Sex feels like nothing and it's a chore
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Sex feels like nothing and it's a chore

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 05-16-2011, 10:14 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Sex feels like nothing and it's a chore

Hi
Im new to this whole thing and I'm at the end of my rope with sex and I need help. My husband and I have been together for 5 years and I love him very much we have a 3 year old son buuuuuttttt the sex is terrible. He has a very high sex drive and I used to have a decent sex drive before my son but now it's kinda low not to mention it's hard to get excited for disappointment. The sex was not always terrible but it was never the best that I had ever had but I loved him so much I thought over time it would get better but I was dead wrong.

On every other level we connect but the connection with sex just isn't there. We have tried different positions, toys, lubricants and nothing makes it feel good. I haven't had an orgasm from sex in about 4 years. He performs oral sex and I can get and orgasm from that but I'm tired of that too. He is an absolute fanatic of oral sex! It's not my cup of tea but I do it because I love him, of course not as often as he would like. He takes me not wanting sex very personally and feels as though he is not being taken care of when we go through a dry spell. I am really starting to resent him ability to orgasm. He goes on and on about how sex is so wonderful and feels so good to him but what about me. He tries to make me feel bad for not wanting to have sex because he says it's the way to show love. I understand that but again do I feel loved with having to do something that brings me no pleasure to please you?

Sex is about the pleasure of two people and he is the only one getting pleasure. We both work full-time but of course he thinks he works so much harder than I do which is not at all true. Like I said I am at the end of my rope and looking for answers any help would be great.
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Old 05-16-2011, 01:14 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex feels like nothing and it's a chore

if your husband goes down on you regularly and gives you orgasms that way, it doesn't sound like he's being all that selfish; maybe just barking up the wrong tree. Does he just have really bad technique?
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Old 05-16-2011, 01:29 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex feels like nothing and it's a chore

"Barking up the wrong tree". Not sure I would have phrased it that way, but...

Sounds like to me that maybe it's all in your head. You have a negative attitude to begin with, that carries into the act itself, and then you have a bad sexual experience. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Find out WHY it doesn't bring you pleasure. If it's his technique, tell him, but also show him what you want.
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Old 05-16-2011, 01:30 PM   #4 (permalink)
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No he is really good at oral sex but it has gotten to the point where it's old and I want to be able to orgasm from penetration.
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Old 05-16-2011, 01:32 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex feels like nothing and it's a chore

Talk to your doctor about your desire. You may have some lingering hormone problems from your pregnancy. If you're on anti-depressants, those could take away libido. You may need to exercise more to spur your libido. Certain foods like chocolate, watermelon, and garlic can also help.

If your husband is doing something specifically wrong, then you should discuss it with him. If he's trying to give you pleasure and you're just not getting any, then you need to work on yourself. You should continue to have sex at a reasonable frequency until you can get yourself over the hump of orgasm with him. Perhaps use a vibrator during intercourse?

Good luck.
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Old 05-16-2011, 01:40 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I do believe most of it is in my head. Sex is after all 90% mental. We have never had the greatest sex but it has never been this bad either. He does all the things that got me there in the past and I feel nothing. I don't even feel close to him after it's just another thing on the list to keep him from complaining so much. If he had his way we would have sex everyday but I'm not into it and it's really sad. Before marriage there was some infidelity on both ends but none since then (I don't think).
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Old 05-16-2011, 01:41 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex feels like nothing and it's a chore

Are you sticking it in the right end?
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Old 05-16-2011, 01:48 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I have used vibrators and I can come with it just not with him
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Old 05-16-2011, 02:27 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex feels like nothing and it's a chore

What is your relationship like other than the sex. Is your husband physically attractive to you? Do you have some resentment towards your husband on other issues in your marriage?
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Old 05-16-2011, 02:29 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex feels like nothing and it's a chore

Do you orgasm strictly through penetration with the vibrator, or do you need the vibrations or clit stimulation? Have you though about using a vibrator on yourself while he's in you, or a vibrating c*ck ring?

Did you used to orgasm through penetration? Was that before you had a child, and it hasn't happened since? Have you tried Kegel exercises to tighten things up?

You mention that sex with him isn't "the best you've ever had"... Why? Have you talked to him about it?

No offense, but you probably need to take ownership of the problem (and obviously you're trying to, by posting in here). But he probably thinks he's doing fine because you're getting your orgasms through oral sex. But as far as having one through penetration, you're really the only one that can tell him what needs to be different.

I feel your/his pain somewhat, though... My GF can have numerous orgasms through oral, fingers, toys... But penetration just doesn't do it for her, even though she says it feels really good. But it's been like that with all her partners; she's only once had an orgasm through penetration and that was a "special" circumstance. So I'm looking forward to any help you get!

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Old 05-16-2011, 02:37 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex feels like nothing and it's a chore

my wife can have orgasms thru penetration, but it is sporadic and unpredictable. She really likes to be manually stimulated while I kiss her after I am finished. If she has any complaints, she hasn't shared them with me.
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Old 05-16-2011, 02:40 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex feels like nothing and it's a chore

Quote:
Originally Posted by Glas-Ceiling View Post
I have used vibrators and I can come with it just not with him
I used to have this problem and I solved it by kicking the vibrator habit. I learned through masturbating how to pleasure myself without a vibrator (difficulty level = medium) then I was able to translate that to orgasm with men.
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Old 05-16-2011, 03:01 PM   #13 (permalink)
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That's just it I haven't used a vibrator in probably almost a year, we have tried the vibrating ring to no avail, and I can have an orgasm through masturbation. I am happy with the way he behaves about it sometimes but I also don't expect marriage to be all happy times. We enjoy each others company and companionship and we really do love each other but I don't connect with him through penetration.

We talk about it a great deal but again he takes it so personally and we both end up hurt. I'm hurting because I want to have some pleasure in sex and he's hurting because if I don't want sex I must not live him the way I say I do. Also when he's not getting sex or oral sex it magnifies everything and suddenly I become this horrible uncaring person.
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Old 05-16-2011, 03:06 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Do you respect your husband?
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Old 05-16-2011, 03:07 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex feels like nothing and it's a chore

He badgers you for sex to much, that is why you feel like it's just another job to do. You can't relax enough to have pleasure. You are busy making it good for him.

You take over, and be in control. You say what goes, and he has to submit to it. Maybe you can relax enough to have fun. Tell him what you do want, and how. More foreplay, roleplay, sensual talking. Whatever turns you on.
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