MarriedWifeInLove

True, but all you can do is change your attitude.

His belongs to him.

It took me a long time (I'm stubborn and hard-headed), but I finally realized that the real change I was seeking was inside of me - not him.

Once I really, truly realized this - things have changed. I am much happier, more at peace and in a much better frame of mind to deal with my resentment, disappointment and frustration.

In turn, he has become more at peace and happier.

Have our issues/problems disappeared - hell no they haven't. But they seem a lot less insurmountable and just - easier.

And I stress and think about them less.

I wish I had really embraced this sooner - we wouldn't have gotten to the point we did if I had.

__________________
"Don't Find Fault - Find A Remedy" Henry Ford

AFEH

In long term marriages partners hurt one another. Those that don’t forgive hold onto their hurts and resentment builds. Day by day these resentful play back their hurts in their mind recreating the same emotions as when a hurt first occurred.

Passive people get their own back and actually plot their revenge, which may come five or thirty years after the event which caused them pain. You might want to research "passive aggression" Passive-aggressive behavior: How can I recognize it? - MayoClinic.com. Mind you since I found out about it I have it on the brain.

Bob

Rough Patch Sewing

Passive Aggression seems like it may be a factor. This truly is a complicated thing that needs more attention from the counseling community.

Grudges and unforgiven issues can become the scissors that rip people apart. I wonder if therapy or medication for passive aggressive behavior could help.

I am interested in finding out more, tomorrow will be a better opportunity to do so.

__________________
Want to discover how to build relationship trust with your wife, and romance your wife back into your arms?
7 Marriage Saving Husband Habits ,
3 secrets to an intimate marriage, 5 ways to keep her attracted to you

mindeater

Not exactly on topic, but it is a factor for us, albiet a symptom of deep hurt from stupid mistakes I've made over the last 2 years turning down further children without a real reason, (we have one 4 year old daughter), and not providing for her out of nothing more than selfishness.

After rejecting her request for a new car, then a 2nd child she felt I was not providing anything for her and our marriage so gave up wanting to stop the hurt.

We split for 6 months, and tried to get back together, but my understanding of her levels of hurt were off track, and my pressuring to get things going too soon caused us to lapse again.

I love her deeply, and I'm ashamed of what's gone before, simply saying that doesn't make up for a lot at this stage.

With sex completely out of the question, as some have mentioned, the thought of it stresses her out so much, I wonder if there is any way back for us.

We have a first marriage counselling session with Relate this evening, not sure what to expect, worried that she will say she no longer wants to be part of our marriage, using the counselling to ease the break up.

Does anyone have any experience with Relate when things have gone this far?

annagarret

Unfortunately, I did do this to my DH the first 5-7 yrs. of marriage. I thought he would "get it". Praise God I unlearned that tactic, it is a marriage killer. I read a lot of books about men and realized he wants and needs sex to survive. I NEVER withhold it now. Whatever and whenever he wants it-he gets it.

morituri

You are a WISE woman and your husband is one lucky bastard

Rough Patch Sewing

I recently told my sister in law, who is a busy professional one piece of advice about the type of man she should look for when she is ready.

I said to her, "You do not need to find a man who meets your expectations of the kind of guy that you want to marry." I went on to beg the question, "Do you know the one quality that the guy you will want to marry should have?" She says, "No." I quickly answer, "Find a man who is willing". She says, "What do you mean?" I say, "the man that you will be happy with and with whom you can have a strong marriage is a man who is willing to..., now you fill in the blank. He should be a reasonable man who is willing to learn and grow. He doesn't need to be the perfect guy, because that guy does not exist. He needs to be willing to do what it takes to make the marriage work and learn and grow as part of that".

This applies to both men and women and definitely applies to sex in marriage and forgiveness.

I wanted to add this to annagarret's previous post

"Unfortunately, I did do this to my DH the first 5-7 yrs. of marriage. I thought he would "get it". Praise God I unlearned that tactic, it is a marriage killer. I read a lot of books about men and realized he wants and needs sex to survive. I NEVER withhold it now. Whatever and whenever he wants it-he gets it"

That's willingness to make the marriage work as long as doing so does not breed resentment but rather an intimate marriage.

annagarret, does your willingness help you to want it once your husband has expressed the desire to have sex with you?
Enquirer-ing minds want to know!

__________________
Want to discover how to build relationship trust with your wife, and romance your wife back into your arms?
7 Marriage Saving Husband Habits ,
3 secrets to an intimate marriage, 5 ways to keep her attracted to you

socal04

yea where did u read that?

annagarret

Yes, it does. I really didn't want out marriage to keep going in circles like that, him mad at me, me mad at him. Change starts with one person. I thought I would read and learn about what makes a man and marriage happy. It worked. Since that time he has fallen deeper and deeper in love with me and our family, completely trusts me, and would do anything to make me happy. I t's funny I thought I was doing something to make him happy, but we both ended up fullfilling each others needs. I couldn't be happier, he is a great guy. Sometimes it takes one spouse to make the first move toward change. It worked for us !

annagarret

I read "The gift of sex" by Clifford and Joyce Penner, "A celebration of sex" by Dr. Couglas E Rosenau, "What makes a man feel loved:Understanding what your husband really wants" by Bob Barnes, "Every mans Battle" by Stephen Arterburn (which is really a book for men on how to handle unhealthy lustful desires and porn addiction) and "Sheet Music" by Dr. Kevin Leman

miss-understood

Hi Reuben!

I quoted two sections of one of your posts. I like the way you phrased that first quote! That really sums it up!

I have a question about the second quote - I don't understand the difference between saying "no" (genuinely just not up for it - or a wife being on her cycle, or whatever), versus "refusing" a husband.

You said that neither has the right to refuse each other. But surely this doesn't mean that a wife doesn't have the right to say "no" when she really doesn't remotely want to do it, or if it's a really a bad time or would be distressing for her, or highly unpleasant???

And not being in the mood is not the same as using sex "as a weapon", right? (Even though... the rejection may "hurt" a bit at times - but conversely, allowing something to be done to us that would be distressing would also "hurt", in a different way).

Thoughts?

Syrum

I think that even though we may have had a bad day, we must still make an effort with our partners. If a husband despite what is happening tries to treat his wife with genuine affection and love and tries very hard to meet her emotional need in spite of work stress, tiredness, children, disagreements etc, then the wife should also try and make an effort sexually.

If a husband loves his wife, he would not try and make a women who is really unwell have sex or anything like that. However both people must not let the daily grind, general tiredness and other every day things get in the way of their intimate and physical relationship.

Also if your husband is not turning you on, have you thought long and hard about what does turn you on and asked him to do those things?

If you ask him and he refuses or makes a half assed attempt, then he can't blame you for not being in the mood.

I myself have a high sex drive, however I do need for my partner to help maintain my attraction to him. It really turns me on when he is dominate, uses dirty talk, also it is very important that he gives me lots of non sexual and some sexual contact throughout the day, so that I feel close to him and it warms me up. I like it when he tells me how sexy he thinks I am and notices something specific, like my eyes or my hair...

Well you get the picture, but I in turn have to be willing to put aside any thing he may have done that day that I didn't like and not be resentful, and be open to being turned on and having sex.

I do want a faithful husband and as I am the only one that can give him sex, then I do think I should.

Plus it makes men a lot happier when you take care of their needs.

Ishtar

I have never withheld, simply because I am unable too. Even if I had more restraint, I would refrain from withholding for the sake of my relationship. While sex is but one facet of marriage, marriage is fundamentally a sexual union. To purposefully withhold sex breaks the marital contract. Avoiding what is essentially a reaffirmation of your union in which you get to meet the needs of your partner and hopefully have pleasure yourself is beyond foolish. As always, there are exceptions such as when someone is ill, being cheated on, or in an abusive relationship, but in general withholding is one of the most petty and manipulative things someone can do. The sad thing is that from my personal experience many women (and I am sure some men) do withhold; their poor spouses!