My wife wants it, I don't
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 05-28-2011, 08:15 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My wife wants it, I don't

Thanks in advance for any suggestions or advice... I know this is a bit of a novel.

My wife and I are each other's best friends. Been married 6 years. No kids. Lot of time to relax and be with each other. We have sex probably 1-2 a week, usually just on the weekends. We love each other's company. We are always together.

In 6 years, I've initiated sex probably 10 times total, not counting Valentines, anniversaries, etc... when I feel obligated to do it.

She has complained about the lack of touch and affection for years. I do touch her, hold hands, rub her back, feet. But she is lacking sexual intimacy. I feel satisfied, but I wish I was attracted to her more.

She thinks she is normal and I'm the one with problems. I see it the other way around.

She was a victim of abuse when she was little and I feel there are two common results of that. Either the victim has trust issues, can't be with guys, or they become overly sexual themselves and I believe my wife is the latter.

She tells me how lucky I am to be married to a woman that wants it like she does.

My problem is I'm simply not very sexually aroused by her. I love her dearly, but in almost more of a friendship way. She weighs almost 300 pounds and has gained 100 since we were dating, and I'd be lying if I said that didn't affect my desire for her sexually.

I had an emotional affair 3 months ago, but I told her about it and it is long over. I have a huge regret for that. She reconnected with an ex-boyfriend and hid things from me, but I discovered some sexual texts between them, including her saying she was thinking of him while having sex with me, to make it hot. I talked with her about it and she feels really bad, but said it was just nice to feel desired and sexy and alive.

We are doing a separation for now, but I'm almost to the point I simply want a divorce.

I feel if she wasn't so aggressive sexually, that I would actually be more in the mood for it. And I've told her that.

She's tried for years to lose weight, but I don't think it's in the cards. She's seen doctors, but a lot of it is hereditary and a lot of it is depression. We both have depression. She is taking medication for it.

Is it really okay to divorce your best friend and best thing that ever happened to you simply because of not on the same page sexually? She wants to leave, but has told me she'll know she'll regret it in a few years. The sex drive will diminish in her and she's worried she won't find someone like me.

As i think about it, she deserves to be with a man who treats her as well as I think I do, but also is going to desire her sexually.

And I want to be attracted to my wife.

That's the main issue. But we have all the little ones too, finances, religion, family, views on child rearing. I have wanted kids since we have been married. She doesn't. I no longer see myself having kids with her. Not sure she could even get pregnant.


I'm totally lost and confused. My head says it is a divorce. My heart is having a really hard time accepting that. I love her so much and will never stop and I'm not sure I could ever really love someone else the way I love her.
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Old 05-28-2011, 08:19 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife wants it, I don't

Obligated to have sex?
Does not compute.
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Old 05-28-2011, 08:23 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife wants it, I don't

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Originally Posted by ClipClop View Post
Obligated to have sex?
Does not compute.
She's gained 100 pounds since getting married. I'm guessing that would kill quite a few men's desire. That's a lot of weight.
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Old 05-28-2011, 08:29 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife wants it, I don't

Were you ever sexually attracted to your wife, like when you were dating? Were you attracted to her before she gained weight?

If you have never been attracted to your wife, then I think you should divorce. She deserves to be with someone who desires her. She may have gained the weight because she felt like you did NOT desire her, and ate more for emotional reasons.

The other big problem is that you want children and she does not. You both deserve to have what you want in a relationship. She does not want kids, maybe because of her sexual abuse, and that is totally understandable. And you want kids and deserve to have them.

You have a strong friendship but no passion and no shared vision for the future (kids/no kids). It is hard to make a marriage work without those things.
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Old 05-28-2011, 08:45 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife wants it, I don't

Thanks for the replies. It's hard to explain. My wife is beautiful. She really is. I think she'd rock it as a plus size model. And I never had sex before we got married, so I didn't really know what to expect or understand my body.

But regarding sex, I feel I'm satisfied having it once or twice a week. It's simply not enough for her.

I'm definitely more attracted to her at a lower weight. The pics of her in earlier years, she looks great.

I shouldn't say she never wants children, just not right now. She doesn't feel ready. Which I can respect. I work 45 hours a week and she works 40 hours a month, so having a child would obviously affect her life much more than mine simply because of the hours.

I'm still really hurt about what she was doing with her ex-boyfriend. We agreed on a separation last week and 5 days later I come home for lunch and he is in our house. My wife has a massage table and was giving him a back rub.

I feel I deserve to be treated better. I don't feel appreciated. I work so hard for her and give her everything I can but it doesn't seem to be enough for her.

She says she's bored.

I am a bit of a square.

Our personalities couldn't be more different, but that's kind of why we're so good together. We complement each other well.

I don't know. I think I need some time to distance myself from these raw feelings of catching her doing things with her ex.

I feel like I deserve more though.
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Old 05-28-2011, 08:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife wants it, I don't

While I am sympathetic to the weight issue, I am actually more sympathetic to your wife.

It's not uncommon for many people, male or female, when they are not getting the pleasure of sex to escape to the pleasure of food. Heck, even Family Guy did a parody of that when Peter got a vasectomy, lost interest and his wife gained a 100 pounds.

Being on her side of the equation, I went through a period of weight gain partially b/c of lack of sex.

I can't exactly fault her - you have frustrated her to the point of beligerence. . .where she is doing some other guy in your home.

Nope, sorry to say. . .you are getting exactly what you deserve.

What goes around comes around. . .and it's comin' around. . .
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Old 05-28-2011, 09:05 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife wants it, I don't

You both have been emotionally unfaithful and that has to stop if either one of you wants to work things out. if you both agreed to a separation, what does that separation mean? Did you agree that you could date other people? What was the purpose of the separation?

Are you sure your wife wants more sex, or just wants you to pursue her more? She probably feels your lack of desire for her and this hurts her.

Has she gotten therapy to deal with the trauma of being sexually abused? This is likely impacting her life in numerous ways and if she's quite overweight, she is probably eating to cope with negative feelings. Therapy could help her with this.

You do deserve to be with someone who is faithful, but so does your wife. It sounds like she is looking for validation from you that you are not willing or able to give to her. It is also possible that she is looking to you for ALL of her validation, when in reality we all must give ourselves most of the validation we want in life. If she is looking for you to meet all her emotional needs, she has to realize that no person can fill the void except for herself. This may sound esoteric, but it's true. She has to love herself first before she can be successful in a relationship. That might be difficult if she has not healed from her sexual abuse.

Separation is usually not a good idea if you want to stay together. Figure out what you want, talk to your wife and take it from there. I would highly recommend marriage therapy.
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Old 05-28-2011, 09:06 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife wants it, I don't

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scannerguard View Post
While I am sympathetic to the weight issue, I am actually more sympathetic to your wife.

It's not uncommon for many people, male or female, when they are not getting the pleasure of sex to escape to the pleasure of food. Heck, even Family Guy did a parody of that when Peter got a vasectomy, lost interest and his wife gained a 100 pounds.

Being on her side of the equation, I went through a period of weight gain partially b/c of lack of sex.

I can't exactly fault her - you have frustrated her to the point of beligerence. . .where she is doing some other guy in your home.

Nope, sorry to say. . .you are getting exactly what you deserve.

What goes around comes around. . .and it's comin' around. . .
Nobody deserves to come home on a lunch break to see their wife giving another man a massage...
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Old 05-28-2011, 09:09 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife wants it, I don't

BTW, any other men out there who are like this. . .I am giving you a free warning. . .

I'm your worst nightmare.

I am a ladies man, meaning not so much I am a cheat but I can usually find something or anything beautiful about women. Add to that, this dysfunctional "Oh, baby, let me make you feel beautiful where your husband didn't". . .well, you get the picture.

Guys out there. . .take care of business or someone else will take care of it for you.

It's your job, obligation, duty and pleasure to be the sexual initiator 50-80% of the time.

Carry on with the psychobabble. . .I tend to talk to men more like a sweatshirt wearing coach than a brown suit wearing, liberal, coffee drinking psychotherapist.
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Old 05-28-2011, 09:21 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife wants it, I don't

Thanks for the replies and taking the time...

She has been in counseling on and off for years regarding the sexual abuse.

We've been in marriage counseling for 8 months. The piece you said about her looking for me for all her emotional needs is exactly what the therapist has been telling her for months. She should be able to get that from herself. Not depend on me solely for that.

I know it's a vicious cycle where she doesn't feel she is getting enough intimacy, validation and support by me which causes her to eat more and seek to get it from an ex... She has serious self esteem issues, and doesn't do well on her own.

I want this separation so we can both stand on our own two feet. I want to know what I want. I want her to know what she wants. But I'm also afraid I'm setting her up for failure. I don't think she's ready to live on her own, pay bills etc. I've coddled her for too long. I'm also worried the temptation to be with other guys will make it to where we have no shot.

In essence, the separation is almost a guaranteed divorce.

Sigh.

Which inside is what I truly want. But I also know I'm terrified myself of facing life alone and having to be social and actually start dating again. We've grown completely dependent on each other.
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Old 05-28-2011, 09:24 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife wants it, I don't

Scannerguard... if you have problems with psychobabble, and are such a ladies man, what are you doing on a marriage counseling board on a Saturday night?
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Old 05-28-2011, 09:39 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife wants it, I don't

Get her on the pole, best weight loss exercise equipment ever invented. It'll also tone her up nicely. Make sure she gets classes first though otherwise... well... this may happen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSneE...eature=related

Heh, ne ways that's how the missus lost her weight a while after preggie.
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Old 05-28-2011, 09:55 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife wants it, I don't

Thank you sir. She'd totally be into that. That's right up her alley.
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