Husband wants permission to sleep with other women, says I can sleep with other men
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Husband wants permission to sleep with other women, says I can sleep with other men

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Like Tree28Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 05-22-2011, 06:01 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 3
Default Husband wants permission to sleep with other women, says I can sleep with other men

i got married to my current husband almost 2 years ago and i have given up so much for him. he is my second husband. i moved from the u.s. to europe with him shortly after our marriage but we are planning on moving back to the united states, however to a state neither of us has lived in, this october if things go as planned.

living so far from my country has been hard, however i agreed to move with him because i was, and still am, in love with him. before i married him i knew that his job sometimes required moving around, so i was willing to make this sacrifice. i dont regret it because i've learned and experienced a lot of new things here.

all of this is besides the point, however. as you can see by the title, he has currently proposed a very strange idea. i don't remember when he first brought it up, but it was at least 3 weeks ago.

he told me that he had something to discuss with me and that he had been thinking about this for a while. he said that he believes the key to maintaining a marriage is sexual satisfaction. he told me that our sex life was very good, however all good things get stale. he says it's not stale right now, but that one day we will both get tired of each other.

so he says that we should give each other permission to sleep with other people every once in a while. i was completely shocked and i thought he was joking but then he started setting up a bunch of rules.

he said that first of all, when we were considering having sex with someone else, we should tell each other about it BEFORE we do it. that way neither of us is left in the dark. second of all, having a continuous sexual relationship with one particular person is not allowed. he says that although he is proposing that we open up our sexual lives to other people, we should keep our romantic affections for only each other. he believes that having a continuos sexual relationship with one other person would lead either me or him to develop feelings for that person, which he thinks is bad. thirdly, neither of us can have sex with close friends of ours. fourthly, he can't have sex with women i don't like, and i can't have sex with men he doesn't like.

basically he doesn't think it's natural for people to stay attracted to one person for their entire lives without having to tell themselves that they are or going to counseling. he says that we're all animals and that humans are not naturally monogamous and that it's only natural for people to want to sleep with others at some point. he also doesn't think that sex is always romantic or reserved for love. that sometimes it's simply to feed an appetite. he says as long as we only think of it as the other person pursing natural urges instead of as betrayal, that it won't hurt either of us.

he says that if we did this, it would not be cheating because cheating is only cheating if the other person doesn't know about the relationship and is against it. he says if we give each other permission then we are changing our game rules, so we wouldn't be cheating at the game.

well, i am not happy about this at all. in fact i don't even know what to say as it has come completely out of the blue. he talked to me for a very long time, trying to make me understand his point of view, but i don't think i can handle something like that. i am very territorial when it comes to my men. i do NOT like to share.

i can't help but feel that he is just asking me for permission to have as many affairs as he wants. if i agreed he would never have to worry about hiding his tracks, in fact he would say it to my face.

i am feeling very very paranoid about all this. my first marriage ended after i discovered my husband had been having a long affair behind my back, so this is opening up a lot of wounds and insecurities for me. it bothers me that he would even bring this up because he knows very well about my past. this is making me feel all those old things like that i'm not desirable enough to keep a man for myself. and after moving and making so many sacrifices to make this work, i don't know how to feel.

honestly even though i'm not old, i'm not so so young anymore that i can go out and find myself another man to have a long relationship with and to marry. people also suspect people like me who have been divorced not just once but multiple times. the thought of being alone terrifies me and i don't want to give up so easily. my husband is very good to me and he's very intelligent too. some of the things he says concerning this makes sense to me but the idea is too radical for my what i was brought up to believe, which is that you don't sleep around after you're married. i'm just very confused. i don't know if i should accept what he's saying.

Last edited by floridagirl; 05-22-2011 at 06:06 PM.
floridagirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 05-22-2011, 06:06 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Tourchwood's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Virginia
Posts: 134
Default Re: Husband wants permission to sleep with other women, says I can sleep with other m

have you guys tried swinging or three somes?
may be that would be a deal for both of you?

are you open to it?
this way you know what your husband is doing.
Tourchwood is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 06:43 PM   #3 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,573
Default Re: Husband wants permission to sleep with other women, says I can sleep with other m

Um NO!! Not today not ever. I'm aware there are some men (I actually know a few in real life) out there who want to have their cake and eat it too but it won't be with me. No swinging, no three somes, no other woman, no EA's, nothing but me. And if they have a problem with that then don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Wants "permission to sleep with other women". Most rediculous thing any man could ever say to me.
magnoliagal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 06:56 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 8,678
Default Re: Husband wants permission to sleep with other women, says I can sleep with other m

Heres a perspective you might want to entertian,

Start to go out, even if its to the store or the library, let him believe you have a date.
I would be curious to see his take when you start going out every night for "dates"?

Even better go buy your self something really nice and tell your H your new boyfriend bought it for you.

For sure this will back fire so please take this with a grain of salt.

Your best bet is counseling.
the guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 07:12 PM   #5 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 3
Default Re: Husband wants permission to sleep with other women, says I can sleep with other m

Quote:
Originally Posted by the guy View Post
Heres a perspective you might want to entertian,

Start to go out, even if its to the store or the library, let him believe you have a date.
I would be curious to see his take when you start going out every night for "dates"?

Even better go buy your self something really nice and tell your H your new boyfriend bought it for you.

For sure this will back fire so please take this with a grain of salt.

Your best bet is counseling.
this is not what he wants. i wrote it out in my post that he says a 'continuous relationship with one other person is not allowed.' in other words, i can't have a 'boyfriend' and he can't have a 'girlfriend.' only sex with different people each time.
floridagirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 07:34 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,887
Default Re: Husband wants permission to sleep with other women, says I can sleep with other m

What he wants is to have a woman at home as an assured sex partner cook, maid and emotional support and to love him while he trolls for other women. His little plan is the dream of every male on the planet. . What he wants is male type sex and this will not appeal to you so he is not too worried tyat he will lose his convienient house frau and he is certain you will not want to cheat on him. If you did it probably would not concern him.

He really does not sound like marriage material. Has he cheated in all of his other relationships? He is quite clever, he wants to avoid the expense of divorce and seems to be warning you that he will cheat. What better way to avoid the financial risk of divorce by telling you his plans.

I think he is sure that you love him and are too weak or dependant financially to say no and let him know that when he wants someone else he will not have you. If you can not tell him that, you are in for a rough time. He had this planned, he knew he felt this way but hid it till he had you conered . Sounds like a deceptive user. The fact that you did not react by calling him on knowing this was his agenda before marriage and lying about his commitment to you in marriage. A woman with self respect would would have said she needed to reconsider staying married to a man who wants to cheat. Dont buy his stupid explanation he is insulting your intelligence with that explanation.

You sound as if you will agree to this because you don't want to lose him. Believe me, he will cheat with or without your permission. Think about wheather you want to wait to go through that pain or cut your loses and get out now. Show him you are not the fool he thought you were. You have been dupped don't entertain doing this, you devalue yourself as he has done and your self esteem will nosedive.

Get out now love is not enough he does not love you the way you love him. He finds you useful but that seems to be it. No man who loves and respects his wife wants to share her. That's what he is doing, asking you to pass your self around while he cheats. What an insult!!
Posted via Mobile Device

Last edited by Catherine602; 05-22-2011 at 07:51 PM.
Catherine602 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 07:47 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,887
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by floridagirl View Post
this is not what he wants. i wrote it out in my post that he says a 'continuous relationship with one other person is not allowed.' in other words, i can't have a 'boyfriend' and he can't have a 'girlfriend.' only sex with different people each time.
I can't believe you are actually expelling what he wants like it is normal and you are considering this. Why do you entertain being used ask your self. How is your self esteem- have you had a problem with you self image? Are you fearful that you will not find another man who will cherish you. Have you been emotionally abused at any time in your life or treated badly by men?

If you think that then you will stay with this deceptive loser and it will become a self- fulfilling prophecy. If you value your self you would not be explaining his plan you would have told him what's what. Have some repect and faith in yourself as a woman. In other words Woman Up and stop letting a man define you. Decide your value, draw a line in the sand, inform any man you are involved with and if they cross it knowingly let them feel the consequences. Dont allow this husband of your to degrad you you will deeply regret it.
Posted via Mobile Device
Catherine602 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 07:52 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
pidge70's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Missouri
Posts: 3,415
Default Re: Husband wants permission to sleep with other women, says I can sleep with other m

^I rarely agree with what Catherine says but, this is spot on. I could not have said it as eloquently as she did.
Posted via Mobile Device
pidge70 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 10:48 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
RandomDude's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7,976
Default Re: Husband wants permission to sleep with other women, says I can sleep with other m

@Floridagirl

You have to be very careful with this... I remember bringing this up in the past with old exs and even with my wife. I didn't admit it to myself or to them but the truth is that those who had agreed to it I actually lost respect for.

I looked at them different, like only out of lust, the feelings kinda changed. I no longer saw them as long term material, it's strange. Only my wife refused my offers despite my constant attempts to get her into it - simply because she's been there done that (which kinda pisses me off that I wasn't there where I could witness for myself her full blown bi-sexual self which she always denies)

Just putting it out there. I know some swingers work, but I can't deny how different it feels before and after 'consented infidelity'.
RandomDude is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2011, 11:02 PM   #10 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 14
Default Re: Husband wants permission to sleep with other women, says I can sleep with other m

There are some people who can function perfectly well in an "open marriage." But if your past ex having an EA upset you, I seriously doubt your relationship could survive another similar betrayal. It sounds to me like your husband doesn't really have that much respect for you and you should call him on that. Does he have any idea how he could hurt you (beyond the emotional pain)? He could transmit an STD to you, get another woman pregnant, the list goes on and on.

Unfortunately, you're kind of in between a rock and a hard place now. If you tell him no he's likely going to cheat anyway. He's already got the idea in his head and that's compromised his fidelity to you. If you tell him yes there is no coming back from that decision. You destroy all trust in the relationship.

I'd suggest therapy if he's willing. He needs to be told by a professional that cheating is cheating no matter how pretty you dress it up. If that doesn't work then who knows.

Of course, the advice you get on this forum is going to be tainted by what each poster views as a "normal" relationship, but just ask yourself: when you married him did you think that was a commitment from him that he would be yours and only yours from then on? If you did, then that should answer your question.
ladypomegranate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-23-2011, 12:59 AM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Entropy3000's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In Love
Posts: 9,666
Default Re: Husband wants permission to sleep with other women, says I can sleep with other m

Here is a tainted view. It sounds like you are considering this because you don't think you have options. Do this if you want to do it but for no other reason. If this is not what you want in a marriage, I don't care if you have been married ten times. Bail out before it messes you up completely.

Your choice. Don't be coercered into this if it is not what you want.
Entropy3000 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-23-2011, 11:39 AM   #12 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 798
Default Re: Husband wants permission to sleep with other women, says I can sleep with other m

Hell to the no!

This only works when both people want it. You don't want it so it should be off the table. Trusting your husband after this proposition will be hard.

Don't ever stay with someone because you feel like you have no options. Your partner should not BE your life. Your partner complements your life. You can find love at any age. Living with someone who doesn't want the same things as you do will be a bummer in the long run.
Laurae1967 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-23-2011, 12:30 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Enchantment's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,351
Default Re: Husband wants permission to sleep with other women, says I can sleep with other m

Why even bother being married then?
__________________
Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith
Enchantment is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-23-2011, 12:47 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
Runs like Dog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Redneckistan
Posts: 7,254
Default Re: Husband wants permission to sleep with other women, says I can sleep with other m

I'm getting over the flu. Why would I want it to hurt when I pee, too?
Runs like Dog is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-23-2011, 03:24 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 2,608
Default Re: Husband wants permission to sleep with other women, says I can sleep with other m

This is such a bad idea on so many levels, it's hard to even write a response.

What quality of female would want to be on the receiving end of your husband's sexual favors, with no relationship, no dates, and no interaction. Either a prostitute and/or someone who will mess up your life, or SURPRISE "we got carried away and we are actually in love now".

I would come down hard and tell him no deal, you will not consider it, you will not discuss it, you will be extremely upset if he ever cheats on you, and he has to decide if he's in or out of the marriage with you.
Hicks is online now   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My husband wanted me to sleep with another guy lynnie General Relationship Discussion 53 07-30-2013 10:03 AM
Snoring Husband; NEED SLEEP Gwyeneth General Relationship Discussion 17 01-18-2012 07:11 AM
Husband wants me to sleep with a stranger. Please help! gg27030 Sex in Marriage 25 10-23-2011 10:24 AM
Would you sleep in a separate bed to get a good night's sleep? Alexandra General Relationship Discussion 14 01-26-2010 03:23 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:06 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage