Hurtful- Husband refuses sex with me. Too late to fix?
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Old 05-19-2011, 10:00 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Hurtful- Husband refuses sex with me. Too late to fix?

My husband just admitted he can't intimate with me when I discovered he watches porn 2 nights ago. It's beyond hurtful. We were college lovebirds and have been married 8 years. I just had our first baby last month. We haven't had sex since I was 3 months preg, his reason was he didn't want to hurt the baby. So now when I asked him when we can resume our sex life he did not want to answer but after I confronted him, he says he does not have sexual desire with me anymore.

There are 2 things bothering him and I need to admit they are true.

The first thing is I was depressed, emotionally unstable during the first 3 yrs of marriage and always refused him and most of times I did that as a punishment when I did not get what I wanted him to do. I've learned my lesson because he moved out and we were separated for 8 months before reconciled 4 years ago. We've been to the MC and I'm aware of my controlling issue or what they called power struggles. After we are back together things were better but still not the same before we were married. He never admits his lack of sexual desire with me during the therapy sessions, he just says he's always stressed and tired.

The second thing is that I wanted to have baby but he did not. Last year he was at the level of baby-phobic and I was trying to ignore that and convince him to have unprotected sex everytime. He always refused sex but I reassured him one night that I was close to my period so it's safe but it turned out he got my pregnant that night which was the only sex in like 3 month period. He was extremely angry with me that I tied his hands and forced him to have baby.

Now I've realized I'm still having controlling issue and I want to fix things. He says he loves me and cares for me and baby but he can't have sex with me. He has had it his own way of releasing it for several years and that hurts me badly. I asked him to talk about this with our MC or seek advice from sex therapist he says he does not want to fix it although he says firmly he will not leave me or baby.

I'm having lots of guilt right now and can see why he has become unattracted to me. I love him dearly and am trying to fix my controlling issue. I want my husband and marriage back but is it too late? He told me there are couples that live together without sex and we can be like that too. I told him I can't live like that and I will fix things and respect him. He listened but did not say anything further.

Guys, have you been so chronically pissed or felt disrespected by your wife? What made you forgive her, trust her, or be able to intimate with her again?
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Old 05-19-2011, 10:13 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hurtful- Husband refuses sex with me. Too late to fix?

Well, I'm not a guy, but I'm in the same boat only it's me who's said I'm done. My husband and I have had issues throughout our marriage ... he's very LD and we'd only have sex 4 - 5 times/year throughout our 28 year marriage, despite me bringing it up numerous times. He never had an answer as to why.

I just turned 50 in April and no-one believes I'm that old - so I really don't believe it's a physical attraction issue, though for many years I figured it HAD to be something wrong with me. Why else wouldn't a typical male want to have sex with a warm and willing wife?

We're in MC now ... have had 4 sessions and have our next one tomorrow ... and in the second one I told him that I don't even WANT sex anymore. I'm so angry and resentful over the past 28 years when it could've been so amazing between us that I don't care if he ever touches me again. I just CANNOT picture myself having sex with him anymore ... or for that matter with anyone else. And I'm angry that he's taken that away from me, since I won't leave my marriage.

So, yes, I am so chronically bitter and resentful that I will not get past it. I just don't want to ... and I expect to live the rest of my life without sex.

Maybe it's not too late for you and your husband though. You don't have quite as many years of anger and resentment built up as I do so your husband may still come around, especially if you can show him that you really are sorry and that things will be different FROM NOW ON. However, that feeling of betrayal from you getting pregnant may take awhile to go away. Best of luck.
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Old 05-19-2011, 10:24 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hurtful- Husband refuses sex with me. Too late to fix?

it's not that unusual for a new father to feel a little weird about sex. Before the pregnancy, sex wasn't a problem. I think a counselor could help turn this around (if you can get him to go). He's watched your body change completely and maybe he watched his child's head pop out of his old amusement park. He's had to see you in a completely new way. You've got to help him see you as "lover" instead of "mother" sometimes. Take it slowly, a little cuddling, a little teasing, without pressure. You know where his buttons are and you know how to push them.
I've been chronically pissed and I've felt disrespected and neglected for sometimes months on end. Even in my very darkest hour, it doesn't take Wife long to get me going. The cure for neglect is pampering and sex.
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Old 05-19-2011, 10:28 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hurtful- Husband refuses sex with me. Too late to fix?

I am new to these forums. I found them because my husband and I are having the same problems. I cant believe it! Anyway, I was the same way in the begining, I was the refuser at times but usually fullfilled him anyway. We have been married 4yrs and have a 13month old. He was also very into porn and it really bothered me at first but I realized it was harmless and he is 100% faithful so it is what it is... We had an amazing sex life until a yr ago he was put on meds for ptsd and has lost the desire to have sex or look at porn. Im in hell... The least he could do is help a little you know.
Now about tricking him into getting you pregnant, that probably did alot of harm. He expressed that he didnt want a child but you took it into your own hands and did it anyway. Now he is a father and that is huge. I can see where he would be mad. At the same time I can see your side too. The one thing most women want and need in life is a child, and they will do what it takes.
You are taking the right steps in trying to mend your relationship. He needs to figure out what the hell he needs to do. He cant keep you as a wife but not treat you as one whats that about. He may never truly forgive you or trust you.
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Old 05-19-2011, 10:35 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hurtful- Husband refuses sex with me. Too late to fix?

I doubt these issues over control ever get resolved. Swept under the rug, ignored? Yes. But eliminated, no. Once a control freak and a boss-Nazi always one. After going through endless counselors the wife once blurted out that I needed to get permission from her to go to the bathroom. She wasn't making a joke. That's how the world looks to people like that. Oh they might be able to repress their urges for a while but eventually that old tyrant dictator will emerge again.
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Old 05-19-2011, 10:39 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hurtful- Husband refuses sex with me. Too late to fix?

I think a good idea is to show your husband, outside the bedroom that you are backing off of being the controlling spouse by letting him call some shots.

Start small. The next time you go to dinner, let him decide on the restaurant. Don't offer any suggestions, just get in the passenger seat and tell him to surprise you. When you get there, let him order for you. He knows what you like. Obviously, offer nothing but praise for his choices, like you would a first date. Try little things like that to get both of you comfortable with him leading you.

Maybe buy some lingerie just to wear around the house. Don't try to initiate, just try to get him looking at you. If he does initiate, make the first few times more about him. If he's willing to have intercourse, use condoms.

Go to Married Man Sex Life and buy Athol's book. It's a marriage saver. Read it, and then ask your husband to read it.

It's a big hole that you're digging yourself out of. But, since your husband is committed to staying in the relationship, you have a decent chance.

Good luck.
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Old 05-19-2011, 10:58 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hurtful- Husband refuses sex with me. Too late to fix?

Thanks for every tips and support. I'm committed to saving my marriage so I will try to stay right on track. Yes, I have dug a big hole for years including tricking him to having a baby which, at the time, I thought I could make him STAY. He stays, of course, but due to past love and present/future responsibility of our child. I realize my issues now, it's never been clearer and louder. We have been to the councelor during past 4 years so you can see that he is somewhat committed to make our relationship better too. It just, unfortunately, has not worked out.

We adore our couselor and like him so much but I can see now that we can't leave things to the couselor to fix, we need to admit our faults and fix it ourselves too.

I can see that his string has been stretched out max so I will do my very best to respect his resentment and not pressure him to forgive me sooner than he is willing to (which I know it could be hard because I've always been a perfectionist and control freak).

To Run like Dogs, I honestly thank you for pointing out that in most people the control issue cann't really be changed. Your comment could very well be true and that makes me want to make sure I need to fix it hard and make it last if I want my marriage and my man back.
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Old 05-19-2011, 01:11 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hurtful- Husband refuses sex with me. Too late to fix?

I have one more question. What's the best way to handle porn stuff?

When we started talking about the sex issues and he started to open more I asked him gently if he would let me watch porn with him. I cried and confessed to him that I have been watching it alone too. I promised him if he agrees to I would not force him into sex, just want to watch it with him and that's it. He said fine. Now it has been almost a week and he hasn't talked to me about it since.

Should I ask him nicely again? I want to be honest with him. I want to enjoy watching it with him but at the same time, I don't want to keep asking or pushing him because that's one of my bad controlling behaviors in the past. Or I should ignore it and let him continue watch porn/masturbate alone without telling me? I can try to respect that eventhough it will be very hurtful.
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Old 05-19-2011, 01:40 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hurtful- Husband refuses sex with me. Too late to fix?

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Originally Posted by bonsai View Post
I have one more question. What's the best way to handle porn stuff?
I would simply bring it up nonchalantly. After dinner, suggest the two of you watch porn together. If he balks, don't get mad or upset. Say you'll do it another time and wait a week or so before asking again. I know it will hurt to know he's watching it and masturbating without you. But, that's one of the consequences of your past actions that you need to accept and get through. Hopefully it won't last that long.

If he accepts, just snuggle next to him on the couch and watch. Don't try to initiate sex. Over several sessions, I suggest communicating your arousal in plainer and plainer terms. You could start by talking and, a several sessions later, be masturbating on the couch next to him. You should eventually try to include him by asking which scenes/actresses he likes the most, if he would like to try a certain position/scenario sometime, etc. Perhaps offer to make a personal porno starring you that is specifically geared for him. Afterwards, just give him a kiss and thank him. Remember no pressure.

I think porn is harmful to a marriage. And I understand your being hurt by him watching it. But, I would leave that battle for a time when your relationship is in a much better place. You need to gradually and non-threateningly shift his focus from porn to you. If you can get back to a healthy relationship and sex life, hopefully your husband will be much less interested in porn. If not, you can try to offer yourself as a willing substitute in asking (not threatening or demanding) for him to watch less of it.
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Old 05-22-2011, 02:31 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hurtful- Husband refuses sex with me. Too late to fix?

Here is an update, and I need suggestions as well.

First night he was at work until midnight, I texted him about watching porn together but did not say anything further about sex. He texted me back with "LOL, will see if I still have energy left after work". I guess he interpreted my watching porn invitation as having sex. I texted him back, "let's see how you feel, no pressure". He replied "LOL, lots of pressure". When he came home, after shower it was like 1am I asked him gently if he is still interested he said no. I did what I was suggested above - said fine, we'll do it later. Then kissed him at cheek and went to sleep. Calm and neutral.

Two nights in a row later, he also worked late. I believe he did it intentionally to avoid going to bed the same time with me. Fine- I did not bring up anything about watching porn or sex related again after the first night. We did talk casually about things for like 30 min both nights and went to bed together. Good sign, he is opening to me more. He hugged me whole night, kissed me before left to work in the morning. Things are going smoothly. Thanks for all the advices from previous posts.

Here is my question. Tomorrow is our 8th anniversary and he said he has a place picked out already and it will be a surprise. What I'd like to do is ask him what he would like to get such as new lens for camera, etc. There is a great chance he will ask me in return too what I want.

I kinda want to tease him a little like "Can I have real 10-sec kiss with you?" which I read from Athol's book. But, think again, it might not be a great idea as this is sort of "initiation" and "pressuring".

Do you guys expert have any great teasers/jokes I can play a little? I hope to expedite things a bit but it's ok too if you think I should stay at this pace and wait until he comes around on his own.
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Old 05-23-2011, 07:23 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hurtful- Husband refuses sex with me. Too late to fix?

I just read your post and have some thoughts. First of all, what you did to him was really horrible, but it sounds like you know that. Have you ever fully expressed how sorry you are to him for being so deceptive? I mean, 100% taking responsibility for everything? I am not suprised that he doesn't want to have sex with you after all you have done. He probably is still angry about all the stuff you pulled and it will take a while for him to work it out. And he can really only work it out if 1) you are truly remorseful for what you did and have expressed that without making any excuses 2) can show him consistently that you have made important changes to your controlling ways.

I also think you need individual counseling for yourself because if your issues are so large that you used sex as a weapon for 3 years and tricked your husband into having a baby when he said he didn't want one, you really need intense help that a marriage counselor cannot provide. It also sounds like you are not making much progress with your MC, so I would look for someone new. There are many mediocre therapists and it takes a while to find a good one. Psychologists are a much better option than other types of therapists because they have more extensive training.

You treated your husband in a way that gave him the message that you care nothing for his wants and needs. It will take a long while to fix this. Get some therapy for yourself because this is really your issue and MC is not the place to solve this. Good luck!
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Old 05-23-2011, 07:26 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hurtful- Husband refuses sex with me. Too late to fix?

I would just like to add: you are again controlling the situation through your tactics to get him to sleep with you. You already know what the serious issues are. Show him you care about HIM and HIS needs by getthing therapy so you can address YOUR issues. Stop wasting your time playing games to get him to sleep with you. That is just showing him you are only thinking about YOUR needs yet again.
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Old 05-23-2011, 07:31 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hurtful- Husband refuses sex with me. Too late to fix?

I think that ship has hit the rocks. OP admits to being a control freak, who, when she doesn't get her way, tricks her husband into getting her way. Everything is controlled by what she and she alone wants and needs. I don't think OP wants a husband or a father or a lover. I think she wants staff.
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Old 05-23-2011, 09:15 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hurtful- Husband refuses sex with me. Too late to fix?

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Originally Posted by bonsai View Post
Here is my question. Tomorrow is our 8th anniversary and he said he has a place picked out already and it will be a surprise. What I'd like to do is ask him what he would like to get such as new lens for camera, etc. There is a great chance he will ask me in return too what I want.

I kinda want to tease him a little like "Can I have real 10-sec kiss with you?" which I read from Athol's book. But, think again, it might not be a great idea as this is sort of "initiation" and "pressuring".
I think it will depend. You have said that he is being affectionate. I don't know if a 10-second kiss is pushing his boundaries too much or not. You'll have to gauge that.

One idea to frame your request in relationship terms and not sexual terms is, when he asks what you want, tell him you would like one 10-second kiss from him every day for a month. You can reassure him that it's not about sex. Offer it in a public place so he knows you're not expecting a direct progression to sex. The TSK needs that kind of daily application to be effective anyway. If he balks, so be it. Tell him you'll take 5-second kisses, whatever he's up for.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bonsai View Post
Do you guys expert have any great teasers/jokes I can play a little? I hope to expedite things a bit but it's ok too if you think I should stay at this pace and wait until he comes around on his own.
I think you need to focus on staying the course. Remember, you are playing off his lead. You need to communicate that you are willing and available, but that he is in charge of your sex life for the foreseeable future. If he initiates tonight, and there's a decent chance he will since he's planned a nice evening, then great. Remember the condoms. If it takes him a month or more, then when he does he will feel ready to take that step.

Wear lingerie around the house and to bed not because lingerie might spark his interest in sex. Wear it because that's just what you wear from now on. If it sparks his interest, and it should, then that is a welcome side effect of your being a better wife and better lover (more sexy, less controlling). Remember, this is not about manipulation, this is about changing your personality and relationship and communicating that change to your husband.

Last edited by PHTlump; 05-23-2011 at 09:25 AM.
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Old 05-23-2011, 09:23 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hurtful- Husband refuses sex with me. Too late to fix?

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Originally Posted by Laurae1967 View Post
I would just like to add: you are again controlling the situation through your tactics to get him to sleep with you. You already know what the serious issues are. Show him you care about HIM and HIS needs by getthing therapy so you can address YOUR issues. Stop wasting your time playing games to get him to sleep with you. That is just showing him you are only thinking about YOUR needs yet again.
How can a person control someone else by not controlling them? The OP has asked for help in backing off of her controlling tactics. I agree that individual counseling may help. But a therapy bill isn't going to make the husband feel any better. The OP's actions toward her husband, specifically more loving, demure, and less controlling actions are how she will prove that she has turned a new leaf. She should get therapy only if it helps facilitate that change.

The husband will likely be cynical at first and expect that a game is being played. And he should. But the longer the OP can keep it up, the more likely she will permanently change her marriage and the more likely her husband will accept the change as genuine.
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