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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 06-10-2011, 02:09 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife Not Interested in Sex Anymore

Hi everyone. This is my first time post here, but certainly won't be my last. I'm a 38-yr-old male that's married to a 37-yr-old female (just 5 months difference in age), and we have two children who are 3 and 6. I've been married to my wife for just over 10 years, and we've been to marriage counseling on two separate occasions.

Before we had our first child the sex life was awesome. She was wanting sex all the time, couldn't get enough of it. After the first the sex life started going downhill, but wasn't bad enough to raise concern. After our second child was born, her libido went downhill fast. So much so, that I'm a lucky guy to have sex with her maybe once or twice a month, and recently it's happened just one time in two months. I'm sorry, but I need sex and that physical connection at least once a week. Even during our last round of marriage counseling we agreed to having sex once a week, and although it worked for a while it dwindled to almost never happening.

We've been fighting lately, and I've brought up the fact that it seems she doesn't love me much anymore. I feel unwanted, unloved, forgotten, neglected, not appreciated and not a priority in her life. I told her these things but it doesn't seem to sink in with her. I pulled up notes I wrote while doing the two rounds of marriage counseling, and it seems like a lot of the things I was concerned with are still present...

- not feeling loved by her
- lack of sex
- no desire to do things with me
- friends seem to be more important than me
- she's more responsive to everyone else
- I'm not a priority in her life

The problems she had with me were primarily the following...

- anger management issues
- talking down to her
- controlling

She agreed with me the other day that my anger problems have disappeared. But, she said I still talk down to her and I'm controlling. The "talking down to" is questionable, in a list of say 10 times I talked down to her maybe 3 of them could be considered just that. And controlling? I let her do anything she wants. I've never once said "no" to something she wanted to do.

Anyway...

As I mentioned above, my biggest problem with her is that I don't feel loved anymore. She thinks that all I want from her is sex, which is true but it's not just sex. It's the physical & intimate connection between her and I. She never shows interest in sex. If I pursue it she feels like I'm pressuring her, and all that does is turn her off even more (although I'm not sure how that's possible when it's rare for sex to happen). If I don't pursue I know it will definitely not happen, because she's not going after it. She has no idea what "feeling loved" means. Even the marriage counselor had stated that we should be having sex more often than once a month.

She just started going to a psychologist to help take care of herself, because she's obviously in a fragile state. She's been going to one for a long time now, but only goes when she really needs to. She's told me that I should go see someone for me, because of how depressed I've been lately. I don't need someone. I need my wife. The marriage counseling we once had was great stuff, I learned a lot from those visits. I took a lot of great ideas from them, and they've helped make me a better person. She, on the other hand, hasn't changed much at all. Our last round of counseling was a year ago. I asked her if we could go back, and she says she needs to fix herself & then we can maybe go back to counseling.

Other important things I've recently learned:

- she told me she loves me because I'm the father of our kids
- she fears talking to me because of how I may respond
- I still talk down to her
- I'm still controlling over her
- sex is the LAST thing on her mind
- she needs space from me
- she's confused about the marriage, not sure what she wants anymore

The first one made me cry like a baby. I still think about that every day. After saying that and seeing my reaction, she said she just doesn't love me the same way when we were first married... that she isn't "madly in love with me anymore."

I want to make this work, and she claims she wants to make it work as well. If she wants space, what exactly does that mean? She won't give me a good answer about that because she says she doesn't know. Obviously she doesn't want sex, so I cannot even approach her about that without pissing her off. If I give her too much distance, I feel like it'll increase the chances of separation or divorce.

Speaking of which...

I told her that it seems like she has been thinking of separation/divorce already, and she didn't say "yes" to that but did say she's thought about what life may be like without me. Right now she needs to fix herself (whatever that entails), and then figure out what she wants from our marriage. That means I have to play the waiting game to see what she uncovers, because I know 100% what I want from the marriage (I want her and I want us to work things out) but she doesn't.

Right this very second, we want the complete opposite of one another...

me = I want her close to me physically, mentally & spiritually
her = she wants space/distance from me

me = I want to talk about our marriage issues, fix things now
her = she doesn't want to talk, makes her more upset

me = I know what I want
her = she doesn't know what she wants

I feel like I'm not writing everything down that needs to be here, but I'm just so upset about it all. I found this forum by doing a Google search for this type of discussion, read some a few threads, and can immediately tell that there's a great number of truly wonderful people here. Hopefully just getting this out there to people I've never met can help, even if it's just a little bit.
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Old 06-10-2011, 03:05 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi s0medude~
Thanks for posting! Yah, unfortunately, it seems like you are in good company as this seems to be a big problem in a lot of marriages. That doesn't make it any easier, I know.

I was hoping one of the menfolk would post first, but since not, I'll take a shot.

Some questions for you. It sounds like you and your W have gone through some counselling previously and discovered some issues. As far as the controlling and talking down to that your W complains about, can your W give you specific examples that you can work from, or is it just some vague talk from her?

And, when you say that you never say no to her, why not? Most people (not just women) appreciate and respect people who have personal boundaries, can articulate them, and can enforce them in a calm, competent manner. For women (well okay for me since I shouldn't speak for everybody else), having a man who is confident, authoritative, competent, humorous, and compassionate is very attractive.
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Old 06-10-2011, 03:12 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi s0medude~
Thanks for posting! Yah, unfortunately, it seems like you are in good company as this seems to be a big problem in a lot of marriages. That doesn't make it any easier, I know.
You're one of the good folk around here who I've seen posting in lots of threads, so thanks for chiming in on my post.

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As far as the controlling and talking down to that your W complains about, can your W give you specific examples that you can work from, or is it just some vague talk from her?
We both journal anything & everything pertaining to our marriage, and she did give me several examples of when I talk down to her. She listed out about 10 of them to me, and only three were ones where I can agree with her frustration. The other ones were just flat out trivial, nothing that should cause so much grief to any human being (i.e. "please place a coaster under that hot cup of tea (on the nice wood table").

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And, when you say that you never say no to her, why not?
I'm confused, where exactly did I say something like that in my OP?

Again, thank you already for your response. Knowing that this is a frequent thing for married couples, albeit not a good one, makes me feel a little bit more at ease.
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Old 06-10-2011, 03:30 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I let her do anything she wants. I've never once said "no" to something she wanted to do.
I think this was the bit I was referring to when I mentioned the not saying "no" to her.

As per your post, I can tell that I have been online and commenting too much today! lol

Anyway, sometimes even the most seemingly trivial things can add up. Some people are more sensitive about these things than others. So, you might think "what's the big deal about the coaster?" while she may see that time after time after time having to remind or reprimand as something you would do with a child (not attractive in a man) or something that indicates you don't care enough about her to do anything about (also not attractive).

I can relate to the coaster thing - used to be that way a long time ago when my H and I were first married. He used to NEVER push in his chair at the kitchen table! Doggone it, that drove me crazy! Silly now, but he really did 'humor' me, and I mean humor. I would remind/reprimand, and he would very eloquently look at me - kind of with a lustful look in his eye, wag his eyebrows, put his hand up in the air, gracefully sweep his hand down and push in the chair, then come over and give me a smooch, and I felt like dirt. I think that the guys on the forum would say that might have been a "fitness test" or "sh!t test". There's some good information over in the Men's Clubhouse that could give you a start on some reading.

Guys, guys from the Men's Clubhouse - special here on aisle 9. Any guys care to comment?
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Old 06-10-2011, 03:56 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Married Man Sex Life

Just another resource.

Your story sounds very typical.

Remember that "controlling" may be just that you exist as her husband. Your very presence puts pressure on her behavior.
She may have not asked you if she could do something that she wants to do yet, but assumes you will not like it. I won't speculate further here.

If she asks for space ... watch out.

The I Love You But Not In Love With You is very common.
That does not mean that it is not a HUGE RED FLAG.

The resources on this site will help you. On the link I posted search for dopamine and oxytocin.
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Old 06-10-2011, 04:01 PM   #6 (permalink)
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If women are having lots of good sex with their husband they are less likely to be beating him up over those little things that accumulate.

Sure it can be a chicken and egg thing but if you are supplying their dopamine and oxytocin most of those other things vaporize.

The Fitness Tests may very well be there but they are more playful to deal with.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 06-10-2011 at 04:20 PM.
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Old 06-10-2011, 04:06 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by s0medude View Post
Hi everyone. This is my first time post here, but certainly won't be my last. I'm a 38-yr-old male that's married to a 37-yr-old female (just 5 months difference in age), and we have two children who are 3 and 6. I've been married to my wife for just over 10 years, and we've been to marriage counseling on two separate occasions.

Before we had our first child the sex life was awesome. She was wanting sex all the time, couldn't get enough of it. After the first the sex life started going downhill, but wasn't bad enough to raise concern. After our second child was born, her libido went downhill fast. So much so, that I'm a lucky guy to have sex with her maybe once or twice a month, and recently it's happened just one time in two months. I'm sorry, but I need sex and that physical connection at least once a week. Even during our last round of marriage counseling we agreed to having sex once a week, and although it worked for a while it dwindled to almost never happening.

We've been fighting lately, and I've brought up the fact that it seems she doesn't love me much anymore. I feel unwanted, unloved, forgotten, neglected, not appreciated and not a priority in her life. I told her these things but it doesn't seem to sink in with her. I pulled up notes I wrote while doing the two rounds of marriage counseling, and it seems like a lot of the things I was concerned with are still present...

- not feeling loved by her
- lack of sex
- no desire to do things with me
- friends seem to be more important than me
- she's more responsive to everyone else
- I'm not a priority in her life

The problems she had with me were primarily the following...

- anger management issues
- talking down to her
- controlling

She agreed with me the other day that my anger problems have disappeared. But, she said I still talk down to her and I'm controlling. The "talking down to" is questionable, in a list of say 10 times I talked down to her maybe 3 of them could be considered just that. And controlling? I let her do anything she wants. I've never once said "no" to something she wanted to do.

Anyway...

As I mentioned above, my biggest problem with her is that I don't feel loved anymore. She thinks that all I want from her is sex, which is true but it's not just sex. It's the physical & intimate connection between her and I. She never shows interest in sex. If I pursue it she feels like I'm pressuring her, and all that does is turn her off even more (although I'm not sure how that's possible when it's rare for sex to happen). If I don't pursue I know it will definitely not happen, because she's not going after it. She has no idea what "feeling loved" means. Even the marriage counselor had stated that we should be having sex more often than once a month.

She just started going to a psychologist to help take care of herself, because she's obviously in a fragile state. She's been going to one for a long time now, but only goes when she really needs to. She's told me that I should go see someone for me, because of how depressed I've been lately. I don't need someone. I need my wife. The marriage counseling we once had was great stuff, I learned a lot from those visits. I took a lot of great ideas from them, and they've helped make me a better person. She, on the other hand, hasn't changed much at all. Our last round of counseling was a year ago. I asked her if we could go back, and she says she needs to fix herself & then we can maybe go back to counseling.

Other important things I've recently learned:

- she told me she loves me because I'm the father of our kids
- she fears talking to me because of how I may respond
- I still talk down to her
- I'm still controlling over her
- sex is the LAST thing on her mind
- she needs space from me
- she's confused about the marriage, not sure what she wants anymore

The first one made me cry like a baby. I still think about that every day. After saying that and seeing my reaction, she said she just doesn't love me the same way when we were first married... that she isn't "madly in love with me anymore."

I want to make this work, and she claims she wants to make it work as well. If she wants space, what exactly does that mean? She won't give me a good answer about that because she says she doesn't know. Obviously she doesn't want sex, so I cannot even approach her about that without pissing her off. If I give her too much distance, I feel like it'll increase the chances of separation or divorce.

Speaking of which...

I told her that it seems like she has been thinking of separation/divorce already, and she didn't say "yes" to that but did say she's thought about what life may be like without me. Right now she needs to fix herself (whatever that entails), and then figure out what she wants from our marriage. That means I have to play the waiting game to see what she uncovers, because I know 100% what I want from the marriage (I want her and I want us to work things out) but she doesn't.

Right this very second, we want the complete opposite of one another...

me = I want her close to me physically, mentally & spiritually
her = she wants space/distance from me

me = I want to talk about our marriage issues, fix things now
her = she doesn't want to talk, makes her more upset

me = I know what I want
her = she doesn't know what she wants

I feel like I'm not writing everything down that needs to be here, but I'm just so upset about it all. I found this forum by doing a Google search for this type of discussion, read some a few threads, and can immediately tell that there's a great number of truly wonderful people here. Hopefully just getting this out there to people I've never met can help, even if it's just a little bit.
Ok, let me go there. This may have nothing to do with it BUT:

Often when wives want space it means there is a thrid party. meaning they are in an EA or PA.

Why in the world is she thinking about life without you?

The ILYBIANILWY can very much mean there is a third person involved.

Also controlling comes up when there is a thrid party.

I am not indicating that this is likely.

Does she work?

Facebook?

Gym?

Go out much?

High School Reunions?

What does she do with her time beyond being a mother?

What activities do you guys do together period?

Last edited by Entropy3000; 06-10-2011 at 04:14 PM.
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Old 06-11-2011, 09:11 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
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Often when wives want space it means there is a thrid party. meaning they are in an EA or PA.
What is an EA and PA?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Entropy3000 View Post
Why in the world is she thinking about life without you?
Even she doesn't know, that's the problem. She's clueless as to what she wants, or maybe she already knows what she wants and is just afraid of its reality.

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Originally Posted by Entropy3000 View Post
The ILYBIANILWY can very much mean there is a third person involved.
Another acroynymn I'm not familiar with. What does that mean?

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Originally Posted by Entropy3000 View Post
Also controlling comes up when there is a thrid party.
I've thought of this being a possibility for some time now. There's always been one guy that she seems to have been fond of, a good childhood friend of her older brother's. I did confront her on one occasion about this, and even asked if she's been cheating on me with this guy. She cried hysterically and couldn't believe I asked her such a question. The whole "don't you trust me" came out of her mouth, and I told her that I trust her but not some of the people who she considers to be just friends of hers.

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Does she work?
Yes, fulltime.

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Facebook?
This is honestly where and when I feel our marriage started going back. She joined FB over two years ago, started re-uniting with all her past childhood & high school friends, and was on that crap for hours every night. We used to have sex often before FB came into her life, and because I was starting to get worried I joined up FB to initially keep an eye on her (in a sense). Then I started enjoying FB. I mentioned in both sessions of marriage counseling that FB was the devil in our relationship. Instead of talking face-to-face with her, the communication involved emails, texts, FB messages or FB chatting. I turned the FB chatting off, because I would much rather speak with you in person than through that ****.

In our most recent fight, I told her how I felt about FB and that I was going to delete my account. I never told her to do it with her account, but I stated that FB was ruining our marriage. All those hours per day she spent on it could've been spent with me. The next day she wrote saying she deleted it. However, I then learned that she only deactivated it. I asked if she has intentions of going back to it, she said she doesn't think so.

Why not just delete the account entirely? Kind of a half-assed approach by her if you ask me.

I can honestly say that I don't miss it one bit.

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Gym?
Yes, she goes to the gym about 3 times a week. It's just another way for her to get away from me, let off some steam & stress, and get into great shape.

Which reminds me, she looks smoking hot now. I tell her this, she then does the "ummm, thanks" crap to me, and because she's getting hotter by working out she won't let me take advantage of her or take care of her in a sexual way. She bought a new swimming suit, was flaunting it at me which got me quite aroused, and then I told her how great she looked in it and what it did to me. She didn't seem too impressed or interested by that. I don't get it.

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Go out much?
She goes out all the time. She'll go out to her girlfriends' one day on the weekend, hang out with women in the neighborhood for some drinks & gossip at one of their homes (she's had them over at our place before), and then she goes out to exercise about 3 times a week.

Do her and I go out? Almost never. We have a date day/night today and my parents have the kids for the night, so it's just the two of us. I'm sure she's thinking that all I'm going to want is sex tonight, and I'm sure she's just waiting for me to mention something about that. Our plans are going to a movie of her choice and then dinner somewhere nice. Afterward, probably just come home and chill. I'm nervous about today, because of her saying just the other day that she wants space. Not sure how I'm going to play this one out today.

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High School Reunions?
Yes, both of our 20-yr reunions are coming up. I'm not going to mine, because I hate the people from there. She's dying to go to hers, though, because she just loves everyone. Ugh. Worse of all, is that her reunion is on a Friday night and all day Saturday and Saturday night (everyone is staying at a hotel). I haven't said to her if I was going or not, but because she knows I don't like some of her high school friends that she's probably not intending on me going with her. The whole damn thing scares the hell out of me, and I know I would be miserable there yet worrying my ass off at home. Not sure what to do with that one.

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What does she do with her time beyond being a mother?
Lots of things for herself as previously mentioned, but not much for "us."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Entropy3000 View Post
What activities do you guys do together period?
Right now, nothing. I keep trying to do date outings with her, and because we both work it's hard to make things like that happen. It's no excuse, but I do keep throwing out dates & ideas. Other than that, we just play the role of roommates in my eyes.
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Old 06-11-2011, 09:52 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Hi s0medude ~
There sure are a lot of acronyms. It reminds me of where I work and we give every new hire a glossary of acronyms or trying to figure out what texts from my teen mean. I use this site a lot:
Urban Dictionary: ilybinilwy

EA = Emotional Affair
PA = Physical Affair
ILYBIANILWY = "I Love You But I Am Not In Love With You"
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Old 06-11-2011, 09:56 AM   #10 (permalink)
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SD,

There are some big red flags in her talk with you.

Ilybnilwy means I love you but I'm not in love with you. This comes in many forms. The comment about loving you because of the kids is one of them

An EA is an emotional affair. A PA is a physical affair.

She got less interested n you after joining Facebook. Big red flag. Typically this is a sign of an EA.

She cried when you mentioned her attraction to her friend. Sometimes, a person in an EA will lay on the guilt to you really heavy to make YOU feel insecure, to take away her guilt or to shift the suspicion. Another big red flag.

The instant lack of desire, calling you controlling, not trusting. These are symptoms of someone in an EA.

Now, I'm not saying this is your case. But the signs are there. Or, she may be close to heading in that direction.

Wha to do. Well...you can try to determine if she's having an EA. Check her texts and emails. Etc. Do a little snooping. Don't confront her yet though until you have solid proof. Or she will just take it underground.

Now...about yourself. You seem to have nice guy tendencies. This is destructive in a marriage. It makes you seem like a wimp, and your wife will lose both respect and desire and attraction to you. Go check out the sticky at the top of the men's forum about nice guys. Read that information. Read those books recommended there. Work on yourself. This is called Manning Up. The advise is to make you stronger in mind. Someone who has control over himself, and has defined his boundaries in his life and marriage. Boundaries that you will never ever let someone cross or break...even your wife.

Now, don't be scared of conflict with your wife. Ever. And this is a big one...don't ever be scared of losing your wife. This is important. Because if you are scared...you will never stick up for ypur boundaries. And ypur wife will sense this, and you become a doormat. And doormats are not sexy...and her desire for you will just diminish even further.

So. Go work on yourself. Be a strong man. With conviction and strength and inner peace. Be the man that knows what he wants, has total control over his life, never loses his temper, and is a fair and loving husband and father.

Never ever bring up the relationship with your wife unless she does first. This seems counter intuitive, but in fact when you keep bringing it up...it makes you seem insecure. In the men's section, go read about the relationship thermometer. This explains how, in a relationship, you need to counter balance the love that your wife shows you at a temperature that is appropriate for the moment. This temp swings in a relationship...even during the day. Following this guide will ensure you don't seem so clingy.

Now...about the sex. You can do a few things here, but I'll only explain one. Sit your wife down. Turn your temperature down to almost zero, because this is an important talk. Be ca
M. Be strong. Never raise your voice. And do this...
"dear. Here's my issue. I married you because I loved you. I enjoy doing things with you. Going out on date night. Sitting talking. Connecting with you. And especially sex. Because sex is important to me, and it's one of my biggest needs as a man. It makes me feel connected with you on intimate levels you, as a woman, maybe just don't understand. But trust me, it does.
The lack of sex concerns me, because it does two things. One, it shows that you consider my needs are not important as ypur needs. And two, you put me in a position of having to be celibate for the rest of my life, because I can't ethically fulfill this need without you. Both are unacceptable to me. So...there are only three options here. One, you understand that as a man I have a strong need for sex. And as my wife, you help me fulfill this need together. Two, if this is unacceptable to you, then you agree to an open marriage, so I can ethically fulfill this need outside the marriage. Or three...we divorce. Because I have no desire to be celibate for the rest of my life, and what you are doing right now is selfish."

When she gets mad, be calm, hold up your hand, and say..." unless you want to talk constructively about this issue, this discussion is now finished. When you are ready to discuss it in a mature fashion, I will be more than willing to sit down with you again on this topic."

Then, go leave the house or disappear for a while. You will probably need to calm down yourself.

The thing is, as one of ypur boundaries...you can't bluff. You need to back up your words if you need to. This is not a bluff. So don't do this until you are mentally ready.

In the meantime, go post more on the men's forum. Get more advise. Got to marriedmansexlife.com and read up on being a strong, sexual alpha male type that also has awesome beta traits...you know...the best man and husband and father you can be. One that is desired by his wife and gets lots of sex.
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Old 06-11-2011, 10:27 AM   #11 (permalink)
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In defense of your wife,

My husband doesn't think I'm interested in sex.

However, I am very interested. He has not taken to time to figure what feels good to me. And he certainly doesn't know how to turn me on. He was also the more experienced person, but he never took the time to teach me anything or learn new things together.

He just figured I'm not interested, but he's wrong.

Last edited by Maria9938; 06-11-2011 at 10:29 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old 06-11-2011, 10:54 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Not Interested in Sex Anymore

It is almost impossible to get a real 3D view of someone's situation from a few posts. Before suggesting you "do" anything I have some questions:
- You asked if she was cheating on you with a specific man. Obviously that is a very big thing to ask. Was there a pattern of questionable behavior on her part towards him and him towards her that caused you to ask that question? For instance if your spouse is in some intense texting/calling/emailing type mode with a specific person that is a big red flag. If they are secretive about their phone (locked), FB, email account passwords that is another red flag.

- You mentioned this bit about her feeling you are controlling. And she gave you 10 examples. The coaster is actually a good example. Let me give you my take on that. If my W and I had that exchange - and later she told me it made her feel bad when I did that, I would just add it to her "profile". The truth is I am not willing to cause bad feelings over something that is small to me and big to her. I wouldn't be a doormat about it, in fact when it first came up as a "problem" for her I would likely ask "How do you want me to handle that situation going forward"? If she said, "let it go because I feel nitpicked when you do that type stuff" I would.

- Why doesn't your W enjoy your company? She does seem to be avoiding you. And usually it is because a spouse does not like being around their partner. But there are "reasons" for that.

- As for the bathing suit. There is no way in hell I would compliment my W on her appearance/hotness if she was freezing me out in bed. Not going to happen. That is simply reinforcing the very ugly dynamic of you having desire and her not even having the commitment level to have sex with you because she loves you. While sexless you stop with the compliments. They are simply a direct transfer of self esteem, hers goes up and yours goes down. Bad pattern.

- The comment about the gym is not constructive. "she is just doing this as another way to get away from me". You have two totally separate issues here. The first is that she doesn't like being with you, and that needs to be addressed. The second is that she is going to the gym to do something positive for herself and you need to be supportive of that.

- Do you workout? Are you in good shape/the same shape as when you married?

- Do you have some close friends you can talk to who live near you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by s0medude View Post
What is an EA and PA?

Even she doesn't know, that's the problem. She's clueless as to what she wants, or maybe she already knows what she wants and is just afraid of its reality.

Another acroynymn I'm not familiar with. What does that mean?



I've thought of this being a possibility for some time now. There's always been one guy that she seems to have been fond of, a good childhood friend of her older brother's. I did confront her on one occasion about this, and even asked if she's been cheating on me with this guy. She cried hysterically and couldn't believe I asked her such a question. The whole "don't you trust me" came out of her mouth, and I told her that I trust her but not some of the people who she considers to be just friends of hers.



Yes, fulltime.



This is honestly where and when I feel our marriage started going back. She joined FB over two years ago, started re-uniting with all her past childhood & high school friends, and was on that crap for hours every night. We used to have sex often before FB came into her life, and because I was starting to get worried I joined up FB to initially keep an eye on her (in a sense). Then I started enjoying FB. I mentioned in both sessions of marriage counseling that FB was the devil in our relationship. Instead of talking face-to-face with her, the communication involved emails, texts, FB messages or FB chatting. I turned the FB chatting off, because I would much rather speak with you in person than through that ****.

In our most recent fight, I told her how I felt about FB and that I was going to delete my account. I never told her to do it with her account, but I stated that FB was ruining our marriage. All those hours per day she spent on it could've been spent with me. The next day she wrote saying she deleted it. However, I then learned that she only deactivated it. I asked if she has intentions of going back to it, she said she doesn't think so.

Why not just delete the account entirely? Kind of a half-assed approach by her if you ask me.

I can honestly say that I don't miss it one bit.



Yes, she goes to the gym about 3 times a week. It's just another way for her to get away from me, let off some steam & stress, and get into great shape.

Which reminds me, she looks smoking hot now. I tell her this, she then does the "ummm, thanks" crap to me, and because she's getting hotter by working out she won't let me take advantage of her or take care of her in a sexual way. She bought a new swimming suit, was flaunting it at me which got me quite aroused, and then I told her how great she looked in it and what it did to me. She didn't seem too impressed or interested by that. I don't get it.



She goes out all the time. She'll go out to her girlfriends' one day on the weekend, hang out with women in the neighborhood for some drinks & gossip at one of their homes (she's had them over at our place before), and then she goes out to exercise about 3 times a week.

Do her and I go out? Almost never. We have a date day/night today and my parents have the kids for the night, so it's just the two of us. I'm sure she's thinking that all I'm going to want is sex tonight, and I'm sure she's just waiting for me to mention something about that. Our plans are going to a movie of her choice and then dinner somewhere nice. Afterward, probably just come home and chill. I'm nervous about today, because of her saying just the other day that she wants space. Not sure how I'm going to play this one out today.



Yes, both of our 20-yr reunions are coming up. I'm not going to mine, because I hate the people from there. She's dying to go to hers, though, because she just loves everyone. Ugh. Worse of all, is that her reunion is on a Friday night and all day Saturday and Saturday night (everyone is staying at a hotel). I haven't said to her if I was going or not, but because she knows I don't like some of her high school friends that she's probably not intending on me going with her. The whole damn thing scares the hell out of me, and I know I would be miserable there yet worrying my ass off at home. Not sure what to do with that one.



Lots of things for herself as previously mentioned, but not much for "us."



Right now, nothing. I keep trying to do date outings with her, and because we both work it's hard to make things like that happen. It's no excuse, but I do keep throwing out dates & ideas. Other than that, we just play the role of roommates in my eyes.
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Old 06-11-2011, 10:56 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Not Interested in Sex Anymore

Before we had our first child the sex life was awesome. She was wanting sex all the time, couldn't get enough of it. After the first the sex life started going downhill, but wasn't bad enough to raise concern. After our second child was born, her libido went downhill fast.

You see a pattern? You didn't transform into a controlling beast by becoming a father. Why did the sex decrease upon the birth of your first child and why did it decrease further with your second? What changed was that a child cemented her position and power in the relationship. More kids, more power, less need to accomodate you.
She figures you aren't going anywhere, no need to concentrate on you or what you want. That explains why sex is "the last thing" on her mind. You took the cheese, the trap was sprung, and nobody puts cheese out for a trapped mouse.
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Old 06-11-2011, 11:00 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Not Interested in Sex Anymore

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Originally Posted by Maria9938 View Post
In defense of your wife,

My husband doesn't think I'm interested in sex.

However, I am very interested. He has not taken to time to figure what feels good to me. And he certainly doesn't know how to turn me on. He was also the more experienced person, but he never took the time to teach me anything or learn new things together.

He just figured I'm not interested, but he's wrong.
Maria ~ You are the one holding the key. Give it to your husband! Talk with him and let him know how you feel, or better yet, if you can SHOW him how you feel. It sounds like you are at cross-purposes with your husband.
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Old 06-11-2011, 11:17 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Not Interested in Sex Anymore

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Originally Posted by unbelievable View Post
Before we had our first child the sex life was awesome. She was wanting sex all the time, couldn't get enough of it. After the first the sex life started going downhill, but wasn't bad enough to raise concern. After our second child was born, her libido went downhill fast.

You see a pattern? You didn't transform into a controlling beast by becoming a father. Why did the sex decrease upon the birth of your first child and why did it decrease further with your second? What changed was that a child cemented her position and power in the relationship. More kids, more power, less need to accomodate you.
She figures you aren't going anywhere, no need to concentrate on you or what you want. That explains why sex is "the last thing" on her mind. You took the cheese, the trap was sprung, and nobody puts cheese out for a trapped mouse.
It's interesting that it's often a common pattern that after the birth of children that a woman's libido decreases. I'm sure some of it is biologic and natural - fatigue and hormone changes that depress the woman's libido to ensure she bonds and takes care of the infant instead of burdening her body with another pregnancy and potentially risking her and the infant if another should happen too soon.

But, for a woman desire is more than biological/physical. It is also emotional. For a wife who loves, trusts, and respects her husband, the decline in natural physical desire in her body after having children can often be offset with a desire within the woman's mind/emotions to still have her body bind with her husbands.

Many women don't seem to be able to get to that point, however - perhaps it is ambivalence over their new role as a mother or it can also be ambivalence over the role their husband is now playing. This forum has had posts from women who were very disgruntled with their husband's poor attitude toward them after childbirth. I am sure that it is not always a power play.
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