If your wife woke up tomorrow in great health with no returning cancer, would she be a different person or not? (regarding sex with you)
I hope and pray that we reach that day to discover the answer. Her being in great health would be a true blessing.
I do not believe that she will be different regarding sex with me. Then again, I would not allow myself to believe that. Even if she were, I doubt she would be forceful enough to prove to me she is sincere. If the only change is that she would reject me less often when I initiate, then we will never find out.
Hey, I know I am being difficult. I am trying to change the past, not the future. I understand that is impossible. I am not trying to create a great sex life in the future. That requires hard work on my part. Overcoming poor physical shape, ED, PE, exercising, taking meds, etc. Much more work than a more active sex life would have required in the past. Plus I would have to open myself up to her emotionally. Risk rejection. make myself vulnerable. I do not trust her enough to do that.
Since I am not willing to invest that time and energy becoming physically capable of having a satisfying sex life, and I am not willing to take the risk of opening up to her, I am investing my time and energy in creating a marriage I can tolerate that does not involve having sex with my wife. I find it demands far less time and energy on my part to obtain the secondary "payoff" from being in control and of having her chase me instead of me chasing her. She never let me catch her when I was pursuing her for sex. I will never let her catch me when she is pursuing me for an emotional connection.
Others would aim higher and endure downside risk to get there. I am aiming lower and minimizing my downside risk. Some would say "it will eventually catch up with you and you will explode". After 10 years of living this way, I can say that FOR ME it gets easier rather than more difficult. My marriage feels more rewarding for me than it did back when we had sporadic sex. Much better than when we were in MC and actively fighting over sex.
As I said earlier, I am not suggesting this path to others. But if someone else were foolish enough to find themselves many years into sexlessness and still unwilling to pull the plug and get divorced, then I would suggest they try this to see if it feels better. Because it might.