Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I honestly wonder if some of you read what she wrote before you posted or did you just read the title? She wrote that he chokes her during sex, pulls her hair and does things she is now on medication for due to extreme anxiety over this.
She has talked to him about his porn use and perhaps cause of these "desires" and he tells her she is just insecure.
This isn't role playing or sexual fun. BDSM is about BOTH people being in to it and enjoying it and having a safe environment. He is abusing her to the point where she is scared and having near panic attacks. Does that sound like fun to you? This isn't "dirty talk", this is far and beyond that. This is abuse plain and simple and it will escalate.
I think I read the title, and answered the title.
My first reaction didn't help me comprehend her entire post.
My bad.
She is with a porn addict maybe! Everything has to be balanced, when there is too much, it sinks!
NOT HEAVY Choking / Hair pulling for a woman at the bottom end of the sexual scale is extreme and not the correct approach, especially if she is having panic attacks or medical issues directly resulting from it. OTOH, it is very fustrating for a man to have sex with a woman that is very 'vanilla', almost sexually fragile and you only know that once been in that situation. But I think many women here get on their bandwagons quickly claiming it as abnormal behaviour. It really isn't that abnormal at all. It is just abnormal for this woman in this situation, and all it is at the end of the day, is sexual incompatibility.
My first reaction didn't help me comprehend her entire post.
My bad.
She is with a porn addict maybe! Everything has to be balanced, when there is too much, it sinks!
No, she is with an abuser who enjoys hurting her to the point of choking for his own gratification. Did you read that part? Also did you read the part where she is on medication and having panic attacks because of this?
You posted that she should in essence do whatever to keep her husband happy. Does that include death? This isn't a case of dirty words in the bedroom, this is flat out abuse and she is scared, so scared that she came to an anonymous forum to ask what she can do. Telling her to ask him to tone it down a bit is like telling her to tell her husband to only hit her where the marks cannot be seen. It is dangerous and reckless advice.
NOT HEAVY Choking / Hair pulling for a woman at the bottom end of the sexual scale is extreme and not the correct approach, especially if she is having panic attacks or medical issues directly resulting from it. OTOH, it is very fustrating for a man to have sex with a woman that is very 'vanilla', almost sexually fragile and you only know that once been in that situation. But I think many women here get on their bandwagons quickly claiming it as abnormal behaviour. It really isn't that abnormal at all. It is just abnormal for this woman in this situation, and all it is at the end of the day, is sexual incompatibility.
Ben, Marco, Venis,....whoever you are, you don't understand BDSM at all, do you? I'll be glad to hop on my bandwagon and explain it a bit. BDSM is 100% about trust. Knowing your partner so well that you have an understanding of what is okay and what is not okay. Boundaries are never crossed. It is mutually agreed upon. Respecting that is of the utmost importance. If being choked is your thing and your partner is okay with it and a safe word is in place, cool. If choking is not your thing and suddenly it happens, it will be terrorizing and life threatening. In the OP's case, she is threatened. She is so scared she is having panic attacks. He is abusing her and he belongs in jail.
It IS abnormal behavior to choke your partner without their consent. You might call it "sexual incompatibility". Others call it a felony and assault. In all 50 states. At the end of the day.
Ben, Marco, Venis,....whoever you are, you don't understand BDSM at all, do you? I'll be glad to hop on my bandwagon and explain it a bit. BDSM is 100% about trust. Knowing your partner so well that you have an understanding of what is okay and what is not okay. Boundaries are never crossed. It is mutually agreed upon. Respecting that is of the utmost importance. If being choked is your thing and your partner is okay with it and a safe word is in place, cool. If choking is not your thing and suddenly it happens, it will be terrorizing and life threatening. In the OP's case, she is threatened. She is so scared she is having panic attacks. He is abusing her and he belongs in jail.
It IS abnormal behavior to choke your partner without their consent. You might call it "sexual incompatibility". Others call it a felony and assault. In all 50 states. At the end of the day.
I did say 'extreme and not the correct approach' on his part.
OP, you need to calmly sit your hub down and explain to him this hurts you just the same if he punched you in face. You have to calmly explain to him that while you appreciate his 'enthusiasm' that's not the woman you are and you never ever ever will be. You need to calmly tell him it's not because you don't love him but you're just mismatched in this one crucial way. And HE's the one who has to change. You can't and won't.
What I would suggest is that you have to stop what you're doing, while you're doing it, if it becomes uncomfortable. You need a 'safe word' or such as a cue for him to dial it back. I would even practice with it, make out dressed or semi undressed and mess around. Practice using the safe word, so you both understand what it is and what happens. Show him how quickly he has to dial back, be it 5 seconds or 15 or whatever don't explain it. Show him. And make sure you don't wait until he can't stop. Try to help him to slow down a little. Give him encouragement and positive feedback for being gentle. Show him with touch, not just words.
Yes, I'm suggesting some use of tantric sex.
Now here is the most sensible, sensitive and well thought out post of all, in my opinion. She loves this man and although I would not put up with having things done to me for as long as she has, it in the nature of women to try to please the man they love.
I am certain that we all do things for our husbands that we are not particularly fond of but it makes him happy. Since there is nothing more intoxicating than a very happy man, it is natural to slip into letting things go too far in a deire to make him happy.
So her reaction of letting it go on is very normal for a woman. May she did not come back because she felt blamed or shamed perhaps. If that's the case please know that you reaction is normal and even touching because you are trying to satisfy your husband.
As you can see from reading post in this forum, many women have no interest in doing so. You have jut let your desire to please get out of hand and you need to develope the skills of boundary setting. Just dial that man back.
This isn't an "approach" but I doubt you realize that.
Of course it is an 'approach'. It is the obnoxious without consideration to her feelings and health 'just do it' approach. The correct approach would be discussion to gauge her sexual boundaries and establishment of a safe word with consideration to her feelings and health approach.
No, she is with an abuser who enjoys hurting her to the point of choking for his own gratification. Did you read that part? Also did you read the part where she is on medication and having panic attacks because of this?
You posted that she should in essence do whatever to keep her husband happy. Does that include death? This isn't a case of dirty words in the bedroom, this is flat out abuse and she is scared, so scared that she came to an anonymous forum to ask what she can do. Telling her to ask him to tone it down a bit is like telling her to tell her husband to only hit her where the marks cannot be seen. It is dangerous and reckless advice.
Your advice is much better! I am glad a lot of you disagree with me and give her much better advice! So she now knows what to do! Get rid of this man, if I were her! I am glad that she didn't come to me personally and I give her wrong advice. This is a forum, it is suppose to have different advice.
Now here is the most sensible, sensitive and well thought out post of all, in my opinion. She loves this man and although I would not put up with having things done to me for as long as she has, it in the nature of women to try to please the man they love.
I am certain that we all do things for our husbands that we are not particularly fond of but it makes him happy. Since there is nothing more intoxicating than a very happy man, it is natural to slip into letting things go too far in a deire to make him happy.
So her reaction of letting it go on is very normal for a woman. May she did not come back because she felt blamed or shamed perhaps. If that's the case please know that you reaction is normal and even touching because you are trying to satisfy your husband.
As you can see from reading post in this forum, many women have no interest in doing so. You have jut let your desire to please get out of hand and you need to develope the skills of boundary setting. Just dial that man back.
Runs you rock. Posted via Mobile Device
Well I have learned a lot from all the postings here, and feel really grateful for all of your support.
I'll try to update quickly on the conversation I had with him after the encounter I told you about.
Basically, I wanted to use this experience as an example, a segue. I tried to tell him that I felt weird the next day, that we had gone a little too far and that maybe we could be less hard core next time. It wasn't even before I had gotten a few sentences out that he started to criticize my "approach" to the conversation, giving me directions on how to have a conversation like this. He offered at least five major criticisms before I was done even getting the issue on the table. I thought some of them were valid, such as "can't you see how you are making me feel? put yourself in my shoes for a minute and start the conversation with something like 'this is not meant to be a criticism' etc. I thought I had done this. After a few comments I was exasperated and told him that how was I supposed to talk to him if he is railroading the conversation by making me question myself and be more self conscious than I already was? Why can't I just have a minute to be upset and not consider him?? I said sometimes I need to be "selfish" and just have a reaction. However, I had started this conversation on the right foot, and by this point it was spiraling down. He said I was unaware of how I was coming across, and that this was an ambush, and why hadn't I given him some kind of indication of what the conversation would be about before we started it? I said, this conversation was NOT about him, that he needed to be there for me for a minute, that this was hard and embarrassing for me to talk about. I told him that I didnt think I was being critical or lacking in self awareness and he exclaimed; "Are you stupid????" So that conversation went well. Later, as in days/weeks later, he complained of being self conscious, of having to think about where I was at before/during/after sex. I really didnt have much sympathy for that, frankly.
Anyway. Its been a while. That kind of sex hasn't happened again, because I think he feels embarrassed. I didn't mean to make him feel like this, I just wanted to tell him (and did tell him) that after hard core sex like that, I felt it was difficult to reconnect with my body, I felt strangely numb from having to kind of play a role. That I didnt want to continue to do that, because I felt it would have long term negative affects. If he needs that kind of sex, you are all right, he should find someone who also enjoys it.
Part of the reason I let it go on, was that during that kind of sex, I had never really seen him so "into" it, there was just a certain sense of abandon that I got from him, he felt powerful, sexy, like he was where he wanted to be. Sometimes you have to cross the line to see where the line is. I havent seen that kind of abandon from him since. He has always seemed self conscious unless we are having rough sex and he is talking to me. With previous men that I perhaps didn't feel as strongly about, I still felt a thousand times more mentally connected, and I would cum every time. I don't even think about cumming anymore because I know its just not going to happen. I can't get lost in it. I really like engaging sex, it is just different than what he considers engaging sex. I like to feel I am very aware of who the person in front of me is, and that we are sharing something intimate and personal, not that we need to act like porn stars to lose our self consciousness.
Re: Dirty talk makes me feel cheap 
