Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I really need some help. I have been married for 10 months and aside from one attempt on our honeymoon my husband and I have not had sex. My husband grew up in a catholic family and it was pounded into his head that sex is bad and I think he's having a hard time making that mental shift away from that idea. We waited to have sex before marriage and he has never been with any girl besides me (in any physical way aside from kissing). He says that it's not for lack of wanting to, but the idea of sex makes him extremely nervous and he gets a lot of anxiety - so much so that once our times of intimacy move close to actually having sex he gets scared and can't go any farther. The whole thing has really shut down our sex life except for maybe once every couple weeks, including most other forms of intimacy. I think he's really shying away from it completely. I feel like I can't even hardly get him in the mood anymore, and that I'm walking on egg shells if I even attempt to get him there.
We have talked about this so much, and he knows exactly how I feel. I am very loving and supportive of him and I try very hard not to make him feel bad about the whole thing but I really can't take this anymore. I've been married for almost a year and would like to finally have that newlywed sex that I hear is supposed to be so great. If I could just get him over the hurdle of actually going through with it the first time I think we'll be fine... but I don't know how to get him there. Please someone help. I love my husband so much, but I want this to stop effecting our marriage. I hate how I feel when other people talk about sex, knowing that this is happening between us. Help.
So, it sounds like this is a great psychological issue for your husband. Let me ask you this - are you generally affectionate with each other every day? Do you hold hands, kiss, caress? Do you make out with each other? Are you able to touch him intimately - with your hands, with your mouth? If not, would you be willing to do that for him?
Is he still devout? Would he be willing to talk about this with someone at his church, who could re-affirm to him about the very important role that sex and intimacy have in a marriage?
Enchantment - Thanks for replying. Yes we are very affectionate and I would say that our marriage is 100% perfect except for this (very big) issue. We hold hands, cuddle, kiss, all of that. He touches me most times that we're intimate but he doesn't really like me touching him. Well, let me rephrase that. He likes it if he already has an erection but does not like me touching him at all if he doesn't (and maybe that's normal I don't really know). I've never given him an orgasm when I do give him a hand job but I don't know if that's because of me or because we don't do it long enough or whatever (I'm new at this stuff too). I feel like his attitude toward me touching him is take it or leave it (which kind of wears on my self esteem, I'm sure you can imagine). He is really turned off by the idea of oral sex, mostly him doing it for me but he's not interested in me doing it for him (I've offered a lot). He grew up a very prude little boy and I honestly don't think he has a huge sex drive as it is. Before we were married though we couldn't hardly keep from not having sex but once sex was expected he hasn't been able to do it. Let me be clear though that we haven't really attempted penetration at all since our honeymoon. So, when I say he isn't able to do it I mean that he never lets it get to that point (and usually there's some reason, like he has to go to the bathroom or something and then get's up and leaves).
He's not part of the catholic church anymore. The thing is is that as an idea he knows that sex is important and that it's not bad and all that. I don't think he needs to be re-affirmed because he knows it.. but it's just not translating to the rest of his body.
I'm sure it'd be important to mention that he was born with a rare condition - his penis pointed straight down when erect. He grew up literally thinking he'd never ever have sex. When he was 18 he had an operation and is completely fully functional and everything works as it should. I don't know if this has anything to do with it, but it could add to any phycological problems he may be having. I've considered going to some kind of therapist but I don't think someone telling him sex is ok is going to do anything (because as I said.. he gets that idea).
You definately need to see a sex therapist , and go to counseling.
Please lay it on the line with him, and let him know it's a must or your marriage will not make it.
Sally, if at all possible, I would suggest that you go see a sex therapist - someone who is specially trained in dealing with sexual issues. I think that the longer this issue goes on, the harder it will be to deal with.
I wasn't religious before I met my wife. After getting away from beliefs that were the opposite, you can imagine what I thought once we started dating. My wife was just a very unique person. I fell for her. Hard.
So, I was her first. She was my ... we don't want to go there. It intimidated her to no end.
We are protestant. Imagine what it was like that our pastor required up to one year of premarital counseling before agreeing to do our wedding (you could compress it, though, by going every night). He was Comanchee. Tall and intimidating.
The counseling was very graphic and yet top notch. We worked though so many potential issues.
It's rare, but it might be worthwhile to consider starting with your husband with a group that is affiliated with religious beliefs, but only until he is comfortable progressing to something along the lines of sex therapy. Really, I think he will need to progress to a more qualified professional, but he might simply be too overwhelmed to go through it without a foundation in its seriousness.
I mention this because our counseling was 'no holds barred'. Point blank, we were taught that sex is a basic need and right. It is something that a couple should pursue together as their top marriage priority. We were even counseled that its absence was grounds for divorce (our church had no annulments). If my wife hadn't been through that, she would've had some major hangups with my past, and her sexuality.
Along with being a marginal humorist here, I have often offered the Catholic perspective.
There is an old saying among Catholics - "You are never an ex-Catholic; only a recovering Catholic."
Recovering Catholic here. . .
It's meant tongue-in-cheek but it's sorta true. . .the indoctrination is so fierce, it's the stuff that legends are made of. . .so I don't doubt there is an element there that is exacerbating this, along with the "deformity" he had (abberation may be a better word, but he came to look upon it as a deformity).
Now, that being said, he has to remember also that part of Catholic doctrine is the importance of "Consummation" of a marriage. Not only is it permitted after the nuptials, it's expected, one could say demanded to make the marriage valid.
Unfortunately for him, it honestly doesn't mean anything if he can't "help this" or not. If this persists, there runs a real danger of the marriage becoming invalid in teh Catholic Church's eyes and therefore total grounds for annullment. Of course, you are being a good wife by exercising patience and understanding. But there are limits to this.
You have to understand the Catholic Motive - no sex = no more Catholics and thus the cycle is broken, lol.
So, he has to let go of the idea that it's a "sin" at this point. It's a shame, the Priest and Nuns are so darn good at the guilt part of pre-marital sex, they don't seem to be as good at the Sacred part of sex being within a marriage.
But I agree with the forum, with so many issues, a sex therapist that is qualified is in order now so he can enjoy this sacred part of marriage right now. Consider Tantric Sex as a way of slowly introducing it into your marriage.
In the end, I am sure a sermon or education from any Catholic Apologist or ordained clergy isn't going to help at this point. There are issues there that need to be resolved.
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And maybe I seem a bit confused. . .but maybe, I got you pegged! Ha! Don't know what to do about those tossed salad and scrambled eggs. . .they're posting again. Scannerguard has left the building.
I especially liked this article Sexual Guilt Your husband needs a new sexual mindset, he needs an education, if he is willing, start reading secular books on sexuality.
I came a long way from sexual guilt to total freedom, it all starts in the mind, of coarse our hormones are a big help.
How old are you both? I used to be revolted by the thought of oral sex, husband used to want to do it, I would push him away, I had no desire to go down on him, NOW I love it, can't get enough. We can change if their is a will and desire, recognizing these things that are binding our minds and letting go of wrong beliefs & thinking.
I was raised Catholic. They worked in the guilt so well that by the time I was 15, I was disgusted by sex and wanted to be a nun.
Your husband desperately needs counseling. Let him know that you will annul the marriage if something doesn't change. Married couples are meant to have sex.
What a horrible reason for wanting to be a nun too. . .hopefully the sisters would vet that out before accepting you into the fold.
Not that if you are an asexual person, that a life in the Catholic clergy or convent may be a good choice for you. . .but I don't think that should be a primary reason.
IN fact, having nuns and priests be wholeheartedly aware of their own human sexuality is probably a good thing for the parishioners.
Keep talking to other good Catholics about the subject, of whom you may be close, perhaps a Bible study group or whatever. Good Catholics multiply like rabbits.
The die-hards though get into whether it is proper to look at your wife with lust or not, whether that's a sin or not. I'll tell you, I would never look at my partner through the eyes of lust. Never in a million years
Seriously. . .then you get into really complex sin dynamics. . .Scruples being a sin. Essentially, if you go to great lengths to stay pure and avoid sin, you then become guilty of the sin "Scruples" (kinda a "Holier Than Thou" sin). . .see, I never knew this as I guess I wasn't properly catchetized (and it sounds like neither was your hubby).
Your husband could be battling with "Scruples".
So, you can never "win" in Catholicism. . .you are lower than monkey snot and you are to never forget that. . .sin is like getting dirty and you are to take a shower in teh confessional once/week.
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And maybe I seem a bit confused. . .but maybe, I got you pegged! Ha! Don't know what to do about those tossed salad and scrambled eggs. . .they're posting again. Scannerguard has left the building.
In counseling it may be worth it to find out if/when, along which stage of the healing process the purely relational parts of the intimacy of an intimate marriage can be explored. All of the religious advice seems to food for thought and pretty good advice. I always think that building the intimacy of the relationship makes sex in marriage happen more naturally!
I hope that things work for the best between you and your husband.
Newlyweds who haven't had sex yet. 
