Sorry, did not notice your post until now.
Dude, if getting to a better place meant you had to let go of your delusions and what you thought your identity was, would you do it?
Or are you looking to dull the pain just enough to survive?
Bingo. We have a winner.
These are two different things.
Originally Posted by Anon1111
what drives you. anything? you seem like a smart guy. do you apply that to anything?
Nothing. I spend lots of time at work which heavily engages my intellect. Then I go home and veg out. I used to play lots of computer games. Now I watch tv. When the kids were around I went to watch their activities in the evening or drove them home from practice. Now that they are gone (or will be soon) I do some more business travel. Which generally means having meetings all day and then going back to my hotel room to catch up on email early in the morning and late at night. Or getting up early to take the train into the city and then taking the train back at night, which eats up 4 or 5 hours and means I basically leave before H2 gets up and by the time I get home she is in bed watching tv and surfing her ipad and besides a quick daily report about the kids she prefers I not bother her with interaction (sound, or movement, or pretty much any detectable sensation).
LITS: I agree with you. I am a bad choice for her. She thought I was safe because I did not press for sex as forcefully as other guys. She mistook soft for safe. She did not realize I was building a huge pile of resentment. By the time she realized, my weakness and the pile of resentment were more than enough to shut down whatever remaining sexual feelings she may have had toward me.
Fozzy: She initiates once every few months. In between there are snuggle sessions where she gives off signals that she might consent if I initiated, but I no longer explore the possibility.
Best as I can tell from what little sex we have had over 20+ years, she has both responsive desire and a desire to be dominated. But she will not indulge her desire, for the understandable reason that being a rape victim she is terrified of allowing anyone else to have control. As LITS said, H2 needs a strong man who can keep her safe so she can allow him to take the lead. I am not that man. I explained that to her before we got married. I told her I was inexperienced and tentative and that I was looking to "make up for lost time" during marriage. So she went into this fully warned and with her eyes wide open. She did not show me the same consideration. Which is why I have feel justified in not being as transparent as most marriage proponents would suggest I be. I am sure my resentment leaks out. She is not stupid. Far from it.
But as Rick said in Casablanca, she was willing to pretend, and I let her. I will let her pretend for as long as she can maintain the illusion.