Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
So, I guess it's pretty cliche to be in a sexless marriage from what I read on here, as many of you guys are going through it like champions. This is kind of the norm for me - we had a great engagement, then maybe the day we got married it slumped down to almost nothing. And when he does do it, he rarely "finishes" -- I mean almost never. I consider us *very* blessed that we have an toddler right now. I went through so many stages the past 5 years, from turning up the flirtations, to sexy lingerie which make him feel "pressured." I have totally backed off and for that year we made love 4 times. It has not been fun, but the truth is otherwise, I love my husband so much that I told myself I would stick it out with him and grind through it with him. So, please no advice to leave him. I will not. I didn't marry him for his sex drive. I love him.
So, the kicker has been this year. Believe it or not, I'm pregnant again. (Right?! What?) I didn't understand how it was possible, but he got this funny look on his face when we were staring at the test and fessed up. Having a toddler is hard work, and our family lives on the other side of the country. So, when we get the extremely rare chance for a babysitter for date night, we take it! And it doesn't happen often. Well, over the holiday I drank more than I should have and ended up passing out. So, while I was sleeping, he did the deed (and easily finished apparently) so now we're expecting #2. To make matters worse, he re-clothed me afterwards so I feel like he is ashamed and tried to cover it up.
I don't even know how to articulate exactly how I feel. It's killing me in ways that are hard to describe. I thought I had accepted what become our life and this turned everything upside down, especially when he is again back to rejecting me for sex again and again and again. I don't understand this at all and am hurt that I could be starving for this kind of intimacy I thought he couldn't give me anymore... I had accepted he wouldn't give me anymore. I feel betrayed because he is only fessing up now because he got caught. I feel like I had no say in when we are going to have #2. I don't know if this has happened before. I'm so upset and can't get over it, and baby #2 is due in a couple of months. I know I need to talk to him, but I literally open my mouth and get so upset that nothing comes out. The look on his face is so horrible too, I can tell he's ashamed... which is not the reaction I want either.. I just wish I understood.
Guys: do you know how this can happen... at all?
Women: do you have any experience with this?
Divorce him. That's some seriously ducked up behavior.
Men with delayed or retarded ejaculation sometimes have emotional or mental issues. Your h s has a big one. What if this were a sister or other woman passed out? It was rape for you and it'd be rape for them. The inability to give consent is no consent.
I fully understand a man with de. I do not understand a man who has sex with someone who us passed out. Taking advantage of someone scares the hell out of me. I would be afraid to have children around him, esp. If he finds getting off with someone incapacitated easy. Posted via Mobile Device
Sex while you are incapacitated is abuse. I have experience with that. No pregnancy due to it, but humiliation and shame just the same. Ultimately it leads to resentment and hatred.
My counselor that I just started seeing (2 visits so far) told me my husband needs intense psychotherapy to deal with his sexual issues. There are other things he has done as well that are also abuse. She said that until HE gets help, marriage counseling will not help us.
I'm so angry at myself for putting up with it for 8 more years after I initially got the nerve to tell him it was over with us in 2003. We went to counseling for 5 months back then. He stops for awhile and then starts up again. We have 3 kids and I am a stay-at-home mom, so I have stayed for the kids. I'm working on getting out now. There are a lot of logistics that I have to work out first.
Take care of YOURSELF. Insist that he get counseling.
I agree with mommy22. I don't think you should jump to conclusions. There may indeed be medical issues that are causing the problem and he needs to see a urologist.
The having sex while they are asleep fetish isn't really that rare. There is a porn category for people into that sort of stuff, and I guess whatever floats your boat. Doesn't do that much for me, however.
I've heard of some men doing this to their wives but it was in ADDITION to a normal healthy sexual relationship. These women knew about it and knew to take precautions like oh being on the birth control pill.
This douche didn't use protection, doesn't have sex with her when he's awake, so my vote is it's downright abuse and sick. This guy is seriously messed up.
Well, over the holiday I drank more than I should have and ended up passing out. So, while I was sleeping, he did the deed (and easily finished apparently) so now we're expecting #2. To make matters worse, he re-clothed me afterwards so I feel like he is ashamed and tried to cover it up.
Mercedes, this is NOT normal.
He had sex with you while you were passed out and even re-re-dressed you so you would not know.
Ask him how many other times it has happened.
If you can't consent to sex, it's wrong.
Granted, this is your husband but him having sex wtih you while you have no memory of it and knowing full well you were not aware of it is NOT ok.
Could it be that he has performance anxiety? Do you think he gets nervous or afraid he can't please you? Maybe the two of you should seek counseling to get to the root of the problem. Maybe he's not the weirdo he's made out to be. He may have anxiety in that area. Encourage him to speak to a counselor with you.
Absolutely my FIRST thought when reading the original post.
He rejects your sexual advances, but he will have sex with you while you're asleep? So this isn't a one time thing where this has happened? He has done this several times?
Since your plan is to NOT leave him, because you love him, and since you have been given advice as from others opinions as to it not being normal, (and I second that)what do you feel you need to do?
IMO, you can't just clam up everytime you know you need to talk to him. Even if he feels ashamed, it still needs to be talked about.
Having sex with you while you're asleep is a choice. A mental choice. It doesn't sound like a medical issue. Do you know if he is watching lots of porn? Maybe this is where the idea came from.
Ok, so your title is, "husband only interested when I'm passed out."
So did this happen one time? Or more than once because your title makes it sound like you pass out alot.
So are you drinking and passing out? Or are you meaning he does this when you lay down at night to actually go to sleep, but not passing out from drinking?
I'm not really sure what my plan is besides coming onto this forum and after gleaning some wisdom from you brilliant people, salvaging the situation, feeling better and watching the clouds part.
I wasn't really intending to paint him as a bad guy.. I am just having some trouble dealing with this and I don't really even understand why. And, I *really* don't know what to say to him, though as a couple of you have pointed out: I need to. I've thought about just sitting him down and saying: 'please don't have sex with me when I'm asleep' and leaving it at that.
But, that just sounds ridiculous when I form the words in my mouth.
I don't want to undercut any of the advice on here. But, just to paint the other side: he's a great father, my daughter adores him and he is my best friend. He is sweet and very caring towards me in all other aspects of our life together, though I recognize that we clearly have some problems with our sexual relationship.
He doesn't do porn. No one can be 100%, but I'd be surprised: he's always been honest with me when asked a direct question, even if I don't want to hear the answer. Even with this, he was..
I don't really know if it's happened before. I found out this time because of the pregnancy. If I ask him, I know he'll tell me, but I don't know how I'll handle bad news there.
So, it sounds like we both probably need the counseling. If there is some performance anxiety or something, it will root out there.
Thanks for your help. Apologies on the double post.
Husband only interested when I'm passed out? 
I went through so many stages the past 5 years, from turning up the flirtations, to sexy lingerie which make him feel "pressured." I have totally backed off and for that year we made love 4 times. It has not been fun, but the truth is otherwise, I love my husband so much that I told myself I would stick it out with him and grind through it with him. So, please no advice to leave him. I will not. I didn't marry him for his sex drive. I love him.
