Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Speak up and let him know. Being deprived because of lack of communicating desire is a pointless exercise.
Allowing a spouse to think you don't like it? Bewildering.
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Originally Posted by Enchantment
Maria ~ You are the one holding the key. Give it to your husband! Talk with him and let him know how you feel, or better yet, if you can SHOW him how you feel. It sounds like you are at cross-purposes with your husband.
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Originally Posted by Maria9938
In defense of your wife,
My husband doesn't think I'm interested in sex.
However, I am very interested. He has not taken to time to figure what feels good to me. And he certainly doesn't know how to turn me on. He was also the more experienced person, but he never took the time to teach me anything or learn new things together.
He just figured I'm not interested, but he's wrong.
"Many women don't seem to be able to get to that point, however - perhaps it is ambivalence over their new role as a mother or it can also be ambivalence over the role their husband is now playing. This forum has had posts from women who were very disgruntled with their husband's poor attitude toward them after childbirth. I am sure that it is not always a power play."
It is an exchange of sex for security as it has always been. If she found it necessary for her survival to behave sexually, she would do so. Though 44% of American women purporte to have some level of lack of sexual interest, I wager that if the same group of women were asked if they would be willing to perform a sexual act upon their husbands for $1 million or to save their own life, they would almost universally agree. The problem, then, is not that they "can't", but that they don't feel sufficiently motivated. Those who have the desire to withhold and who are also in a position to do so without incurring immediate adverse consequences are likely to do so.
It is an exchange of sex for security as it has always been. If she found it necessary for her survival to behave sexually, she would do so.
I must be a silly, naive, romantic fool at heart, as I have such a hard time relating to this. I had hoped that we as human beings would be past this, but I'm sure this does exist in some cases. I've just never felt like this in my own relationship.
I've thought of this being a possibility for some time now. There's always been one guy that she seems to have been fond of, a good childhood friend of her older brother's. I did confront her on one occasion about this, and even asked if she's been cheating on me with this guy. She cried hysterically and couldn't believe I asked her such a question. The whole "don't you trust me" came out of her mouth, and I told her that I trust her but not some of the people who she considers to be just friends of hers.
Interesting reaction. File this away. It may make more sense down the line.
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Yes, fulltime.
What type of work? Does she make more money that you do?
So she has less time available to do her activities than she would if she did not work. Just trying to get the picture of how seh allocates her time. Not working would give her time to be bored and look for attention elsewhere. Affairs can happen in variety fo places. Emotional affairs can happen in the work place. I did not see anything that said she spent extra time at work or partied a lot with folks there or that you have seen any questionable emails or texts with co-workers. Just the usual suspects kinda thing here. Not saying she is in an affair but there are some Red Flags here that warrant some further investigation on your part to protect your marriage and frankly to turn it around.
One thing we know is that your marriage is vulnerable to an affair right now. The fact she does not want to be around you is the biggest Red Flag of all.
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This is honestly where and when I feel our marriage started going back. She joined FB over two years ago, started re-uniting with all her past childhood & high school friends, and was on that crap for hours every night. We used to have sex often before FB came into her life, and because I was starting to get worried I joined up FB to initially keep an eye on her (in a sense). Then I started enjoying FB. I mentioned in both sessions of marriage counseling that FB was the devil in our relationship. Instead of talking face-to-face with her, the communication involved emails, texts, FB messages or FB chatting. I turned the FB chatting off, because I would much rather speak with you in person than through that ****.
Very telling. I read recently that one in five divorces sight Facebook as a major contributor. Two things happen here as you point out. It takes away from your time together isolating you. It opens up the wife to looking up old friends from days gone by. A bitt of fantasy is mixed into this which is hard to fight. It also opens up your wife to predators.
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In our most recent fight, I told her how I felt about FB and that I was going to delete my account. I never told her to do it with her account, but I stated that FB was ruining our marriage. All those hours per day she spent on it could've been spent with me. The next day she wrote saying she deleted it. However, I then learned that she only deactivated it. I asked if she has intentions of going back to it, she said she doesn't think so.
Hmmmm. Positive that she sadi she does not think so. Hoepfully she is being sincere. A good sign possibly. I suggest you not take this at face value and validate that she is not longer on facebook and monitor periodically. Be aware you can have multiple facebook accounts.
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Yes, she goes to the gym about 3 times a week. It's just another way for her to get away from me, let off some steam & stress, and get into great shape.
Like many things in life there is good and bad with everything.
In genral the gym should be a good thing. Life is also full of choices. Three times week is in genral a very healthy thing to do for ones body and self esteem. The balance is how much that takes aware from time with the family. Si if you are going to go to the Gym three times a week, then great. But don;t deduct the time from your relationship. Give up something else.
Does she have a personal trainer? A lot of folks do and sure they can be harmless. But there is also a possibility of shinnaigans as well. Just a thought.
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Which reminds me, she looks smoking hot now. I tell her this, she then does the "ummm, thanks" crap to me, and because she's getting hotter by working out she won't let me take advantage of her or take care of her in a sexual way. She bought a new swimming suit, was flaunting it at me which got me quite aroused, and then I told her how great she looked in it and what it did to me. She didn't seem too impressed or interested by that. I don't get it.
HUGE RED FLAG. Hey it is so great that our wives get smokin hot. BUT who are they getting smoking hot for. My comments are from the husbands perspective. I am not interested in the smokin hot for hwrself because that just does not matter for our discussion. If she is smokin hot and you are not having sex with her, there is a real danger she will be having sex with someone else in her future if not already. She has increased her sex rank. On a scale of 1 to 10 what is her sex rank. What is yours. If her sex rank is more than yours and she is not into you, there is concern. If her sex rank is much larger than your, you have big trouble buddy.
I am going to make a leap here and tell you if she is a healthy woman, working out and is smokin hot, she has a sex drive and wants sex. Just not with you. At least right now. For sure she is going to have great opportunity to have sex if she is smokin hot. Men will be at the gates and trying their hardest to seduce her. She will start to have more guy "friends".
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She goes out all the time. She'll go out to her girlfriends' one day on the weekend, hang out with women in the neighborhood for some drinks & gossip at one of their homes (she's had them over at our place before), and then she goes out to exercise about 3 times a week.
I don;t see it here but watch out if she is going out on Girls Nights Out where there is drinking, flirting and dancing. Esepcailly he she dresses hot for this. If she is smokin hot then she will draw huge attention. If she is not having sex with you then you do the math.
You guys are not spending enough time together. Some people think that couples need fifteen hours per week of time together.
Are these friends and neighbors pro-marriage? Do they bash their husbands?
She spends a whole day out at her girl friends once a week.
Give us an idea of what one day is. From when to when. It is not overnight surely. What do they do? Is there any interaction with other men at the girl friends? Is she married?
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Do her and I go out? Almost never. We have a date day/night today and my parents have the kids for the night, so it's just the two of us. I'm sure she's thinking that all I'm going to want is sex tonight, and I'm sure she's just waiting for me to mention something about that. Our plans are going to a movie of her choice and then dinner somewhere nice. Afterward, probably just come home and chill. I'm nervous about today, because of her saying just the other day that she wants space. Not sure how I'm going to play this one out today.
You need to be spending quality time together. It does not have to be about sex. Sex is in the head. Check out that Married Man's Sex Life blog above. For me it is about me having an ongoing affair with my wife.
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Yes, both of our 20-yr reunions are coming up. I'm not going to mine, because I hate the people from there. She's dying to go to hers, though, because she just loves everyone. Ugh. Worse of all, is that her reunion is on a Friday night and all day Saturday and Saturday night (everyone is staying at a hotel). I haven't said to her if I was going or not, but because she knows I don't like some of her high school friends that she's probably not intending on me going with her. The whole damn thing scares the hell out of me, and I know I would be miserable there yet worrying my ass off at home. Not sure what to do with that one.
If you do not go with your wife you are a complete fool sir. I have friends who lost their marriages over long distance H.S. Reunions. She is smokin hot, not having se with you and going to her old reunion. If you do not go just get you finances in order and prepare for the worst. Period. If you do not go you are not interested in staying married to your smokin hot wife. You have to ****block at the very least. Not about trust. Forget that. Make the event if possible an opportunity to spend time with your wife. This seems a make of break thing to me.
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Lots of things for herself as previously mentioned, but not much for "us."
Stop being a Nice Giuy. Women hate that. They don't have sex with Nice Guys. They have sex with men who have a good balance of Alpha and Beta traits. Take charge of your marriage. Take control. Being called controlling in your case is your wife wanting space to find her own life without you.
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Right now, nothing. I keep trying to do date outings with her, and because we both work it's hard to make things like that happen. It's no excuse, but I do keep throwing out dates & ideas. Other than that, we just play the role of roommates in my eyes.
Don;t take no for an answer. She has to make you a priority. She has scheduled you out of her life. Made her self smokin hot for someone else. She may not yet be in an affair. Odds are good though, but she has prepared herself to be. The relationship is EXTREMELY VULNERABLE to this.
You have to take action. You must improve yourself but that takes time. Do that but in the meantime you have to have one on one time with your wife. Not just sex.
Before we had our first child the sex life was awesome. She was wanting sex all the time, couldn't get enough of it. After the first the sex life started going downhill, but wasn't bad enough to raise concern. After our second child was born, her libido went downhill fast.
You see a pattern? You didn't transform into a controlling beast by becoming a father. Why did the sex decrease upon the birth of your first child and why did it decrease further with your second? What changed was that a child cemented her position and power in the relationship. More kids, more power, less need to accomodate you.
She figures you aren't going anywhere, no need to concentrate on you or what you want. That explains why sex is "the last thing" on her mind. You took the cheese, the trap was sprung, and nobody puts cheese out for a trapped mouse.
Oh come of it already! This isn't about power, controlling and trapping a guy with bait. There is always a flip side to the situation.
In my case, my husband was a take charge kind of guy who could handle anything, soldier through, find a solution and could master everything that was put on his plate. A highly intelligent man, Mensa actually.
After the birth of our first child, he became this helpless man I couldn't even recognize anymore. He acted just like the newborn we had. He needed constant validation and "instructions" on how to do the most basic things, while playing grab a$$ with me. He was looking for attention but doing it in all the wrong ways. It sure as hell wasn't sexy, it was annoying and pathetic.
I felt like I had two children, instead of one.
I was/am the higher sex drive person and yes, that behavior killed it for me for a long time. I felt totally alone at 21, to raise our son. Scared. I felt like if I don't do it, nobody will. So did I cut off sex because I suddenly had no desire for sex? NO. I cut off sex because I literally had no desire for the person who changed so drastically. Had he instead been the man I fell in love with and ponied up to help me with our son, taken the reigns of the situation like he had so many times before, my sex drive would have never decreased. Sex was the last thing on my mind with my husband because I didn't relish the thought of screwing a 5 year old trapped in a man's body. If anybody took the cheese, it was me.
Even she doesn't know, that's the problem. She's clueless as to what she wants, or maybe she already knows what she wants and is just afraid of its reality.
Another acroynymn I'm not familiar with. What does that mean?
I've thought of this being a possibility for some time now. There's always been one guy that she seems to have been fond of, a good childhood friend of her older brother's. I did confront her on one occasion about this, and even asked if she's been cheating on me with this guy. She cried hysterically and couldn't believe I asked her such a question. The whole "don't you trust me" came out of her mouth, and I told her that I trust her but not some of the people who she considers to be just friends of hers.
Yes, fulltime.
This is honestly where and when I feel our marriage started going back. She joined FB over two years ago, started re-uniting with all her past childhood & high school friends, and was on that crap for hours every night. We used to have sex often before FB came into her life, and because I was starting to get worried I joined up FB to initially keep an eye on her (in a sense). Then I started enjoying FB. I mentioned in both sessions of marriage counseling that FB was the devil in our relationship. Instead of talking face-to-face with her, the communication involved emails, texts, FB messages or FB chatting. I turned the FB chatting off, because I would much rather speak with you in person than through that ****.
In our most recent fight, I told her how I felt about FB and that I was going to delete my account. I never told her to do it with her account, but I stated that FB was ruining our marriage. All those hours per day she spent on it could've been spent with me. The next day she wrote saying she deleted it. However, I then learned that she only deactivated it. I asked if she has intentions of going back to it, she said she doesn't think so.
Why not just delete the account entirely? Kind of a half-assed approach by her if you ask me.
I can honestly say that I don't miss it one bit.
Yes, she goes to the gym about 3 times a week. It's just another way for her to get away from me, let off some steam & stress, and get into great shape.
Which reminds me, she looks smoking hot now. I tell her this, she then does the "ummm, thanks" crap to me, and because she's getting hotter by working out she won't let me take advantage of her or take care of her in a sexual way. She bought a new swimming suit, was flaunting it at me which got me quite aroused, and then I told her how great she looked in it and what it did to me. She didn't seem too impressed or interested by that. I don't get it.
She goes out all the time. She'll go out to her girlfriends' one day on the weekend, hang out with women in the neighborhood for some drinks & gossip at one of their homes (she's had them over at our place before), and then she goes out to exercise about 3 times a week.
Do her and I go out? Almost never. We have a date day/night today and my parents have the kids for the night, so it's just the two of us. I'm sure she's thinking that all I'm going to want is sex tonight, and I'm sure she's just waiting for me to mention something about that. Our plans are going to a movie of her choice and then dinner somewhere nice. Afterward, probably just come home and chill. I'm nervous about today, because of her saying just the other day that she wants space. Not sure how I'm going to play this one out today.
Yes, both of our 20-yr reunions are coming up. I'm not going to mine, because I hate the people from there. She's dying to go to hers, though, because she just loves everyone. Ugh. Worse of all, is that her reunion is on a Friday night and all day Saturday and Saturday night (everyone is staying at a hotel). I haven't said to her if I was going or not, but because she knows I don't like some of her high school friends that she's probably not intending on me going with her. The whole damn thing scares the hell out of me, and I know I would be miserable there yet worrying my ass off at home. Not sure what to do with that one.
Lots of things for herself as previously mentioned, but not much for "us."
Right now, nothing. I keep trying to do date outings with her, and because we both work it's hard to make things like that happen. It's no excuse, but I do keep throwing out dates & ideas. Other than that, we just play the role of roommates in my eyes.
Oh I forgot. Go to the GYM with her. Change your schedule if you must. All three times a week is great but at a bare minimum once per week. A lot of reasons for this but they should be obvious.
1) You need to up your sex rank.
2) You need to see what friends she has at the GYM
3) People at the GYM need to know she is married and that you are her husband.
4) This is an interest you can share
5) This can count towards time together
Just do your own thing. You want to look like an Alpha mail. Do not put yourself in a position to be compared to anyone else at the GYM. Be your own man. Not a problem if you meet friends there. Just do not invite other men into your relationship.
I certainly changed my share of diapers. Matter-of-fact, my ex gave me custody of both children when they were quite small. One wasn't even my biological child! She simply found a better deal and hooked up with my neighbor who made a little more money. She later traded him in on one who made somewhat more. She now has one that makes 6 figures but she'd trade him this afternoon if she found a better deal. I am helpful, attentive, patient, etc, etc, etc, with my current wife. I demand nothing, ask for very little, and have contented myself nonsexual touching for so long, I feel like her gay buddy. When I do have the bad manners of bringing up our lack of romance, sex, etc, she tells me it's because she's unhappy that I left some clothes on the floor, or that I field-stripped a cigarette in the front yard, or that (fill in the blank). I've changed my behaviors a hundred times but her's remains the same. The excuses are the only thing that changes. I might also add that her lack of sexual interest existed in her previous relationships as well although when she and I were dating, she was all up for it. Her interest in sex with me died instantly when the ring hit my finger. The only thing I can conclude is that all that slap and tickle while we were dating was just an act. I have jumped through all the hoops and it makes no difference. I'm sure my situation doesn't replicate everyone else's and there are women who dont' use sex as currency or power and control but it does happen, it happens often, it's the oldest transaction in the history of earth. Look at all the women on this forum that suggest if their husband did X they would respond by giving them affection. They justify withholding affection because H didn't do X or didn't do Y. That is a transaction where sex is used as currency.
I certainly changed my share of diapers. Matter-of-fact, my ex gave me custody of both children when they were quite small. One wasn't even my biological child! She simply found a better deal and hooked up with my neighbor who made a little more money. She later traded him in on one who made somewhat more. She now has one that makes 6 figures but she'd trade him this afternoon if she found a better deal. I am helpful, attentive, patient, etc, etc, etc, with my current wife. I demand nothing, ask for very little, and have contented myself nonsexual touching for so long, I feel like her gay buddy. When I do have the bad manners of bringing up our lack of romance, sex, etc, she tells me it's because she's unhappy that I left some clothes on the floor, or that I field-stripped a cigarette in the front yard, or that (fill in the blank). I've changed my behaviors a hundred times but her's remains the same. The excuses are the only thing that changes. I might also add that her lack of sexual interest existed in her previous relationships as well although when she and I were dating, she was all up for it. Her interest in sex with me died instantly when the ring hit my finger. The only thing I can conclude is that all that slap and tickle while we were dating was just an act. I have jumped through all the hoops and it makes no difference. I'm sure my situation doesn't replicate everyone else's and there are women who dont' use sex as currency or power and control but it does happen, it happens often, it's the oldest transaction in the history of earth. Look at all the women on this forum that suggest if their husband did X they would respond by giving them affection. They justify withholding affection because H didn't do X or didn't do Y. That is a transaction where sex is used as currency.
Well then you married the wrong woman.
You want to equate all women down to the level of a prostitute, a transaction based encounter where she is somehow getting paid or benefiting financially. What a glib view you have of women.
We aren't all cut from the cloth you talk about. I don't use sex to get what I want. I use sex to get off. Pure and simple.
As for the oldest transaction in history, it was the stone mason. A man who was no longer a slave, able to work his craft and charge for it. Prostitution followed shortly there after.
Well then you married the wrong woman.
You want to equate all women down to the level of a prostitute, a transaction based encounter where she is somehow getting paid or benefiting financially. What a glib view you have of women.
We aren't all cut from the cloth you talk about. I don't use sex to get what I want. I use sex to get off. Pure and simple.
As for the oldest transaction in history, it was the stone mason. A man who was no longer a slave, able to work his craft and charge for it. Prostitution followed shortly there after.
They were the ones who followed the six fleet.
Anyway. yes a bleak view of women. We can though see the hard wired nature of hypergamy at work here. That does not mean women have to act on it.
There may be some hypergamy at work with the original poster.
If she purposely upped her sex rank to draw better genes then maybe. Not saying she did but this story is no where near clear yet. People will say she has every right to do that. Well, ok but that is hypergamy.
Oh boy, Hang in there. Stay Strong. Me and my DH have been married for 19 years and have 4 kids. Marriage is really tough. Sometimes we think our problems will go away or work itself out. You guys have done the right thing by getting counseling. You have been very honest with her, she knows that, and despite what you think, she appreciates it. I know it's tough but be patient. It's funny but a person thinks that when we get married, the spouse will fulfill out needs, but we have to learn to serve the other's needs. I found in 19 years of marriage that some years my DH gave more to the marriage and some years I gave more. Don't give up. This world needs good people to stay together like you and your wife!!!
Our problems started when we had kids. The problem was that I focused all of my attension on my kids a forgot my husband. His reaction was to distance himself and not help with the extra work. When I realized the reason I approched to fix it.
The change in our rationship was just short of miraculous. All it took was my understanding what happened to touch off the spiral down. It takes only one person to recognize the problem and to approach the other with understanding.
Men frequently feel their wife's abandon them both physically and emotionally when kids come along. We get busy tierd and forget to communicate tge changes with our spouse and it leave to misunderstanding. Also sex is not just a physical need it is tge way men feel love when tgey are in a commited relationship wit a woman they love. Would you be willing to read books to understand your husband and let him know. Maybe get him to read too.
I hope you do not take this the wrong way but your post seems to indicate that you are contemptuous of you husband. Read about contempt in relationships, it is the worse reaction you can have and as unacceptable as violence.
It is soul killing. I am certain you do not mean to destroy your husband. He really does not deserve your contempt, it strips him of his ability to meet the world with confidence. Go within yourself and examine your role in the problems. Be brutally honest with yourself. I can assure you he is not the only one who got you both to this point.
Are you willing to make the first move towards reconnection? Posted via Mobile Device
I hate to say this, but has there always been this power play in your relationship? It might not be about sex at all but about power. I have to that are also a lot of tech distractions in marriage today. We have been married for 19 years, 4 kids, and I could never stop have sex with my husband. Sure we have had our ups and downs, who hasn't but there is nothing like connecting with the one who adores you through the good, bad and ugly. Hang in there hun, if it is a power play, don't give in. Fight for the marriage, underlying power struggles usually result from low self esteem from one or two partners!
Ok so my tale of woe might be different, but I'm willing to admit that the struggle isn't worth it, maybe it never was. If she's not into 'it', not into you and sees that part of her life, if there ever was one, over and out, then just let it go. To me it's one less thing to hold over my head and threaten me with. If that's what she wants, ok, she wins. Give her the gold medal.
Re: Wife Not Interested in Sex Anymore 
I had hoped that we as human beings would be past this, but I'm sure this does exist in some cases. I've just never felt like this in my own relationship. 
