Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
My hubby's and my sex drive used to be almost equal, but now his has stayed the same, mine has plummeted. This is partly due to the fact that I've arthritis in both hips and had a hip replaced in April this year. But the problem is also that he 'fumbles' every night, even though just now, I've not had the 'go ahead' from the consultant. Its as if that part of my anatomy is his 'comfort blanket'.
I just feel as if I'm under pressure sexually all the time, it has got to the stage where I told him that I feel like a 'piece of meat'.
We have been to the GP about this problem and been referred to a therapist, but the waiting list is 18 weeks, which takes us to Sept\Oct.
If anyone has any suggestions of any kind I would be so grateful as this problem brings me to tears most of the time.
While I do believe you have a responsibility to meet his sexual needs, by allowing yourself to get turned on, thinking about sex and being generally open too, I also believe he has a responsibility in helping you get there.
He needs to be making sure you feel loved and cherished outside the bedroom, by talking to you and really listening, by being thoughtful to you, and by touching you often in a non sexual fashion, so you feel at ease with him and like the only time he touches you, it is not just for sex.
If you were to fantasize, what kind of behaviours would the guy you fantasize have? Think about it carefully and then tell your H about this.
For instance, I used to fantasize about very dominate men, taking charge and telling me what to do, they were allways kind and loving and very into me and me only, but also very manly and dominate in the relationship. Now I no longer fantasize about other men because I have told my fiance and I fantasize about him being that guy, and give him the opportunity to turn me on in that way.
Just having a hip replacement done in April likely means that you are still recovering from that. That can be a grueling recovery. It sounds like your husband isn't being real sensitive to you during your recovery period, which doesn't help things out at all.
Yah, I don't know, some men just can't seem to control it even when their wife has a legitimate physical issue going on. [Note to men: Be sensitive to your ladies when they are in this kind of condition. Doing so will leave a long-lasting, loving impression in your wife.] I have a friend (only in her 40's) who has severe arthritis and has had both hips replaced. The last replacement hasn't gone so well and she has had to have two revisions. It's been really tough on her physically and emotionally. Her husband is climbing the walls too. However, even if you can't have full intercourse, are you physically capable of or willing to help him out occasionally by giving him a hand job or using your mouth?
If you haven't spoken up about it, I would and I would continue to do so and be very honest about your physical condition and pain level. If you have arthritis, you are probably coping with some amount of pain on a daily basis. I think counselling is a good idea - it could help both of you get in tune with each other's needs. Your husband's need for affection is as valid as your need to have recovery time and support from him during that time. There needs to be a compromise.
We are waiting for an appointment to see a therapist. Waiting list is 18 weeks. We do talk, and talk, then when he's asleep... Here we go again... I do give him a'hand job', but then the next night it starts all over again.. Sometimes i think he thinks he is still in his teens where sex is concerned...
I am assuming he has always been rather randy? Is he willing to compromise with you at all, or is he being totally selfish about this? I am assuming that your doctor gave you direction on recovery period and types of activities that were acceptable and not? If this is putting a strain on you physically, I would suggest talking with your doctor and letting him have a talk with your H. AND I would keep the counselling appointment.
Have you ever talked with your husband about giving you the floor completely to express these concerns of yours. You have the say so on whether or not he can respond. It needs to be clear that the ball is in his court as to what he can do to get you ready on your terms.
You are the one experiencing the difficulties. If you are comfortable with it, work together to get you there.
I think a lot of it is psychological with both of us (hence the therapist appointment). My 1st ex was a bully who insisted on having his own way sexwise.. And sort of forced his attentions. (That was when police didnt intefere in 'family matters').. Paul's ex refused him sex after his daughter was born.. (He never cheated on her).. Sometimes I think he's subconsciously trying to make up for lost time.
So, yes we both need counselling in different ways. We have talked, but sometimes you need someone who can see the wide picture.
Thanks to all that have replied to my post.. I'll keep you updated on how things go.
Have got a consutalnt appointmet tomorrow following hip operation.
I'm going to ask if they have a booklet or sheet on safe positions to start with..