for not being "strong enough to say no". I was also told that it was "only an allegation" and the woman who gave birth to me fed my abuser Christmas dinner. I no longer have contact with those who reacted in this manner.
Originally Posted by Mrs.G
I love dirty talk too, but not all the choking and "who's the little *****" stuff. That would be way too much for me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenpearl
That's why I said her husband should tone down a little bit.
GreenPearl, I wish you would leave this thread alone. You are not helping at all. What you keep telling this woman, ChickenLittle, is she has to be degraded in order to keep her husband. That is an awful message to send to any woman. You are redefining what she wrote to tailor it to mean what you want it all to mean. But dirty talk never, ever has to be and never, ever should be degrading to anyone. What you call toning down may well still be degrading to her. So, being called a bi*ch (and other things he says) 4 times might be toned down in your book but is not better than calling her those names 6 times or 8. We enjoy talking dirty also, but more like the way Mrs.G describes. There is nothing degrading about that. It is fun and serves to enhance the experience for him. You should stop trying to determine and define what it is, what it means to her, and how it makes her feel. You should also stop trying to tell her how she should feel about it. You are not in their bedroom. She already has the man in her life dismissing and minimizing her concerns and blaming her for the outcome of his actions.
The bottom line is no one should do ANYTHING that makes them feel uncomfortable or belittled. If she does not like his manner, no one should encourage her to tolerate it, much less tell her in so many words to get with his program, as if she should value him more than herself, her own worth, and her own self esteem. That is ludicrious.
Not to mention she stated it was causing her anxiety issues. If her H is unwilling to see it has such an impact on her then he is just selfish. Posted via Mobile Device
What does the age difference have to do with the sexual abuse?? Not all older men are manipulative and controlling; only the worst ones are. My husband is 8 years my senior and he treats me like gold.
When you say "why do you let it happen?" it sounds like victim blaming. It doesn't seem compassionate to the fact that constant abuse lowers self esteem, which is what leads a woman to continue to allow the mistreatment. I know this because I have been there.
When I finally disclosed childhood sexual abuse, I was blamed for not being "strong enough to say no". I was also told that it was "only an allegation" and the woman who gave birth to me fed my abuser Christmas dinner. I no longer have contact with those who reacted in this manner.
But that's just it - if she considers herself a victim then she will never set boundaries and say no. That is a big problem for many women. Her low self esteem most likely predated her relationship with this man.
A women with high self esteem would have stopped this creep mid-stork. My message to this lady and tp all women, you are not powerless.
Your body is yours and you should never let anyone near you because you can't say no.
The men have "Man up" message; women need a "women up" message. We are not powerless,
* our bodies are ours we have say over what we do
* no sexual contact unless you want it
* no to coercion or shaming to have sex or do sexual acts
* don't let any man touch you because you want to be liked
I was not compassionate because she does not need that. She needs a kick in the butt to remind her of her power to make this horror stop. Can you imagine having intimate relations with a man who degrades you month after month!!
All she needs to do is tell him no more sex, if he wants to live out his porn fantasies he can go find someone.
Compassion goes to those that are helpless abuse victims.There is nothing in any post that I have ever written on this forum that would indicate that I blame victims of child abuse or that I lack compassion.
I am sincerely sorry for the horrible experience that you suffered, you were a victim and your lovely child's innocence was used by the predator who did this. You my dear, will get the most tender compassion of God and good women and men.
But that's just it - if she considers herself a victim then she will never set boundaries and say no. That is a big problem for many women. Her low self esteem most likely predated her relationship with this man. I agree that the self esteem issues keep her with this man and were there before.
A women with high self esteem would have stopped this creep mid-stork. My message to this lady and tp all women, you are not powerless. I agree with this too. I regret allowing men in the past to use and abuse me....I'm trying to appreciate what I have now instead of whining about my past.
Your body is yours and you should never let anyone near you because you can't say no.
The men have "Man up" message; women need a "women up" message. We are not powerless,
* our bodies are ours we have say over what we do
* no sexual contact unless you want it
* no to coercion or shaming to have sex or do sexual acts
* don't let any man touch you because you want to be liked I agree with all of this.
I was not compassionate because she does not need that. She needs a kick in the butt to remind her of her power to make this horror stop. Can you imagine having intimate relations with a man who degrades you month after month!! I can imagine it because sexual abuse begets more sexual abuse. I have spoken of an awful ex who was emotionally abusive when I didn't want sex. He was ugly and I was only with him because I was naive.
All she needs to do is tell him no more sex, if he wants to live out his porn fantasies he can go find someone.She needs to get herself into some therapy, in order to gain the strength to leave this monster.
Compassion goes to those that are helpless abuse victims.There is nothing in any post that I have ever written on this forum that would indicate that I blame victims of child abuse or that I lack compassion.
I am sincerely sorry for the horrible experience that you suffered, you were a victim and your lovely child's innocence was used by the predator who did this. You my dear, will get the most tender compassion of God and good women and men.
Aww, I'm good now. My abuser lost his father and is sick with lupus...my God is a wrathful God. Every person who has abused me has suffered greatly.
Originally Posted by Mrs.G
I love dirty talk too, but not all the choking and "who's the little *****" stuff. That would be way too much for me.
GreenPearl, I wish you would leave this thread alone. You are not helping at all. What you keep telling this woman, ChickenLittle, is she has to be degraded in order to keep her husband. That is an awful message to send to any woman. You are redefining what she wrote to tailor it to mean what you want it all to mean. But dirty talk never, ever has to be and never, ever should be degrading to anyone. What you call toning down may well still be degrading to her. So, being called a bi*ch (and other things he says) 4 times might be toned down in your book but is not better than calling her those names 6 times or 8. We enjoy talking dirty also, but more like the way Mrs.G describes. There is nothing degrading about that. It is fun and serves to enhance the experience for him. You should stop trying to determine and define what it is, what it means to her, and how it makes her feel. You should also stop trying to tell her how she should feel about it. You are not in their bedroom. She already has the man in her life dismissing and minimizing her concerns and blaming her for the outcome of his actions.
The bottom line is no one should do ANYTHING that makes them feel uncomfortable or belittled. If she does not like his manner, no one should encourage her to tolerate it, much less tell her in so many words to get with his program, as if she should value him more than herself, her own worth, and her own self esteem. That is ludicrious.
I agree with what you said in your post!
Hope they can work out their problem!
My husband and I talk dirty a lot, but he is always respectful towards me, more like jokes. It is like " Are you hungry? Do you want to eat, I have a big piece of meat for you! ", he likes to spank my bum, he likes to grab my hair when he is doing me doggy. I enjoy all the fun. I don't find it demeaning, I find it enjoyable. My husband says I love sex myself, so maybe this is the big difference.
She didn't say she didn't enjoy sex, she stated she doesn't like being called names, getting choked or getting her hair pulled. Posted via Mobile Device
She didn't say she didn't enjoy sex, she stated she doesn't like being called names, getting choked or getting her hair pulled. Posted via Mobile Device
I don't like the choking part. Hair pulling depends if it hurts or not. My husband won't do anything to hurt me! If I say it hurts, he stops right away and becomes more gentle! Sometimes he gets too excited and wild...........................
My husband has never called me any names. He respects me a lot that he won't do this kind of thing. My husband doesn't like all the rough things those porn men do to women. He gets turned off by them.
We have a lot of dirty talks, I can't write all the detail, it is a lot of fun!
She didn't say she didn't enjoy sex, she stated she doesn't like being called names, getting choked or getting her hair pulled. Posted via Mobile Device
Ergo she does not like sex with him. All the more reason to drop this loser and move on to someone with whom she can actually have mutually enjoyable sex.
Why watch him have orgasms using her, he can masturbate to the porn he is so fond of.
How do you know that they are married? I don't see anywhere where she says that guy is her husband. If they have only been together for a year and a half they might not be married yet.
How do you know that they are married? I don't see anywhere where she says that guy is her husband. If they have only been together for a year and a half they might not be married yet.
Ha, you proved me wrong!
I went back and read the post again, she didn't mention they are married.
My husband and I didn't start talking dirty until we got married.
I talked to my husband about this, he said "who is his *****?" is too much, he can't accept this kind of dirty talk. It really shows the dominant attitude of this man.
That is quite a bold claim to know how other women think.
Many women are open-minded, many are close-minded. I can never predict it until I start dating them, they can act totally different in public than to the bedroom.
If you claim to know how other women think, thinking that your in the average par range, I think that is nieve. I think men would have more authority on opinion also, unless of course your lesbian.
Re: Dirty talk makes me feel cheap 
