onepotatotwo

I've been married for 6 months now after knowing/living with my H for 4 years. He is divorced with two teen boys that I adore and we get along great. His ex wife is an evil troll from hell and we've hated one another from day one--she had a history of cheating and then abandoned them all for a big expensive house and an old man with money.

Long story short, we used to have a great sex life. Despite times when we'd fight and just be angry with one another, our sex was always good. But over the last 6 months it's deteriorated into nothing...

He used to work nights but we found time for sex even though our lives were very hectic working opposite shifts. Then he was laid off for a year and our sex life started deteriorating because we were constantly fighting about everything like a couple of kids.

Since we got married, our sex life has dwindled down to nothing. We haven't had sex now for over a month and a half. I'm beyond devastated. I haven't let myself go, I try to initiate but it never goes anywhere. He was tired, depressed, headache, you name the excuse and he had it... He hasn't touched me physically like caressing or hugging for the last month or so... All I get are "friendly" pokes and horseplay. Nothing is romantic, gentle or what any normal wife needs from a husband. I might as well be one of his teen boys for the way he treats me...

I have a very high sex drive. I was married previously and we had sex daily. Although I am a few years older now, I still have a high sex drive. Once every few days would satisfy me but we've moved beyond that to once every few weeks, and now once every couple of months. Frankly it is just unacceptable as far as I'm concerned and ready to divorce him.

I've tried talking to him but he claims there's no problem...I've gone over all the stuff possibly causing him to not be interested--job loss, depression, etc--but he claims to be 'fine'.

Granted, we have fought at times and said hurtful things to one another, but I've forgiven him...it seems like maybe he can't forgive me...or doesn't like me...or I just don't "do it" for him anymore.

I've laid it all out to him...how I feel and that if we don't improve our marriage I want out. He made a half-hearted attempt to respond to my advances last night, but it was plainly obvious he was doing it to appease me so I just went to sleep--and we went without sex yet another night.

The thing is that my heart hurts. I loved him enough to marry him, support kids that aren't mine, and go above and beyond to make him and the boys happy. But the things I need to live--gentle touches, caresses, a back rub, kissing, hugging, affection, sex--none of that is happening anymore. At least I admit we've got a problem...he refuses to admit we're having a problem and that "it will get better in time." I said that time is not on our side and that I'm ready for divorce. So, he tried to be nice and hug me and spoon with me a little but it seemed 'fake' and never progressed to anything more.

He claims to not be cheating because I asked him about that. I've investigated without him knowing, and it seems to be the truth. Although, there is a new HR person who texts him a zillion times a day and is the kind of woman who'd be his type if they both weren't married. I doubt he's cheating though.

So I don't know what gives. He does kind things but he is absolutely not *physically* affectionate to me at all. He's always there for me and my own family and is very kind and caring but not towards me physically. I can't live without the physical stuff...I feel like I'm dying a little bit every day.

Any advice because I'm just stumped...

ClipClop

Get him into MC with you. He needs to hear there's a prob from someone else.

Though maybe this explains ex wife cheating
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onepotatotwo

I get why she cheated...she left most of her counseling stuff at the house when she moved out and I read them. He was distant with her too...sat in separate corners of the house, didn't talk, not much intimate conversation or touching, but at night he'd "try to jump her bones" on a daily basis and she'd rebuff him and not want sex(which I can't blame her for).
I can see he's repeating some of the old patterns he had with her, from having read her notes...But I can't get him to see what he's doing...

ladyybyrd

I am going through the exact thing Onepotatoetwo, Are we married to the same man. Sure sounds like we are. My H and I haven't had sex in almost 4 months. Been married almost 14 years. Unfortuantly I have no advice to offer you, I can only relate.


I've tried talking to him but he claims there's no problem...I've gone over all the stuff possibly causing him to not be interested--job loss, depression, etc--but he claims to be 'fine'.

Talking does nothing, same in my case. I can talk to my h until i am blue in the face and out of breath and nothing. All he says is "we will work on it" we will work on it never happened. My h seems to think i am the one with the problem wanting sex as much as i do. There is nothing wrong with me. Its my H with the problem, not me.

the things I need to live--gentle touches, caresses, a back rub, kissing, hugging, affection, sex--none of that is happening anymore. At least I admit we've got a problem...he refuses to admit we're having a problem and that "it will get better in time." I said that time is not on our side and that I'm ready for divorce. So, he tried to be nice and hug me and spoon with me a little but it seemed 'fake' and never progressed to anything more.

I am the same way with the touching. I need it. H says there is no problem and everything is FINE, i would like to know what world he is living in, because it isn't the same one I'm in.


He claims to not be cheating because I asked him about that. I've investigated without him knowing, and it seems to be the truth. Although, there is a new HR person who texts him a zillion times a day and is the kind of woman who'd be his type if they both weren't married. I doubt he's cheating though.

I thought my H was cheating also. Actually i was pretty dead set on it. It seemed like the best explanation I could come up with as well as a "gut" feeling. I found nothing, nada.

I flat out asked him one day if he was seeing someone else. Of course he said no. He would not get his cell phone records (cricket) He went there to get them and called to tell me it would have been 75.00, We didnt have to extra 75 to blow (i should have told him to DO it anyway) come to find out he lied about the cost. I called them i was told 35.00 to get them.
I still don't know if i believe him. My H is different, i cant really explain it.

What does you intuition tell you? If it is going off there is something definitely going on and through my experience it is normally correct. I just need proof.

I am sorry to say, that it won't get any better (in my experience) I am getting ready to leave my H, I can't do it anymore. He has rejected me for far to long. I just do my own thing now. You will start resenting your h (if you don't already) and resentment turns into hate. I am at the beginning of the hate stage now. I don't even want my H touching me anymore, infact i avoid it now.

__________________
I have realized over the years the only person you should ever rely on is yourself, everyone else will just let you down.

Runs like Dog

And the material difference is....what? Either he's cheating and lying to you or it's something else and he's lying to you. The end result is almost the same thing albeit the motivations are different.

onepotatotwo

I am sorry to say, that it won't get any better (in my experience) I am getting ready to leave my H, I can't do it anymore. He has rejected me for far to long. I just do my own thing now. You will start resenting your h (if you don't already) and resentment turns into hate. I am at the beginning of the hate stage now. I don't even want my H touching me anymore, infact i avoid it now.[/QUOTE]

I'm at the resentment stage too. I don't know what his problem is but I'm pretty sick of it. I more than pull my own weight around here and living like this is b.s. I feel emotionally starved and he could care less....always some excuse...
The only time he seems happy ever is if he gets to have contact with his exwife...I'm sure I'm reading more into it than that, and probably it's my own feelings talking, but he seems to perk up when he's had contact with her. I've done alot of checking into this, but he hasn't done anything wrong, so I know that's my bad--and that I still feel like it's something he's up to...
I'm sure it's just him being out of "like" for me right now and I really don't want to live the rest of my life going for who knows how long waiting for him to 'like' me again.

I'm working on a plan to divorce him because I really don't see a future here. He knows I'm incredibly unhappy and ready for divorce court, but he seems to think we'll be fine and work everything out... I don't know about that...

DennisNLA

Have him get a physical including blood work to check testosterone levels. As men age, these levels go down and possibly cause men to not desire sex. Natural replacement can include resistance training, plus there are perscriptions that can boost testosterone levels.

I'd also start to look at him phone / email to see if there is an affair going on to cover all your basis.

The 13th_Floor

Why is the new HR girl texting your H a zillion times per day and why the hell are you okay with it???
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The 13th_Floor

It's the HR girl... Read again.
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Mrs.G

Mrs.G

ladyybyrd

I would defiantly look into this. This is a red flag.

__________________
I have realized over the years the only person you should ever rely on is yourself, everyone else will just let you down.

ladyybyrd

Are we married to the same man? lol. Your H and mine sound like the same man.

My H knows i am unhappy and just plain doesn't care. He told me once "it's all in your head!" sure it is, right! I have seemed to make up all of our problems up in my head.

I have never really gotten a strait answer from him as to why! He says he has low testosterone, but won't do anything about it. Obviously, he doesn't care what i need from him.

I have been doing what they call "the 180" Been doing it since January and in my case it has had no effect, but it may work for you. here is the link - Marriage BuildersŪ Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list

I haven't worked in 3 years and now am a stay at home mom. This is pretty much the only reason why i am still here. My H doesn't want me to work, he wants me to stay home. I want to go back to work part time. Quite frankly i am going a little nuts being at home with a toddler all day long. I am going to get a job and if h doesn't like it, well then that is tough ****, isn't it.

I would really look into the HR girl and your H. If you have to put a voice activated recorder in his car and see what you get. You might be surprised.

__________________
I have realized over the years the only person you should ever rely on is yourself, everyone else will just let you down.

onepotatotwo

Why is the new HR girl texting your H a zillion times per day and why the hell are you okay with it???

He doesn't have email set up yet at work, so she has to contact him about benefits, insurance, all the stuff required on a new job--Plus there's a zillion meetings a day so he doesn't know about them (being without email and all) unless someone texts him.

I still don't trust either one though...She's just his type--duplicate of his exwife--brunette, likes sports, marathon runner... I don't trust either of them but I could care less since he doesnt' want me anyways.

onepotatotwo

Ladybird, I trust H on some levels but on some I don't...and regardless of trusting him, I don't know this broad and don't trust any woman who texts another woman's husband regardless of intent.

I've got all his phone records, text message log, etc. and I'm saving them for divorce court if necessary. I'm not going to say anything to let him know what I"m up to but I'm going to pay real close attention to what he's up to. It's not that I care anymore--I'm over the whole jealous thing...but I am going to be a smart woman and document everything. If I divorce him, he's not going to screw me over like he says he would...I'll rake him over the coals if he doesn't divorce fairly... but I'm hoping it doesn't come to that. I hope that if we do divorce it can be civil--but I'm going to stack the deck in my favor just in case he decides to be a jerk