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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 05-25-2011, 05:48 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ice Queen

It would be extremely hard for me to be excited about having sex if I knew the guy I was with was using me for my womb.

Try showing a little love and compassion. You might be surprised what she comes back with. It's hard to make a judgment via an online post, but you come across somewhat...sociopathic? To me it's like there is no emotion at all in your post. Hopefully this isn't the case and you have some degree of love/respect for her....
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Old 05-25-2011, 05:57 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Have you asked her point blank why she argree and then stops? Apparently according to some of the advice from the men in the mens club you may not be following through in the correct way. You have to make a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. Why would she believe that sex is not mutual? Before you talk to her again, get some advice from some of the men in the mens club. MEM is good and Big bad wolf and Conrad they have slightly different approaches but simular message

You have to adjust the advice to suit you personality and your wifes as well. What is her love language and yours? How about the quality of your relationship out side of the bedroom. Do you have shared hobbies and activities.

first things first, you have to be certain that you are being honest about the relationship. Your post sounds kind of one sided. It may be that you are not including all of the story. You seem to have a list of expectations but i dont get tge sense of you wife as an individual and how you feel about her emotionally. Your description of her is almost totally unflattering. What did you find emotionally alluring that made you want to be in a relationship with her?

It is obvious she is overweight by twenty pounds and you feel stuck with her and she is not responsive sexually and she is a disappointment. She probably senses what you think and may not feel loved and cherished. . Does that ring true? Have you made the mistake of being self- focused in the relationship? How are you emotionally, ate you warm or cold? Do you ever move over and hug her during the night?

Look at the pattern of this relationship and the pattern of other long term relationships? Are tgere any comonalities? Think of what she might say if she were to freely communicate about the relationship. Try to put your self in her shoes and see if you may be doing something that may be turning her off.

I am not blaming this situation on you. There is definately a problem and you laid out what the problems are from you view point I wondered what they are from her view point. At any rate what you are doing is not working time to change up. But you need to carefully consider how to go about it.

How about your manner of dress and hair style are you maintaining grooming and appearance as well as possible. Are you at all myterious or always at her beck and call? First consider the quality of the relationship and how you negotiate conflict. Was she ever passionate? Does she still work and does she plan on working after the baby is born. Is you financial condition way above her's and was she very pretty when you first got involved with her? You mentioned her weight, that is a weigh issue. Somehow your attitude about weight may be having an effect.

I may be wrong but I thought if a man was sexually turned on that he automatically got hard and needed no help. If i had to work at getting my husband hard i eould feel that he did not find me attactive sexually. Just a thought. Do you think she finds the necessity to work at making you hard a blow to her self- esteem.
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Old 05-25-2011, 06:31 PM   #18 (permalink)
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thanks for the thoughtful reply. i reduce situations to absurdity because i like to cut to the heart of the matter.

we have a great relationship outside of this - she has great supportive friends that are all happily married.

i am not her first, as best i can tell i am the 7th or 8th. i've never asked because its simply not important to me - other than making sure she is not a hooker.

the title of this post "ice queen" is what she told me her husband called her. i think she is quite aware of what she is doing.

i am very fit, make good money, stable job, handsome, and i am looking for a long term commitment. i believe i am in high demand, and i know i could find someone who has it "all" but i don't want that, i want her to come around.

the weight issue - she used to start stories with the prefix "when i was young and hot". i asked her to stop doing that because it made me feel that she spent her youth and beauty on others, while i get the leftovers. before she started using this prefix for some stories, i was perfectly content that she was not perfect. now i want the young and hot version.

as for loved and cherished - i send a few love letters, made a homemade animated valentine, send dirty texts, flirt, etc. i dont think that this is an issue as she has mentioned how thoughtful i am

i think she's lazy and thinks she has hooked me so no further work is required than the absolute minimum.
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Old 05-25-2011, 06:41 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Why would she believe that sex is not mutual?

i asked this very question - she said that alot of guys only care about pleasing the woman. i looked her in the eye and said bullsh!t

i brought this up in the context of " i learned how to give you a rocking orgasm, why would you not learn what turns me on?"
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Old 05-25-2011, 06:43 PM   #20 (permalink)
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thanks for the thoughtful reply. i reduce situations to absurdity because i like to cut to the heart of the matter.

we have a great relationship outside of this - she has great supportive friends that are all happily married.

i am not her first, as best i can tell i am the 7th or 8th. i've never asked because its simply not important to me - other than making sure she is not a hooker.

the title of this post "ice queen" is what she told me her husband called her. i think she is quite aware of what she is doing.

i am very fit, make good money, stable job, handsome, and i am looking for a long term commitment. i believe i am in high demand, and i know i could find someone who has it "all" but i don't want that, i want her to come around.

the weight issue - she used to start stories with the prefix "when i was young and hot". i asked her to stop doing that because it made me feel that she spent her youth and beauty on others, while i get the leftovers. before she started using this prefix for some stories, i was perfectly content that she was not perfect. now i want the young and hot version.

as for loved and cherished - i send a few love letters, made a homemade animated valentine, send dirty texts, flirt, etc. i dont think that this is an issue as she has mentioned how thoughtful i am

i think she's lazy and thinks she has hooked me so no further work is required than the absolute minimum.
She is 31. Hardly old enough to be planning her funeral. You get the leftovers? I wouldn't want to screw somebody who viewed me as fat, ugly, old, entitled, lazy and leftovers.
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Old 05-25-2011, 06:45 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Does she still work and does she plan on working after the baby is born.

she was planning on not working after the baby was born. after this issue came up, i asked her to keep working after maternity leave. i really felt that she was using me and not returning my affection. she agreed to keep working.

i make more than enough to support this family.
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Old 05-25-2011, 06:49 PM   #22 (permalink)
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She is 31. Hardly old enough to be planning her funeral. You get the leftovers? I wouldn't want to screw somebody who viewed me as fat, ugly, old, entitled, lazy and leftovers.
i said that's how it made me feel, not what i actually think. how would you like it if your overweight balding husband told you about his time in college when he was buff with a thick head of hair. would that increase or decrease your attraction to him?

btw i am not insinuating your husband is either fat or bald, just using is as an example.
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Old 05-25-2011, 06:58 PM   #23 (permalink)
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i said that's how it made me feel, not what i actually think. how would you like it if your overweight balding husband told you about his time in college when he was buff with a thick head of hair. would that increase or decrease your attraction to him?

btw i am not insinuating your husband is either fat or bald, just using is as an example.
But see, it's what you choose to do with that that matters. You could look at her and wish for something else, or you could see her for the person you fell in love with. I know that sounds Polyanna like, trust me. The way you paint her, it sounds like you view her as a throw away and that is not sexy at all. She is also pregnant with your child, a child you wrote you sought out to get. So why not view her in a positive light and those vibes will surely be noticed by her.
BTW....I never suggested that anybody should put up with no sex/bad sex. Your post did come across like you wanted her parts more than her. If she feels that, she will shut down. Wouldn't you?
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Old 05-25-2011, 08:18 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Pilot my impression is that she has no idea how unhappy you are and that the relationship is in trouble. . I think you must put this to her, it is only fair right. Give her the chance to work on things. I would say it in terms of the type of relationship that you would like to have with her. Think carefully about what you say and what the consequences will be. Then let go and let her decide.

Along with that, ask her what she is looking for in this relationship. Your declaration of what would make you happy and the same for her can be looked upon as a road map. it must be fairly detailed but loose enough to accept some flexibility and changes. I think you want to have maybe the 4 or 5 top things most important to you and the same for her.

I am not sure the best way but it must be said. Perhaps a 3 Rd party is needed therapist? Before the relationship goes disintegrates you have to be aggressive. If there were no child it would be simple but this complicated things.

This is so difficult- sometimes if people feel that they have you conered they may not try hard - it depends on the person. Not being cornered means that there must be consequences. I don't know what they should be but it would be sad if Mom and Dad were not strong and happy.

You are working hard for that but you must pull out all the stops and hit this hard now before a hard pattern emerges. I hope you will be able to improve your families happiness you seem motivated and I hope you are rewarded with sucess.
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Old 05-25-2011, 08:23 PM   #25 (permalink)
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About her answer re sex - did you leave it at just saying bull?? This deserves much more discussion and action but again don't say anything till you get some advice from the men in the club house. You don't want to sound whiny or weak.

I just wanted to respond to the high demand thing. I think you are exactly right but you are in high demand. But how many of these women are looking for a mutually caring and loving relationship? Being in high demand is sometimes a disadvantage if you don't learn how to value the one you are with becaus you think you can do better.

It helps to stay grounded and keep in mind that you will end up with repeated problems if you get a fat head and dangle that in front of the one you are with. Makes it easy to not care or be invested emotionally in you and to get as much as possible knowing that you have one eye out the door. Just saying.

I know of what I speak - I attract male attention easily but I know that none of the men who are so easy to attrack hold a candle to the man I lucked out having. I don't feel flattered or inclined to leave because I think I could find someone else easily. I could but i would have a harder time than most women finding someone who regards me as more than a useful object for an ego bost and not a person. .
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Old 05-26-2011, 07:41 AM   #26 (permalink)
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But see, it's what you choose to do with that that matters. You could look at her and wish for something else, or you could see her for the person you fell in love with. I know that sounds Polyanna like, trust me. The way you paint her, it sounds like you view her as a throw away and that is not sexy at all. She is also pregnant with your child, a child you wrote you sought out to get. So why not view her in a positive light and those vibes will surely be noticed by her.
BTW....I never suggested that anybody should put up with no sex/bad sex. Your post did come across like you wanted her parts more than her. If she feels that, she will shut down. Wouldn't you?
First, don't get my writing style confused with how i conduct my business. I write short and to the point.

Yes, I would and do shut down when i think she is using me.

IF she won't bother to learn what turns me on, then she doesn't respect me. If she doesn't respect me why is she in a realtionship with me? Answer: security - I'm the best around at the time.

That is how I feel when she rolls over and goes to sleep after 4 days without sex - even after I have mentioned several times in passing, not in an arguement, that it is very difficult for a man to go 3 days without release - hint hint honey!
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Old 05-26-2011, 08:01 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Pilot my impression is that she has no idea how unhappy you are and that the relationship is in trouble. . I think you must put this to her, it is only fair right. Give her the chance to work on things. I would say it in terms of the type of relationship that you would like to have with her. Think carefully about what you say and what the consequences will be. Then let go and let her decide.

Along with that, ask her what she is looking for in this relationship. Your declaration of what would make you happy and the same for her can be looked upon as a road map. it must be fairly detailed but loose enough to accept some flexibility and changes. I think you want to have maybe the 4 or 5 top things most important to you and the same for her.

I am not sure the best way but it must be said. Perhaps a 3 Rd party is needed therapist? Before the relationship goes disintegrates you have to be aggressive. If there were no child it would be simple but this complicated things.

This is so difficult- sometimes if people feel that they have you conered they may not try hard - it depends on the person. Not being cornered means that there must be consequences. I don't know what they should be but it would be sad if Mom and Dad were not strong and happy.

You are working hard for that but you must pull out all the stops and hit this hard now before a hard pattern emerges. I hope you will be able to improve your families happiness you seem motivated and I hope you are rewarded with sucess.
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Nice.

I actually don't think she knows how severely this affects me.

I've never grovelled or begged for sex, and she has never refused me.

I have made clear my needs and my most basic desires, yet she ignores them.

The first time this came up she fell asleep on me at 9p after using her vibrator earlier that day - i was super horny. I woke her up and told her that i really dont care about the vibrator, but if the vibrator was getting some p***y, so was I. She did give me sex, but it was unsatisfying to me - knowing she was taking one for the team.

The second time this came up, I left the house at 10p and returned the next night. Again making it clear without using words that I will get what I want - with or without her.

Right now is the third time lack of sex/affection is affecting me, and that is why I am here - asking advice.

I haven't cheated because that's not my style - or didn't used to be. I have been actively flirting with other women and would probably cheat if given the chance. I don't like that about myself but I know what I need and I am not getting it.
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Old 05-26-2011, 08:04 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Answer: security - I'm the best around at the time.

That is how I feel when she rolls over and goes to sleep after 4 days without sex - even after I have mentioned several times in passing, not in an arguement, that it is very difficult for a man to go 3 days without release - hint hint honey!
Could this be the problem. Would a woman want to have sex to releive a man? She might think that you can take care of your release and come to her when you want an emotional connection and shared love. Just sound so dry - like she is expected to provide a service for you.

Get you stimulated and relieve you when you need. Just I thought. My sense, from the little you have written, is that sex sounds unappealing. It seems to be something you expect for you and not for you and your partner. I am not saying this is true just what it sounds like. If this is what she sees then she may feel the same way.

Anyway I think you are saying it wrong. I am certain men will think why should they have to be careful about how they talk about sex with their partner. Because women can easily feel used for sex if it s presented as an act for male release - looking for a warm hole. Not saying this is you but just a thought.
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Old 05-26-2011, 08:12 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Just yesterday as we were talking, she told me her maxim of keeping my belly full and my balls drained ,lol. I told her to skip the cleaning and cooking and just make sure the latter is taken care of - we had a good laugh.

She KNOWS what I need. It has been made clear time and time again.
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Old 05-26-2011, 08:17 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Could this be the problem. Would a woman want to have sex to releive a man? She might think that you can take care of your release and come to her when you want an emotional connection and shared love. Just sound so dry - like she is expected to provide a service for you.

Get you stimulated and relieve you when you need. Just I thought. My sense, from the little you have written, is that sex sounds unappealing. It seems to be something you expect for you and not for you and your partner. I am not saying this is true just what it sounds like. If this is what she sees then she may feel the same way.

Anyway I think you are saying it wrong. I am certain men will think why should they have to be careful about how they talk about sex with their partner. Because women can easily feel used for sex if it s presented as an act for male release - looking for a warm hole. Not saying this is you but just a thought.
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Fair enough - but i can say without a doubt that if she told me of a simple act that could make her happy and secure I would do it for her without hesitation. Is that not a great reason to be in a relationship? Mutual satifaction and knowing what it takes to make the other feel respected and loved?

She loves our sex. As mentioned before I don't use her as a cum dumpster - I am very attentive to her body and always let her orgasm first.
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