Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I have a much longer thread going on here (see Reboot) but I have a short question - how can I improve his technique? Like most women I don't orgasm much from intercourse (though I enjoy it a lot). However, his hand and oral skills are not very good and sometimes he hurts me. He is not into mutual masturbation so showing him is not an option. I got into a situation before where I was telling him what to do, but we never moved beyond 'do this, do that' and eventually I got frustrated. Some male perspective on the Reboot thread has encouraged me to reconsider this and be more direct, maybe even make a manual. I am trying to figure out how to be more direct without hurting his ego in this process, though. So how do I communicate, gently, but effectively, ways that he could improve?
Research online or in books and find resources that describe how you like to be touched. Then share it with him, sometime when you are cuddling, but not having sex - You can say something like this, "Honey i was reading this interesting article and I got so turned on by reading this technique. Do you think we could try it sometime?"
Or there is a game Mem mentioned that he does with his wife, where they experiment with different touches and ask each other "Do you like this one, or this one better. I'll warn you though - I did this with my husband and he hated it. He said it reminded him of the eye doctor. "Which one is clearer, No. 1 or 2, 1 or 2, again here is 2 and here is 1." He had me laughing so hard we kind of lost the moment. However, I did inform him that although I won't do it too him, I do like it and it helps me identify what kind of touches do feel good and find new ways of touching.
I have found that my husband takes my suggestions better when we are not in the moment, so I usually talk with him when we are fully clothed, but are cuddling. I try to phrase it like, "sometimes when I get rubbed (touched, whatever) in a certain way (try to be very specific) it doesn't feel so good, and in fact sometimes hurts. It feels so much better to be touched in such and such way.". Or, I really love it when you touch me ....." Often these conversations lead into a little activity which is good, cause practice makes perfect.
How about seeing someone do something you like in porn? That is kind of tough because that is not too fine grained. Huh, this is a toughie. MMMM. Many guys like dirty talk during sex. Give him a bj, lick him the way YOU would like, telling him how it would feel if he did ... this... and this...?
Well I can't think of anyone better to answer this question right now than myself. I actually logged on to give the good folks that have been kind and patient enough with me lately to respond to my many questions an update on the rapid IMPROVEMENT in mine and my wifes sex life....
Heres what I'd suggest... Simple communication... BUT, and this is important, it needs to be done in a way that you're saying "LET'S improve OUR techniques with each other to enhance OUR pleasure", rather than, "You're not pleasing me, so please try this"....
If he's really interested in your satisfaction with his performance, he should respond well... Maybe not at first, but if you guys love each other, take it from me, a man who's ego was severely bruised still as little as 5 or 6 days ago... And yet right now I'm anxiously waiting for my wife to get off of work tonight, as we have no kids, and her last words this morning were, "You better NOT be asleep when I get home mister, I wanna do some more of what we did last night!!".... Amazing what that will do for a mans ego... And for a couples sex life... It took some time, but we finally got to a place where we both opened up, communicated openly, and now my confidence is thorugh the roof, and I firmly believe her when she says she can't wait intil tonight so she ca, as she put it, "Be as loud as I want with no kids here"... Keep trying even if he doesn't respond so well at first.... My wife wasn't responding well, and communication seemed to get worse before it got better, but the payoff the last few night has been well worth it for both of us... Good luck :-)
And just to be clear, I'm not suggesting you would be so rude or hurtful to come out and say something so bluntly to hurt his feelings/ego... What I'm saying is, careful how you word it, cause what you're saying and what his bruised ego is hearing can be two very different things... Again, good luck to you
What I also did as well was open it up and ask him if there was anything that he could show me as to how he likes to be touched etc and asked him to show me or guide me, so ... it becomes a two way street rather than a one to one class or lecture in “how to touch me”.
Exactly - this is exactly the place i want to get to, of mutual exploration, but it is not so easy to get there. First because we have this history of it not working now for a few years. I have been thinking of framing this as a conversation about our changing bodies - sort of a renewal of "lets explore again".
Quote:
Originally Posted by cdm
Heres what I'd suggest... Simple communication... BUT, and this is important, it needs to be done in a way that you're saying "LET'S improve OUR techniques with each other to enhance OUR pleasure", rather than, "You're not pleasing me, so please try this"....
CMD, I'm going to go read your posts - in the other thread I have going one of the messages I've been getting is "just be direct" - without being hurtful, as you say.
The other issue, though, is I am not sure why what he is doing is not working. The intercourse part is fairly clear - there is no problem, but when he does oral I don't understand why it hurts. It doesn't hurt with manual stimulation, and it doesn't when I do it, so I don't think it is my body. But I can't see what's going on and I can't feel specifically enough to know what he is doing. I don't think I can tell him what to do because I don't know.
I have tried giving up on oral and just saying no, (which I have for a long time). He feels denied, though, because he enjoys it, and also because he knows that the reason for stopping is that it doesn't work for me. He feels a bit bruised over this, though I think we try and put it down to a general "doesn't work for women all the time". the trouble is that that is really a way of avoiding conversation. This is why it is important for me to be more direct - so he does get this idea that it is REALLY not working.
Maybe I should read something. I'll have a look at the recommendation given above - and I just bought a cheeky book for men, called "How to be a Bush Pilot"
When he gives you oral and it hurts, do you tell him? He may be using his fingers during oral if he wants to give his tongue a break and that may be the issue. My husband has done that during oral and it doesn't feel that good because of the angle of his fingers when he's down there.
If he is doing oral and it hurts, I would react with a slight jerk and an "Ow" and then say something like "sorry babe, I feel sensitive down there, can you be more gentle?" Then if he starts doing it again and he's more gentle, say "Oh yeah, just like that. Nice and gentle" or something along those lines.
Just give him lots of reassurance when he's doing stuff that feels good and feedback if he's hurting you. And after sex, later on that day, you can comment on something he did that felt really good, like "Honey, when you were giving me oral and you were doing those long, light licks, that drove me wild. I love it when it's feather-light like that."
I don't want to get into too much personal detail but yes, I have done this (involuntarily as well as voluntarily). It does not seem to have changed his technique (this has been going on a long time). Eventually I just quit all together - no more of that. But I really don't want to give up - and really, I don't think he does either. I guess he has never asked - in an exploring way. he has asked in a "tell me" way, but at a point you just can't be so specific all the time. i guess I am looking for a magic bullet that might not exist - something that would make him go "aha". But given that he doesn't think porn is okay, doesn't read books about sex, doesn't want to talk about and doesn't ask, there isn't much left. I've thought about asking him to a tantric sex workshop. I can just imagine his reaction, but I have been searching for anything.
Maybe you need to just be blunt - in a loving way. "Honey - oral sex is not working for me, and sometimes it hurts. I am not sure why, but the technique we are using does not work for me. I would like for us both to explore together and try to find ways to make it better and enjoyable for me. Will you help me with this issue and would you be willing to try some different things if I do the research on it?"
The above statement is blunt, but not criticizing or blaming him. It states the problem and suggests a solution and asks for his help in finding a better way.
If he refuses to help then you have more than just a sex problem!
tired of faking it 
