Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
So how exactly do I go the route you guys are suggesting? What should I say to her?
She mentioned the other day that she hates ultimatums. I threw one out at her that she needs to figure this out (before the whole EA discussion ever took place), and instead of answering that she instead yelled "I hate ultimatums!" The last thing I want to do is push her farther away from me. Is it fair that she replies that way and doesn't say she's choosing me? Hell no.
So is it a good idea to throw another ultimatum at her, when she doesn't like it and thinks I'm even more controlling than she already thinks I am (even though I'm not).
I stumbled on this website a few weeks back when looking for some parenting advice, after reading a few threads I got hooked. As a 38 year old dad of 3 year old twins, married for 5 years, I have learned a lot and am thankful to have found this raw resource. Many of the stories have some relevance to my life and has raised the awareness of my choices. I would like to thanks everyone for sharing their experiences / opinions which has helped enlighten me.
I have been shocked at how obvious situations are once you learn to recognize the signs / pattern (or script as they call it). Reading your thread is painful as it is a repeat of many of the sad stories told here. The best thing you can do for yourself is read as much as you can on this site about similar situations (search emotional affair) and get your head out of your ass and ahead of the curve. Please read this thread as I fear it is where your story is heading Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?
I wish you nothing but the best but can tell you from experience that the nice guy routine is going to eat you alive. The only thing that has a chance of working is manning up and setting boundaries (again, do the research and find out what that means). Of course there are no guarantees but I can tell you if manning up does not work then the fact is you picked a loser.
The final thing I want to say is I know you are thinking "this guy does not know what he is talking about, I am man enough and I don't need some jerk telling me otherwise..." this is a defensive mechanism, you have to find a way to push out of your comfort zone. To grow and become the man you know you can be not the person life has squeezed you into. Again, the best way to do this is read, read, read, especially on this site. If you find a way to be honest with yourself and open to growing, you might be able to grow enough and in the process win your wife back.
Bahhh, this site is so frustrating, it makes me want to cry. It's like watching sleep walkers walk in front of an oncoming train.
Please read that link I posted, I'm no fortune teller but that is likely your story. There's so much more I want to say but being this is my first post, I'll shut up and let the experts spoon feed you, I just hope you can digest it fast enough.
I plan on saying something tonight about how she must stop all communication with this guy.
But, what about the girlfriends of hers that are not trustworthy and who are a bad influence on her. Do I tell her that she must stop the friendship with them too? They're a part of the problem, because they had no problems spending that weekend with the OM & my wife. If they were really good friends, don't you think they would've said something like, "isn't this going to hurt your husband's feelings? Maybe we shouldn't do this, it's a bad idea and it may ruin your marriage."
I plan on saying something tonight about how she must stop all communication with this guy.
But, what about the girlfriends of hers that are not trustworthy and who are a bad influence on her. Do I tell her that she must stop the friendship with them too? They're a part of the problem, because they had no problems spending that weekend with the OM & my wife. If they were really good friends, don't you think they would've said something like, "isn't this going to hurt your husband's feelings? Maybe we shouldn't do this, it's a bad idea and it may ruin your marriage."
So sorry to see what you've uncovered. Its sickening, especially since you are willing to work so hard to fix things, and have always been so committed. My first thought is that these friends are definately not your friends. They supported her in spending the night in a place where she knew you were uncomfortable with. That said, maybe you should post in the Infidelity section. There are some great people who check this section out who have navigated the minefield you have encountered.
somedude - listen to these people. Hicks is right. Look at the thread I started earlier today. You have to lay down the law. It's the only thing that works. You are the man. Be strong. My wife had an EA and lied to me about it until I caught her red handed. After another lesser lie (we are married 15 years) I told her one more lie about this and I will end it. Since then we have done extremely well, my wife is scared to ruin the family, we've had sex 6 nights in a row (not that this was our problem), and send lots of loving texts, etc during the day, we profess our love several times a day.
It's because I stood up to the EA, told her I wouldn't accept it as part of our marriage. THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT WORKS. If your wife doesn't listen to this and keeps it going, then you have your answer and you have to end the relationship.
I've seen so many stories on here of men playing the nice guy. SO MANY TIMES. They keep reassuring their wayward wives and saying, "I'm here for you when you are ready to stop having your affair". NO!! That is not the approach. You only say that ONCE THE AFFAIR IS OVER. People who keep reassuring their wives while the affair is ongoing are going to fail - at least that's what virtually every story on here has done. Don't reinforce bad behavior by imploring your wife to love you while she's being a bad girl.
You can say, even during the affair, that you want the marriage to work, and are here to work on it. But be clear with your wife that this can't start until the affair is over. Beware, your wife my temporarily end the affair to placate you, then dive back in later. If that happens you have to rinse and repeat, or just end it.
But, what about the girlfriends of hers that are not trustworthy and who are a bad influence on her. Do I tell her that she must stop the friendship with them too? They're a part of the problem, because they had no problems spending that weekend with the OM & my wife. If they were really good friends, don't you think they would've said something like, "isn't this going to hurt your husband's feelings? Maybe we shouldn't do this, it's a bad idea and it may ruin your marriage."
Yes, she must stop all contact with these TOXIC friends. These toxic friends are not friends of the marriage, and they are enabling her affair by encouraging the affair and not discouraging it, and may also be facilitating it by providing alibis for her or even providing a place for them to meet. Frankly, I'd be upset seeing your WWs choice of friends. She probably has friends that would not encourage affairs, she just drifted away from them in favor of the ones that do enable her. Unfortunately she must go NC with them too. This must become one of your boundaries too.
If she accuses you of being controlling, then remind her who is endangering/destroying the marriage. Tell her either to choose them and the OM, or you. If she chooses her friends over you, then you have your answer. She is not worth having as a wife if she wants to associate with toxic friends who enable and facilitate affairs, instead of being married to you.
Of course she hates utlimatums.
You are operating from the point of view of what she likes dislikes, and therefore you are swallowing your dislikes.
Don't operate on what you think she wants or will tolerate, operate on what you want or will tolerate. IF you don't want her friends in the picture, thend make that one of your requirements.
Rather than ultimatums, what you are offering is an invitation. You are inviting her to join you in a strong marriage based on the vows you took and the standards of treatment you expect.
I stumbled on this website a few weeks back when looking for some parenting advice, after reading a few threads I got hooked. As a 38 year old dad of 3 year old twins, married for 5 years, I have learned a lot and am thankful to have found this raw resource. Many of the stories have some relevance to my life and has raised the awareness of my choices. I would like to thanks everyone for sharing their experiences / opinions which has helped enlighten me.
I have been shocked at how obvious situations are once you learn to recognize the signs / pattern (or script as they call it). Reading your thread is painful as it is a repeat of many of the sad stories told here. The best thing you can do for yourself is read as much as you can on this site about similar situations (search emotional affair) and get your head out of your ass and ahead of the curve. Please read this thread as I fear it is where your story is heading Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?
I wish you nothing but the best but can tell you from experience that the nice guy routine is going to eat you alive. The only thing that has a chance of working is manning up and setting boundaries (again, do the research and find out what that means). Of course there are no guarantees but I can tell you if manning up does not work then the fact is you picked a loser.
The final thing I want to say is I know you are thinking "this guy does not know what he is talking about, I am man enough and I don't need some jerk telling me otherwise..." this is a defensive mechanism, you have to find a way to push out of your comfort zone. To grow and become the man you know you can be not the person life has squeezed you into. Again, the best way to do this is read, read, read, especially on this site. If you find a way to be honest with yourself and open to growing, you might be able to grow enough and in the process win your wife back.
Bahhh, this site is so frustrating, it makes me want to cry. It's like watching sleep walkers walk in front of an oncoming train.
Please read that link I posted, I'm no fortune teller but that is likely your story. There's so much more I want to say but being this is my first post, I'll shut up and let the experts spoon feed you, I just hope you can digest it fast enough.
Yes, she must stop all contact with these TOXIC friends. These toxic friends are not friends of the marriage, and they are enabling her affair by encouraging the affair and not discouraging it, and may also be facilitating it by providing alibis for her or even providing a place for them to meet. Frankly, I'd be upset seeing your WWs choice of friends. She probably has friends that would not encourage affairs, she just drifted away from them in favor of the ones that do enable her. Unfortunately she must go NC with them too. This must become one of your boundaries too.
If she accuses you of being controlling, then remind her who is endangering/destroying the marriage. Tell her either to choose them and the OM, or you. If she chooses her friends over you, then you have your answer. She is not worth having as a wife if she wants to associate with toxic friends who enable and facilitate affairs, instead of being married to you.
Very true. You really only get one good shot at this. No point in "compromising". Your relationship has already been compromised. Time to define what is all the way right for you. She changed the rules without consulting you. She actively enabled all of the this every step of the way. Even put in the hard work to get in shape for it all. A comscious effort at some point for sure. So don't settle for anything less than what you need in the marriage.
Sorry for not responding in a couple days. I went to our old marriage counselor today, by myself, and divulged all that has recently transpired in my life. She informed me that I need to back off and give my W space, which is what my W has been asking for all along. I will give her space. I was told that a month would be feasible, and that after that month is over my W needs to give me a definitive answer whether to fix the marriage or get a divorce. I still don't know if I have the balls to pump an ultimatum like that one onto my wife, but we both know it's not fair to keep me in limbo like this.
I also learned that my wife loves me but isn't "in love" with me, something I've read a lot on this board. She still says "I love you" to me, gives me hugs and kisses when we're coming/going, but she says she lost that passion for me that she once had.
Will giving her space really work? My counselor says it's been known to work, she just couldn't guarantee it (which makes sense).
Sorry for not responding in a couple days. I went to our old marriage counselor today, by myself, and divulged all that has recently transpired in my life. She informed me that I need to back off and give my W space, which is what my W has been asking for all along. I will give her space. I was told that a month would be feasible, and that after that month is over my W needs to give me a definitive answer whether to fix the marriage or get a divorce. I still don't know if I have the balls to pump an ultimatum like that one onto my wife, but we both know it's not fair to keep me in limbo like this.
I also learned that my wife loves me but isn't "in love" with me, something I've read a lot on this board. She still says "I love you" to me, gives me hugs and kisses when we're coming/going, but she says she lost that passion for me that she once had.
Will giving her space really work? My counselor says it's been known to work, she just couldn't guarantee it (which makes sense).
WOW. UFB. Giving space usually enables an affair. Allowing contact and not stopping immediately only allows this to turn into a PA versus an EA. The ILYBAMNILWY means that her dopamine is being supplied by another male. That trumps being loved.
I await others to reply. I see the advice to back off as counter productive.
So you are supposed to go along with her behavior? I am not an MC, but personally I would not allow the affair to continue. The MC is assuming that it is better for the affair to continue and burn out. Sorry I am not that kind of guy. I doubt you are either but we shall see.
Are we assuming this affair has gone physical already?
Sorry for not responding in a couple days. I went to our old marriage counselor today, by myself, and divulged all that has recently transpired in my life. She informed me that I need to back off and give my W space, which is what my W has been asking for all along. I will give her space. I was told that a month would be feasible, and that after that month is over my W needs to give me a definitive answer whether to fix the marriage or get a divorce. I still don't know if I have the balls to pump an ultimatum like that one onto my wife, but we both know it's not fair to keep me in limbo like this.
I also learned that my wife loves me but isn't "in love" with me, something I've read a lot on this board. She still says "I love you" to me, gives me hugs and kisses when we're coming/going, but she says she lost that passion for me that she once had.
Will giving her space really work? My counselor says it's been known to work, she just couldn't guarantee it (which makes sense).
This is how it goes. Normal evolution of things. Why woman often go after another male to fullfill her. You have to keep falling in love through out your realtionship. That takes lots of work.
I have been married for a loooonnnnnngggggg time. I can honestly say that over the past two months my relationship has really heated up again and is very passionate. I took the steps to make this happen. I had to work at it to get that fire going again. You cannot just put a marriage in auto-pilot.
After one month her reply is more likely to be negative. She is idealizing the other guy and only looks for bad things in you, therefore the ultimatums will have the wrong effect. She is distancing herself for a reason. Time is not on your side.
Perhaps it would be possible for the two of you to take a break from all this mess for a short while (thus separating her from her friends and that guy), go away somewhere together, free your minds and try to restart the spark?
May wisdom choose your actions and courage see them through.
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Gloria in excelsis Deo, et in terra pax hominibus bonae voluntatis
Re: Wife Not Interested in Sex Anymore 
